I need more dating advice!

[Tinydance]

I probably should just think for myself and not always ask for advice here, but having extra opinions helps! Back in early November I think I was going through some very old messages on the OK Cupid dating app and I saw that this guy had messaged me. I'm 35 (36 in 2 weeks) and this guy is 31. I thought his profile sounded good and we have a few things in common like liking board games and museums.  The guy is a primary school teacher and he lives four hours out of my city. I thought he looked kinda cute in his photos and he wears glasses and I love people with glasses. Also his profile said "wants kids" and I do too.

Anyway, I didn't mind as much that he lives four hours away because to be honest my online dating and just dating in general hadn't been going that well. I wasn't finding that many people I had things in common and clicked with so I was willing to date someone far away if it was the right person. Also, this guy used to live in my city and all his family and friends are here, so he visits from time to time.

We were messaging each other on the dating website back and forth and then we had a video call. We video called for over an hour and I put my iPad further out from me on the table propped up so he could see all my upper body as well as my face. He said he enjoyed talking to me. After the video call he was still messaging me and he asked if I wanted to play some board games virtually. So we played some online games and after the games we talked on the phone for three hours. He said he enjoyed talking to me and I said the same.

After that he suggested we watch a movie virtually. We watched some of the movie but it was getting a bit late and I was falling asleep, so I asked if we could finish it another time. I tried flirting with him by text saying "Sorry if this is too forward but I have a big thing for people with glasses :p" and he said: "Well that's good for me I guess!"

Then he was visiting my city and we actually went on an in person date. He used to volunteer at the city museum so he could get us free entry there. We looked around the museum for 1.5 hours and afterwards he suggested we go to IMAX cinema and watch a movie. He could get us only $2 tickets as a volunteer so he did that. To thank him I bought us a large popcorn to share.

After that I actually started to feel a bit confused and like he wasn't interested. The thing is though is that I'd been getting this vibe/sense from him that he might be on the autism spectrum. I'm not sure of course because I don't know him that well and I'm not a doctor or anything but I've known people on the autism spectrum as friends and briefly dated a couple as well. 

He's really intelligent and well educated and most of his conversation was about very intelligent topics and kind of really focused on that. When we went to the museum, he spent the whole 1.5 hours giving me a tour of the museum and bringing up a lot of other historical topics even unrelated to it. He didn't really ask me much about how I've been or let me make conversation about anything else. But he was being really friendly and seemed nice in person. I flirted with him and he laughed.

Then in the cinema he acted a bit weird. He was super fidgety and he took the large popcorn we were meant to be sharing and just put it on his lap and basically wasn't sharing. He had it far away from me and every time I reached my hand to get some, he didn't offer it to me or put the popcorn closer to me or in the middle. I found that weird because most people would have shared, especially because I actually paid for it.

The movie went for just over two hours and as soon as we walked out, he took out his car keys and said he was going home to stay at his parents' place. I actually liked him so thought maybe he would want to go get something to eat for dinner because it was only 7 p.m. I said I took the train and he asked would I like a lift home? I said no because his parents lived far from me and I didn't want to make him go out of his way.

Later on in the evening I texted him and said I had a nice time and enjoyed meeting him in person. I asked did he feel like there was anything between us? He said: "To be honest I wasn't sure. I kind of felt like you weren't interested romantically and that made me feel awkward and unsure. What about you?" I said I think he's nice and cute and I'd like to see him again, but only if he wants to. He said: "Yes I think I do want to". 

After that he was still messaging me but the frequency had dropped a bit and he hadn't offered to do any more video calls or phone calls or anything. But he was asking me how my Christmas was and about my family and stuff. I started to feel anxious and like he was losing interest so I didn't reply to his last message. After about ten days he texted me first and said: "Sorry I've been quiet, it's been a crazy busy week". I said that's OK and asked has he moved house like he was going to. He said: No, not yet. Next week". And that was his only response and all he said! I messaged him a bit later saying that I was getting the sense he's not that interested because he wasn't messaging as often and didn't offer to catch up. He said: "If I'm honest I'm a bit ambivalent about keeping this going. I want to try, but I'm not feeling it yet." Which I know pretty much more or less gives me my answer but I just wasn't sure if he's on the autism spectrum whether he might be taking my questions very literally. I just found it odd when he said he thought I wasn't interested in him romantically after I flirted with him twice and I'm actually also a very friendly and bubbly woman and smile and chat a lot. I was interested in him so I'm sure my facial expressions and body language would have shown that, as well as the flirting. 

