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In a new relationship and need some reassurance?


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So after getting out of a traumatic 6 year relationship about a year ago, I started dating this new guy right around Thanksgiving. So it's only been about 6 or 7 weeks. We hit it off great, I feel very comfortable with him and I think he does with me. He's very affectionate and not hyper sexual with me, but we do hookup sometimes. 

I'm having a hard time with that because I have been so used to "having" to perform to receive attention, so it still distresses me a little that he isn't always trying to have sex with me, somehow. 

BUT, he calls me everyday we don't see each other (not much of a texter) and brings me lunch at work sometimes and vice versa. His coworkers know about me. He will go places with me, public and what not. 

Oh and also I have his house key and he has mine. Mostly to check on each other's animals when need be. His dog only likes me and my cat recently had a medical incident and he would go check her for me while I was at work.

So I FEEL that he is into me. And early on we both stated we were looking for an actual long term relationship. 

The part that throws me off is yesterday we were on the phone and he asked me what he is to me, then quickly changed the subject. I  brought it back up and it got weird to have the "what are we" conversation. And we both agreed we enjoy what we have. That isn't a red flag is it? I guess it's still early to have to label anything?

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Things are often fragile and uncertain in the beginning.  I think everything you've shared sounds perfectly normal.  The fact that he brought up the 'what are we' conversation is a good sign.  His backing down appears to be nerves.  But I think you know that??    

You need to self soothe a little here.  We can't reassure you and dating 6 weeks in isn't for sissy's.  There are no guarantees.   All you can do is take it day by day, enjoy the ride and know that you have what it takes if it doesn't go any further.

Overthinking and trying to forecast this early will change your energy and he will pick up your insecurities.  Live in the moment.   It's still really early on and in the scheme of things you two are still just getting to know each other.

Edited by reinventmyself
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17 minutes ago, Spicydicey449 said:

So it's only been about 6 or 7 weeks.

he calls me everyday we don't see each other (not much of a texter) and brings me lunch at work sometimes and vice versa.

And early on we both stated we were looking for an actual long term relationship. 

Excellent. Relax, he treating you well. It's just 45 days, so relax and enjoy. Try to slow down a bit with the keys exchanges, etc.. Too much too soon is not a good place to be. As far as the 'what are we?' talk, skip that and simply state you wish to be exclusive.

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48 minutes ago, Spicydicey449 said:

after getting out of a traumatic 6 year relationship about a year ago, I started dating this new guy right around Thanksgiving. So it's only been about 6 or 7 weeks. We hit it off great, I feel very comfortable with him and I think he does with me. He's very affectionate and not hyper sexual with me, but we do hookup sometimes. 

I feel YOU moved on a little too quickly, after being in a long-term toxic relationship....

One NEEDS some time to adjust, to heal and be able to move on 'in a good mental state'.  Do you feel you are okay?

It seems as though you still have some 'trauma effects' present in this new relationship.. (so far).

In the beginning of a new relationship, things can seem really good ( honeymoon phase).  And one will come to realize IF this is for them.. or not withing usually the first 6+ months.

Not sure if it was such a good idea to hand over your keys to this guy- of whom you have only known a cpl of months?  :/  ( how well do you really know him?).. Do you think that maybe you are jumping all ahead a little too much, too fast? ). 

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Let's cover the sexual part.  Does he know about your last relationship?  Does he know you felt you had to perform to receive attention?  Even if he has a hint of that he may be cautious so you don't think all he wants is sex and you mean more to him than just some girl he has sex with.

The other stuff is all normal.  You are wondering what he is thinking/feeling and he is in the same boat.  Reassure him that you REALLY LIKE him and that you are happy that you found each other.

I didn't see where you two talked of being exclusive yet.  Has that happened?

  Lost 

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48 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Let's cover the sexual part.  Does he know about your last relationship?  Does he know you felt you had to perform to receive attention?  Even if he has a hint of that he may be cautious so you don't think all he wants is sex and you mean more to him than just some girl he has sex with.

The other stuff is all normal.  You are wondering what he is thinking/feeling and he is in the same boat.  Reassure him that you REALLY LIKE him and that you are happy that you found each other.

I didn't see where you two talked of being exclusive yet.  Has that happened?

  Lost 

He doesn't know a ton about it. Just that is was very neglectful and I just got to feel worthless and like a mom simultaneously.

 

And we haven't had a specific talk about being exclusive. We have both agreed we want a real long term relationship (that it is what we are both looking for). Other than that we have just indicated that we both really enjoy each other and like what we have. 

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

I feel YOU moved on a little too quickly, after being in a long-term toxic relationship....

One NEEDS some time to adjust, to heal and be able to move on 'in a good mental state'.  Do you feel you are okay?

It seems as though you still have some 'trauma effects' present in this new relationship.. (so far).

In the beginning of a new relationship, things can seem really good ( honeymoon phase).  And one will come to realize IF this is for them.. or not withing usually the first 6+ months.

Not sure if it was such a good idea to hand over your keys to this guy- of whom you have only known a cpl of months?  😕 ( how well do you really know him?).. Do you think that maybe you are jumping all ahead a little too much, too fast? ). 

Well, I had basically been numb and moved on for like the last year or two I was in that relationship, I just had to get bold enough to break it off. So I think that counts for something? I've been in therapy as well and feel like I'm in an okay place to start dating again? Maybe you have a point though. 

And I agree the key thing might have been too soon, BUT it has only been used to check on animals only. And with permission as he is someone that my cats feel safe with.

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Relax, he treating you well. It's just 45 days, so relax and enjoy. Try to slow down a bit with the keys exchanges, etc.. Too much too soon is not a good place to be. As far as the 'what are we?' talk, skip that and simply state you wish to be exclusive.

Thank you, I appreciate it. Its just good to hear that it isn't suspicious this early on. It's just been so long that it's all new and weird to me 😬

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Okay all I can say is you are having sex so when is the time to discuss being exclusive?  That could be what he was trying to get at when he stopped suddenly.

  You don't have to put any pressure on him but you do need to protect your health, especially these days.  It sounds like you are exclusive anyways and just haven't said the words. 

Be brave and speak up if it is important to you, if he is a solid guy he will listen and let you know how he feels.

All in all it sounds like a budding romance that is on a good track.  Relax

Lost

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I think when we enter into a new relationship there are those normal exchanges that flush up past memories from similar experiences.  It's up to you to recognize that and acknowledge that this is a different person and a likely different outcome.

If these recollections flood you too much, you might need to step back or even acknowledge you might not be as ready as you thought.

It can be a challenge to compartmentalize the two.  

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2 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said:

And I agree the key thing might have been too soon, BUT it has only been used to check on animals only. And with permission as he is someone that my cats feel safe with.

Good, that you have been in therapy- bring up this issue you're having with this guy- (not sure if something from your past is setting you off with this one?).

Your choice if you want to hand a key to someone you've only recently started dating, but how do you know he isn't going thru your stuff.. being nosy ?)... Just talking about trust & respect... and you are still learning about him?

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