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Exclusivity and casual relationships


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I (32M) was upfront dating and sleeping with 2 young women (1 very seldom) and I need 3-6 months before knowing if I want to commit to someone. None of those 2 wanted serious relationships (found out later, mentioning it now) but are girls I can trust and casually date, and knew and accepted how I felt. 

A 3rd one (21F) came into the picture, was pushing for commitment since day 1, saying she fell in love with me and was sure after week 1. Saying how she keeps being attracted to emotionally unavailable guys or players (insinuating I am one; this was my first time in my life having multiple relationships at once, never been a player before).

A quick history of her; came out of a 2mth engagement to a broke 31yr old man she knew for only a week before getting engaged. That ended a week before meeting me. Eldest daughter of single mom and younger brother from another father family, raised by grandparents mostly and appears to have grown up faster responsibility-wise and her desire to start a family at a young age. Her mom is a misandrist.

She submitted to my timeline standards despite strongly wanting monogamy from day 1. 

It was passion and fire between us from the start. I've never had a real relationship in my 32yrs alive, just flings, short and long distanced relationships, too addicted to gaming, porn, rockclimbing, and insecurities like sexual shame from younger days, and parents advising against relationships. So I made sure she knew where I stood and why I want 3-6months before commitment; revealing character, seeing how she deals with conflict, If we rly click, inconsistencies, protect my heart from investing too much too soon(swooning), not knowing if we could have a compatible future, making up for lost time in my teens and 20s, etc. 

Leading up to 2 months, 3 times during pleasant times, she got upset suddenly cuz she'd feel too conflicted about dating me knowing im seeing other women, how she didnt want to share me, and I'd have to console her and remind her why I need 3-6 months, 3 minimum. I saw her the most. 

 After 2 months on a camping trip together, she says it would mean a lot to her if I cut the other women off now. I told her I'll end it with them soon, were just 2 months in and only 1 month to go to hit my timeline minimum. She kept pressuring that she wants me to cut them off physically now and I can tell them later. I really wanted to stick to my timeline standards cuz I feel patience is key and letting things unfold unhurried is best, and I wanted to choose to end it myself to be sure my desire is true and not forced, as this whole chapter of my life (access to more than one woman) was new to me. So I told her to trust me, I want to make her my gf, I rly do, I just want to see them one last time before committing; I didn't answer with a direct yes/no I'll cut them off now, just reassured her I ultimately want to be exclusive with her soon.

By the 3rd month I tell her I'm rdy to commit to you only. She asks if I did anything with the other girls during that 3rd month, and being honest since day 1, and having always went by my standards, I said ya, just one of them, and a longer past fling came back to catch up and she blew me.

Interlude; I felt fine seeing one of them a final time, didn't feel weird about it, still within my timeline. But when I got a bj from that past fling, I truly felt then at that moment that I'm not into this anymore, rdy to cut all casual sex off and I went thru this motion without realizing how I truly felt about my budding relationship. Somewhat disappointed at myself for realizing it only as it happens, but happy that I knew 100% I was rdy to commit and done with this.

She broke up with me the next day saying I betrayed her, saying how I could do this to her knowing how she felt about it. How she loved me the most in her 21yrold life, gave her all to me. I thought I was clear since day 1 that I needed 3-6 months. I didn't follow her request because its not within my timeline to be monogamous by 2 months. She knew and still asked me to change my mind, to which I mistakenly upon reflection, answered her with reassurance instead of yes/no. But had I repeated myself on my standards, and camping in the middle of the woods during that talk, I didn't want to upset the camping trip mood by her shifting her attention from having fun camping together, to being anxious sad over commitment issues.

Its been 3 mths and I still think about her daily, cried for 2 mths. Couldn't sleep for a week straight. She was the best woman that ever came into my life and showered me with love and affection I never thought I could have. Before her I didn't believe in love anymore, she opened my heart Chakra from past trauma with women when I was a simp before I became a wanted man.