I'm just not sure if he's taking what I'm saying very literally. So, me asking "Are you interested?" and he said he's not feeling it yet because he doesn't really know me that well yet. I don't have feelings for him either but I do like him. 

At the same time of course I don't want to waste my time and especially as he does live four hours away. So a lot of the dating would have to be through video calls and phone calls and I would need him to be more enthusiastic about the texting and online communication.

[Andrina]

Just some advice for the future: IMO, texting should never be used for important discussions, such as when you asked if he felt there was anything between you two. I would have the discussion through a phone call or in person, but actually after just one date, I wouldn't have broached that subject. I would have let his efforts, or lack of efforts in keeping connected speak for itself, and gauge his interest through that.

He might've picked up on your confused vibes about his behavior on the date, but that's okay. You were being your genuine self.

 messaged him a bit later saying that I was getting the sense he's not that interested because he wasn't messaging as often and didn't offer to catch up.

Again, that's an important topic not to be texted. It's criticizing instead of just having a wait-and-see attitude. It's best to keep communication light and fun at this stage. Of course, that said, you should have your own personal timeline of how much time you will give a long distance guy to ask you out again, and if he doesn't come through but keeps breadcrumb texting, I'd either block his number or give him a call and let him know you're looking to regularly date someone, and that the minimal texting isn't enough for you.

Sounds like you two just don't gel. You don't understand each other and something is off. I've been there, where I wanted things to fit, but they just didn't. When I met my future husband, we felt so comfortable with each other on the first date, and it was a relief for me when he made it crystal clear how into me he was, and didn't leave me guessing.

It's up to you to if you want to leave the door open for now or not, while you also seek out other options.

[Tinydance]

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Just some advice for the future: IMO, texting should never be used for important discussions, such as when you asked if he felt there was anything between you two. I would have the discussion through a phone call or in person, but actually after just one date, I wouldn't have broached that subject. I would have let his efforts, or lack of efforts in keeping connected speak for itself, and gauge his interest through that.

He might've picked up on your confused vibes about his behavior on the date, but that's okay. You were being your genuine self.

 messaged him a bit later saying that I was getting the sense he's not that interested because he wasn't messaging as often and didn't offer to catch up.

Again, that's an important topic not to be texted. It's criticizing instead of just having a wait-and-see attitude. It's best to keep communication light and fun at this stage. Of course, that said, you should have your own personal timeline of how much time you will give a long distance guy to ask you out again, and if he doesn't come through but keeps breadcrumb texting, I'd either block his number or give him a call and let him know you're looking to regularly date someone, and that the minimal texting isn't enough for you.

Sounds like you two just don't gel. You don't understand each other and something is off. I've been there, where I wanted things to fit, but they just didn't. When I met my future husband, we felt so comfortable with each other on the first date, and it was a relief for me when he made it crystal clear how into me he was, and didn't leave me guessing.

It's up to you to if you want to leave the door open for now or not, while you also seek out other options.

Yeah I'm thinking maybe he's not really that keen but I guess he did want to see how it went. He actually seemed like a nice guy and not fake or anything. So I don't imagine he would lie about what he's saying. So that's why I didn't understand how he thought I wasn't romantically interested when I thought I was being pretty clear and even forward. I know maybe I was too full-on asking if he's interested but it's because he was taking maybe about 3 days to reply to each message. Before that he was better at replying but not super often. He replied sometimes the same day but sometimes 1-2 days later. I guess it is fair enough though not to know if you're "interested" as he perceived my question to ask if he had romantic feelings. I wasn't actually asking that but rather was trying to ask if he thinks we should continue trying to date and get to know each other more. I think I just began to feel anxious because with other people who live in my city and we can catch up quickly again, I can find out pretty fast how it's going. With a long distance thing I would want to have more communication to show that he's interested in getting to know each other and get to know each other through video call and the actual texting. I think maybe he also wasn't acting in the way I wanted him to, e.g. after the movie didn't suggest to get dinner and just took out his car keys. But he did offer to give me a lift home which he didn't have to do. So maybe he was actually open to spending more time together. It's a shame because I liked him but I also don't want to be the one who's more interested when he doesn't seem as keen.

