Jump to content

He just broke up with his ex


Recommended Posts

Hi lovely people,

I havent been dating for some months, had numerous bad relationships and I thought it would be good to take some time to myself.

I dated a guy four years ago, didn't really work out at the time without a significant reason, I just wasnt ready to commit fully. From all the guys Ive dated our relationship was the most stable, never a problem and we had a great connection.

The last four years we decided to stay friends. He got a new girlfriend some months after and she was ok with us meeting from time to time. I have to admit I always had a weak spot for him, but was really happy with our friendship too.

This year I didn't hear much anymore. I got the feeling we grew apart from his part. I tried but with little response. 

On Christmas I got a message saying he has troubles letting me go. That he's thinking about me a lot and still feels attracted towards me. That the reason for being so distant was because he felt guilty towards his girlfriend and needed time apart to think. 

We met up to talk about it. He told me he broke up with his girlfriend because he cant let me go and it wouldnt be fair. Told me he would break up with her anyways even if I didn't want to date him because it still wouldnt be fair.

I told him that I do want that and there was a lot of attraction, it all felt so good and nice. I like him.

Now where I want to ask for advice: He broke up with his girlfriend last week. We talked about it a lot and I try to be understanding and be there for him. I asked him if he needed some time before us starting to date to deal with the breakup, he said he was ok. But he talks about her a lot, about how guilty he feels to leave her behind (she wanted to get married and have children apparently). They meet up once every two days and from his saying she is begging him to come back. One time she stayed over because she was sad and he wanted to be there for her. She always texts him when hes with me. One time during us kissing he looked. He stopped kissing and the next hour was really awkward. Its obvious hes dealing with this. 

I notice the situation makes me feel uncomfortable. He made it clear he wants to try things with me, but it doesn't feel like a right start. I have understanding for him but also feel placed in a weird situation. Past bad relationships make me wanna have security, and I miss this a bit at the moment. Partly also because I cant visit his house for the next months (his ex lives in the same street). Only he knows why he broke up with her, his friends, ex and family think its because of other reasons and are there to comfort him. He asked if he could come by tonight, I told him I would have more time on thursday so it might be better. Or could do both if he wanted to. He was quiet for a bit too long and said he didn't want to be that guy who is standing at my door the whole time. I asked him if he wanted to take things slow (again) and that I am fine with that but want these kind of things to be clear between us. He mumbled and said he wants to see me but didn't really know. It was an awkward  phone conversation. 

 

I really like him, but I feel the struggle in his mind which makes me struggle in my mind a bit as well. I think normally when two people start to date it should feel good and exciting. Of course it feels a little like that, but it also feels uncomfortable and unsure. Im thinking I should talk with him about this again, although I also dont wanna talk about these things too much so early in the dating phase. Any advice? Thank you ❤️

Edited by JoyceVib
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

40 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

Told me he would break up with her anyways even if I didn't want to date him because it still wouldnt be fair. 

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like he wants to cheat on her with the "my GF doesn't understand me" line.

He would not have broken up with you or dated others if things were good.

Unfortunately he seems to want an easy exit with a seamless sexual transition if he breaks up with her.

Dating someone new would be too much work for him if he breaks up with her.

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for the reply! 

He did break up with her. I know this guy for years (this is a privilege at least haha) and I always found him to be very trustworthy and a good man in general. I do think he likes me, we always had a great connection, I felt that too. But the way I see it, he now realizes how hard it is to give up a three year long relationship. I think he thought it would be easier. 

At least, I hope you are not right 🙃 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Monkey-branching out of one relationship and into the next usually doesn't work, for the reasons you're seeing. 

Even though he was the one who ended it, he's obviously still emotionally tied up with her and even still spending the night on occasion. He isn't ready for a new relationship yet because he isn't far enough out of the previous one. 

