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Ex FWB situation... did either of us develop feelings?


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I wanted to dive into a time back in 2018 where I had a girl that I knew years ago had commented on an instagram story, and from there we started talking. The conversation ended up going in the direction of a hook up.

I was on the road for work, and prior to becoming FWB's, we ended up texting each other every other day, and getting to know each other. She had just got out of a really toxic 4 year relationship, and ended up single, and obviously on the rebound.

We hooked up for about 1.5 months, it was intense, straight to sex, little hanging out. I really liked it because it was just intense and straight to the point. Sometimes 2-3 times a week, and the sessions were LONG -- I'm talking like 1-2 hours, multiple rounds.

A few times during her texts to me, she'd randomly say "Don't get feelings, okay?"

And I recall one time after we had wrapped up she was like "We could never date..." -- because our interests were a bit different from each other.

She eventually started dating someone, and I was respectful for that, I just wish I had found out sooner rather than think it was something that I had done. I had borrowed a book from her and ended up returning it to her, and I had a feeling it was the last time I was going to see her. We hung out for a bit, and well... we hooked up one last time.

And that's when I found out she just started seeing someone, who she's now engaged to.

So as I was about to leave, I remember her hugging me, but it felt different, it was a tighter hug than usual and that's when it hit me, I was like "This is the last time I'm going to see you is it?" and I felt her nod her head on my chest. So I hugged her a bit harder, and then told her "Hey, don't let anyone let you believe you're not capable of feeling loved, because you totally are, don't forget that"

INSTANTLY she burst into tears and was trying to play it off like no big deal. So I kissed her one last time and walked out.

We kept in touch every so often, sometimes she'd snap me, or reply to an instagram story, or even text me but never went further than just catching up, or commenting on a story. My job is a wedding photographer, and she was at a wedding I shot last summer, we kept our distance and I didn't venture over to say hello, neither did she. She did text me afterwards that it was good to see me.

I saw her a few months later at a concert, she casually bumps into my mom, whom I'm with, and says excuse me, but then later on goes "Did I see you at the show or was that your doppleganger?" I said it was me and she's like "Your hair was looking good, keep it up"

Post election apparently we had a spat that we didn't vote for the same person, and she went on a massive blockade of social media, I'm blocked -- which I understand it her choice and all, but I kind of see now that it's something she had to do because she probably still sees me as a temptation, even though she's engaged. I never pursued her, I left her alone, never tried to steal her back -- but I often wonder now if it's because she has to tell herself to do this, for her best interest, but also her partner.

We had talked previously about how our (short) time together was something that benefited both of us too. I think it's one of those rare examples where you do end up having a connection with someone, but doesn't necessarily have an exit strategy or at best an uncertain path.

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I think she was fond of you, yes, but didn't see herself in a romantic relationship with you. 

I gather that's' still how she feels now. (prior to blocking you) 

She seems to have enjoyed your attention and flattery, and was obviously physically attracted to you, but for some reason she didn't envision you as her boyfriend. And yes, her blocking you may have also been a way to cut off old flings or temptations. But the truth is that if she'd had deeper feelings for you, she wouldn't have stopped seeing you to date someone else. 

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I just replied a few minutes ago to a guy that regretted it when his fwb met someone else for a relationship.  

Wiseman hit the nail on the head.

As far as her blocking you I would guess that the spat was just the excuse she had been looking for to finally put that episode in her life in the rear view mirror permanently.   Think about it.  She is still in contact with some guy she used to meet for only sex, how would that play out with her fiancé?  If you were in her shoes and engaged to a wonderful women do you think it wise to stay in touch with an old FB?

 Enjoy your walk down memory lane and smile.  Stay respectful and wish her the best in her new life.

Lost

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She doesn't sound like the type who would be tempted to me. She operates as a mentally healthy woman, who knows it's not respectful to her partner to stay connected, even if it's minimal like on social media, to someone she had sex with. She probably also thought that your connection worked for her for a time, but it had run its course. You're trying to read into it like she was more invested than she actually was. Her behavior and words at every point suggest she just wasn't that into you. 

Your FWB never involved being in a serious relationship, so lacked all the ups, down, and plateaus an exclusive relationship entails. An exclusive relationship goes a lot deeper though, and grows. Whereas a FWB is shallow and meant to be temporary.

Of course you look back with nothing but happy memories, because it's like the fun of a ferris wheel. Meant to be fun for a short time, but you're not meant to stay on it for a lifetime. 

When you become exclusive with someone and form a deep connection, you will see the difference between that and a past FWB thing are eons apart in quality. 

 

Edited by Andrina
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Your question in the header is about feelings. Only you can answer that about yourself. I think you seem to be grappling more with 'the one that got away' regret and what ifs rather than deeper emotional feelings for someone. She moved on and found a meaningful relationship without you which means that you lost that fwb option that you had been accustomed to. There was a give and take and you don't have her company anymore so I think anyone would feel a bit put out even if there were no deeper emotions involved. 

In the year before I met my ex I met someone also and we had a similar situation but he was a lot more open about his emotions than I was and it became very clear that he was needing more emotional space and growth, making sense of life and its ongoings. The sex was very good. I ended up marrying my ex and reconnecting with this friend recently. I don't know why it worked like this and we never kept in touch. I deleted his number and blocked him while I was married. Who wants to have to explain that in a marriage? It would have hurt my partner deeply and that's not something I could have lived with. I wouldn't have liked it done to me and I wasn't going to put anyone through that either.

You should move on too. Take this as a learning experience and don't internalize it so much. Her moving on is not a reflection of you as a man and what you are capable of offering in a relationship. You are not a reject in the reject pile or someone unloveable. You were just not right for each other. You might meet someone later on who has more to offer you than something like this and you will also experience what it's like to want to let go of relationships that have expired or aren't appropriate. 

I hope you feel better soon. This will pass. Emotions can linger and fondness for someone can linger but you can also learn to find spaces in your heart for that and put it away. Find things to look forward to and new people to meet and learn from.

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