[greendots]

I'm no expert but I hope this helps: I remember having expectations in my mind of how a date should behave like (e.g. sharing food, paying on the first date, etc.). Well, I found out that this affected the vibe I was giving and I was pushing men (subconsciously) to act a certain way, which is a huge turn-off. I figured that because men are different, I better learn how to ditch those expectations and enjoy the ride. Basically, my sole expectation should be getting to know whoever I'm dating. Obviously, easier said than done but worth trying. Note: I'm still learning...

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I said I took the train and he asked would I like a lift home? I said no because his parents lived far from me and I didn't want to make him go out of his way.

Maybe he didn't prolong the date (i.e. going out to dinner). But he did offer you a lift back home. That is certainly something! Just because he didn't act the way you hoped for, doesn't mean he wasn't interested.

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I want to try, but I'm not feeling it yet.

He said try and yet. So there's still hope. Less worrying translates to more of a positive vibe. All the best for you! 🙂

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Sounds like you two just don't gel. You don't understand each other and something is off.

This is what is sounds like to me. Seems like one of those moments where, for reasons probably not worth analyzing, you each ended up feeling pretty insecure around the other, at the expense of your more secure, genuine selves. 

Dating is always a bit clumsy and awkward, but there should be a cute factor to that klutziness. Seems that key ingredient is missing, much as you'd like to be tasting it. 

 

 

[Tinydance]

10 minutes ago, greendots said:

I'm no expert but I hope this helps: I remember having expectations in my mind of how a date should behave like (e.g. sharing food, paying on the first date, etc.). Well, I found out that this affected the vibe I was giving and I was pushing men (subconsciously) to act a certain way, which is a huge turn-off. I figured that because men are different, I better learn how to ditch those expectations and enjoy the ride. Basically, my sole expectation should be getting to know whoever I'm dating. Obviously, easier said than done but worth trying. Note: I'm still learning...

Maybe he didn't prolong the date (i.e. going out to dinner). But he did offer you a lift back home. That is certainly something! Just because he didn't act the way you hoped for, doesn't mean he wasn't interested.

He said try and yet. So there's still hope. Less worrying translates to more of a positive vibe. All the best for you! 🙂

Yeah to be honest I think I just began to feel really anxious because I began to like him after meeting in person and the fact that he was taking longer to reply and it was hard to meet in real life made me feel stressed because I didn't know what he was thinking. On the other hand logically I know that unless you actually are a couple that it's not necessary to text every day. Especially with him living a four hour drive away, it was obviously going to be a slow thing where we could only catch up when he was back in my city visiting his family and friends. I guess his interest wasn't nothing but maybe it's not that big either where he felt excited about texting me and wanted to video call me more or anything.

[Tinydance]

Yeah I'm thinking the same but I guess I just wanted to give it a go. I was a bit concerned though that because he lives in a small rural town four hours away from the city that he just doesn't have many options to meet any women. Especially also because I heard from a few of my male friends that they don't get many matches on online dating. That's considering they're attractive and have a good profile and we live in a city of nearly six million people. So I also wasn't sure if this guy was trying to give it a go because he had nobody else but he wasn't necessarily vibing me that much. Part of me thinks I should have just seen how it goes but I became very nervous because I didn't really have a clear answer if he was interested in pursuing it or not. I think it would have been more clear with someone in my city because then the idea would be to go on another date. And if the person didn't seem to want more dates then it would be clear they're not interested. Here because we couldn't just meet up quickly again I just wasn't sure what the situation was and it made me stressed.

[Lambert]

It seems to me, from what you said, you are both on the fence. And honestly, I'm not sure one person can compensate for that, especially in a long distance relationship.  you are also on the fence. so if you jump in Gung ho, you may give him the sense you are more interested, which may cause him to be more interested... but are you being true to yourself? you'd be saying you are more interested, but really you don't know that you are. 

Long distance relationships are hard because it's hard to keep up the level of in person interaction that the relationship needs. We need the mundane, quick interactions to build familiarity and also the space to process our feelings. Marathon level dates, less frequently, do not garner the same results.

A new long distance relationship just gets to be too much work. yes. he might come to your town a lot. But he has a list of people to see. Maybe he didn't want to do dinner, because he needed to see his parents. 

