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Tired of the dating apps


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Been trying to date over the last year. Granted covid has put a different spin on things but my experiences over the last year as similar to those I’ve had before.  
I find myself SO tired of the dating games it seems everyone plays.  Match but don’t talk, talk but won’t meet up, agree to meet up then back out the day before or just don’t show up, dishonesty, misrepresenting themselves, dating numerous people at once then choosing one etc etc etc.   

over a year of trying to meet someone nice, and I’m finding the depression from rejection and games harder than feeling lonely.  Online seems to be the only place to meet people now and I’m not sure it’s for me.  Starting to view “you are a really great person” or “you seem like such an amazing man” like an insult now.  
 

fool me once shame on me, fool me twice maybe it is me?   I guess I’m not sure where the question is but it’s starting to effect me and I’m out of ideas.   

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Usually when dating sites become too much for me. I step away and take a break. In that moment it’s not time for me to find my person. Granted I haven’t been on any sites in a long time. But I did that and ended up meeting my ex shortly after taking a break. 
 

I think don’t try so hard leave the sites on as noise in the background and go about your business. Someone worthwhile will show up. Just be patient and give it time. 

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Sorry about this. 

I'd try to see this less as an "online" thing, and more of a "meeting great people is always a challenge" thing. I think what makes the apps a bit corrosive is that they can kind of heighten our expectations—being, you know, "dating" apps and all that. When I use a ride sharing app or a food delivery app, I expect one thing: to get from a to b, to have sushi dropped at my door in 22-44 minutes. But to apply that to "dating" is a recipe for emotional whiplash. 

Perhaps just take a little break from them? Then, when it's feeling less tetchy, resume swiping, trying to think of it more in the vein of going to a bar or event or dinner party or whatever. Maybe you meet someone great, maybe not. Maybe you just chat for a few fun minutes, maybe a fun day. Make room for all those possibilities to be okay, and the pressure lessens. Less pressure has a way of making space for stickier connections, when the right person crosses your path.  

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Thanks for the input.  I’ve tried breaks before for this reason.    
 

after numerous attempts over years without any positive experiences just seems to be a “it’s me” thing.   Which is not easy.   Give off hard, “best friend - nice guy vibes”it seems.  

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If it’s been over a year I would try something else. But during this time, online is the safest. My 20s were consumed of online dating. It wasn’t until I was 29 years old when I met someone offline. Not sure how old you are but I tend to think a lot of 20 somethings tend to rely on online dating apps. 
 

I find it’s better finding someone by doing an activity you like. Or by just being offline.  It’s so much easier people to ignore you, ghost you, be inconsiderate of your feelings when you’re online. 
 

But because of Covid, maybe try a site that is geared towards hobbies you enjoy? Facebook groups too. This way, you don’t have to focus on rejection on dating sites but enjoy something you like all while potentially getting to know people who enjoy the same hobby. You never know what happens from that. 

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15 hours ago, Brice said:

Match but don’t talk, talk but won’t meet up, agree to meet up then back out the day before or just don’t show up, dishonesty, misrepresenting themselves, dating numerous people at once then choosing one etc etc etc.   

over a year of trying to meet someone nice, and I’m finding the depression from rejection

Noo.. don't let that kind of stuff get you down.

Many people on there are also very cautious and yes, some just 'hang out' with no real intention.. could take a year plus before anyone is willing to meet.

Don't waste your time/emotional energy on all of that!  So much crap/fakes/users on there.  I hardly ever find anyone truly genuine.. unless they are possible 'new' to it all.

Also, remember many people have also been thru their own experiences and are possibly experiencing the same stuff as you.

This is why I hardly take any of that seriously.. there's so much going on... so many peeps and so many stories... so, don't take any to heart.

One day, maybe you WILL strike up a convo with some decent gal who IS truly into it.. and shows constant interest & effort.  (note: women can recieve numerous messages & get overwhelmed, so they will not respond to everyone- again, don't take it personally - or that 'match up' stuff.. really doesn't matter much).

