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Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’ve been wit my husband for 16 years. We met when we were young but now I am about to turn 41. I married for love, not money,  not status and I know this. But over the years I felt like my husband took me for granted. He never proposed to me. It’s been 16 years and I don’t have a ring from him. He never asked me to change my last name. He hasn’t earned for 10+ years and I am the sole bread winner. We don’t have a house. He doesn’t have a bank account, bad credit, no savings or friend circle. He doesn’t even have a car. We have a child together and I want to try to keep the family for his sake but I am unhappy. We tried to get a divorce and he took the baby. It got ugly and I buckled. We are trying to work things out again but I am having a hard time letting go of the past. Please advise!

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28 minutes ago, UncertainWife said:

. He hasn’t earned for 10+ years and I am the sole bread winner.

. We have a child together. We tried to get a divorce and he took the baby. 

He can't just "take the baby".

For the sake of your child, get legally divorced.  Your focus on rings and proposals 16 Years after the fact is wholy misplaced when you should be protecting your child.

Hopefully you are not leaving the child alone with him while you work.

Is he an alcoholic or drug addict? Why don't he work? 

Where are your family and friends? Can they help you get out of this.

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Custody of your child would be determined by the court and, especially given your husband's financial situation, I think it's extremely unlikely he'd be awarded sole custody.  Your husband sounds like he just married you for the good deal he'd get out of it.  Surely you have little respect for him?  Does he bring anything to the table that would makes you want to stay with him, or are you there just because you fear losing your child?  I'd make an appointment to see a divorce lawyer asap.

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OP, this isn't going to get better. You know this. 

You need to see a lawyer about divorcing. Let him or her know that your husband has previously tried to take the baby, too. 

Does he have a substance abuse problem or some such thing? He sounds utterly dysfunctional and immature for a man who I presume is also in his 40s. 

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He's using the baby as a threat and he knows it works.

See an attorney and give them the history and find out your options.

It's entirely possible that you could get a restraining order when you file for divorce given the history of parental kidnapping. That would limit his access to your child and remove the threat.

 

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9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He can't just "take the baby".

For the sake of your child, get legally divorced.  Your focus on rings and proposals 16 Years after the fact is wholy misplaced when you should be protecting your child.

Hopefully you are not leaving the child alone with him while you work.

Is he an alcoholic or drug addict? Why don't he work? 

Where are your family and friends? Can they help you get out of this.

He has no substance abuse issues. He’s been trying to establish a business for over 10 years now and it has not paid off. No he cannot even pay for his own bills. Child Goes to Montessori now.

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So before you got pregnant...I'm guessing 6 years ago? You have plenty of time to see his pattern of going nowhere with his life,......what was your excuse to stay and then added a child into the mix?

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

So before you got pregnant...I'm guessing 6 years ago? You have plenty of time to see his pattern of going nowhere with his life,......what was your excuse to stay and then added a child into the mix?

Jee! I dunno the fact that we got married and exchanged vows?! 

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 Just because you get married isn't a reason to stay if it's already going down a slippery slope. Some do it for religious reasons, or financial, or insecurity, expectation of family, too much in love, fear of being alone, etc. Just want to know what was truly holding you back. Obviously you tried to make it work, but he's become a boat anchor, dragging you down.

Edited by smackie9
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Forget about what you didn't do or could've done. Please focus on the present and the future. For your sake and your baby's.

As others have suggested, seek a good lawyer asap and the help of trustworthy relatives / friends (if possible). A good lawyer will be able to advise you on what's best for you in current circumstances and how you should proceed.

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The best thing to do for the child is to end this relationship!    Get rid of the dead weight!  You have enabled this guy for too long!

Edited by Hollyj
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9 hours ago, smackie9 said:

So before you got pregnant...I'm guessing 6 years ago? You have plenty of time to see his pattern of going nowhere with his life,......what was your excuse to stay and then added a child into the mix?

Yes.  Why would you marry this loser, then add a kid to the mix.  Yikes.

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20 hours ago, UncertainWife said:

He hasn’t earned for 10+ years and I am the sole bread winner. We don’t have a house. He doesn’t have a bank account, bad credit, no savings or friend circle. He doesn’t even have a car. 

Can you explain that please?  What's behind it all?  All of the above is a serious issue and should have been sorted out a long time ago. No wonder you're miserable, lonely and unhappy.  This is no marriage at all.  It sounds more like a prison sentence.  There is no future in what you have right now - unless you choose misery and unhappiness for the rest of your life.  The trouble with that is that your child gets to live a very unhappy and unsettled life too and THAT is just plain wrong.

