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27 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think in the future, if someone backs off with the messaging, try to mirror that behavior and focus on your life and other activities so as not to seem desperate for his attention.

It may have fizzled out that way with this man.  If you hadn't kept trying and trying to get him to respond, instead of just waiting and seeing what his actions tell you, you could have found out he's not that interested through his actions.

I have heard though from male friends that when a woman messages a lot and texts etc. it can kill the romantic feelings.

Men usually want a chase... so letting him decide when to message gives him that AND it shows you if he's not interested enough to chase you.

Actually I was taking long to reply myself but I just can't stand dragging things out. I rather get the answer out of that person and just leave it if I don't get a good response. If that makes sense...

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12 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I wouldn't write this guy off yet.  On second dates each person is more relaxed and you see more of the actual person without the nerves.  You can leave the door open with him and tell him to let you know the next time he is planning on being in town so you can get together.   It isn't being desperate or weak, it is being open to possibilities.

I think if she allows herself to always be the pursuer with this man, it hurts overtime a woman's self-esteem.  It ends up making you feel more like you're desperate... just not a good situation to be chasing him so hard when he isn't returning the favor.

Edited to add: If she's already feeling anxious with this man, pursuing him will probably increase the anxiety she feels.  Backing off will alleviate it I would think

Edited by maritalbliss86
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1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah absolutely. The thing is I'm serious about actually finding someone (not just anyone) so I am actually willing to put the effort in that's required. What I mean is, if someone lives a few hours away and they actually are interested and I'm interested, I'll make the effort. I have a car so I can drive wherever and I actually love road trips. I'd be happy continuing talking to that person through video calls and texts and so on. We could meet halfway or take turns driving to where they live or where I live. Like I really want to find love and have a family and if that person has potential then I'll work for that relationship. But of course I would need to be getting some enthusiasm from them in return.

I totally get this and this think you're doing the right things- being open etc, not quick to dismiss someone.  I'd just make sure to temper this with not settling for less. 

Being single at this time, in a pandemic is not fun... I know! but I will always choose single over wrong partner. Because honestly, some of my loneliest tines were when I was with someone. At least single you have hope of being ready for when a good one comes along.

Success is achieved when preparedness meets opportunity.

 

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12 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think if she allows herself to always be the pursuer with this man, it hurts overtime a woman's self-esteem.  It ends up making you feel more like you're desperate... just not a good situation to be chasing him so hard when he isn't returning the favor.

Edited to add: If she's already feeling anxious with this man, pursuing him will probably increase the anxiety she feels.  Backing off will alleviate it I would think

Yes.  I think it's great for women who prefer traditional dating to be active in showing interest and enthusiasm in the beginning.  Let the man do most if not all of the asking out in the beginning, respond when he contacts and yes follow his lead  - so yes it's ok to text first but err on the side of giving space.  I did all of my dating before I had a cell phone so no texting.  I did some instant messaging and e-mailing.  I tried never to instant message before we actually met in person.  I made one exception and I kind of regretted it -I think I was crazy about him before we met and had blinders on the first month we dated - we actually did have great chemistry in person too.  But if I could do it all over again I wouldn't have gotten so invested.

 

One more thing -put in the effort by backing off -live with the impatience, the discomfort, the insecurity instead of subjecting this new person to it by asking him for reassurance.  Put in the effort to be less self-absorbed, to give people space to think about you, reflect on the date, get to know you.

Edited by Batya33
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21 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Take this from a guy that has been on more than a few first meets.

Not all men are confident and smooth on the first meet or even the tenth date.  Men can be awkward and insecure, intimidated, shy and nervous.  He used to work at the museum so showing you around and talking about what he knew was comfortable to him.  How many times have any of us been nervous on a first date/meet and ended up talking to much and not asking enough questions?  The popcorn thing is a mystery to me.  I learned long ago not to eat popcorn on a date since it gives you popcorn breath! (just in case there is a kiss later) I don't know how many times I have been driving home and realized a woman I had met at some social gathering had been flirting with me.  I literally hit myself in the forehead and said DUH!, I am an idiot.  

  You are attracted to him, he seems nice although possibly socially awkward, he was honest with you on how he felt and was a gentleman about offering to take you home.  These are all good things right? 

  I wouldn't write this guy off yet.  On second dates each person is more relaxed and you see more of the actual person without the nerves.  You can leave the door open with him and tell him to let you know the next time he is planning on being in town so you can get together.   It isn't being desperate or weak, it is being open to possibilities.  Conventional dating rules don't always apply when you are in an unconventional situation.  Really what do you have to lose by reaching out and offering?