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I would get very despondent about dating apps too. I'm a woman, but encountered all the same frustrations with the men I was in contact with. 

 

I'm an honest, decent person who doesn't play games and you're one too. Finding others with similar values seems to be like looking for a needle in a haystack, but they are out there. You just have to harden yourself to all the disappointment and believe in better. 

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I hear. Are you trying to 'meet' or are you trying to 'date'?

If you're going straight for the date, you're spinning your wheels and making this a grind.

Consider setting up a bunch of quick-meets over coffee on your way home from work.

It's an app version of speed-dating. You agree to 15 to 30 minutes, neither can corner the other on the spot for a 'real' date, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary.

This takes rejection stuff off the table, and if someone stands you up, you just take your coffee home with you, and nothing is lost.

You get to decide whether to make this an exhausting thing by over-investing, or whether you want to just speed-meet anybody who's willing to do same as part of your daily routine.

Head high.

 

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Brice,

Welcome to ENA,

You surely are not alone in what you are going through.  If you searched this forum you would find hundreds of stories just like yours.

So back in the days of in real life meeting people and dating you were exposed to possibly one person a month that you could MAYBE strike up a conversation with in hopes of it going somewhere.  With OLD you can view easily a hundred a day and try and talk to lets say 10 that you find interesting.  So in one day you could almost try and make a connection with the same number of women you could in real life back in the day.  Even if you were a social butterfly and hit clubs and parties very frequently your numbers would not be that much better in real life.  You see your perspective for in real life dating and OLD is very different.  OLD you see a bunch of people that you assume want to meet and date but in real life you really have no idea of their status or anything else about them so they are just people at the same party or club or what ever.

This sets you up to think you are not wanted when in fact you could be very datable but with so many people on OLD your odds diminish.  A great many people do way better in real life than online while others do way better using OLD. 

I wish I could tell you that there is some magic bullet but there isn't other than learning as you use OLD.  A thick skin also helps and accepting that there are some on OLD that are looking for perfection, someone to entertain them, they are bored or lonely, need an ego boost, are in no condition to date or simply like to be pursued as well as all kinds of other stuff.  Reading profiles and sniffing out genuine people is key. If you see someone you are really attracted to but there profile has one sentence what does that tell you?

OLD is hard there is no doubt and it has unfortunately replaced in real life dating for most people that think they are to busy to meet any other way.  I agree not trying sometimes looks like a much better idea so you don't have to deal with all that rejection but please remember these are total strangers and you have no idea what their motives are in not responding.  

If you need a break take one.  Take your profile down or hide it and then rework it a little.  There is all kinds of info out there on how to make a great profile.  Then work on getting your skin thicker so much of this bounces off.  Lastly don't put all your eggs in one basket.  Stay as open and social as possible after covid of course.   

Keep posting

 Lost   

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Just change the way you do things. Find other means to meet someone, like through friends/family/coworkers, groups online if you can't get out, join a club, get into safe activities that allow you to meet new people. The best way to meet someone is irl. Gives you a chance to interact in person instead of depending on a few photos and some bs profile.

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2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Brice,

Welcome to ENA,

You surely are not alone in what you are going through.  If you searched this forum you would find hundreds of stories just like yours.

So back in the days of in real life meeting people and dating you were exposed to possibly one person a month that you could MAYBE strike up a conversation with in hopes of it going somewhere.  With OLD you can view easily a hundred a day and try and talk to lets say 10 that you find interesting.  So in one day you could almost try and make a connection with the same number of women you could in real life back in the day.  Even if you were a social butterfly and hit clubs and parties very frequently your numbers would not be that much better in real life.  You see your perspective for in real life dating and OLD is very different.  OLD you see a bunch of people that you assume want to meet and date but in real life you really have no idea of their status or anything else about them so they are just people at the same party or club or what ever.

This sets you up to think you are not wanted when in fact you could be very datable but with so many people on OLD your odds diminish.  A great many people do way better in real life than online while others do way better using OLD. 