Did I betray her? Was my answer to her request to cut the other women off dodgy? Do you think I was in the wrong or was she, or were we both inexperienced with relationships and made errors on both parts? Was it going to fail to begin with from outside perspective? Any and all insight and advice is appreciated, our relationship changed me forever. 

I want her back, but all advice on getting your ex back is always go no contact. The possibility and hope is killing me with inaction.

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I think you both were right and wrong, though I do not think you should let others decide what feels right for you. And: By asking yourself if what she feels and thinks is right / wrong you're keeping her wound open because you question if what she's going through is valid.

Both of your experiences are valid.

I'd ask myself: Why would a woman want to commit to me, when there is yet nothing but sexual attraction? Why would she sleep with me as there is not enough non physical attraction yet? That's more about her trying to tie you down, I think. And that's what people with a fear of loss do. So, I think she didn't want to commit to your person at first, but tie you down, and you didn't want to commit to her person, first, without knowing her. So basically you were both "right".

I understand that love grows, and I think you'd need a time after living casual for so long. So you needed your time.

On the other hand you possibly shut down a possibility for being with a woman you love. don't be too hard on yourself asking why and what if. But I think you'd need to convince her why SHE was your reason to change and not the bad sex with another woman in the first place was your reason to change. Chances are that she's not gonna be convincable.

 

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3 hours ago, Roshikun said:

I was rdy to commit and done with this.

She broke up with me the next day saying I betrayed her, saying how I could do this to her knowing how she felt about it. How she loved me the most in her 21yrold life, gave her all to me. I thought I was clear since day 1 that I needed 3-6 months. I didn't follow her request because its not within my timeline to be monogamous by 2 months. She knew and still asked me to change my mind, to which I mistakenly upon reflection, answered her with reassurance instead of yes/no

Whollay man!   :O 

SHE is a demanding little thing, eh?

Yes, someday, maybe you may 'commit', but not to her.

You did not betray her.. you explained yourself repeatedly.

I hope, at this time you DO see how controlling she is?  You dodged a bullet- so to speak. 😉 

No, she did not 'love you'.. maybe 'lust'.. but I doubt she is able to come to feel real love.. not with her background.

In time I know you will come to see how lucky you are you did NOT get caught up in her web!

3 hours ago, Roshikun said:

Its been 3 mths and I still think about her daily, cried for 2 mths.

- this shows you just how fast one can be brought down by manipulation.  You are possibly a little overwhelmed yourself by this type of behaviour? ( like a whirlwind).  this is NOT normal , or acceptable.

3 hours ago, Roshikun said:

I want her back, but all advice on getting your ex back is always go no contact

No, you don't!  Not someone like this!  

Besides... as well as her so messed, she was over 10 yrs your junior ( and you are well-aware of her past & upbringing)... so that never sounded too promising.

 

Like I said.. you dodged a bullet.. Give yourself some real 'down time' to work thru all of this you've experienced.. for your own mental health. ( so many women in a matter of months)- take a break.. get yourself back to good.

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So what I would do if you know you need 3-6 months of dating before knowing if you want to commit to someone is go on dates, kiss, hug, fool around some, be affectionate -and wait to have sex until you are ready to commit.  That way you don't have the complication of a woman getting attached to you because she is having intercourse with you, you decrease the risks of STD and pregnancy, and the women who also want to wait until they are exclusive with you will be a better bet most likely for the long term.  Certainly people can have one night stands or a casual sex arrangement or have sex early on and then commit but since you say you need months to decide whether to exclusively date someone then why not reduce the potential drama/complications and prioritize those women who, like you also want to wait?

Certainly you can want both - you want to have sex right away -you will commit to that - but you don't want to give up the options to sleep with others for 3-6 months.  I just don't know a lot of women who are looking for a healthy, long term relationship who would be up for you having multiple sex partners while you figure out if you want to commit to any of them.  But I do know women -myself included -who would have been ok dating more than one person at a time but not having casual sex.  For me -three months would have been my limit -meaning three months to decide whether to be exclusive.  I often waited longer than that to have sex. 

