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This will be long so please bare with me. Also, thanks to who ever fully reads this and replies. 
 

I have been with this girl on and off a bit since 2018. She has two kids that I love dearly which makes this extra hard. Here the past few months, I haven’t really felt happy with our relationship. She is bipolar and has some emotional issues that can sometimes get in the way of our activities, but I always tried to look past that and work with her because I do love her. 
 

Well, September of 2019, I was at a charity event for my brother who was in a motorcycle accident. She attended with me and when she drinks, her emotions can get the best of her and her extreme anxiety can come out full blast. That day, I had to drop her off at her sisters so I can go to the hospital to see my brother because at the time, he didn’t want her around while he was there. She got so bad mentally because she didn’t want to leave my side and not be near anyone else, that her mom had to take her to the hospital. I broke it off with her the next day explaining to her that I didn’t want her to make her whole life about me when she has two little girls that she needs to focus on more. I felt like I was taking away from them. Anyways, a few days later we met to talk in person about a few things and decided that we could still see each other, but we weren’t going to “be together”. We did that for a few months before being back as official. Well during that time, I didn’t know if we were going to get back together or if we were going to eventually fade away in our relationship. I met a girl during this, who I worked with. We spoke over text but we’re professional in person. We were sexual over text at one point. (This will get brought up later) 

 

So later down the road, we would have regular arguments, nothing too bad, but her anxiety over me leaving her in our first break up always got brought up and how I’m the one who damaged her and now she has a fear of me leaving. This has taken a toll on me as the months have gone on. Well one day it got so bad that she just made me feel like I was making her worse and I was hurting her emotionally to a point that it has changed her. She didn’t tell me this, this is what I felt about how she acted when we argued. Again, I tried to work with her and every time we would get into a simple argument, she would just stop talking and would make it seem like if she said what she felt that she would get punished some how (like me breaking up with her). I felt, and still feel, horrible for this. Now, every time we get into an argument, I feel like I’m scarring her personality and making her worse. That in return hurts me because I have never wanted to hurt her and I have never wanted to be a person like that. 
 

As we got farther into our relationship, it just got worse. Well, one day she just randomly started having thoughts as if I was cheating. I’m not a cheater. I have done it before, not with her, and I felt horrible and never did it again. Well, while she was having these thoughts, she decided to go through my phone. She new my password, I wasn’t hiding anything from her. She found the messages from the girl I met at my job. I no longer work there and haven’t spoken to her since. Me and my girlfriend got back together “officially” after I left that job. When she found these, she went even deeper into a hole. I told her the truth about it. This then sparked me to speak about my feelings and how I have been unhappy these past several months making everything worse. I didn’t do this till the next day though. I then explained about how unhappy I was and that I felt like I was just damaging her and leaving nothing for her kids. We had a very long and emotional day that day. At the end of the day, we decided to try and work things out and give it a try. 
 

So she had to go through my phone to make her feel better that I wasn’t hiding anything. I proved her wrong. I didn’t like doing that because I felt like that just persuaded more trust issues. That was last week. Well this past weekend, I had a busy Saturday, which she knew and was warned about. (She doesn’t like crowds or being around people she doesn’t know) I wanted to watch the last football game of the year with my brother and then I wanted to go to a poker event at a buddy’s house. She said she wanted to go with me. The football game was ok, but we brought her two little girls with us and I watched them for her as she ran down the street for 3/4 of the game. No big deal, but she had an bipolar/anxiety attack about me once she got back and it didn’t help that she was drinking. After we dropped her kids off at their dads house, we went to the poker game. She then had another episode and it was way worse. We argued about what we were going to do. I then told her that I would just leave but she insisted on me staying. I then told her that she could stay, but she didn’t want to. She told me she was leaving and said bye. She seemed relieved but sad she was leaving but still wanted me to stay. Well, by the time I took a break, 2hrs in, I went to my car to find out she had been sitting in my car the whole time when I thought she had left. I felt like a horrible person because I couldn’t leave at that point because I had to take my drunk brother and his friend home after they made arrangements. She wouldn’t go inside, but she didn’t want to leave. This just made me angry at myself making me even more unhappy. At the end of the night, she was so upset but wouldn’t let me help at all. I tried to help all day but she wouldn’t let me. 
 

I truly do love this girl, but sometimes I think if we were to break up how it would feel, and I feel better sort of. Then I imagine staying and trying to work things out, but I always come across the feeling of guilt because I feel like I’m making things worse. I truly don’t want to hurt her, but I also want her girls to have a mother and not be all about me. I love those girls and it hurts me saying this but I feel like I should break it off. I’m looking for advice here. 
 

