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I don't fully know his intentions with me


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I don't really know where to begin, but I will try to summarize it. This boy and I have known each other for over a decade now, and there has always been a tension around our friends for us to date to which we tried, but it eventually led to us breaking up because we were too young and immature. For a couple of years afterwards, we are friends (I mean we still are), but I didn't want to be just a friend to him so I cut off any form of communication with him until I was ready to talk to him again, and that's when I started to learn more about myself and grow my maturity. 

Recently, he reached out a few days before his birthday and asked if we can hang out together cause he was in town, and of course I accepted to meet him as I didn't feel much of a connection anymore. But on the day that I met him (the day before his birthday), he looked like he's grown more mature and feels different as if I've never known him before. Throughout the day, there were some questionable actions that I don't know if I am overthinking. For example, he kept on insisting that he wanted to see my morning hair, to which I thought if we were dating I would show, or he paid for the bill to which I thought friends would normally dutch pay.

Also, he took me to an art gallery cause he thought I would like to go, and I did of course cause I personally think it's a perfect date place. At the exhibition, there were bean bags and I decided to lay down on one and he laid on the same one as I did when there were plenty of them. Afterwards we went to get a corndog and he tried to feed it to me, and asked if I wanted to braid his hair before his match tomorrow. Not going to lie, I did feel giddy and happy to meet him. A few days ago, we called and he said he wanted to take me out again when he is back in town. I truly don't know his intentions because I thought that we were friends.

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One thing that jumped out at me here was your reference to him being "back in town." Are you saying that he lives far away? If so, I'd maybe be asking a different question at this stage. Namely, do you want to pursue a romance with someone who doesn't live in the same place with you—who can only take you out when swinging through town—or would you prefer to date locally? Understanding your own desires and intentions, in short, may help you find clarity more than turning his into a riddle.  

As for his? Only way to know that answer is to continue to feel this out, and bring it up at the right moment. Doesn't have to be loaded, but just a little check-in to make sure you're on the same page. If he gets wishy-washy or shifty, you'll know he's just a flirty dude enjoying some low-grade, hair-braiding flutter, and is fine with that under the label of "friends." Then you get to decide if you're fine with that. And if he's more earnest—well, then you go from there. 

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Since we are of different cultures, can you explain the "morning hair?" From what little I gather, he was pressuring you to fast track to a an intimate place that doesn't yet exist if he's supposed to be your bf to see your hair revealed in a certain way. If so, that's a red flag. 

You do have to be aware that some people like to have a woman in another city because they don't have to put in the effort a local relationship would entail, and the woman can be less of a problem to cut loose, being distant, if a short term fling is the goal.

I'm not saying this is the case, but don't be naive to all possibilities. And just because you've known him as a friend for a decade and briefly as a bf, don't assume you know him more than you would anyone you would begin dating as an adult. People can drastically change from their late teen to their late twenties. There are people who I'd been friends with when we were teens that I want nothing to do with as an adult.

There are so many cons to LDRs, so in most cases, it's best to avoid them. It's expensive. You can't really know what goes on in your partner's daily life, to know if they are a good match, and it takes longer to see skeletons in the closet if there are any. And one of you has to leave your job, friends and family to start over in a new location. The dating isn't done at a normal pace, since you're forced to either spend a lot of time apart, and too much time together when visits happen--risky stuff that adds tension.

You don't seem very confident about him, and aren't even comfortable finding out from him why he's doing what he's doing. Is he really worth the higher risk of a LDR? If you have a group of friends, and you are young, I'm assuming there is an abundance of young men to meet in your local area. Why not try dating them?

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3 hours ago, lovesickgurl said:

there were some questionable actions that I don't know if I am overthinking. For example, he kept on insisting that he wanted to see my morning hair, to which I thought if we were dating I would show, or he paid for the bill to which I thought friends would normally dutch pay.