I would hit pause on this until he's really and truly finalized the end with her. He hasn't done that yet. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

 I also dont wanna talk about these things too much so early in the dating phase. Any advice? Thank you 

Hi

I'm sorry you're in this crazy love triangle. that is very painful to deal with.  I think you're statement above is looking at things from the wrong perspective. 

You are not early into the dating phase. you've been dating on and off. There is a tremendous amount of history from previous dating, being friends, never really losing feelings. Its not new.

And now,  all that time is being placed into the current situation.  Your feelings are telling you, how much or how strong your connection is. But his actions are showing how confused he is.  How he just doesn't want to be alone. how when one relationship ends, he is choosing to recycle an old one to ease his own discomfort. 

You are coming from a place of this is what you want... to build a good relationship. You're not on the same level. 

I think the only way to do this is, to eventually have a good relationship. Is to let him go and have faith if you're meant to be, you will be.

He needs to get his head on straight and choose you with confidence. What he is doing now will only hurt you. 

This is not an emotionally healthy guy making good choices. I'm sorry to say.  Protect yourself. If you stay with this as is,  he will use your strength to heal and leave you broken. I'm sorry. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you both for the replies! It gave me some new insight, Im glad I posted it here 🙂 Im gonna call him in an hour and talk about this, will also suggest a time out for a while. I think it would be good to use this time to work on myself as well. Feels like the right thing to do. Much appreciated!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
32 minutes ago, JoyceVib said:

Thank you both for the replies! It gave me some new insight, Im glad I posted it here 🙂 Im gonna call him in an hour and talk about this, will also suggest a time out for a while. I think it would be good to use this time to work on myself as well. Feels like the right thing to do. Much appreciated!

Good for you. I think this is a good approach. you want to make sure your behavior matches your words.  you and your feelings are just as important as his. just because he's going through a drama and all,  that doesn't mean your needs are just put aside. you deserve a whole man with a heart to give.  not a broken heart to mend. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

He has poor boundaries. He continued to see you while in a relationship with her. And now he continues to see her while purporting to want to date you.

He will continue to see her if you two reconcile just as he did continue to see you. He may even continue to have her stay overnight (she did not force him to allow her to stay over).

How comfortable are you with being in a relationship with someone who continues to see his ex? Aren't you concerned he'll do to you what he did WITH you?

And no, he's not "trustworthy" just because he admits to seeing his ex and having overnights with her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

PS: I had two exes contact me out of the blue, one while his girlfriend was dying and the other while his girlfriend was receiving treatment for breast cancer. They didn't contact me because they loved me so much or wished they never broke up with me. It was because they saw their source of sex and companionship going away and they wanted to line up a replacement.

I told them both to pound sand.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

PS: I had two exes contact me out of the blue, one while his girlfriend was dying and the other while his girlfriend was receiving treatment for breast cancer. They didn't contact me because they loved me so much or wished they never broke up with me. It was because they saw their source of sex and companionship going away and they wanted to line up a replacement.

I told them both to pound sand.

Preach, Bolt! 

I think its completely human to want to think,  "my ex came back because we're so in love... see the last x number of years they were with someone else meant nothing" but its simply looking at a situation the way you want it to be not what it is. 

I've also had many exes come back years later and I know its the hope of easy sex, instant relationship or some other self serving reason. its never about the person they are trying to get back. 

If it were, they'd heal themselves and be alone for a period and then make contact as a whole person with something to actually offer. 

Just yesterday an ex sent me a LinkedIn connection. I just ignored it... just like any other connection from someone I don't know. like ew! go away. I can smell the desperation from here. lol

Link to post
Share on other sites

I call bs on the part where he can't let go of you, though you two let go 4 years ago.  He's participated in the serious relationship during all this time.

I don't doubt you are appealing to him and he values your friendship.  He may very well having some feelings for you.  But I get the sense he's telling you what you want to hear so you'd agree to be in a really messy triangle.  Because most women wouldn't.