That being said, because of her mental disabilities, I know breaking up with her is going to be very very hard. Before I make any decisions, I wanted to hear someone’s opinion. Regardless if it is about staying with her or breaking up with her. 
 

I appreciate everyone’s input, but please do not comment if all your going to say is hurtful comments. Thank you. 

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What treatment is she currently receiving for her bipolar? Does her psychiatrist or medical doctor approve of her drinking alcohol while on bipolar medication? 

Why so much drinking? Drinking is a depressant. It certainly does not help someone who suffers from a mental illness.

This relationship is toxic. I can't see how remaining is helpful to her. Unfortunately it's making things worse.

Have you always had a "rescue" complex? Why deliberately choose a woman who has so many issues?

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This is so unhealthy.   You are not doing her any favors by staying together, and are making it worse.   

You sound co dependent.  Do you usually choose women that have issues?   

Are the kids safe?

You need to end this, and do not stay in contact.  Make a clean cut.  If she threatens suicide, then reach out to the family or proper authorities.   

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Sorry to say but this situation is like quicksand, the more you stay the more you'll get stuck. Unfortunately, she needs a sobriety program and mental health care, not a relationship. 

You need to exit this roller coaster. You can't fix or rescue her. Let her friends, family and professionals handle this. The longer you stay, the worse for both of you.

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Sorry about all this. 

As others have mentioned—and, I suspect, as both of you know in your heart of hearts—this sounds like a pretty deeply unhealthy dynamic, for both of you. 

My impression is that your primary motivations for staying in this are (a) to somehow prove to her that you are "good," rather than "damaging" and (b) out of fear that, without you and this relationship, she will mentally combust or capsize. Not good when guilt, shame, and fear are the most potent feelings being stirred inside a relationship, since they'll just continue to be compounded. 

It's hard not to feel for her, just reading what you've written. Sounds like there's a lot of turbulence there that she needs to wrestle with, for her own well-being and, by extension, for her children's. What time has shown is being in this relationship has not proven to be something that helps her on that path, but just the opposite. Some version of that holds for you as well, no? 

Ending this will be hard, no doubt, but I think staying in it will be even harder, for both of you. 

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So, she's a bad mother, she's out of control when she drinks but she imbibes anyway, and others in your life, like your brother, can't tolerate her presence versus seeing her as a support system.

Nobody else has your back. That's your job. Have some standards besides a woman being pretty, sexy, and fun. There are so many dealbreakers here that my fingers would be too tired to type. I'd suggest making a must-have list and a dealbreaker list in preparation for when you're ready to date again. Stick to it like your life depends on it, because it actually does.

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6 hours ago, Boringromantic202 said:

Now, every time we get into an argument, I feel like I’m scarring her personality and making her worse. That in return hurts me because I have never wanted to hurt her and I have never wanted to be a person like that. 

I think this statement could be true.  Her pathology is not going to change though, unless she gets medicated/help.  Alcohol is her way of self-medicating, but alcohol actually seems to make bi-polar people worse. Much worse!

The only way you can, "stop," hurting her (and hurting yourself) is to completely break it off for good.  That will, "hurt," her, but it will be a final thing, not a cyclical thing like it is right now.

VERY sad and yes, it will be hard, but I don't see any other way.

You could tell her (maybe?) that if she gets medicated and gets psychological help and is better, then you could give it a chance again, but that's only if you're up for that.

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Welcome to ENA,

  It is apparent to me that she should not be dating anyone right now and certainly not until she gets her condition under control.  She obviously is not taking her mental condition into consideration when she is out in situations that could trigger her.  I really don't see her taking any responsibility for the relationship and is in fact putting it all on you or allowing you to take it all on yourself. 

  You may love her and she may be super attractive but she is in no condition to be in a relationship and you need to see that you cannot save her or be her therapist. 

   Time to talk to her support system and let them know you have to break this off.  Then say your planned good bye and go total NC.

  Thinking if you stick around you can save her and it will all be better one day soon is just a fantasy in your head.  She needs to help herself so she can be a good mom and perhaps one day a good gf or wife.  She just is not capable of that right now.

  I am sorry but you know you need to end this and if you are looking for consensus from others to make you feel better you have my vote.