   Lost

Yeah I think that maybe I did come across as too full-on asking if he was interested but the thing is I've been doing a lot of online dating and it all takes a lot of time and it can be pretty stressful. I think if I'm going to do something long distance I would really need the person to show they're putting effort in because it would be taking up my time and energy to continue spending time on them. I understand it's not their problem but even talking to people in my city and meeting for dates is time consuming but at least you can speed it up by actually meeting in person. I'm not sure if now it's kind of gone onto a sour note with him but I'll keep an open mind I guess lol Thank you very much for giving your male perspective though!

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12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  I think it's great for women who prefer traditional dating to be active in showing interest and enthusiasm in the beginning.  Let the man do most if not all of the asking out in the beginning, respond when he contacts and yes follow his lead  - so yes it's ok to text first but err on the side of giving space.  I did all of my dating before I had a cell phone so no texting.  I did some instant messaging and e-mailing.  I tried never to instant message before we actually met in person.  I made one exception and I kind of regretted it -I think I was crazy about him before we met and had blinders on the first month we dated - we actually did have great chemistry in person too.  But if I could do it all over again I wouldn't have gotten so invested.

 

One more thing -put in the effort by backing off -live with the impatience, the discomfort, the insecurity instead of subjecting this new person to it by asking him for reassurance.  Put in the effort to be less self-absorbed, to give people space to think about you, reflect on the date, get to know you.

No you're right but dating is REALLY stressful. It takes so much time and energy and I think just after talking to this guy through virtual means, once we actually met for real I guess I just wanted to know if there is a point to continue the virtual interactions. But I think the mistake I made was actually trying to talk to someone not in my city which made it all more drawn out and uncertain. In all honesty though for me personally if I do try to date someone far away I need them to really put in the effort. E.g. if they're in my city and they have the day free then I would want to spend that time with them. I'm 36 in two weeks and I want to settle down so I can't just draw things out super long where I just catch up with someone for two hours once a month and that's it. But I understand it's not the other person's problem if I expect more from them and for things to move faster. Unfortunately I do need it to move faster due to my age and that I'm looking to have a family. 

But yeah I can see now that maybe I'm being too full-on. Previous to this guy I had a brief 1.5 hour date with a different guy. I liked him and only 30 minutes after the date he messaged me. We messaged a little bit and I felt excited about him. I actually had a spare ticket to go to a horror movie at the cinema two days later. We both really like horror movies. I just had the free ticket so I decided to ask him to go and he agreed. We saw the movie and went for a drink. The next day he messaged saying he "just wanted to be friends". So I'm not sure if I asked him out too fast after the first date or not. On the other hand I know that my best friend who found her husband online had like a really long first date with him because they had a lot of chemistry straight away. So it seems like if someone actually likes you they wouldn't get scared off to spend time together.

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15 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

No you're right but dating is REALLY stressful. It takes so much time and energy and I think just after talking to this guy through virtual means, once we actually met for real I guess I just wanted to know if there is a point to continue the virtual interactions. But I think the mistake I made was actually trying to talk to someone not in my city which made it all more drawn out and uncertain. In all honesty though for me personally if I do try to date someone far away I need them to really put in the effort. E.g. if they're in my city and they have the day free then I would want to spend that time with them. I'm 36 in two weeks and I want to settle down so I can't just draw things out super long where I just catch up with someone for two hours once a month and that's it. But I understand it's not the other person's problem if I expect more from them and for things to move faster. Unfortunately I do need it to move faster due to my age and that I'm looking to have a family. 

But yeah I can see now that maybe I'm being too full-on. Previous to this guy I had a brief 1.5 hour date with a different guy. I liked him and only 30 minutes after the date he messaged me. We messaged a little bit and I felt excited about him. I actually had a spare ticket to go to a horror movie at the cinema two days later. We both really like horror movies. I just had the free ticket so I decided to ask him to go and he agreed. We saw the movie and went for a drink. The next day he messaged saying he "just wanted to be friends". So I'm not sure if I asked him out too fast after the first date or not. On the other hand I know that my best friend who found her husband online had like a really long first date with him because they had a lot of chemistry straight away. So it seems like if someone actually likes you they wouldn't get scared off to spend time together.

Dating was incredibly stressful for me for the 24 years I did it on and off.  It often was like a part time job.  But the question is -is the stress worth the goal.  For me it was 100%.  Do not draw anything out super long.  Meet in person ASAP after the first contact and meet and be in contact with more than one person so you're not waiting at all.  Never wait.  If he doesn't ask you out for a real first date within a week of the first meet you know he's not that into you.  With rare exception.  But don't wait during that week -live your life, meet others, etc.  At your age if you want to try to have a biological child and you haven't frozen your eggs then I would think you'd want to meet up to date around once a week.