I wish I could tell you that there is some magic bullet but there isn't other than learning as you use OLD.  A thick skin also helps and accepting that there are some on OLD that are looking for perfection, someone to entertain them, they are bored or lonely, need an ego boost, are in no condition to date or simply like to be pursued as well as all kinds of other stuff.  Reading profiles and sniffing out genuine people is key. If you see someone you are really attracted to but there profile has one sentence what does that tell you?

OLD is hard there is no doubt and it has unfortunately replaced in real life dating for most people that think they are to busy to meet any other way.  I agree not trying sometimes looks like a much better idea so you don't have to deal with all that rejection but please remember these are total strangers and you have no idea what their motives are in not responding.  

If you need a break take one.  Take your profile down or hide it and then rework it a little.  There is all kinds of info out there on how to make a great profile.  Then work on getting your skin thicker so much of this bounces off.  Lastly don't put all your eggs in one basket.  Stay as open and social as possible after covid of course.   

Keep posting

 Lost   

^^^ Print this out and tape it where you'll see it when you feel alone or defeated

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Thanks for the thoughts.   Unfortunately there have been no activities for the past year and the next year doesn’t look good either.  Is the way it is I guess, I’m not built for dating.  

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7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Just change the way you do things. Find other means to meet someone, like through friends/family/coworkers, groups online if you can't get out, join a club, get into safe activities that allow you to meet new people. The best way to meet someone is irl. Gives you a chance to interact in person instead of depending on a few photos and some bs profile.

I agree with some of the profiles online being BS and they don't you about themselves.  Tells me they aren't serious about meeting anyone.  One time I tried the route of asking a friend to assist me with putting a girl he was friends with and myself in the same room after she became single again.  He did nothing about it and didn't seem to care.  I've thought about trying again to meet people through friends or coworkers.  However, I've hesitated as my mind thinks it shows weakness or desperation.  Like I can't do it on my own.  How would you deal with that monkey chatter?  

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I never said come out and tell your friends to help you get a date, I meant to be more involved socially, and meet people through them. Kinda hard right now with a pandemic going on but vaccines are already being distributed so soon things will get back to normal.

 

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Yeah I gotta be honest, I'm not that hopeful about online dating. If it helps, one of my best friends married a guy she met online. They've been together for 13 years and have two kids. My other best friend did find a relationship online but it's only 6 months in so far, so we'll see how it goes I guess. But she did go on dates with 50 or more guys before she actually found someone. That's considering she's a very attractive and nice woman and she has so many guys interested in her.

Me personally, I'm nearly 36 and I've been on online dating since I was 18 years old. I've never actually been in any OLD relationships, though I haven't always been single because I did have a few long term relationships from real life.

I'm having problems with online dating too, but they're just not the same as yours I guess. I can get dates but just it always ends up being that I'm not interested in them or them in me. Or some people just want a hookup and I want marriage and kids. Or there was one guy from a very traditional culture and he was desperate to get married but it seemed he just wanted it to be some kind of business agreement. I spent two hours having coffee with him and all he asked me was just a bunch of questions to see if I ticked boxes to be his wife. Like, are you over your ex? Do you want to get married and have kids? What's your sexuality? Do you want to marry sooner? He never asked me anything actually about my life, interests or basically anything else about me. Then at the end he said he was happy with the answers I gave and would see me again. Like it was some kind of job interview and I got the job! Lol

I'm not sure what to tell you except I think online dating is really hard for most people. I suppose it just feels forced because if someone stops replying or rejects us after a date, it feels like there's something wrong with us. But it's probably more that there's just no connection or they just happen to like someone else more.

I think it's probably a good idea to start investing more in meeting people in real life. E.g. singles events, Meetup, parties, hobby groups. Although at the moment with COVID a lot of that is not on or you have to wear a face mask to the events. Which kind of defeats the purpose because you don't even see anyone's face. So I understand that during COVID online dating seems like the better option.

 

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15 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I never said come out and tell your friends to help you get a date, I meant to be more involved socially, and meet people through them. Kinda hard right now with a pandemic going on but vaccines are already being distributed so soon things will get back to normal.

 

My mistake. Thank you for the clarification. 😀

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