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So what I would do if you know you need 3-6 months of dating before knowing if you want to commit to someone is go on dates, kiss, hug, fool around some, be affectionate -and wait to have sex until you are ready to commit.  That way you don't have the complication of a woman getting attached to you because she is having intercourse with you, you decrease the risks of STD and pregnancy, and the women who also want to wait until they are exclusive with you will be a better bet most likely for the long term.  Certainly people can have one night stands or a casual sex arrangement or have sex early on and then commit but since you say you need months to decide whether to exclusively date someone then why not reduce the potential drama/complications and prioritize those women who, like you also want to wait?

Certainly you can want both - you want to have sex right away -you will commit to that - but you don't want to give up the options to sleep with others for 3-6 months.  I just don't know a lot of women who are looking for a healthy, long term relationship who would be up for you having multiple sex partners while you figure out if you want to commit to any of them.  But I do know women -myself included -who would have been ok dating more than one person at a time but not having casual sex.  For me -three months would have been my limit -meaning three months to decide whether to be exclusive.  I often waited longer than that to have sex. 

I agree with this.  She hung in there as long as she comfortably could.  She cautioned you she was growing weary dating on your terms and according to your timeline. Her perogative. 

She never gave you an ultimatum and took a risk telling how she felt invested  and what she wanted and needed to continue.. The decision was always yours.  

You admit when asked a direct question, you didn't want to *upset the camping trip by repeating your timeline convictions but instead reassured her you ultimately wanted the same thing.

But by sticking to your timeline and having sex with others, she decided she had higher value,  and wasn't willing to continue to compromise what was important to her and knowingly wait to be chosen out of a handful of others.

Neither right or wrong.  I don't see her as needy.  I would have done the same. 

Something to consider next time.  If you had a redo, what would you do differently?  

Had you not mentioned her previous relationship timeline, would you get the same responses?  The comments seem to be an attempt to shift her credibility but she is now the perfect one that got away for you.

 

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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You really weren't that into her, since you gave her up to be able to bang two other women for 60 more days who will never be longterm with you. Choosing not to multi-date, such as what she does, doesn't mean exclusivity is so ultra serious that there's an extreme confidence the relationship will last a lifetime. It just means you want to concentrate on one person without the interference of another, and that if it ends tomorrow, so be it.

But if you're choosing to stick to your timeline, it's best to cut bait as soon as the other woman says she doesn't match your dating style. It'll cause less grief for the both of you. 

When I dated, I did it as the same style as Batya. I did ask questions, and if the guy said it took a really long time to decide who to be exclusive with while multi-dating, I'd tell him his style didn't match mine and he was out of there. I've never met a woman who would put up with your timeline, so your dating pool will be smaller, so just be realistic about that aspect. Maybe that's why you've recently only found women who don't want longterm who are willing to date you.

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10 hours ago, Roshikun said:

 I'd have to console her and remind her why I need 3-6 months, 3 minimum.  

 I didn't follow her request because its not within my timeline to be monogamous by 2 months. 

Sorry this happened. You'll have to rethink these arbitrary rules.

There's nothing wrong with exclusive dating, especially when you start having sex.

You're going to push away a lot of women with these rigid rules and timelines.

 It comes across as a player who spreads STDs and can't be trusted.

You're using these arbitrary semantics and rules to pretend you're giving someone the heads up that you're casual and sleep around, but you're going to end up in this place over and over.

If you can't date someone a while and agree to exclusive dating when sex enters the picture, you're going have trouble.

Just curious did these rules come from reading manosphere sites? Pick up artist and such? The "no contact to get the ex back", also sounds like misguided rules from these types of sites.