I don't think online is any different unless you are dating online - you tried to date this guy online or at least you thought the typing/talking time counted as time invested in dating. To me it doesn't -totally irrelevant.

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37 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah I think that maybe I did come across as too full-on asking if he was interested but the thing is I've been doing a lot of online dating and it all takes a lot of time and it can be pretty stressful. I think if I'm going to do something long distance I would really need the person to show they're putting effort in because it would be taking up my time and energy to continue spending time on them. 

The keyword is *show here.  I get you didn't want to waste your time, but dating is an act of time and patience. 

Had you gone solely based on what he was showing you, I think you had your answer.    You could have simply decided he didn't show enough interest and moved on.  He might have caught up and surprised you.  You never know.

Remember, asking someone to reassure you early on will force someone to sum you up in that moment while they are still working on forming an opinion.

Ultimately you want a partner who would put careful consideration into considering whether to take it to another level.  It's an important decision that takes time.  For some more than others.

 

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I mean.....he told you what you don't want to hear - in person he didn't feel any chemistry or not enough to pursue things.

Basically, what you have here is a typical OLD situation where on paper you should be a good match - common interests, you both seem cute on camera, you get along talking or playing board games. However, in real life, that essential click, that chemistry just wasn't there and that's that. 

Seems also that the lack of that click in real life was rather mutual. What you are mourning is more the potential on paper than reality.

Above aside, I think you need to go into dates with fewer expectations on how a guy should act and what he should be doing and how. You are not only setting yourself up for disappointment, but are subconsciously creating awkwardness. People can sense your upset and disappointment and that can kill any budding genuine connection from happening.

Try to go into dates on a blank slate. Live in the present, go with what's happening and observe and process later whether you liked it or not. Less pressure = more fun and that does change the vibe on those dates. Don't rehearse so much in your head what "should be" and work more on just living in the moment.

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I think you had to ask where this was going because of his actions...not asking you questions about yourself or how your day was or whatever, instead he talked your ear off for an hour and a half about history. He didn't have the courtesy to share the popcorn (rude), he didn't interact with you much but only to boast about how he gets discounted stuff (eww really? not so sexy) I'm surprised he didn't whip out the groupon/coupon, it's early and he's grabbing for his keys instead of suggesting something else to your disappointment, and then there was the vibe of disinterest. All this is a total first impression turn off. There is nothing here that says, oh lets give this guy another chance....nothing.

Tip: I always say this, you date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. Anything less and you are definitely wasting your time. I wouldn't claw for another date with this guy. You made an effort to flirt and do what you did to show interest...this guy is not worth your time.....an interested guy SHOWS he's interested...he will not let anxiety/anything to get in the way of nailing you down if he wants you bad enough.

 

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2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Ya and he's the one that said there wasn't any romantic vibe from her...like really?

Good point. If he missed that, what else is he going to miss? She's going to have to spoon-feed this man!

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2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Actually I was taking long to reply myself but I just can't stand dragging things out. I rather get the answer out of that person and just leave it if I don't get a good response. If that makes sense...

I took the same philosophy when I was dating. I'm not one to wait around and wonder. I like to get on with my life. This guy would be a no-go for me.

Edited by Jibralta
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3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Ya and he's the one that said there wasn't any romantic vibe from her...like really?

7 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Good point. If he missed that, what else is he going to miss? She's going to have to spoon-feed this man!

 

He didn't miss anything. It's called blameshifting. This guy is really pretty passive aggressive and on that note, I think you dodged a bullet here.

The thing about him hogging the popcorn...I can pretty much bet you that what was going through his mind is that this was his "compensation" for sunk costs. He wasn't into you from the moment you met and thus the "tour guide" mode and zero interest in you as a person. He tried to make things pleasant, but being passive aggressive, he was also resentful about the whole situation.

It was not a match and a bad date on many levels. Please don't be so thirsty that you keep pursuing this. 

Dating is only as hard as you make it. The easier you write off these kinds of duds and bad dates, the easier it is on you to move on. Don't get attached to "good on paper" and do pay careful attention to bad behavior on dates. It's a time when people generally put their best foot forward, so when this is their best....RUN.

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6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

he was asking me how my Christmas was and about my family and stuff. I started to feel anxious and like he was losing interest so I didn't reply to his last message. After about ten days he texted me first and said: "Sorry I've been quiet, it's been a crazy busy week". I said that's OK and asked has he moved house like he was going to. He said: No, not yet. Next week". And that was his only response and all he said! I messaged him a bit later saying that I was getting the sense he's not that interested because he wasn't messaging as often and didn't offer to catch up

- You were getting sense he wasn't interested?  You are the one who didn't reply back for 10 days..(because you thought he was losing interest- that's on you, imo).