If this has any chance or you want to merely preserve his friendship,  tell him to call you when he is fully free of any entanglements and healed from his 4 year relationship.  As you can see, though supposed broken up but they are still attached on many levels.  Breakups rarely happen in a moment.  They are a process.  You don't want to be drug through this.  He may very well be using you as a soft place to fall.  Believe you deserve better.

Edited by reinventmyself
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

You don't want to be drug through this.

I first read this as "You don't want to be his drug through this," which is kind of the same thing.

Regardless of the specifics of how any relationship starts—be it with someone from your past, or with someone a few blinks out of something—I think it's pretty universal that when someone can't help but talk at length about their last relationship (the guilt! the texts! the whatever!) that you're at risk of getting tangled up in another person's knot. That can initially create some facsimiles of what we want from connection—a certain intensity and vulnerability—but as you're seeing that gives way pretty quickly to an itchy static, to drama cloaked in the robes of depth. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

He broke up with his girlfriend last week. We talked about it a lot and I try to be understanding and be there for him. I asked him if he needed some time before us starting to date to deal with the breakup, he said he was ok. But he talks about her a lot, about how guilty he feels to leave her behind (she wanted to get married and have children apparently). They meet up once every two days and from his saying she is begging him to come back. One time she stayed over because she was sad and he wanted to be there for her. She always texts him when hes with me.

IMO, this guy is messed up!  You do NOT want him in your life (relation wise).  He cannot 'give' proper to either of you!

He is okay?  he is not...  He is confused. ( you can tell because he's talking still, about her).

- He feels some 'guilt'

They meet up still?  They should not be.  is it done.. or not?

 

7 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

I just wasnt ready to commit fully.

7 hours ago, JoyceVib said:

I really like him, but I feel the struggle in his mind which makes me struggle in my mind a bit as well. I think normally when two people start to date it should feel good and exciting. Of course it feels a little like that, but it also feels uncomfortable and unsure.

-Exactly.. all new & feeling good.  

Now.. are YOU 'ready to commit fully'?  Because now, he isn't.. right?

 

 

 He got a new girlfriend some months after and she was ok with us meeting from time to time. I have to admit I always had a weak spot for him, but was really happy with our friendship too.

This year I didn't hear much anymore. I got the feeling we grew apart from his part. I tried but with little response. 

On Christmas I got a message saying he has troubles letting me go. That he's thinking about me a lot and still feels attracted towards me. That the reason for being so distant was because he felt guilty towards his girlfriend and needed time apart to think. 

- Of course he was 'happy' with you two remaining friends- BUT, he was NEVER really able to work on getting over you, as you keep tailing along with THEM.

Never giving anything a proper break and for HIM to move on fully. ( not fair if you ask me).

I'm just not sure WHY you kept this up with him.. If YOU were the one who could NOT commit fully? Then, maybe you should have just cut all ties & let him go.

As you see now, in all of this.. he said he feels guilty towards his Gf .

 

Anyways.. yah, it looks like One Big Mess.

I say.. keep your distance, expect nothing real from him,

And I also say that you ALL need a real break from one another and HE needs to get himself figured out - a Good while on his own.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Had to come back and add, if it's true he couldn't get over you during the 4 years, how unfair would that be to his then girlfriend?  How would she feel knowing he wanted you instead the entire time?  I feel bad for her.

Now flip the script.  Now you are in the jump seat and he has unresolved issues/residual feelings for the woman who was recently in the seat you now occupy.

He's proving to both of you that he can't be trusted to keep things clean.  He's just too messy to be trusted to do the right thing.

Edited by reinventmyself
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

You both date & breakup then he dates somebody else & breaksup because he is not over you and then he tells you that he feels he is not done right to her.

so now is he is not over you and her as well. one guy loves 2 girls and he cant leave both. All of you are hurting now.

His heart is messed up, he is messed up, doesn't know what he wants in life meaning you need to leave him alone or RUN for a better life with somebody else. Don't be friends just let him go.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...