Be confident. Be your own person. If you're into someone you'd like to focus on, have the exclusive conversation. 

It's not a walk down the aisle, it's an agreement to have sex with one person. If things don't work out after dating a couple months you can always end it then.

Otherwise you'll keep getting passed by because your rules go both ways, meaning they'll continue dating others, find someone more confident and write you off as player they don't want to waste thier time on 

Next time try not to be this defensive or give women the kid-in-candy-store preemptive strike.

You may believe your extreme and arbitrary rules and timelines prevent heartache, but as you see it's creating them by chasing away any chance at finding women who'll stick around for your player attitude.

 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 It comes across as a player who spreads STDs and can't be trusted.

You're using these arbitrary semantics and rules to pretend you're giving someone the heads up that you're casual and sleep around, but you're going to end up in this place over and over.

Otherwise you'll keep getting passed by because your rules go both ways, meaning they'll continue dating others, find someone more confident and write you off as player they don't want to waste thier time on 

Next time try not to be this defensive or give women the kid-in-candy-store preemptive strike.

You may believe your extreme and arbitrary rules and timelines prevent heartache, but as you see it's creating them by chasing away any chance at finding women who'll stick around for your player attitude.

 

1)Its based on the average period of time it takes to get to know someone, 3-6 months is not arbitrary. A lil search on average time will show some data

2)I have no issues with the woman dating around while I date them too? You think I'm afraid of losing a girl who wasn't into me in the first place? All 3 of them were exclusively sleeping with me only, and knew about it. I wouldn't lose an ounce of sleep for a woman that passes me without giving me my 3 months to prod them properly. I'm inquisitive I don't take love at face value. Actually I see your suggestion as a lack of confidence in itself to commit before you're ready, out of fear of losing her.

3) I do agree these rules if too rigid may cause issues for fragile women, and I've alrdy learned i should've compromised or repeated myself again to her request. However im a successful single young man and if I don't have rules I'll end up committing to some fast life woman who'll make a baby and divorce me in 5 years. My experience taught me wanting commitment too fast actually broke the relationship or got me in bad ones, so I tried something new.

4) did you actually understand my story and where I'm coming from? I wanted to be casual to enjoy this newfound abundance in women I have, while taking my time developing feelings and seeing how shes like. She saw me as a prize and wanted to be committed without taking the time to know me properly. I sensed problems but regardless a sweet woman behind the problems and I gave her a shot and I was right both ways. This is literally the first time I practice this rule and its the most abundant time of my life yet, so as you can see there is no precedent experience for me to have a pattern in this.

5)defensive to what? Kid in candy store? Elaborate and steer from the metaphors plz 

You created more confusion than give answers to me.

Edited by Roshikun
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7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 I just don't know a lot of women who are looking for a healthy, long term relationship who would be up for you having multiple sex partners while you figure out if you want to commit to any of them.  But I do know women -myself included -who would have been ok dating more than one person at a time but not having casual sex.  For me -three months would have been my limit -meaning three months to decide whether to be exclusive.  I often waited longer than that to have sex. 

I did some research into healthy amount of time to get to know someone enough to have a good barometer on the relationship would be 3-6 months. Its honestly the first time I do this. Before I'd jump into relationships and they'd just fail cuz I never took the time to pay attention. I think its wise to have a couple months time to get to know each other. 

I agree on withholding sexual activity or at least exclusive sexually next time I get a girl like her, and figuring it out as I go while this time just not throwing my whole heart out first week.

As I said it was my first time living this sexual abundance, I just wanted to create my fantasy for a short while, I knew it wasn't sustainable. 

4 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I agree with this.  She hung in there as long as she comfortably could.  She cautioned you she was growing weary dating on your terms and according to your timeline. Her perogative. 

She never gave you an ultimatum and took a risk telling how she felt invested  and what she wanted and needed to continue.. The decision was always yours.  

