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Am I heading for disaster?


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Here it goes....
I was seeing someone for 2 years and we both cared for each other but I broke it off after I could see he was not on the same page in terms of commitment and we're both older so I didn't want to lose time. He was very sweet and caring and reserved (like my late husband) but never introduced me to his family and friends after almost 2 years even though I introduced to everyone early one; he promised trips we never took; and in general, did not have a lot of time for me (he worked almost 6 days/week) and he wasn't willing to change.
I met someone else and have been seeing him more than a year but he is very different; not quiet, but rather outspoken and sometimes controlling.
My family including my kids said they liked my prior bf the best b/c he seemed to "fit in" and "knew his place" (he wasn't bossy, etc.).

I have been in touch with my prior bf on and off for a month b/c of certain life events I wanted to share. Now he wants to talk to me and said he "loves" being in touch with me again.

I'm still seeing my current bf and feel guilty even talking to my ex.

Am I on a crash course?

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3 minutes ago, headwinds987 said:

I met someone else and have been seeing him more than a year but he is very different; not quiet, but rather outspoken and sometimes controlling.
My family including my kids said they liked my prior bf the best b/c he seemed to "fit in" and "knew his place" (he wasn't bossy, etc.).

The man you're with has caused way to many problems for you. Does the former guy wish to get back together? Clearly you've been unhappy about this controlling guy the entire time.

Neither of them seem like a good fit, but if you're talking about the lesser of two evils, guy #1 seems better than the current guy whose alienated you from your family and they keep warning you about.

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In a word YES

Is this who you are?  Leaving out hurting two other people what will this be like for you when it blows up?

  Do you love or are you In Love with this guy you have been dating for a year?  If so then what does it matter if your family isn't his number one fan?

  Do you still love your old bf?  If so you shouldn't be stringing this other guy along.

Basically you need to decide these things separately.   We see here all the time how after some new person or old in this case shows up on the scene and the current bf/gf all of a sudden loses their shine.  If it didn't work out with the other guy after 2 years of not putting in the effort, spending quality time with you and fulfilling promises then what makes you think it will be different now?  You said yourself he wasn't willing to change or even try to keep you.  Just because he is lonely or bored due to covid doesn't mean he has changed.

As far as your current bf goes.  If he isn't right for YOU (family excluded in the decision) then end things with him, be single for a while and find a man that checks most of your boxes.

  Finish your business before starting anything new with anyone.

  Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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The current relationship is never going to work if you're still communicating or having thoughts about going back to your ex. 

I think it's best to really face the end of your relationship now rather than worry about which man is better for you. 

One thing at a time - deal with the unfulfilling nature of your current relationship first. End it if it's not right for you and then take some time to heal from it. 

You may realize that neither are a good fit and surprise yourself. You mentioned being older and not wanting to lose time. What does this mean? Were you/are you intending on marrying or remarrying? Dig deep... what other life goals do you have? Interests, desires? What's fueling having these relationship options? Are they really options at all? What do you need these two for? 

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Your ex sounds exactly like a guy I dated for a year. Does his name begin with and "S?" ha ha When I met my present husband, who is a million times better in every way than the ex, I shake my head at myself for having spent so long with someone so unworthy of me. At the time, I thought my self esteem was healthy, but looking back, I saw it was totally lacking to have tolerated what I did.

I'm assuming your self esteem needs work as well. You've jumped from one poor relationship to another poor one, even if different. And because you're not happy in the present, you're mistakenly looking to the past for happiness because the future doesn't exist yet, so you can't imagine finding it there.

Never start a new romantic relationship with someone until you've wrapped up the old one. You're trying to put a Band-aid over your hurts, and going about finding a good partner it in the wrong way. For one thing, it's always wrong to treat someone how you would never want to be treated. If you wouldn't want a partner to reach out to an ex, seeking a romantic escape, then you don't do that either. And the fact that the ex accepts this from you, when he fully knows you have a bf, is totally telling that he doesn't really want you as a lifetime partner. Because a decent guy with ethics would tell a woman, "When you're fully free, that's when you can call me." Although a decent guy would think, "If she's doing this to him, if she and I got together and had problems, she'd be going behind my back to chat up another guy. Not a good sign of how she rolls."

My advice: Be alone. Work on your self-esteem until it's at a place you can date and choose potential dates with higher standards in mind. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list. Cut off men far sooner if you see dealbreakers or encounter a lack of must-haves. 

I've made many mistakes in my dating life as well. It enabled me to eventually learn and do better for myself. I hope the same for you.

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If you feel that time is short and you don't have much of it to waste, then please stop wasting that precious time on the wrong kind of men.

The first ex you describe sounds toxic. You were together for 2 years and he never introduced you and included you with his fam and friends? OP...that's a red flag the size of China. Do not date men who keep you a secret. Period. It's not that he knew his place, it's that people who do that are usually hiding a double life, cheating, affairs, etc. It's very convenient for him that you were passive enough not to question things too much. No doubt he does miss that as most women would smell a dead rat a few months in and walk away from him. This is not a man who knows his place, this is a man who kept you in your place and wool pulled over your eyes and you don't seem to recognize that even in hindsight.

You really need to question yourself and your fam on why you perceive blatantly shady behavior as good.

As for the current bf, if you don't like the dynamic, if you feel he is controlling, YOU, OP, not your fam or anyone else, just YOU, then dump him and be done. You don't need to convince anyone that he is this or that. The fact that you aren't happy with him and how he is, is reason enough to end things and seek out better.

Remember that for every day that you waste clinging on to bad relationships, the right man is passing you by. As others pointed out, no decent man will get involved with a woman who is already taken and help her cheat or monkey branch to a new relationship.

You seem terrified of being single and that will lead you into toxic relationships and toxic decisions that ironically take you further and further away from what you really want - a happy, healthy, safe, sane relationship.

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1 hour ago, headwinds987 said:

I could see he was not on the same page in terms of commitment and we're both older so I didn't want to lose time. He was very sweet and caring and reserved (like my late husband) but never introduced me to his family and friends after almost 2 years even though I introduced to everyone early one; he promised trips we never took; and in general, did not have a lot of time for me (he worked almost 6 days/week) and he wasn't willing to change.

Of course, he is glad you reached out again, but you need to remember this.. ^

Just because so and so said your bf now is NOT like your other one, means NOTHING!

No need to compare them.  But, are YOU okay with what you've got?  Does not sound like it..

Then how about you just back out.. with NO expectations with either of them? ( seems you have issues with both).

Do not consider running back to an ex. ( most often fails again- don;t think you can handle that.. right??).

 

Then be clear with yourself.. Can YOU handle being as you are- and in contact again with your ex- and just remain as 'friends' now?  If not, tread carefully....

Edited by SooSad33
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