How do I stop blaming myself?

[JoHarvelle]

I know he made a lot of mistakes and some of them were over the line but I've had my fair share of mistakes too. I overreacted, acted insecure and in a way I had never acted before. I can't draw the line and tell whether I was too demanding and insecure all on my own or whether he was not putting enough effort into the relationship which led to my insecurity and sometimes the wrong things that I had done just flash before my eyes. He blamed me for pretty much everything after he broke up with me and now that he's married I keep thinking maybe I was the problem and that he was right.

Do you ever feel this way? How do you deal with it?

[Cherylyn]

Hindsight is always 20/20.  Yes, I've blamed myself and felt guilty for relationships or friendships which went awry.  I'm not the same person I was many years ago. 

Bad experiences teach you how to change your behavior and you'll also become a better judge of character.  You'll learn to become more picky and choosy.  Those are your key takeaways from negative experiences. 

The bad news is that you can't take anything back nor can't take back what you've said.  Know apologies won't always fix things and many times, there's lost trust for both parties.  The relationship died and there's lost desire to be with that person after a falling out. 

The good news is that you'll learn a lot after having your quiet time of thinking long and hard.  For your future, you learn what to say, what not to say, what to do and what not to do.  You learn self control, yielding, compromise, reason, fairness, patience and understanding. 

Don't be too hard on yourself though.  You deal with it by knowing that it takes two to tango and very unselfish people in order to make a relationship work.  Both people have to be compatible, goal oriented daily, possess maturity, tremendous emotional intelligence, conscientious and remain steadfastly in lockstep.  Both personalities and characters need to mesh and be on the same page otherwise it won't work. 

Remember, anytime you have to work so hard on a relationship, it isn't working. 

Google "emotional intelligence."  If your ex didn't possess emotional intelligence, then you're better off without him and no regrets.  Breaking up is often times a blessing in disguise. 

Also, you know what his wife has to deal with being married to him, his personality and character.  It is not always smooth sailing nor a bed of roses as you think.  Better her than you.  He's not the easiest person to get along with as you can attest.  She has to deal with him warts and all day in, day out.  In your mind, say, "Good riddance!" 

[Hollyj]

I read your first thread.  Your ex was  a sadist.  He treated you horribly. I suggest you reread your first thread.  

 I feel sorry for his wife.

Have you sought counseling for your self esteem issues?  You need to move on with your life.   

[Hollyj]

How long ago did you break up with this guy?

[JoHarvelle]

17 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I read your first thread.  Your ex is a sadist.  He treated you horribly. I suggest you reread your first thread.  

 I feel sorry for his wife.

Have you sought counseling for your self esteem issues?  You need to move on with your life.   

The thing is I doubt my own narrative. Sometimes I doubt whether I focus on his flaws and try to represent myself as blameless but I have made mistakes too. I have overreacted at times and have started fights. I am seeking counselling. I have made a lot of progress in my work life. I have a lot of good friends. This part, I have no idea why I can't get over.

[JoHarvelle]

3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

How long ago did you break up with this guy?

He broke up with me over a year ago but we were in contact for a long time after it and we even got back together for a short time a few months after the initial break up. 6 months before he got married he asked me to come over to his place but I didn't. 

[Hollyj]

I think you reacted as others would have reacted.  Arriving late to pick you up, or failing to pick you up, I would have been very upset.  I saw many other things that were completely unacceptable, and you tolerated what too much.

OP, this boils down to your self esteem issues.  I wonder what your friends and family think of this guy?   You do realize that he was abusive and had a lot of mental health issues.  You need to understand why you are blaming his mistreatment on yourself.

[boltnrun]

You've been broken up for over a year and a half, correct?

Why do you think you're idealizing this guy and this relationship?

Just because he's now married and you're not doesn't mean he was right.

Remember this man forcibly had sex with you and told you that you were "not as hot" as other women he'd slept with.  Yeah, not a quality man.

[Hollyj]

You are choosing to torture yourself over someone who was abusive.  This guy was a real POS!

[JoHarvelle]

5 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I think you reacted as others would have reacted.  Arriving late to pick you up, or failing to pick you up, I would have been very upset.  I saw many other things that were completely unacceptable, and you tolerated what too much.

OP, this boils down to your self esteem issues.  I wonder what your friends and family think of this guy?   You do realize that he was abusive and had a lot of mental health issues.  You need to understand why you are blaming his mistreatment on yourself.

The thing is for example I would get upset if he was more than 5 minutes late. I mean I had told him that I would be okay with him being late even for an hour if only he called me to let me know that he was going to run late and I thanked him when he did so but he would sometimes forget. Or we would only spend once or twice a week together so I expected him to tell the people who called him on the phone to call him later unless it wasn't an emergency and that's also what I did. We had many fights over these few minutes of being late or speaking on the phone because I felt like he didn't care about my request and he said it was just a few minutes and it that it sometimes happened and now I feel like I may have been impatient. 