You admit when asked a direct question, you didn't want to *upset the camping trip by repeating your timeline convictions but instead reassured her you ultimately wanted the same thing.

But by sticking to your timeline and having sex with others, she decided she had higher value,  and wasn't willing to continue to compromise what was important to her and knowingly wait to be chosen out of a handful of others.

Neither right or wrong.  I don't see her as needy.  I would have done the same. 

Something to consider next time.  If you had a redo, what would you do differently?  

Had you not mentioned her previous relationship timeline, would you get the same responses?  The comments seem to be an attempt to shift her credibility but she is now the perfect one that got away for you.

 

 

If I had to redo, I'd have repeated myself and likely have compromised going 3 months til I know, while stopping sexual acts with the FWBs. So it meets both my standard of time, and her standard of sexuality.

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

You really weren't that into her, since you gave her up to be able to bang two other women for 60 more days who will never be longterm with you. Choosing not to multi-date, such as what she does, doesn't mean exclusivity is so ultra serious that there's an extreme confidence the relationship will last a lifetime. It just means you want to concentrate on one person without the interference of another, and that if it ends tomorrow, so be it.

I was extremely into her, as I was into having lived the fantasy of having 3 girls in the same weekend. It was like life presented me with two things I wanted and never had at once; I had to try both. I have past experience that prevented me from being emotionally open, its a secret I won't tell here but she knew and stuck through it cuz she's understanding of my trauma. 

I think she had extreme confidence it would last a lifetime, I mean she got engaged within a week on her prior relationship. She constantly spoke of we, a family, kids etc. I personally would never date exclusive if I didn't have high confidence it would last long. I had my doubts due to how fast she fell for me, her last breakup engagement, and her life story.

 

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12 hours ago, laralu said:

I'd ask myself: Why would a woman want to commit to me, when there is yet nothing but sexual attraction? Why would she sleep with me as there is not enough non physical attraction yet? That's more about her trying to tie you down, I think. And that's what people with a fear of loss do. So, I think she didn't want to commit to your person at first, but tie you down, and you didn't want to commit to her person, first, without knowing her. So basically you were both "right".

I understand that love grows, and I think you'd need a time after living casual for so long. So you needed your time.

On the other hand you possibly shut down a possibility for being with a woman you love. don't be too hard on yourself asking why and what if. But I think you'd need to convince her why SHE was your reason to change and not the bad sex with another woman in the first place was your reason to change. Chances are that she's not gonna be convincable.

 

I mean she met me at my business, saw me in a buddha shirt and told me how that resonated with her as she's very spiritual. Then came over on the first hangout, saw my place. So she knew I was successful. 

Im in tune with what you said, I think there's truth in that she wants to tie me down, then get to know me after and decide to keep me later.

And yeah you're right its gotta be her the reason I'm making that change. Just somewhat scared to call after 3 months... she's not a meanie at all, she wouldn't cuss me out, but I guess I'm pessimistic on me reaching out turning into a good thing.

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1 hour ago, Roshikun said:

 if I don't have rules I'll end up committing to some fast life woman who'll make a baby and divorce me in 5 years. 

How can they "make a baby and divorce you" if you use condoms and don't marry until it's appropriate?

It seems like you are not ready to date. You're seem quite terrified of your own inability to manage your dating life.

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It is exceedingly unlikely a relationship with this young lady would have lasted anyway, OP.

Bunch of red flags on her: claiming she fell in love with you after a week (no, not possible, she barely knew you), had previously been engaged to a man she'd known a week (holy impulsive, Batman), had only been single a week when she met you. 

Dude. Do you really not see the dysfunction there?

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're going to push away a lot of women with these rigid rules and timelines.

Agree. It's unappealing. 

Plus, this 3-6 month rule is arbitrary and misleading. You've never had a relationship, never committed:

18 hours ago, Roshikun said:

I need 3-6 months before knowing if I want to commit to someone.