Also, he took me to an art gallery cause he thought I would like to go, and I did of course cause I personally think it's a perfect date place. At the exhibition, there were bean bags and I decided to lay down on one and he laid on the same one as I did when there were plenty of them. Afterwards we went to get a corndog and he tried to feed it to me, and asked if I wanted to braid his hair before his match tomorrow. Not going to lie, I did feel giddy and happy to meet him. A few days ago, we called and he said he wanted to take me out again when he is back in town. I truly don't know his intentions because I thought that we were friends.

Yeah, try not to over-think this stuff. As others asked.. location- is he far away?

He could just be his 'old self', flirty- not sure if his 'maturity' has improved? You'd see if you were around him more.

BUT, you can only know by talking to him- Are you just friends.. or is he wanting more?

Be cautious in this.... he just asked you to 'hang out'?  Maybe that is all he wanted.. ( because you two have a past, YOU may be looking at things in the wrong sense).. so get this dealt with soon - so you are not caught in limbo. (led on to nothing :/ ).

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You seem to still have very strong feelings for him or you wouldn't be here writing or doubtful of his intentions. I have the feeling that you want a committed relationship out of this and are questioning his actions. For those reasons I would agree with the previous comments to remain cautious but don't let it stand in the way of living your life as YOU wish to live it (independent of what he thinks, says, does or feels). 

There is both of you together and your dynamic involving what he thinks or feels.

Then there is you, the individual who should live freely and feel uninhibited and unbound by another's ideas, thoughts, feelings. You deserve that.

When we pick people to be around (whether it's friends or romantic relationships) try being around people who also reflect your thoughts, ideas and your spirit. It never means that you stop being yourself. Do remain cautious but pick the right people to be around. 

I hope this makes sense. See how it goes ..but within reason and do not agree to do anything you are not comfortable doing. 

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When I am saying "back in town", I'm saying that he lives in a different place to me, although it isn't that far around an hour. But, because of Covid, he can't visit due to lockdown implements. I wouldn't say I wouldn't want to date locally because I don't really know anyone where I am because I just recently moved here. The weirdest thing is that he is totally different in real life than he is on text, because in text he is quite cold and calls me 'bro' or 'mate', but in real life and on calls he's warm, treats me well and we have genuine conversations.

I wouldn't say I am keen on LDRs but I will always give it a try because either way I travel to go to university, so it may have to be a LDR, and the majority of my best friends are in a LDRs too. However, he and I come and live from the same country and go to university in the same country together. To be real, I have always had strong feelings for him, but for the time where I cut him off I forgot about him, until he reached out again, so my intentions are for us to date in the long run if possible, but for now, I'm just going to see it out. Personally, I don't date much because I always dove head first into my education, but my friends did try to introduce me to some guys and I never was interested.

About being aware about having a different woman in a different city, he said to me that he never contacted his friends when he was in town because he isn't close to his friends from his old school and uni, but it baffled me because I thought I was never close to him in the first place. So, I don't understand why he would choose to meet up with me after two years, when he has his friends. 

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2 hours ago, lovesickgurl said:

The weirdest thing is that he is totally different in real life than he is on text, because in text he is quite cold and calls me 'bro' or 'mate'

 

😄😂 I hope that's not how young guys court women nowadays. 

Of course his intentions are to pursue you. Have fun, go along with it and enjoy dating an attractive man. You will learn more about yourself and so will he. Maybe he will also realize calling a woman bro and mate does not win a woman's heart.

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3 hours ago, lovesickgurl said:

The weirdest thing is that he is totally different in real life than he is on text, because in text he is quite cold and calls me 'bro' or 'mate'

In my experience, generally calling someone 'bro' or 'mate' signals that both of you are just 'buddies'. In fact, I use this when speaking to men I'm not romantically interested in, so they know where they stand. So, IDK.

Anyhow, wanting to take you out again is a good sign. I hope it works out for you!

Edited by greendots
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