[JoHarvelle]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You've been broken up for over a year and a half, correct?

Why do you think you're idealizing this guy and this relationship?

Just because he's now married and you're not doesn't mean he was right.

Remember this man forcibly had sex with you and told you that you were "not as hot" as other women he'd slept with.  Yeah, not a quality man.

You are right. This boils down to me and my issues with self-attack not him anymore I guess. I've gotten better and these thoughts occur to me less often but they still do and I don't know if I should be doing something to stop them. 

[Hollyj]

7 hours ago, JoHarvelle said:

The thing is for example I would get upset if he was more than 5 minutes late. I mean I had told him that I would be okay with him being late even for an hour if only he called me to let me know that he was going to run late and I thanked him when he did so but he would sometimes forget. Or we would only spend once or twice a week together so I expected him to tell the people who called him on the phone to call him later unless it wasn't an emergency and that's also what I did. We had many fights over these few minutes of being late or speaking on the phone because I felt like he didn't care about my request and he said it was just a few minutes and it that it sometimes happened and now I feel like I may have been impatient. 

You are picking at things so that you can try to blame yourself.  Stop!  This guy had a lot of issues and treated you terribly. It is over a year and he is married.  Time to let it go! 

[Hollyj]

What did your friends and family think of him?

[Andrina]

The thing is for example I would get upset if he was more than 5 minutes late. I mean I had told him that I would be okay with him being late even for an hour if only he called me to let me know that he was going to run late and I thanked him when he did so but he would sometimes forget. Or we would only spend once or twice a week together so I expected him to tell the people who called him on the phone to call him later unless it wasn't an emergency and that's also what I did. We had many fights over these few minutes of being late or speaking on the phone because I felt like he didn't care about my request and he said it was just a few minutes and it that it sometimes happened and now I feel like I may have been impatient. 

Those were reasonable requests, and ones I would've brought up. People aren't mind readers, and might have their own views that are different. But if a request is reasonable and the person ignores the request or argues its point, they don't care. And if you ignore your own needs and don't bring them up, you're a doormat.

How did I get over men? Deleted photos, texts, e-mails, blocked their number, stopped talking about them to myself and friends, got busy with hobbies/interests and spent time with friends. You can't open the front door to new possibilities when you have one foot squarely stuck in the back door.

[catfeeder]

We each choose the lens we want to use on our past, and nobody else can do this FOR us.

I tend to select the lens that's most beneficial to my growth. I don't mean glossing over, but rather a view that will build my confidence in my ability to learn and my ability to make better choices as I move forward.

The opposite would be to damage myself, assign 'blame' and stagnate as I keep drilling a deeper hole to climb out of. This would not serve me--or anyone else. It would become a barrier to my generosity and ability to serve others going forward.

So I'd ask myself, WHY should I view past relationships as failures rather than learning devices? What's in that for me--or anyone else? Why is it necessary to assign blame, just because someone else refuses any responsibility?

This doesn't mean I won't examine regrets, it just means that I'll use those to decide what I will do differently with others in my life.

I'd make it a private goal to adopt pride in my resilience and ability to bounce back from a hurtful experience. I'd consider 'blame' to be a wasteful use of my focus when I can focus, instead, on learning who I want to become. Focus THERE, and you will thank yourself later.

[boltnrun]

What exactly does blaming yourself accomplish? Does it bring him back to you and make the relationship a happy one? Does it change anything?

Why do you want to punish yourself? 

[Hollyj]

43 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What exactly does blaming yourself accomplish? Does it bring him back to you and make the relationship a happy one? Does it change anything?

Why do you want to punish yourself? 

Good questions!   What do you get out of punishing yourself?

[bluecastle]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I tend to select the lens that's most beneficial to my growth. I don't mean glossing over, but rather a view that will build my confidence in my ability to learn and my ability to make better choices as I move forward.

The opposite would be to damage myself, assign 'blame' and stagnate as I keep drilling a deeper hole to climb out of. This would not serve me--or anyone else. It would become a barrier to my generosity and ability to serve others going forward.

So I'd ask myself, WHY should I view past relationships as failures rather than learning devices? What's in that for me--or anyone else? Why is it necessary to assign blame, just because someone else refuses any responsibility?

Love this as a guide for this moment in your life. 

I think blame—of others, of ourselves—is pretty normal, to an extent. I'd call it an early step in processing—and, ideally, one we step out of pretty quickly rather than get stuck in. 

When it comes to something like a relationship, which involves two people, there's really no reason to try to find comfort or clarity in taking on all the blame, or flinging it on the other person. That's a recipe for freezing ourselves into a state of anxiety, anger, bitterness, and so on. 

Bottom line tends to be the same line, regardless of the specifics: two people who did not work. So perhaps when you find yourself spinning into the blame game, particularly when it's directed at yourself, take a big inhale and exhale and just remind yourself of that big picture: it did not work, it did not work. 

