Jump to content

Why do me and my boyfriend keep talking about ex's?


Recommended Posts

Hello, Its been a year and 2 months since i have been with my boyfriend and we are living together. I don't understand why every day we some how end up discussing ex's or past things we have been through I'm getting tired of it ! Everytime we say right no more talking about any previous relationships we manage to keep going back to the same habit. We also bring up past things all the time on a normal day to day life or in arguments. Any one have any suggestions of how this can stop ?

Link to post
Share on other sites

The discussions are usually about what it was like in our past relationships or things they did and its not even like its the most recent ex's its usually all of our ex's we have both had 2 previous relationships. When we argue we bring up things that we have been told about previous relationships or things that happened at the beginning of our relationship because we didn't start off on a good start   

Link to post
Share on other sites
54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What are the discussions/arguments generally about?

Stay in the moment and on topic. Dredging up the past is unfortunately common but it serves no purpose.

The discussions are usually about what it was like in our past relationships or things they did and its not even like its the most recent ex's its usually all of our ex's we have both had 2 previous relationships. When we argue we bring up things that we have been told about previous relationships or things that happened at the beginning of our relationship because we didn't start off on a good start   

Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you both comparing each other to your exes? 

I can't fathom how exes factor into daily conversation, unless you're both currently very unhappy with each other and miss your exes a lot. Talking about them all the time is the clue that you're still emotionally attached to them in some way. 

It's not good. And it shouldn't be that hard of a habit to break, either. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well all you can do is curb your end of the participation and redirect any of his

Arguments that involve "my ex never..." Or "you're acting like my ex" basically fall into the catagory of character assassinations.

This is when the topic at hand disappears and nasty bickering ensues.

What this means is there are basic incompatibilities and greivences that are danced around rather than addressed.

It may be time to stop and reflect how happy you really are and what's really bothering you.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Are you both comparing each other to your exes? 

I can't fathom how exes factor into daily conversation, unless you're both currently very unhappy with each other and miss your exes a lot. Talking about them all the time is the clue that you're still emotionally attached to them in some way. 

It's not good. And it shouldn't be that hard of a habit to break, either. 

I guess we do in some ways yes. 

See i don't think we miss our ex's i think its just not being able to move from the past. 

Yeah your right it shouldn't be tbh i'm just getting tired of it  

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well all you can do is curb your end of the participation and redirect any of his

Arguments that involve "my ex never..." Or "you're acting like my ex" basically fall into the catagory of character assassinations.

This is when the topic at hand disappears and nasty bickering ensues.

What this means is there are basic incompatibilities and greivences that are danced around rather than addressed.

It may be time to stop and reflect how happy you really are and what's really bothering you.

So i have tried the whole day not saying anything about previous  then he mentions it i say i don't want to talk about previous but it just carriers on some how. 

 

Yeah i do think we do that and i do believe its when nasty bickering happens. How would you address incompatibilities and greivences ? 

Some times i'm really happy with how the relationship is going then i get waves of not wanting to be with him. I have broken up with quite a few times asked for breaks where he stays at his parents but i still end up feeling like i don't want to be around him its like a rollercoaster.

I tell him my boundaries and how i feel then i get I'm sorry won't happen again and his behaviour continues in a different way. I feel like he brings out the worse in me and I'm always feel like maybe i am waisting my time i just dont know what i want 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

On again, off again relationships are a good sign you're not right for each other. Bailing instead of staying to fix problems mean you don't care enough.

Arguments should be constructive. What do each of you want? Is the want reasonable? Is it expressed in a kind way? It's trying to come to a consensus. 

Once an argument is settled, it should never be dredged up as weaponry in the future. Things shouldn't be brought up to to cause hurt and anger.

If you two can't stick to your own rules, then you're both lacking in willpower and maturity. As you can see, this style is killing any love you have for him.

 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Two months is extremely fast to move in with someone. 

Talking about exes isn't always necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, it can be helpful to talk thru WHY that relationship failed or identify triggers for you or ways in which you have grown with your partner. 

However, it is important to know WHY.  Are you doing it to be constructive or are you crying on each other's shoulders?  Are you trying to set up your relationship for success by sharing what went wrong?  Or do you not really have anything else in common besides negativity about your exes?

In all honesty, I think most partners talk about their exes to a degree.  I think it's important to both know and understand your partner's past.  But there's a difference between that and it being a crutch or a way to not move forward.  Perhaps you moved in together hastily.  Maybe you should put the brakes on this relationship, find your own place and really talk about if this is a case of neither of you actually being ready to pursue this relationship fairly. 

 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
53 minutes ago, Andrina said:

On again, off again relationships are a good sign you're not right for each other. Bailing instead of staying to fix problems mean you don't care enough.

Arguments should be constructive. What do each of you want? Is the want reasonable? Is it expressed in a kind way? It's trying to come to a consensus. 