  Lost    

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12 hours ago, Boringromantic202 said:

 Well this past weekend, I had a busy Saturday, which she knew and was warned about. (She doesn’t like crowds or being around people she doesn’t know) I wanted to watch the last football game of the year with my brother and then I wanted to go to a poker event at a buddy’s house. She said she wanted to go with me. The football game was ok, but we brought her two little girls with us and I watched them for her as she ran down the street for 3/4 of the game. No big deal, but she had an bipolar/anxiety attack about me once she got back and it didn’t help that she was drinking. After we dropped her kids off at their dads house, we went to the poker game. She then had another episode

- Sadly, she had to go along.. (and with her kids?)  😞 ...  A man (or woman) needs their down time, alone sometimes, with their friends.  For her to be this way, of course can cause issue's.  You should NOT have to bring her along to everything you do (with your buddies).

- Again with her drinking...

13 hours ago, Boringromantic202 said:

 

 

Wow!  😞  . Way too much instability... ohh.. where shall I start?

The responses above are all correct.  Made good points.. this is one hot mess (not good for either of you).

- On & off since 2018 - Should have left it at OFF.  Once you have a BU, then go back, you back to the same problems - Did anything change.. any improvements made?  ( Probably not).

~> "our first break up always got brought up and how I’m the one who damaged her and now she has a fear of me leaving. This has taken a toll on me as the months have gone on. Well one day it got so bad that she just made me feel like I was making her worse and I was hurting her emotionally to a point that it has changed her. She didn’t tell me this, this is what I felt about how she acted when we argued. Again, I tried to work with her and every time we would get into a simple argument, she would just stop talking and would make it seem like if she said what she felt that she would get punished some how (like me breaking up with her). I felt, and still feel, horrible".

 

- YOU have not felt 'happy' with the relationship for a while.. ( so, possibly due to some 'guilt' you remain?).

- SHE has bipolar.. oh boy :(.  Yes, unless one is medicated, keeps on top of that and AVOIDS negative interactions, such as alcohol, expect a LOT of instability!

 she has two little girls that she needs to focus on more

- Very much so, but sadly, one cannot when one is so unstable themselves 😞 .. and this is on HER.  She NEEDS to work harder on keeping up her own stability here.. but is losing herself with her behaviour.

- With her being so unstable that she had to be taken to hospital, that says a lot 😞 .  You broke it off.. again?

This is where it should have stayed.

a few days later we met to talk in person about a few things and decided that we could still see each other, but we weren’t going to “be together”. We did that for a few months before being back as official.-

If you do this- remain in contact, often the urge is there to 'go back'.. try again.. give in, etc. So, to continue this interaction 'see each other', but not be together.. nah, doesn't work. ( total distance & NC is necessary).

 

So she had to go through my phone to make her feel better that I wasn’t hiding anything

- No, one does not 'have to' go thru anyone's phone.  IF trust is an issue, there's a problem!  I never went

thru anyone's phone.  It was out of respect.  Like I would not want them to go thru mine.

( But, I know... you did this to 'try & prove yourself'.. still.. not a good idea.).

 

sometimes I think if we were to break up how it would feel, and I feel better sort of. Then I imagine staying and trying to work things out, but I always come across the feeling of guilt because I feel like I’m making things worse.

- IMO, things cannot get any worse than they are.  This relationship has no future, only problems with unhappy people - and YOU cannot 'fix'.

Things need to END.  Everything.  No more leading her on.  No more 'guilt' feelings.

YOU have tried.. and tried again.  You need to see this goes nowhere and is so unhealthy, it is bringing you down 😞 .

What you BOTH need to do is just stop it.  All of it!

She needs to get herself some help- for a good while & get her health dealt with (mental health).  And should remain single unless or until this is dealt with.

You need to get away from all of this and work on your own self.  (remain single a while as well), to work thru all of this and get yourself 'back to good').  Pls do not run out & use someone to try & get over this.. does not work (and rebounds are not nice).

You asked for advice, you've gotten a lot.. Now, Please get out of this. Focus on YOU now.

She needs to do the same..  And without YOU in her way.

 

Do not feel guilty .  It's been a learning experience- which has not been nice.

You will do okay.  You will recover- once you get out of this mess - totally!

Move on.  Get better again.

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I know you said don't say hurtful things but I am gonna have to just say this in the nicest way possible.

Why do you feel bad for her being a sh8tty mom?

People like her, and like my husband (yes married to a bipolar man), need medication to stabilize their chemical imbalances. Even with medication and extra stuff assigned to them to do (therapy, exercise) they can still have an episode. Medication is to minimize those episodes. And just because you have a personality disorder, does not absolved you from being a loving and responsible parent. 

If you care about her kids, direct her to the professional help she needs and call CPS if you must. There are great parents out there who want to adopt and can provide a stable and loving family.

 

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