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I'm not sure what to do need help


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It's been about a week since the break up happened. Me and my ex have been together for about a year and a half and she broke up with me because she lost feelings for me. She at first told me this around mid decemeber and I told her that we should just take a two week break and see if it would work. During those two weeks I self reflected upon myself and apologized to her basically communication issues in my end and what I was going to do to work on myself. I then sent her that on the first week of that break. After the two week break we called and I restated what I said again and she told me that she was glad that I reflected upon myself but she still felt the same way. She said she was willing to be friends still but after 2-3 months for the feelings to be gone. I told her that I still love her and I don't think my feelings with her would fade. I asked for reasons why she wanted to break up besides the feelings and she told me it was that we couldn't really spend time with each other and other things that accumulated overtime. In my eyes she never addressed it to me before about the issues as I felt things were going fine. Since before the two week break happened we were starting a new game together and played for like 3 hours with a bunch of chit chat.I told her that with COVID it is hard for us to meet up due to where she works there is multiple covid cases happening and that my parents are at risk. Then she told me that she doesn't want to invest in the relationship anymore and that she understands if I do not want to message her anymore. My stupid self then asked her that if we do become friends again would it be possible to rekindle it (I know now that it's really stupid to ask at the moment) and she said that she doesn't know and don't want to give false hope.  So now I'm just not sure what to do, I feel that if we just meet up or just do more virtual stuff like video call it could work out and like do phone calls (I didn't tell her this during the call). Since we always text to each other every day. But at the moment we haven't talked and when I'm looking at things online it's saying to do a no contact for like 30 days like does that really work? Also to add she still looks at my stories and share me her location at snapchat. Like this is my first time in a relationship and I don't know if I should message her right now about the idea I have or just go no contact for 30 days. Please give me an advice I feel so lost right now

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The hardest thing to do, but the best thing to do for your emotional well being in the long run. Work on accepting this love has run it’s course. Assume that the times in the relationship when she didn’t feel nurtured have cracked the foundations of the house (which means no further restoration is possible). She might well still love you in a sense but the trust and good faith required for life partnering have been lost along the way. Don’t beat yourself up for this. But if you walk away thinking you could have been more present that would definitely be something to bring to the next relationship. 
 

I’m sorry for your loss though. Love ending really sucks 

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Thanks... I just felt that in the last three weeks I have learned a lot mistakes that I made and mistakes that she made. There is seriously no way to fix it or like repair it? I'm well aware now what went wrong and willing to do my part 😕

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Sorry this happened.  Breakups stink.

Stay no contact. Give both of yourselves some space and time to process the situation.

Basically, no contact is a tool for you to let things calm down and allow you to heal in peace. It's not a tool to get someone back.

Yes, Covid and distancing wreaked havoc on many relationships. But some survive, some don't.

Make sure you don't view the "let's be friends" thing as hope.

The good news is this has nothing to do with any defects you may have. Breakups are about incompatibilities and her specific issues.

Retool, reflect and take a deep breath. You'll be ok whatever the outcome.

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3 hours ago, Fragments said:

she broke up with me because she lost feelings for me. She at first told me this around mid decemeber and I told her that we should just take a two week break and see if it would work. During those two weeks I self reflected upon myself and apologized to her basically communication issues in my end and what I was going to do to work on myself. I then sent her that on the first week of that break. After the two week break we called and I restated what I said again and she told me that she was glad that I reflected upon myself but she still felt the same way. She said she was willing to be friends still but after 2-3 months for the feelings to be gone. I told her that I still love her and I don't think my feelings with her would fade

 

Sorry for your BU... it is never nice to experience 😞  .  But, I think you need to work on accepting her choice.

Fine, you reflected and realized you had a communication issue? (something to work on for next time).

You said a 2 wk break- but,  1) there never really was one.. you still contacted her.

                                                  2). NOTHING will happen or change in such a short time.

She still feels the same, so I feel she has herself figured out on what she wants.  What is done is done.

No, I'm sure your feelings will not fade, but hers may be lacking - for her to do this.

As for 'friends' after 2-3 months, is YOUR choice, but I suggest NO.  Not unless or until you know you are no longer emotionally invested.  When you feel you are over her- which can take a long while. ( So often I do not go for that with my ex's.  I make a clean break- since we went past a 'friendship' - is not easy to go backwards).

Remain no contact now.  Leave it as is.. because, if you continue to go at her,, this can push her away even more.  This is where respect & self control comes in.  You need to back away.. focus on yourself.. accepting & healing now.

One day at a time.. it will sting for a while :(, but so often we will recover.

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Posted (edited)

The more reflecting I have done the more I realized that I was being distant to her due to school and spending time with my family for a few weeks. I'm just speculating that could've been the case and she never knew that. Also, with no contact do I just block her on everything? 

Edited by Fragments
Forgot to quote lol but this is for wiseman2
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2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

 

Sorry for your BU... it is never nice to experience 😞  .  But, I think you need to work on accepting her choice.

Fine, you reflected and realized you had a communication issue? (something to work on for next time).