After about 10 days, HE messaged again.

Asking about his move.. he answered then nothing... You could have kept it going... (then you later say you were getting the sense he was not that interested)

- I feel YOU are over thinking this a lot.  One needs time.  Time to get to know one another.. to start feeling comfortable...etc.

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I'm just not sure if he's taking what I'm saying very literally. So, me asking "Are you interested?" and he said he's not feeling it yet because he doesn't really know me that well yet. I don't have feelings for him either but I do like him.

-He may not really know because he needs some time- as I said,

No, you don't always just develop feelings right away.. i am sure both were a little nervous when you had your first meet.  Can't expect something immediate after that.  

So, is up to you... do you feel he is worth it to continue to persue?

If you are all concerned re: his possibly under autism spectrum, then maybe you don't really want this.

 

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2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

The next day he messaged saying he "just wanted to be friends". So I'm not sure if I asked him out too fast after the first date or not. On the other hand I know that my best friend who found her husband online had like a really long first date with him because they had a lot of chemistry straight away. So it seems like if someone actually likes you they wouldn't get scared off to spend time together.

I think, if you're comfortable, you can use the friends like this to try to see if they know anyone who they think would be good with you/your personality.  

I think I'd maybe answer with, "Sure!  Loved getting to know you, we have a bit in common.  I'm looking for someone serious though, do you know anyone who you think would be a good fit for me?"  

And see if he can help match you personally.  Matchmaking used to be largely done that way, through networking.

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42 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Good point. If he missed that, what else is he going to miss? She's going to have to spoon-feed this man!

That's what I got out of the experience of the (possibly autistic) man I had a crush on in my teens/20's... I would have had to lead the entire relationship, and I just did. not. want. that. at. all.  !!  He was so cute, it was very hard to let go... there was sexual chemistry so it's odd that he let it go by the wayside, but I never would have been happy pulling so much weight leading it throughout life.

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1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

 

He didn't miss anything. It's called blameshifting. This guy is really pretty passive aggressive and on that note, I think you dodged a bullet here.

The thing about him hogging the popcorn...I can pretty much bet you that what was going through his mind is that this was his "compensation" for sunk costs. He wasn't into you from the moment you met and thus the "tour guide" mode and zero interest in you as a person. He tried to make things pleasant, but being passive aggressive, he was also resentful about the whole situation.

It was not a match and a bad date on many levels. Please don't be so thirsty that you keep pursuing this. 

Dating is only as hard as you make it. The easier you write off these kinds of duds and bad dates, the easier it is on you to move on. Don't get attached to "good on paper" and do pay careful attention to bad behavior on dates. It's a time when people generally put their best foot forward, so when this is their best....RUN.

I know...I didn't want to just come out and say he's being a jerk...well this time I didn't want to, trying to be fair about it, but ya I agree he's an a$$. I know anyone can do better than him....even the OP.

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I took the same philosophy when I was dating. I'm not one to wait around and wonder. I like to get on with my life. This guy would be a no-go for me.

Ya he was being rude, and this should never be overlooked.

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2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

He didn't miss anything. It's called blameshifting.

I agree. That really stood out to me in this exchange, actually:

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Later on in the evening I texted him and said I had a nice time and enjoyed meeting him in person. I asked did he feel like there was anything between us? He said: "To be honest I wasn't sure. I kind of felt like you weren't interested romantically and that made me feel awkward and unsure. What about you?" I said I think he's nice and cute and I'd like to see him again, but only if he wants to. He said: "Yes I think I do want to". 

He couldn't just say that he felt awkward and unsure. He made it her fault. It's a small thing, but it says a lot. Actually, I think the fact that it is so small is what makes it say so much. It's comes off as petty, at least to me.

 

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2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

The thing about him hogging the popcorn...I can pretty much bet you that what was going through his mind is that this was his "compensation" for sunk costs.

Ew!!! :classic_angry: But it makes sense.

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Just now, Jibralta said:

 It's a small thing, but it says a lot.

Agree.

Reluctant as I am to analyze all this too much—since most first dates are so-so—I'd say that what it "says" is he's a pretty insecure youing-ish dude. Insecure people, or people in insecure junctures, tend to be pretty self-involved. Hence: he talked a lot, asked few questions. Hence: his main focus was whether or not you were into him, rather than just being himself and getting to know you. 

I don't think this is as malicious as DF ventured, but just what the combination of awkwardness and insecurity looks like. 

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18 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Ew!!! :classic_angry: But it makes sense.

I agree....he is a tightwad. He was pretty focused on how he is able to get discounts....he probably thinks that is a great asset to impress the ladies lol, but in reality it's tacky and a turn off. Goof ball.

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