18 hours ago, Roshikun said:

I've never had a real relationship in my 32yrs alive

Just tell them that you want 3-6 months of nsa sex and that you don't want a relationship. Be honest, at least. It will save you both a lot of pain.

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I actually think you dodged a bullet with this girl because I'm not so sure that she was "in love" with you per se. I think she sounds like she's not that mature or experienced with relationships and doesn't know what real love actually is. I don't understand how you weren't put off by the fact that she got engaged to a guy she only knew for one week??!! And after one week she said she was in love with you too! I would be very weary of this kind of impulsive love bombing behaviour and wouldn't get involved with a person like this. So in that sense I don't think you lost anything really except an admirer. I doubt she was truly in love with you in an adult way. Sounds more like just a projection and infatuation.

Regarding your timeline...Personally I think longer than 2-3 months to become exclusive may seem too long to some women. If I really liked a guy I would start getting suspicious if he was taking as long as six months to decide if he wants to be exclusive. By exclusive I don't mean you have to be in a serious relationship where you put it on Facebook and take the person along to everything as your partner. I just mean that you wouldn't be sleeping with other people. If you really liked this girl (or another woman) and she's saying to you after two months she'd like you to stop sleeping with other women. If you say no and continue to sleep with other women, it's coming across as that you're not really that into her or you're a player. Because if you want a relationship and you like a woman a lot, why can't you just choose her? By only caring about your rigid timeline you're showing her that you care more about sex with other women and some rule you made up than you actually care about her and your relationship with her. It's really not a good look and to be honest I would have broken up with you too. If you honestly want a relationship and not just sex I think you have to act like it.

 

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1 minute ago, Roshikun said:

I'm not gona describe my whole life to explain why I never had a real relationship, doesn't mean I never tried. 

  Not saying you didn't try. But your approach has a success rate of zero. 

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2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I actually think you dodged a bullet with this girl because I'm not so sure that she was "in love" with you per se. I think she sounds like she's not that mature or experienced with relationships and doesn't know what real love actually is. I don't understand how you weren't put off by the fact that she got engaged to a guy she only knew for one week??!! And after one week she said she was in love with you too! I would be very weary of this kind of impulsive love bombing behaviour and wouldn't get involved with a person like this. So in that sense I don't think you lost anything really except an admirer. I doubt she was truly in love with you in an adult way. Sounds more like just a projection and infatuation.

Regarding your timeline...Personally I think longer than 2-3 months to become exclusive may seem too long to some women. If I really liked a guy I would start getting suspicious if he was taking as long as six months to decide if he wants to be exclusive. By exclusive I don't mean you have to be in a serious relationship where you put it on Facebook and take the person along to everything as your partner. I just mean that you wouldn't be sleeping with other people. If you really liked this girl (or another woman) and she's saying to you after two months she'd like you to stop sleeping with other women. If you say no and continue to sleep with other women, it's coming across as that you're not really that into her or you're a player. Because if you want a relationship and you like a woman a lot, why can't you just choose her? By only caring about your rigid timeline you're showing her that you care more about sex with other women and some rule you made up than you actually care about her and your relationship with her. It's really not a good look and to be honest I would have broken up with you too. If you honestly want a relationship and not just sex I think you have to act like it.

 

Very helpful insight, thank you

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6 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I actually think you dodged a bullet with this girl because I'm not so sure that she was "in love" with you per se. I think she sounds like she's not that mature or experienced with relationships and doesn't know what real love actually is. I don't understand how you weren't put off by the fact that she got engaged to a guy she only knew for one week??!! And after one week she said she was in love with you too! I would be very weary of this kind of impulsive love bombing behaviour and wouldn't get involved with a person like this. So in that sense I don't think you lost anything really except an admirer. I doubt she was truly in love with you in an adult way. Sounds more like just a projection and infatuation.