Once an argument is settled, it should never be dredged up as weaponry in the future. Things shouldn't be brought up to to cause hurt and anger.

If you two can't stick to your own rules, then you're both lacking in willpower and maturity. As you can see, this style is killing any love you have for him.

 

I have to admit i am the one who keeps bailing but that's because when i say i am upset he fights it instead of listening i don't want him to agree or understand everything i say but at least listen. If its not listening i find he is jealous when I'm around other men he say he doesn't feel like he exists on social occasions but it then annoys me beacuse  behind closed doors i have to ask for affection or give it to him but that is because i am a private person where he wants us to be  " close " in social events but i don't even know how to do this ? 

I will try use them questions next time it happens to help me with getting to some sort of a solution. 

I agree we do need need willpower and most definitely need to mature more. I feel like i am slowly losing patience with it all. I want a peaceful relationship. 

 

  

Link to post
Share on other sites

by bringing them up, it could possibly be a way you two are intentionally preventing the relationship from getting closer.

People who have grievances or incompatibilities often (sometimes subconsciously) throw out road blocks in an effort to sidetrack the relationship and keep it at a distance.  You mention you two also use this information shared as weapons against each other.

I'd really reevaluate whether this relationship is worthwhile.     Because if it was you'd be able to stop these toxic behaviours. They fact that you say you *can't isn't true.  You *won't stop is a better word.

If you wanted to stop you would. Something about this dynamic works for you both or you wouldn't be doing it.  This is the symptom of something bigger.  Dig a little deeper and find out what the problem really is

Edited by reinventmyself
Link to post
Share on other sites

So you can't enjoy time at home because he's not affectionate. And then at parties, he wants to show other men he claims ownership of you by PDA behavior. That's all about his, I'm assuming, unjustified jealousy, and nothing resembling a loving gesture.

I'd learn from this what you don't want in a relationship, so that you can have better luck vetting the next guy. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Pink20 said:

I have to admit i am the one who keeps bailing but that's because when i say i am upset he fights it instead of listening i don't want him to agree or understand everything i say but at least listen. If its not listening i find he is jealous when I'm around other men he say he doesn't feel like he exists on social occasions but it then annoys me beacuse  behind closed doors i have to ask for affection or give it to him but that is because i am a private person where he wants us to be  " close " in social events but i don't even know how to do this ? 

Ahh, yeah, some issue's for sure - as you admitted, lack of maturity?  And seems like a problem with 'ability to communicate properly'?

He NEEDS to back off and yes, 'listen'!  Inability to communicate for sure, issue's. 😞 

- Him being jealous, if causing problems is another, no good. ( Is fine to extent- is a reacting- but not overblown).

Oh boy.. you two need to learn to work all of this out.. to TRY and change/improve a bit, of it will just flop.

One can only take so much... He is 'pushing you'.

As for your past, that is no way to go.  No way to approach your problems. ( Is it more HIM who does this?)

Again, not a proper way to communicate / deal with 'your issue's'. ( is like throwing your past in your face, correct?  Not right).

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Pink20 said:

Yeah i do think we do that and i do believe its when nasty bickering happens. How would you address incompatibilities and greivences ? 

Some times i'm really happy with how the relationship is going then i get waves of not wanting to be with him. I have broken up with quite a few times asked for breaks

Ok, given this new info, you may have to reconsider things. It does sound like you're unhappy but are trying to make it work. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

So I also think part of it is not having enough going on in your present lives -interesting things to talk about - what do you enjoy talking about?  My husband and I talk about current events, what we're reading, tv shows -old ones we loved!, movies, our friends (not really gossipy - stuff/activities they're doing), our work, etc.  But since I was a full time mom for 7 years I put in an extra effort to have non-baby things to talk about.  I stayed as well read as I could including with current events, took an interest in his work as I'd always done (less so to be honest -I was so busy with our son and so tired!), etc.  Have you two traveled together? Gone to interesting places together?  Do you go to the theater, museums, art galleries, musical performances?

When my husband I went to a required premarital meeting with our marriage officiant he (he knew both of us already) he said "look I know you two love each other so I don't need to ask - what I need to know -do you like each other? Do you like hanging out with each other -what do you like to do together?" We smiled and told him we liked watching Seinfeld together.  He was delighted with the response.

That's the thing - if you are happy with the person, have things in common, the ex might come up once in awhile more like a slip -like if something happens in the city your ex grew up in you might say "wow I've been there -that's where Ex grew up" - but referring to an ex as a comparison to who you're with -especially during an argument -I don't know -that doesn't sound like fighting fair.  

As far as the PDA in social situations simply tell him you don't like being on display in that way.  

Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, why on earth did you move in together?
Both of you seem to want this kind of "therapy" of talking about your exes and it is an odd dynamic.

I met an amazing man and we both had prior relationships. Do you know how often we talk about our exes? We don't. There is no rule against it, but we don't feel any need to.  We moved on, healed,etc. , and were ready to be in a relationship when we met

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...