I think its best to let this go a bit. Reach out if you want, let it be slow, then you'll see how you feel and if he drops off,  oh well.  you had a nice time. no hard feelings.

[smackie9]

By what he said and his behavior after, he didn't feel any chemistry, and he was just being polite.

This guy is a dud...like zzzzzzzzzz boring! Sure he looks great on paper, is friendly and somewhat attractive but his personality, and social interaction is of no action. You can't build a connection romantically with someone like that.

ya we get these posts where they say I want to give it another go, but later come back and say, "what the hell was I thinking?....."

 

[maritalbliss86]

23 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah to be honest I think I just began to feel really anxious because I began to like him after meeting in person and the fact that he was taking longer to reply and it was hard to meet in real life made me feel stressed because I didn't know what he was thinking.

I think it's good to retain some mystery in the beginning, and like others said, have a lightness.

When you're anxious, it may be coming across as desperation, which is a turn-off to men, even if they can tell you're interested.  But most men probably wouldn't tell you that, because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

[maritalbliss86]

I think in the future, if someone backs off with the messaging, try to mirror that behavior and focus on your life and other activities so as not to seem desperate for his attention.

It may have fizzled out that way with this man.  If you hadn't kept trying and trying to get him to respond, instead of just waiting and seeing what his actions tell you, you could have found out he's not that interested through his actions.

I have heard though from male friends that when a woman messages a lot and texts etc. it can kill the romantic feelings.

Men usually want a chase... so letting him decide when to message gives him that AND it shows you if he's not interested enough to chase you.

[Lambert]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

By what he said and his behavior after, he didn't feel any chemistry, and he was just being polite.

This guy is a dud...like zzzzzzzzzz boring! Sure he looks great on paper, is friendly and somewhat attractive but his personality, and social interaction is of no action. You can't build a connection romantically with someone like that.

ya we get these posts where they say I want to give it another go, but later come back and say, "what the hell was I thinking?....."

 

this too. he does seem like a snoozer. 😆

[Batya33]

I think he's' not interested enough to pursue something that involves the long distance obstacle.  Maybe he would be if you lived closer.  I personally would have been put off getting the text you sent -especially by text -after a first meet- it would have been way too full on for me and awkward.  The way you know if someone is interested after a first meet is simple -a person who is interested will ask you out on a real first date he plans in advance or will accept with enthusiasm your invitation for another date that involves time and place (or at least 'want to see a movie next weekend?").  That is the action in early meeting/dating that shows interest in dating.  He might be interested in talking with you, he might be interested in kissing you if you were close by, etc but if he were interested in dating you he would ask you on another date.  Sometimes the person asks while meeting you and sometimes after -you as the woman especially -if you're into traditional dating -should express appreciation and thanks if that is warranted and show with your body language that you are interested - not talking about sexually -just show with good eye contact, good listening.  That's all.  I think you built up expectations based on the pre-meet typing/talking/video chats.

Most people would be put off by meeting you once and then receiving a text asking what your interest level was unless they were over the top infatuated.  And in that case the text likely would never happen because the whole reason women send that kind of text -often couched as a transparent "just wanted to thank you again " text - is because they sensed a lack of interest or ambivalence.  So the text makes the person less interested and more on the fence in my dating experience.  

 

I know dating is so hard right now and I know you think you had a lot in common.  He may be on the spectrum.  I'd assume though that he is not asking you out again because right now he is not interested in dating you - I'd leave the autism evaluation to a professional.  I'm sorry.

[maritalbliss86]

FWIW I think you're going to love being married once you find the right man who pursues you and loves you and shows that.  

To me marriage felt so wonderful, comfortable, and safe.  I knew my man was crazy about me and all those ridiculous games of cat and mouse were over

You won't have to, "figure it out," anymore in large part because the RIGHT man will show his affection/feelings, etc.  

[smackie9]

Just now, Lambert said:

this too. he does seem like a snoozer. 😆

Ya and he's the one that said there wasn't any romantic vibe from her...like really?

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

FWIW I think you're going to love being married once you find the right man who pursues you and loves you and shows that.  

To me marriage felt so wonderful, comfortable, and safe.  I knew my man was crazy about me and all those ridiculous games of cat and mouse were over

You won't have to, "figure it out," anymore in large part because the RIGHT man will show his affection/feelings, etc.  

