How do I get a boyfriend?

[GeneralRubbish97]

Hi, I'm 23 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. Currently, I don't even have friends due to my social anxiety. I've lost my best friend after graduating from high school. She wanted to hang out with me and stay friends but I wanted to stop socialising and hide at home instead. That was around 2015. Then I started studying, I met a few people but there were always only fellow students to me, nothing more. Now due to Covid, I study and work from home and don't see anyone except for my parents and my brother. But the sad thing is, it really doesn't make any difference, it's not like I've been talking to other people before anyways. I can honestly say: Apart from my family, no one ***ing knows me. I mean, some people back from my school days or from work or uni may know my name but that's about it. Sometimes, it makes me sad but I know that I've wanted that the whole time. I've basically worked towards that by always fleeing from any possibly social interaction in the past. I've had so many chances but I always ran away from them.

Other than the years before, I felt a lot different in 2020. I worked on myself a lot. I started to workout on my rowing machine, I got my driving licence... I am just a lot more motivated in general. And for some reason I started to really long for a partner. I know it's stupid to look for a partner in these times and it's stupid to think that someone like me, who has never had any sort of experience, could simply go and find someone who they feel comfortable around. There are so many aggravating factors but still, sometimes, I just feel like I'm not near as ugly or stupid to deserve this solitude.

I'm sick of only having crushes on men but never being able to let things actually happen. I've always had that tendency to develop crushes on older guys. For example, I've had a crush on my driving teacher. I've had my final driving test a couple weeks ago and so I don't see him anymore, but I still dream about him every now and then. He wasn't even particularly good-looking, it was simply for the fact that he had a great, clever sense of humor and he was kind. I didn't want him to think I'm weird or stupid or ugly so that I barely talked. Now, the dumb thing is: I KNOW that we could have had great conversations. He always talked about random things and I wanted to talk to him the way I talk with my brother or my parents. I just wanted to be relaxed but I cared too much about his thoughts. So instead, I remained silent and boring... That's why I could probably never have a "soulmate": Whenever I would find someone who shares my sense of humor and interests, it would make me tense up and act weird. And so, the other person would never find out that I like them or that I am likeable as well.

I feel so trapped... I feel comfortable being in my bubble but I feel lonely at the same time. I wonder why everyone on freaking earth is or has been in a relationship except for me. I feel like an alien. I don't know who I am, I don't know what others see in me... I just wait for this man who can see something special in me, you know, underneath the awkwardness and shyness and everything.

Does anyone here have an advice or story that could help me?
(Sorry for my English, I'm from Germany :))

[Jibralta]

22 hours ago, GeneralRubbish97 said:

I know it's stupid to look for a partner in these times and it's stupid to think that someone like me, who has never had any sort of experience, could simply go and find someone who they feel comfortable around.

Honestly, based on your history of hiding and fleeing from social interaction, it's not surprising that you chose NOW to find that someone special.

Subconsciously, I think you understand that your odds of success are much lower now than they would be without a pandemic. It's actually the classic move of someone who fears commitment or intimacy. You choose bad partners or impossible circumstances and guarantee yourself the failure that you both desire and hate.

But you should really think about what you are doing. It won't get better without active effort from you to turn this around. You can end up like this for the rest of your life. I have seen it happen first hand and it's unfortunate.

[Sarah9]

First of all I would start therapy with a therapist specialized in social anxiety. CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is very effective (personal experience).

Then, consider that all this situation due to the pandemic will slowly come to an end. At that point, what I suggest is going to Meetups. They saved my life when I relocated to a new city. I met so many people, I made new friends (real friends) and I overcame social anxiety (slowly, but I did!). If you consistently attend meetups, see a therapist and take care of yourself, you will meet new people, improve your social skills, overcome your social anxiety and eventually you will be able to find someone.

 

[Spawn]

Well you will need to take the first big step of getting out of this situation. I was shy during my college days but ultimately it took me some time to get out of this. In the process i discovered many aliens( read humans) were like me , so if this helps , you are not alone in that situation. 

But you need to make that effort, don't be afraid of rejection or anything in life. We all go through our shi.tty dark times in life, build on your self confidence and esteem slowly it will take time but will help, work on some new skills any passion that you like to pursue, this will all lead to meeting up with people and more people.

Don't make jerks your friends, the moment you realize one cut them off sweetly, choose wisely.

if this helps with your confidence, honestly your English is good.

[Andrina]

Until you work on your own mental health, achieving self-love and confidence (when you're not worrying if someone thinks you're ugly and stupid), you shouldn't be dating. Why? You will only attract manipulators and bullies, who seek out women with low self esteem. Also, no guy who has his act together will date a woman who makes him the sole center of the woman's universe, which you will do if you don't have a support system of friends. "Together" people are attracted to  others who have a healthy balance of time alone, time with friend/family/hobbies/career, and time together with a partner. And confidence is the biggest attractor of all.

I agree with therapy and being placed on antidepressants if the psychiatrist recommends that treatment. After a while, you should no longer feel the need for isolation. At that point, it'd be great to welcome friends into your life before you try dating, as per the reasons I noted. Try a hobby you can be passionate about, and you will likely find friends through that. Once you do date, keep up with your friends and hobbies. It makes you a more appealing partner, and if a breakup happens, which is common, you will be less upset because you have a fulfilling life BESIDES being in the dating world.

This will be a long process, but you will appreciate the results. Make the shiny new year your new beginning. Good luck.