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My best friend doesn’t want me to date her brother


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My best friend and I have been friends for over six years now (on and off - used to be really toxic) and I used to have a huge crush on her older brother when we first started hanging out. He would flirt but I was awkward and didn’t even notice half the time so nothing ever came of it. Until last weekend when we all were having drinks at my place. 

We went back to mine after going out to play some games and just mess around together. Her brother and I had been getting along really well all night. All of a sudden my friend decided she wanted to leave and was adamant despite both her brother and i trying to get her to stay, so we let her go. I’m gonna refer to her brother as ‘S’ and her as ‘K’ to make this a little easier. 

After a few hours of us just chatting and listening to music, S told me that he’s liked me for a while. We kissed and slept in the same bed but that’s all that happened. Still, I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long time. He was so gentle with me, we had a lot of fun together, and he made me feel really safe and cared for, but I knew that K would hate that this happened. 

I told her a couple days later when she outright asked me (I was going to tell her when we saw each other next anyways). She reacted exactly how I thought she would and in the middle of our conversation immediately messaged her boyfriend to let him know he was ‘right’, messaged S and told him to leave me alone, and told me not to message him or speak to him anymore. I told her that if that’s what she wanted then I wouldn’t because I value our friendship and prioritise her over S, but I’m starting to really question it. 

I feel a little bit hurt and almost manipulated by her. K confessed that she noticed her brother and I were really getting along and had a feeling that something was going to happen, and that’s why she wanted to leave. She then messaged her boyfriend saying she hoped that S and I would have “enough respect for her to not do anything”, to which her boyfriend said we would definitely do something, hence the “you were right” message she sent to him when she found out. What bothers me is that she knew we were into each other, didn’t want us to hook up, didn’t disclose that to either of us, then left us alone to test whether we would or not even though she thought we would, and then was furious when we did.

I’ve been messaging S behind her back for the last couple days because I can’t stop thinking about him and want a chance to explore my feelings, but I’m starting to feel really guilty and can’t even bring myself to talk to him normally. Its like I’m just on edge, I don’t know what to do. On one hand, I don’t want to ruin the friendship I have with my best friend, but on the other, I really like S and want to pursue at least the possibility of a relationship with him. I know I’m breaking her trust by doing this and I feel awful for it. 

I’ve heard plenty of people tell me that K has no jurisdiction over either of our relationships but have also had a few tell me that they understand where she’s coming from. I just don’t know where to stand. I love her with my entire heart but I’m starting to resent her for trying to control who I can and can’t date, especially because it’s becoming a pattern. I don’t want to lose her or hurt their relationship but I also want a chance to see where this can go. I just wanna know what other people think about this and how they would navigate the situation because I’m at a crazy loss here. 

tl;dr my best friend’s brother and I have feelings for each other but she doesn’t want us to pursue them. What should I do?

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14 minutes ago, chickncrippl said:

We went back to mine after going out to play some games and just mess around together. 

After a few hours of us just chatting and listening to music, S told me that he’s liked me for a while. We kissed and slept in the same bed but that’s all that happened. 

She reacted exactly how I thought she would and  told me not to message him or speak to him anymore.

You can date whoever you wish. This friend seems a bit toxic. Distance yourself from her.

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Why don't you speak with your friend one on one and clear the air? The problem is your friendship with your friend and she means a lot to you. You carry guilt and are torn. Face this head on and don't ignore it or avoid it because that pain inside you is coming from a potential loss of friendship. If you are resentful towards your friend you'll have to be honest with her. 

I would ask your friend what her concerns are. Hear her out. Don't pass judgment on her behaviours yet. This is more for you than for her even though it's for both of you and the friendship. 

After you hear what she has to say then make a decision and respond in kind to her concerns. If you both disagree at least you will both have a clearer understanding of what all this is about. 

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56 minutes ago, chickncrippl said:

I’m starting to resent her for trying to control who I can and can’t date, especially because it’s becoming a pattern. I don’t want to lose her or hurt their relationship but I also want a chance to see where this can go.

How is this becoming 'a pattern'?  She's tried to control you this way before? ...

As for her & her brother, she may be reacting for reasons - maybe a jealous-type reaction... or it may cause an unsettled response between THEM, should things flop with you and him... Awkward, for sure... in ways I can understand.

I gather you have known him a long time - but how well do you know him in this sense? ( Is he a player?  Has he been in any long-term relations?  Any bad habits- alcy?).

Remember also,  in the beginning is 'always so great!'... is when the novelty wears off, you see the real them.

Edited by SooSad33
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I second the notion you should have an in depth conversation with her to get feedback on her mindset. You might be assuming her reasons, so get the facts.

Consider all the ways this can play out, even if unlikely. Just like at work, if you date a co-worker and it ends badly, you have the upset and awkwardness of being regularly around an ex. This will be the case in your situation as well if you remain friends with his sister.

On the other hand, if you two got together long term or even leading to marriage, and it dooms your friendship with K, involving anger and estrangement, your family gatherings will be strained.

I don't know how old you all are. If say, he's 27 and the longest romantic relationship he's ever had has been very short-lived, expect the same pattern continuing with you. I'd look at his dating history and not just be caught up with his good looks and the attention he's giving to you.

After getting and considering your friends reasons, you might see things differently. You might make a pros and cons list for either path you could take.

If it were me, I've always felt a strong sisterhood with my friends and if she felt strongly about me not dating her brother, I wouldn't. There are numerous numbers of men I could date that wouldn't induce bad feelings and drama from a friend like this, even if her opinion differs from mine.

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I agree you should talk to K but not until you sit down with S and get his feelings on the matter.  Perhaps there is a compromise in here or not but you should see how he feels about all this too.

K is being controlling there is no doubt.  I didn't see why she didn't want you to date her brother.  Are you not good enough for him?  Is he a player?  Jerk?  Abusive?  It looks like K is only thinking of herself and not either of you.  Pretty selfish.

There has been a history or this friendship being toxic in the past.  It would help if you explained that to us.  Also how old are you? K? and S?

  Lost

 

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2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

 

I would ask your friend what her concerns are. Hear her out. Don't pass judgment on her behaviours yet. This is more for you than for her even though it's for both of you and the friendship. 

After you hear what she has to say then make a decision and respond in kind to her concerns. If you both disagree at least you will both have a clearer understanding of what all this is about. 

This ^^  She needs to give a clear explanation as to what exactly her concerns are.  She can't just arbitrarily control two peoples lives without the benefit a valid reason behind it.  

My guess is if she were to say it out loud (assuming she's afraid it would affect your friendship) she might realize how silly it sounds.   If it were to threaten your friendship it wasn't that strong to begin with.  Having said that, a good friend would want you to be happy.

You need to air this out.

She can't make a demand like this without an explanation.

Edited by reinventmyself
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3 hours ago, chickncrippl said:

My best friend and I have been friends for over six years now (on and off - used to be really toxic)

What's the backstory here?

I'm wondering how much of the past is now seeping into the present. 

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