Regarding your timeline...Personally I think longer than 2-3 months to become exclusive may seem too long to some women. If I really liked a guy I would start getting suspicious if he was taking as long as six months to decide if he wants to be exclusive. By exclusive I don't mean you have to be in a serious relationship where you put it on Facebook and take the person along to everything as your partner. I just mean that you wouldn't be sleeping with other people. If you really liked this girl (or another woman) and she's saying to you after two months she'd like you to stop sleeping with other women. If you say no and continue to sleep with other women, it's coming across as that you're not really that into her or you're a player. Because if you want a relationship and you like a woman a lot, why can't you just choose her? By only caring about your rigid timeline you're showing her that you care more about sex with other women and some rule you made up than you actually care about her and your relationship with her. It's really not a good look and to be honest I would have broken up with you too. If you honestly want a relationship and not just sex I think you have to act like it.

 

You're right she also told me she never had a real bf. 

I see what you're saying in hindsight, how that comes across. Perception VS intentions tho are different and I do see the problem with my action having created a bad perception of me. My intention was true tho, but my way of going about it was misguided I guess. 

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3 minutes ago, Roshikun said:

Very helpful insight, thank you

Thanks 🙂 Well at the end of the day I think you have to think about what you really want. There's actually no right or wrong answer, but only the right answer for YOU. You didn't do anything wrong as such. As you said, you were very honest about everything right from the start and about your timeline. But what you did wrong was that you wanted to be in a relationship with this girl but you were fixated on your timeline rule. So you made a decision that jeopardised your chance at a real relationship with this girl. However if you only wanted sex with different women then in that sense you would have made the right decision, for you. According to what you actually want. If that makes sense.

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1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Thanks 🙂 Well at the end of the day I think you have to think about what you really want. There's actually no right or wrong answer, but only the right answer for YOU. You didn't do anything wrong as such. As you said, you were very honest about everything right from the start and about your timeline. But what you did wrong was that you wanted to be in a relationship with this girl but you were fixated on your timeline rule. So you made a decision that jeopardised your chance at a real relationship with this girl. However if you only wanted sex with different women then in that sense you would have made the right decision, for you. According to what you actually want. If that makes sense.

Yeah totally get it. It was an inexperienced decision, as an ex-player told me, it was a rookie mistake. I definitely will never ever disregard a request from the heart next time. If there ever will be.

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46 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It is exceedingly unlikely a relationship with this young lady would have lasted anyway, OP.

Bunch of red flags on her: claiming she fell in love with you after a week (no, not possible, she barely knew you), had previously been engaged to a man she'd known a week (holy impulsive, Batman), had only been single a week when she met you. 

Dude. Do you really not see the dysfunction there?

Ya I see it, its true they're obvious issues, that's why I mentioned them cuz I do notice. Its that despite her big insecurities, she was just a keeper in any other way. Cooked, cleaned, always brought lil gifts, verbally and physically warm, always down for sex, loved my pets like her own...

But ya I always had my doubts about her claiming to fall for me when she doesn't know me yet, hence why I thought putting a timeline would help see the truth behind her person. I ended up seeing a scared and hurt young woman who wants to love but has deep fears of abandonment and not being good enough.

She saw a successful young man who's got girls at his calling and is confident. Ticked all the superficial boxes a girl who crushed on a celeb would. I can see why she'd fall for me quick but at the same time, last time a woman fell for me quick, she also changed my life cuz I committed to her way too quick. Thats when I learned the lesson that exclusivity should come after I figure her out more. Tho I think the lesson this time is when you figure her out, make the decision and don't beat around the bush. 

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1 minute ago, Roshikun said:

Ya I see it, its true they're obvious issues, that's why I mentioned them cuz I do notice. Its that despite her big insecurities, she was just a keeper in any other way. Cooked, cleaned, always brought lil gifts, verbally and physically warm, always down for sex, loved my pets like her own...