Which means? You're clearing the deck for something that does work, and for doing the good work, whatever it is, to prepare yourself for that. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, JoHarvelle said:

He blamed me for pretty much everything after he broke up with me and now that he's married

Don't blame yourself. Pat yourself on the back for dodging a bullet.👍

[Cherylyn]

21 hours ago, JoHarvelle said:

The thing is I doubt my own narrative. Sometimes I doubt whether I focus on his flaws and try to represent myself as blameless but I have made mistakes too. I have overreacted at times and have started fights. I am seeking counselling. I have made a lot of progress in my work life. I have a lot of good friends. This part, I have no idea why I can't get over.

A lot of people have regrets and tinges of guilt.  You get over it by accepting that you can't undo the past.  All you can do is learn from your mistakes, missteps or regrets.  To be fair, know the other party could've reacted in a positive,  healing way no matter what.  Even though one person initiates ire, it doesn't mean both parties needed to escalate it.  At least one party can have the maturity and emotional intelligence to calm things down and react without harshness.  Don't completely blame yourself all the time for all scenarios.  It takes the bigger person to smooth things over and your ex did not. 

What helps me get over bad experiences is a lot of distractions.  Exercise, hobbies, cooking, being with good people (even virtually) such as friends or family, spending more time with my dog (when she was alive), chores, becoming industrious and productive all help.  You'll have a harder time getting over it whenever you have too much time on your hands to ruminate and dwell on "what could've been."  Don't live in the past.  That's how you get over it.

Another thing is gratitude.  Learn to be grateful for everything good in your life.  Then your pity pot feelings will greatly diminish. 

Also, greatly limit your Internet time, cell phone, PC and all electronics because they're huge time traps and intensify feelings of sadness and negative thoughts. 

[No1]

What I see is someone that does not have their own identity and heavily relied on someone else to attach themselves to good or bad. Just my two cents, but if I ask you who you are. I dont know if you can really answer that question. You were happy being someone's GF and it didnt matter if they treated you right or wrong, you were just happy being theirs. Now I could be way off, but you are here a year and a half later looking back at what you lost and not looking at what you gained. 

You are free to do what you want with whomever you want. Free to date, free to make yourself happy, free to travel, and free to discover who you are. Use this time to find yourself. 

Now, question is are you afraid of what you will find? Is there things that happened in the past that you still feel guilty over? Are you afraid to look in the mirror and see who you really are? Do you feel that maybe being treated so badly from this guy is what you deserve? Here is the thing. There was a part of you that lashed out for being treated so badly. For a glimpse she came out and was upset on how you were treated. You knew that you should of been treated better, you deserved better and maybe in the back of your head you know you needed a better man. 

He is married now and dont feel that this girl won. In fact Im guessing she cries a lot wondering how she got into this and how to get out. You on the other hand are free to find better. As far as the mistakes... We all make mistakes and you will continue to make mistakes. Its how we learn. The object is to not repeat the mistakes once we learned from it. I think what you want to do is correct the past. It cant happen Im afraid. You cant go back and change anything and you cant correct what it done. So what you do is take those lessons and apply them to the next relationship. 

Know that you deserve better, so this is what you do. You make YOU happy. How can you expect someone to make you happy when you dont take the time to make yourself happy? How can you teach someone to treat you right if you dont treat yourself right? So take some time to find you. You have no problems attracting guys so youll be okay in the dating dept. Smile and the world will smile with you. 

[JoHarvelle]

On 1/12/2021 at 6:01 PM, Hollyj said:

What did your friends and family think of him?

I didn't talk much before the breakup so they liked him but they want his head on a silver plate after the breakup

[JoHarvelle]

Hollyj, Adrina, Catfeeder, BlueCastle, Wiseman, Cherylyn and No1, thank you all for your great advice. I'll keep reminding myself that there's no point in self-blame and everybody makes mistakes and I'm allowed to do so too and I'll just try to learn from them. Thank you guys.

[Hollyj]

22 minutes ago, JoHarvelle said:

Hollyj, Adrina, Catfeeder, BlueCastle, Wiseman, Cherylyn and No1, thank you all for your great advice. I'll keep reminding myself that there's no point in self-blame and everybody makes mistakes and I'm allowed to do so too and I'll just try to learn from them. Thank you guys.

Not try, will!

[catfeeder]

17 hours ago, JoHarvelle said:

Hollyj, Adrina, Catfeeder, BlueCastle, Wiseman, Cherylyn and No1, thank you all for your great advice. I'll keep reminding myself that there's no point in self-blame and everybody makes mistakes and I'm allowed to do so too and I'll just try to learn from them. Thank you guys.

You're not just allowed to make mistakes, they're a pre-requisite for getting yourself to where you want to go.

Consider looking up biographical articles on anyone who you admire, and note how many fails it took them to 'get there'. Often times 'success' is just a happy accident in spite of our biggest mistakes.

Go easy on yourself, and you'll notice how well this translates into an increased generosity toward others. It's an upward spiral, as along as you can move perfection out of your own way!