Yes and sometimes because men are people too (I know, shocking LOL), they show affection/feelings especially early on through actions - they ask you out, plan dates in advance, show up on time, sometimes give you small gifts that are inexpensive but meaningful, they talk of future activities but concretely - even if they are "spontaneous" they are motivated to make plans with you because in part they don't want you snapped up by some other guy.  

When my husband and I got back together after dating in the past he bought me a beautiful heart necklace for my birthday.  We'd gotten back together right before my birthday and he was out of town and he'd planned our weekend date two weeks in advance.  He put the necklace on me and we hadn't even shared a real first kiss yet.  He didn't kiss me then - that happened later.  When I asked him much later why he didn't kiss me after putting my necklace on he said "because that would have seemed like I was trying to use the fact that I was putting it on as an excuse to kiss you.  He actually thought of that.  He wanted our "second first kiss" to be special and as perfect as it could be.  It totally was.

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think he's' not interested enough to pursue something that involves the long distance obstacle.  Maybe he would be if you lived closer.  I personally would have been put off getting the text you sent -especially by text -after a first meet- it would have been way too full on for me and awkward.  The way you know if someone is interested after a first meet is simple -a person who is interested will ask you out on a real first date he plans in advance or will accept with enthusiasm your invitation for another date that involves time and place (or at least 'want to see a movie next weekend?").  That is the action in early meeting/dating that shows interest in dating.  He might be interested in talking with you, he might be interested in kissing you if you were close by, etc but if he were interested in dating you he would ask you on another date.  Sometimes the person asks while meeting you and sometimes after -you as the woman especially -if you're into traditional dating -should express appreciation and thanks if that is warranted and show with your body language that you are interested - not talking about sexually -just show with good eye contact, good listening.  That's all.  I think you built up expectations based on the pre-meet typing/talking/video chats.

Most people would be put off by meeting you once and then receiving a text asking what your interest level was unless they were over the top infatuated.  And in that case the text likely would never happen because the whole reason women send that kind of text -often couched as a transparent "just wanted to thank you again " text - is because they sensed a lack of interest or ambivalence.  So the text makes the person less interested and more on the fence in my dating experience.  

 

I know dating is so hard right now and I know you think you had a lot in common.  He may be on the spectrum.  I'd assume though that he is not asking you out again because right now he is not interested in dating you - I'd leave the autism evaluation to a professional.  I'm sorry.

Well I'll be honest why I sent that text and that's because just before going on that date I'd been on a couple of dates with another guy I was into. And that guy said he wasn't feeling it and I felt really disappointed. I acted fine, I just thanked him for his time and his honesty and never messaged again. I agree maybe my text was too forward but I did sense maybe he wasn't that interested or I actually just thought he was acting a bit weird. Because we'd been talking online and by video calls and phone calls for a couple of months and this was our first chance to actually meet in person. We were talking about what we could do for the date and one option we discussed was getting a coffee or something to eat. I just thought that considering we may not have seen each other for ages afterwards I thought he might want to get a drink or something after the movie. As soon as we walked out of the movies he took out his car keys. Which to me seemed like he just wanted to leave. I didn't say anything full-on but just said thank you for meeting up, it was fun, and good luck moving house. I said I'll go catch the train home and he offered me a lift home. He actually is from my city originally so he knows where I live. I live only a twenty minute train ride from the city. So then I thought why is he offering to drive me home? It was only 7:30 p.m. and it's summer in Australia and only gets dark at 9 p.m. So then I just wasn't sure what was actually going on. I wanted to just ask and if he said he had no interest then I'd just say no problem and leave it. I just didn't want to wait to hear nothing and stress about it. I do prefer to know if someone has any interest or not so I can move on if they don't. Coz the thing is I spent time on this guy already so it wasn't like this was our first interaction ever. I understand it was maybe too forward but I like to just get an idea of whether I'll hear from this person  again or not.

[Tinydance]

18 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think it's good to retain some mystery in the beginning, and like others said, have a lightness.

When you're anxious, it may be coming across as desperation, which is a turn-off to men, even if they can tell you're interested.  But most men probably wouldn't tell you that, because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

Yeah but to be honest I think I was probably anxious for some particular reason. Sure I get stressed about dating but if I get a good vibe from someone I don't actually feel anxious or anything. I've done a lot of online dating and normally I'm not usually like this. I think maybe I had a bad feeling or something.