But ya I always had my doubts about her claiming to fall for me when she doesn't know me yet, hence why I thought putting a timeline would help see the truth behind her person. I ended up seeing a scared and hurt young woman who wants to love but has deep fears of abandonment and not being good enough.

These are lovely traits, but the bigger problems would almost certainly have caught up with you (as a couple) later on. It's not just insecurity. She appears to have some deep issues that would render a healthy and sustainable long-term relationship...very challenging. 

She seems to be in love with the idea of love, but actually has quite an immature and naïve understanding of what love is. Based on what you said about claiming to be in love with you after a week, and agreeing to marry a virtual stranger after a week, she's looking to latch on to anyone who seems to offer some semblance of security. That's not to say you don't possess your own great qualities, but there is zero chance she knew that after a week of dating. It's a major red flag when someone jumps into relationships like she does (or attempted to do) They're often dealing with unresolved trauma or emotional instability and attempting to use relationships to fix them. Recipe for disaster. 

In the future, be very wary of anyone who tosses around "love" when they barely know you. You were actually wise not to commit to her, as it probably wouldn't have been a very successful relationship. 

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52 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Agree. It's unappealing. 

Plus, this 3-6 month rule is arbitrary and misleading. You've never had a relationship, never committed:

Just tell them that you want 3-6 months of nsa sex and that you don't want a relationship. Be honest, at least. It will save you both a lot of pain.

It takes far longer than 3-6 months for many people -not all -to know if the person they are with is the one they want forever with -I would say you might know in 3 months but I am a fan of the couple spending a year together before getting engaged/married.

On the other hand deciding to be exclusive -not just sexually monogamous -exclusively dating - that can happen much sooner.  You're not deciding to marry, you're not deciding this person is the one.  You're deciding there is serious potential for the long term and you want to be exclusive to explore that within an environment where neither is distracted by shopping around for others to date/dating others.  There need not be intercourse involved at all while exclusively dating - for example if the decision is made after 4-5 dates, less than a month sometimes! Most of the time my boyfriend and I were exclusive way before we had sex even though we fooled around/were sexual to an extent after going out 3 or 4 times.  

Having sex with multiple people for 3-6 months isn't really exploring whether you want to commit to someone - for that period of time the focus really is on simply having fun which to you means sex with multiple partners.  Certainly if you want to date different people for a month or two before you become exclusive with one -to me anyway that makes perfect sense.  I didn't put all my eggs in one basket right away especially in my 30s when I wanted marriage and did

n't want to close off all options for a near stranger.  But if I dated someone for 6-8 weeks - usually 10 dates? - I knew if there was serious potential for the long term especially because my mindset going in was whether this person might make a good long term partner.  I remember one instance where at 3 months of non exclusive dating (no intercourse) I saw he changed his dating profile.  I responded to it and he called me.  He said "I'm almost there, but not quite - can you hang in with me a little longer?"  I said I could.  I gave myself one more month.  He then started pulling away slightly.  And at 4 months he took me to watch him play a sport where his disorder -an anger disorder -was on full display. Not at all towards me, ever.  He told me he used to be much worse and wasn't interested in therapy anymore.  So then I knew he actually wanted me to exit.  He said he didn't but I knew he showed me that side of him so he wouldn't have to end things with me.  Of course I wasn't going to take the chance that his diagnosed disorder - despite being better - might flare up and be used against me (and then I remembered all the empty beer cans I'd seen at his apartment).  

Another guy agreed to be exclusive with me if I'd have sex with him -so I did earlier than I usually did (around 7 weeks) - he said he still wanted freedom to "meet women for coffee".  I said no.  He agreed.  My mistake - see- he never really was in love with me and I'd never had sex outside of a committed relationship where we were in love and saw serious potential for marriage - he dumped me 3 months later because he was never that into me.  He didn't need "more time" -he just didn't want to wait for sex. 

Maybe these examples help you.  I dated on and off for 24 years -been with my husband 15 years, married for 12.

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