Have you ever considered marriage counselling?  If you really want to save this "marriage" then I think marriage counselling is the first step.  BOTH of you should go, but going by your post, he doesn't seem very interested in you or the marriage.  At the very least go for counselling on your own to get guidance in helping you to make decisions etc.

If counselling doesn't work, at least you tried.  Then you head to a divorce lawyer for the sake of your child, if not for yourself.

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21 hours ago, UncertainWife said:

Jee! I dunno the fact that we got married and exchanged vows?! 

Well obviously you love him and believed him at that time, but now he has worn that out. Counseling, and working out some compromise? and if that doesn't work, get a lawyer (don't say anything to him) and seek out advice, know your rights, and even talk to a judge about how your husband threatens kidnapping your child. They will take that into consideration and protect you and your child. The odds play favor on your side in this.

Edited by smackie9
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I'd figure out my emotional stuff later and see a local attorney for legal advice about my options and the best steps to take for each option.

From there, you can operate on real information rather than emotions alone. You'll have the inputs to make a plan.

Kidnapping your child to keep you in line is illegal. That's why you need a plan. Check out the services of a local women's shelter for counseling, or contact one of the hotlines on the internet, such as domesticviolence.org. You don't need to be physically harmed to benefit from these services, they are preventative and can help you to make a SAFE plan.

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4 hours ago, UncertainWife said:

@Hollyjyou got advice or just here to judge which is easy to do? You’re useless!

I guess I hit a nerve 

would you want this for a family member or friend? 

Edited by Hollyj
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I too often wonder why people ruin their lives by marrying someone who is clearly a parasite, and then even after it's obvious that the person is nothing more than a drain, they choose to have one or more children with that person.

There's a ton of self accountability due here.

 

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At some point we all have to decide we're going to change our situation or do something, no matter the cost, fear, or impact to others. Because its your life you have to live it. No one can live it for you.

You can choose to listen to threats from a man, that based on what you said, has nothing to offer and everything to lose or you can quietly and methodically do your homework. 

Meaning- talk to attorneys & your closest allies- family & friends.  Make your plans. Get ready to move half the money into your own account. So that when you're ready, you act fast. You may need to help him financially, since you're the bread winner.  But know, he does not get to decide anything.  Its a legal process 

Good luck.  I know its hard but your future self is waiting for you to fix this situation for yourself. You can do it 

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2 hours ago, gamon said:

I too often wonder why people ruin their lives by marrying someone who is clearly a parasite, and then even after it's obvious that the person is nothing more than a drain, they choose to have one or more children with that person.

There's a ton of self accountability due here.

 

The kids are the true victims.  

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. He isn't worth keeping, he sounds like he never was and you deserve someone so much better.  Begin to work on yourself first, have some self care days, dress up, go to your favorite places, find some new interests and fall back in love with yourself. The only way out of this is to begin loving YOU. If not, your children will never know self love and they may possibly follow in your footsteps.

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17 hours ago, gamon said:

I too often wonder why people ruin their lives by marrying someone who is clearly a parasite, and then even after it's obvious that the person is nothing more than a drain, they choose to have one or more children with that person.

There's a ton of self accountability due here.

 

Tell me, how do you define a clear parasite? How many people have you gone through or waited to get married or commit to anyone?

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15 hours ago, Hollyj said:

The kids are the true victims.  

Victims? Tell me about the perfect family you know of. Any? My parents have been married for 25+ years and I can tell you it’s not always rainbows and roses but there are no victims. People have complex lives, children learn and adapt. I think “victim” is a little extreme.

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17 minutes ago, UncertainWife said:

Victims? Tell me about the perfect family you know of. Any? My parents have been married for 25+ years and I can tell you it’s not always rainbows and roses but there are no victims. People have complex lives, children learn and adapt. I think “victim” is a little extreme.

"But over the years I felt like my husband took me for granted. He never proposed to me. It’s been 16 years and I don’t have a ring from him. He never asked me to change my last name. He hasn’t earned for 10+ years and I am the sole bread winner. We don’t have a house. He doesn’t have a bank account, bad credit, no savings or friend circle. He doesn’t even have a car"   Well if you think that this is a healthy role model for your child, then go for it.    I am wondering what you get out of this, and why you are tolerating it?  You are raising two kids.   

The is a bad environment for your child.   

Edited by Hollyj
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20 minutes ago, UncertainWife said:

Tell me, how do you define a clear parasite? How many people have you gone through or waited to get married or commit to anyone?

Parasite defined: "He hasn’t earned for 10+ years and I am the sole bread winner. We don’t have a house. He doesn’t have a bank account, bad credit, no savings "

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