[Lambert]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Ya and he's the one that said there wasn't any romantic vibe from her...like really?

It's one of those things, where you go along and then you wonder why your unsatisfied in the relationship.  Like who really... wants to date someone that is milk toast 🤔

 

[lostandhurt]

Take this from a guy that has been on more than a few first meets.

Not all men are confident and smooth on the first meet or even the tenth date.  Men can be awkward and insecure, intimidated, shy and nervous.  He used to work at the museum so showing you around and talking about what he knew was comfortable to him.  How many times have any of us been nervous on a first date/meet and ended up talking to much and not asking enough questions?  The popcorn thing is a mystery to me.  I learned long ago not to eat popcorn on a date since it gives you popcorn breath! (just in case there is a kiss later) I don't know how many times I have been driving home and realized a woman I had met at some social gathering had been flirting with me.  I literally hit myself in the forehead and said DUH!, I am an idiot.  

  You are attracted to him, he seems nice although possibly socially awkward, he was honest with you on how he felt and was a gentleman about offering to take you home.  These are all good things right? 

  I wouldn't write this guy off yet.  On second dates each person is more relaxed and you see more of the actual person without the nerves.  You can leave the door open with him and tell him to let you know the next time he is planning on being in town so you can get together.   It isn't being desperate or weak, it is being open to possibilities.  Conventional dating rules don't always apply when you are in an unconventional situation.  Really what do you have to lose by reaching out and offering?

   Lost

[maritalbliss86]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yeah but to be honest I think I was probably anxious for some particular reason. Sure I get stressed about dating but if I get a good vibe from someone I don't actually feel anxious or anything. I've done a lot of online dating and normally I'm not usually like this. I think maybe I had a bad feeling or something.

It really could have been his behavior while out that made you extra anxious.

There was a guy in my teens, slightly older than me that I really liked, but even though I could tell he liked me, would pursue me some, he never ever took things further.  My mom spent a lot of time around him and thought he was possibly on the spectrum (in her mind).

Fast forward to me in college, his non-autistic best friend saw me and ran up to me and told me his best friend still really wanted to try to date me... talked about me all the time, etc.

I was thrilled, obviously he was a major crush in my teens.  So I gave his best friend my number.

The guy (possibly on spectrum) calls, we chat and it's awesome.  We go out on a date and everything is great, and then I never hear back from him LOL!!!

So I think I did reach out once again... because I knew he liked me (and he should have een able to tell I was totally into him), but it just never went anywhere so I let him go and moved on.

[Tinydance]

36 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It seems to me, from what you said, you are both on the fence. And honestly, I'm not sure one person can compensate for that, especially in a long distance relationship.  you are also on the fence. so if you jump in Gung ho, you may give him the sense you are more interested, which may cause him to be more interested... but are you being true to yourself? you'd be saying you are more interested, but really you don't know that you are. 

Long distance relationships are hard because it's hard to keep up the level of in person interaction that the relationship needs. We need the mundane, quick interactions to build familiarity and also the space to process our feelings. Marathon level dates, less frequently, do not garner the same results.

A new long distance relationship just gets to be too much work. yes. he might come to your town a lot. But he has a list of people to see. Maybe he didn't want to do dinner, because he needed to see his parents. 

I think its best to let this go a bit. Reach out if you want, let it be slow, then you'll see how you feel and if he drops off,  oh well.  you had a nice time. no hard feelings.

Yeah absolutely. The thing is I'm serious about actually finding someone (not just anyone) so I am actually willing to put the effort in that's required. What I mean is, if someone lives a few hours away and they actually are interested and I'm interested, I'll make the effort. I have a car so I can drive wherever and I actually love road trips. I'd be happy continuing talking to that person through video calls and texts and so on. We could meet halfway or take turns driving to where they live or where I live. Like I really want to find love and have a family and if that person has potential then I'll work for that relationship. But of course I would need to be getting some enthusiasm from them in return.

[reinventmyself]

I realize I am only going by what you've written. But what do you like about this guy, exactly?

We sometimes only share information to pose an argument or paint a picture, but from where I sit, other than your original video date the rest you shared seemed strained and awkward.

You two spent sufficient time sharing your ambivalence to each other, but I didn't see any compliments or encouragement.   With the exception of you telling him you liked men in glasses there doesn't appear to be any positive exchanges between the two of you.