You said a 2 wk break- but,  1) there never really was one.. you still contacted her.

                                                  2). NOTHING will happen or change in such a short time.

She still feels the same, so I feel she has herself figured out on what she wants.  What is done is done.

No, I'm sure your feelings will not fade, but hers may be lacking - for her to do this.

As for 'friends' after 2-3 months, is YOUR choice, but I suggest NO.  Not unless or until you know you are no longer emotionally invested.  When you feel you are over her- which can take a long while. ( So often I do not go for that with my ex's.  I make a clean break- since we went past a 'friendship' - is not easy to go backwards).

Remain no contact now.  Leave it as is.. because, if you continue to go at her,, this can push her away even more.  This is where respect & self control comes in.  You need to back away.. focus on yourself.. accepting & healing now.

One day at a time.. it will sting for a while :(, but so often we will recover.

Yeah after when I sent that I was like oh no 😞 I screwed it up. I don't want to say that I'll give myself extra hope about the friendship part. But I just felt that our chemistry was really great we had almost the same likes and dislikes and get along with each other quickly. Like I'm afraid that if I do get rid of feelings for her then when I become friends again I think I'll just develop it again quicker.

 

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Your break-up follows a very common pattern:

Dumper wants to end it. Dumpee panics and suggests a break instead. Dumper (usually reluctantly) concedes. Dumpee suddenly realizes all the things they think they did wrong, and tries to bargain with Dumper not to leave so they can show them all the improvements they're suddenly going to make. Essentially, Dumpee blames themselves because they believe if they just fix those things, Dumper will come back. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't usually work that way. Relationships do sometimes just run their course, and one person doesn't have the feelings or emotional connection to try to work on it anymore. This is particularly true when the couple in question is young or doesn't otherwise have a lot of relationship experience yet. The Dumper might not be able to identify why exactly they are feeling that way, but just as you can't help but have feelings for her, she can't help the way she feels, either.

It will hurt, but you will get through this. And yes, it's best to block her on social media so you aren't triggered every time she watches your story, or when she decides to stop sharing her location with you. You won't have feelings for her forever. As time passes, that will fade. You will also likely reach the point where you aren't interested in being friends with her, so I wouldn't worry about that. Stay strong, OP. 

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6 hours ago, Fragments said:

Like I'm afraid that if I do get rid of feelings for her then when I become friends again I think I'll just develop it again quicker.

Right- which is why I said.. you need a LOT more time to recover & accept all of this.

Your feelings do not just fade away that fast.

So, in order to focus on yourself and heal from this, you NEED a good amt of time- away from her.

If someone dumps me.. then says 'but we can be friends"?.  No thanks.

For me.. especially if I was VERY into them, I cannot sit there, trying to hang on- being dragged along anymore.

Fact: it hurts! and I don't need constant reminders 😞 

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Going strict no contact for 30 days and blocking her everywhere can and does help- but only if you use it as intended.

The goal of no contact is to allow you to detach and make preparations to move on with your life in a different direction than you were intending.

It's not to somehow make the dumper miss you and come running back into your arms begging for forgiveness because they suddenly realized in your absence what a great guy you are.

Sometimes they do get curious when you go dark and they come sniffing around and there's a second chance but it doesn't usually work because lets face it, people are pretty much who they are, real change can take many years if it ever happens at all, and there were good reasons for the breakup in the first place that still exist.

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Whenever people fall out of love, they often can't pinpoint an exact reason. It can be as perplexing to them as their partner. It doesn't have to mean that you've done anything 'wrong'.

I say this so you won't believe that there's some magic key to repair that she just won't tell you. Or that relationships require us to walk some kind of tight-rope of perfect behavior, and if we mess up, we're toast.

Most young relationships don't last forever. This doesn't make them failures, it makes them our learning devices. We teach ourselves how to navigate relationships, how to become better partners, and how we can survive breakups without needing to turn one person into a villain and the other a victim.

Stay no-contact, and move your focus onto reaching your own private higher ground. This will help you to make her less and less relevant over time, which will best prepare you for crossing paths with her one day in the future. You'll best be able to handle that from a new perspective that you cannot gain from stagnation. 

Head high.

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Its very simple.. The relationship didnt work out. 

There doesnt have to be a reason, blame, or fault. Sometimes relationships end because it was time for it to end. I know you are perplexed at how could this be. We are conditioned to think there HAS to be a reason for anything to end but sometimes they just do. What you are doing now is trying to think back as to when the diversion happened. When did she start breaking away from me? Have you thought that its nothing you did or nothing you could of done. You could of been the best boyfriend in the world and she could still break it off because she just didnt feel it. Nothing about you, just you were not the one she was looking for. It has run its course. 

But dont look at this as a negative thing. This is perhaps the best thing to ever happen to you. You now have room in your heart and in your life for someone better, someone who actually wants to be with you. And she will find someone she wants to be with. A relationship ending is not always a bad thing. Just means you have an opportunity to meet someone else. 

So dont sweat it, you tell her good bye and to have a wonderful life. She will be just fine without you and you will be just fine without her. 

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