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In a Rut


kevinyates

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Hi everyone, I'm a 31-year old male, single, never married and no kids. I recently was dating a girl for two months but she sent me a breakup text a few weeks ago. It basically read: "my personal and professional life is really in shambles lately and I'm realizing I'm not in a place to date, navigate those feelings, etc. especially not knowing how long I'll be living here. I have loved hanging out with you and getting to know you, but I'm in a major funk. I feel like I'm just not in a place to give you the attention and fun time that you deserve. I would love if we were able to remain friends and see each other around, but I totally understand if you told me to kick rocks. I think you're great and never intended to waste your time."

This hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess I never realized how much I liked her until this last week when I realized how sad I was feeling. At the beginning, I wasn't even all that excited about going out with her, but over time I realized that she was truly special. I basically told her that I'm bummed but I respect her decision and to let me know if she ever needed to talk. There hasn't been any interaction since that. It really surprises me especially since she told me just about a week before the breakup text that I meant more to her than I knew. I'm so confused. I feel like I've been depressed during COVID and also was not able to showcase my most fun self.

Anyways, I've been super bummed lately. I'm not sure how much of it is from the breakup with her or me realizing that I'm getting older and my time to find a wife and grow a family is ticking. I've done well at work this year, recently hit the million net worth mark, and have my professional life in a good spot but it all seems pointless with my personal dating life in shambles. I seem to be getting a lot of breakup texts at around the one-month mark and it is getting very depressing. I have definitely been on the giving end of those (a few times this year), so it's not like I haven't dished it out to someone else, but nonetheless it hurts to get rejected by someone you see a future in.

I guess I am just writing this to rant, but any advice would be appreciated. I feel lost.

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Sorry about this. 

The impression I'm getting here is that this is just one of those moments—and breakups—where you can't help but to take stock of things and wish you were seeing something a bit different than you are. Never fun, those. Been there plenty. Hard as it is, try to see it for what it is—a set of feelings that, like all feelings, is going to pass and give way to a new set. 

Not sure this offers much comfort, but when I hear the age 31? I hear youth, someone just coming into his own as an adult with plenty of time to find what you're looking for. (I've got ten years on you, for reference.) Two months with someone that doesn't work isn't wasted time, or a verdict on anything save for a connection that wasn't meant to be. Sadly, most connections are short-lived, which is what makes those rare ones of the sort you're seeking so special. 

One thing I couldn't help notice? You mentioning that you weren't all that excited about dating her, at least initially, which I wouldn't bother highlighting if you didn't mention the past year as one with a lot of false starts. Though I think a lot of that is just part and parcel of dating, it makes me wonder if you have any kind of pattern of getting into relationships hoping that that—the getting into it—will bring about a certain level of enthusiasm required to sustain them. If so, it might be worth examining that pattern, a touch. 

And give yourself a real pat on the back for the success in work. That is real, hardly small, and worth plenty.

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Do you want a relationship? Or a relationship with the right person?

Don't invest in someone just because you don't want to be alone or because you have some timeline in your head you think you have to meet.

You are so young! You have enough time to search for the right woman for you. She will be worth it. But please be discerning! Don't settle for a woman you can slap the label of "girlfriend" on out of expediency. Because a relationship like that won't be sustainable or fulfilling.

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1 hour ago, kevinyates said:

I seem to be getting a lot of breakup texts at around the one-month mark and it is getting very depressing. I have definitely been on the giving end of those (a few times this year), so it's not like I haven't dished it out to someone else, but nonetheless it hurts to get rejected by someone you see a future in.

Sorry.. i guess you are feeling the 'pressures'?  😞

Maybe it is your 'frame of mind' lately?  Thinking that you have to find someone to settle with?  Please don't do it this way. - I feel you will only keep letting yourself down.  And never act out like this- like an act of desperation...etc

It is normal for one or the other within a relation to have those feelings / or not, on whether they truly feel this is something good & meaningful for them.. or not (why things don't make it past the first 3+ mos).

By sounds of it, you've 'had a few' in the last year?  Have you 'seen a future' with them all?   I hope not...

A relationship takes time to build in a positive and need to flourish in order to be successful.  To go jumping from one, into another, you get no real break.

Everything takes time... how are you, mentally?  Depressed?  Some can pick up on this.

If one is uncertain or unsettled, they can not 'give' properly.  ( I took a good few yrs on my own to get some prof help and work on myself.  )  

So, how about you try & think on this... and Stop 'trying so hard'... My brother was single about 8 yrs, before he finally found one he admired & loved.

 

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2 hours ago, kevinyates said:

I seem to be getting a lot of breakup texts at around the one-month mark and it is getting very depressing.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately the early days are when people may still be talking to and meeting others. You'll be fine, even though this is a challenging time to date.

Don't pressure yourself. In fact try a slower more relaxed pace, even if things are good. Don't sell yourself, instead observe them. Try a 'let's see if I'll choose her' approach rather than a 'pick me' approach.

People have a sort of 6th sense for internal pressures you may be placing on yourself. Slow and steady. Confidence.

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