This got off to bad start, though not great but not necessarily the end.  If it was one off experience I'd give it another chance.  But you just accounted for the past few exchanges that has left you doubting.  The fact that you are already summing him to possibly having a disability is super confusing when you then mention that you like this guy.  People on the autism spectrum have challenges connecting intimately with others.  I'll assume you are aware of that since you brought it up.

Part of being human is wanting to be accepted.  I'd do some serious soul searching and ask myself if this is more about wanting to be desired than it is about whether this guy is the one. 

He's shown you who he is.  Do you think this will change and would you be ok with more of the same?

My second date with my bf was awkward and he wasn't himself.  Had I based my decision on that one night we might not be together today.  But everything before, after and inbetween made up for that one night.

[Tinydance]

22 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

FWIW I think you're going to love being married once you find the right man who pursues you and loves you and shows that.  

To me marriage felt so wonderful, comfortable, and safe.  I knew my man was crazy about me and all those ridiculous games of cat and mouse were over

You won't have to, "figure it out," anymore in large part because the RIGHT man will show his affection/feelings, etc.  

I just hope so much that person  is out there. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it 😞

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I'll be honest why I sent that text and that's because just before going on that date I'd been on a couple of dates with another guy I was into. And that guy said he wasn't feeling it and I felt really disappointed. I acted fine, I just thanked him for his time and his honesty and never messaged again. I agree maybe my text was too forward but I did sense maybe he wasn't that interested or I actually just thought he was acting a bit weird. Because we'd been talking online and by video calls and phone calls for a couple of months and this was our first chance to actually meet in person. We were talking about what we could do for the date and one option we discussed was getting a coffee or something to eat. I just thought that considering we may not have seen each other for ages afterwards I thought he might want to get a drink or something after the movie. As soon as we walked out of the movies he took out his car keys. Which to me seemed like he just wanted to leave. I didn't say anything full-on but just said thank you for meeting up, it was fun, and good luck moving house. I said I'll go catch the train home and he offered me a lift home. He actually is from my city originally so he knows where I live. I live only a twenty minute train ride from the city. So then I thought why is he offering to drive me home? It was only 7:30 p.m. and it's summer in Australia and only gets dark at 9 p.m. So then I just wasn't sure what was actually going on. I wanted to just ask and if he said he had no interest then I'd just say no problem and leave it. I just didn't want to wait to hear nothing and stress about it. I do prefer to know if someone has any interest or not so I can move on if they don't. Coz the thing is I spent time on this guy already so it wasn't like this was our first interaction ever. I understand it was maybe too forward but I like to just get an idea of whether I'll hear from this person  again or not.

OK so here's the thing.  In my humble opinion good things come from patience.  It's harder on you but keep your eyes on the prize.  "I just want to know" is about you -it's self-absorbed -let the man court you.  Let the man have space from you after he meets you to have time to think things over, think about how much fun he had meeting you, etc -let him do the asking if you like traditional dating.  If you insist on knowing ASAP at least do that by asking him out for another date time and place -not asking someone you met once what he thinks of you -because you were doing that for you not for him.  We'd all like to just get an idea of how we did -do you call your interviewer right after the interview to ask if you got the job? Or to ask what your chances are of getting the job?

If you want to maximize your chances of meeting people who are looking for healthy relationships with a healthy person absorb the pain of waiting and give the person space - because that's part of a developing relationship whether romantic or not - not being full on especially for your own purposes.  Most healthy people don't like that and when I was on the fence if the guy called me with an inquiry like that it pushed me much much further to "nope -too clingy -see ya".

If spending time before you meet typing and talking makes you feel entitled to get an answer to "are you interested?" then don't do that -don't invest if it's going to increase the temptation for instant gratification.  I waited 8 days for my future husband to ask me out on our first real date -we'd had a few platonic meet ups over two weeks where I wasn't sure what was going on. I kept my mouth shut because I had my eyes on the prize and didn't want to upset the delicate balance of getting to know each other again.  You know what - I did slip up -I sent him an email after 8 days that was a second contact in that week.  I don't regret it but I was very conflicted over whether it would be too much.  Luckily it wasn't.  Why didn't he contact me? Because he was away and I suspect he was doing a lot of thinking about next steps - because our next step was totally full on as far as commitment and future intentions.  I am so glad I didn't bombard him with contact and absorbed the discomfort of waiting.