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Boyfriend going hot and cold


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HI there,

I´d really like some advice on my situation.

I went on a course in October and met a guy I really liked. We were a 6 weeks together every day and fell in love. I´m 41 and he´s 38. Then in November he moved to another part of the country for work. We spoke every day and then arranged to meet at Christmas and spend it at his parents. I was then going to follow him to his new city and see how things work out.

When we met at Christmas, things didn´t go too well. And we argued a fair amount.

He told me that he thinks we´re incompatible but feels a very strong physical attraction to me.

Then he would say that he´s made a mistake and that he does want to be with me really.

He just seems very confused.

His last long relationship ended badly as his wife left him. 

Now we are apart again and when we parted we said that we would try and be friends.

I said that I would really like this.

He is still texting me everyday. Not loving texts, but day to day things.

I think there is a lot of stuff he isn´t sharing with me.

He tells me that I am far more emotionally mature than him and used to talking about feelings and he isn´t.

I´m sad about the break up.

I would like to continue with him. I feel that the Christmas period was difficult as his house was full of relatives and he felt torn between spending time with them and time with me.

As he still texts me daily, I dont know whether to consider that we could still have a future. Or should I move on?

Is there anything I can do to make him open up about what´s going on?

There´s a part of me that wants to go and visit him. And I have to stop myself from suggesting this. Or should I?

Should I just ask him if it definately over.

Someone told me that a guy usually pulls away if they´ve met someone else. I asked him that and he said no. And he said it was just because we are incompatible. He started to say this after we were out shopping one day and I told him that he could maybe do with some new clothes. Which he could incidentially. But now I feel bad about that. You shouldn´t try and change a person.

So, yes I´m still in love with this guy. He projected so much about our future and I´m sad that that has all disappeared.

I´d appreciate any thoughts on this.

Thanks

 

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46 minutes ago, Anna_T said:

He told me that he thinks we´re incompatible but feels a very strong physical attraction to me.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he's too undecided to continue with.

There seems to be too many obstacles. It's very likely he is dating someone locally.

Pull back from this. He's not offering much hope for a relationship.

If you can't handle just being friends, it may be best to cut contact.

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1 hour ago, Anna_T said:

When we met at Christmas, things didn´t go too well. And we argued a fair amount.

He told me that he thinks we´re incompatible but feels a very strong physical attraction to me.

Someone told me that a guy usually pulls away if they´ve met someone else. I asked him that and he said no. And he said it was just because we are incompatible. 

I would believe him when he says this. He's not feeling it. 

It's not up to you to try to convince him that you are compatible, either; he would work on things if he wanted to. For whatever reason, he doesn't seem to want to proceed. It appears he enjoyed the whirlwind at first but realized he doesn't see this as a long-term match. 

And honestly? I would not be making plans to rearrange my life and move to a new city for a guy I'd only dated a few months, either. There's simply too much risk in doing so. Be glad you found out that he's lukewarm about you and this relationship now, and not after you'd already relocated. 

 

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You're not in love after such a small amount of time together. You care about him and like him a lot but you haven't spent enough time with him. Texts don't count.

He said you two are incompatible. That means he isn't the right man for you.

You will not find a man who IS right for you as long as you keep pining over Mr. Wrong.

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This isn't what you want to hear but I think the keys to your incompatibility might be those topics you were arguing about or don't see eye to eye on. You both don't see each other often and you can't get along in the few weeks you are together. I agree with you that the holiday season is not a good time to get to know anyone better. Maybe this was a poor choice in timing on the both of you but it's done. 

Revisit those issues you had in person with him and give yourself time to take those rose-coloured lenses off. You may still be smitten in the honeymoon stage and not able to see how incompatible he really is. He does though and that means it's time for you to respect that and move on. 

It's not a good idea to remain friends with an ex without some period or time off healing individually. Give yourself a chance to see your life without this person. I wouldn't consider him a dating option in the future. There's some past baggage there that he needs to work out (his wife leaving him). That is not easy to process. Maybe he needs to talk to someone (but I wouldn't suggest it or butt in on this issue as it's inappropriate at this point). 

Move on.... better and brighter awaits.

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you´re all so right. I know you are. Yet I´m finding it difficult to accept that after so much closeness, it´s over. For what I consider to be minor things.

But it tells me that if he wasn´t willing to get past this, then he isn´t the person for me.

I actually phoned him earlier today and he was back to cold again.

So yes, it´s over and I have to move on. What´s annoying is when you dont really know what it is that you did. But I have to accept it. So I will.

Thanks for the advice. It has helped.

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34 minutes ago, Anna_T said:

you´re all so right. I know you are. Yet I´m finding it difficult to accept that after so much closeness, it´s over. For what I consider to be minor things.

But it tells me that if he wasn´t willing to get past this, then he isn´t the person for me.

I actually phoned him earlier today and he was back to cold again.

So yes, it´s over and I have to move on. What´s annoying is when you dont really know what it is that you did. But I have to accept it. So I will.

Thanks for the advice. It has helped.

Yes, this is tough but the flip side is that... they are minor or so they seem to you and if they are minor and someone could walk away from you, this is even more reason to hold your head high and start walking. Give yourself a couple of weeks for the fog to clear. That fogginess and pain lingers for awhile but it'll lift! Give yourself time to breathe and feel at peace and happy again. 

Later on things might start to be a little clearer to you. Tell yourself that right now it might not be clear but it will be later on. Be kind to yourself, think of other things to do and stay productive. Don't let this get the better of you. For what it's worth, it sounds like you've dodged a bullet. If he reaches out to you again, let it go to voicemail or leave it on unread. There is no reason for you to stay tied or obligated to this person. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is give yourself some air and enjoy doing things that you love to do in your spare time. 

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8 hours ago, Anna_T said:

I went on a course in October and met a guy I really liked. We were a 6 weeks together every day and fell in love.

 

8 hours ago, Anna_T said:

He told me that he thinks we´re incompatible but feels a very strong physical attraction to me.

 

8 hours ago, Anna_T said:

His last long relationship ended badly as his wife left him. 

Now we are apart again and when we parted we said that we would try and be friends.

 

8 hours ago, Anna_T said:

As he still texts me daily, I dont know whether to consider that we could still have a future. Or should I move on?

Is there anything I can do to make him open up about what´s going on?

 

8 hours ago, Anna_T said:

Should I just ask him if it definately over.

 

Ahh.. so sorry you've experience this :(.

For him to just jump into you- then pull back ( with note of an ex) I say was a 'rebound'.. yah they hurt! 😞 

6 wks together & fell in love?  No.  Was just 'lust' ( love develops over time).

Don't ask him again, if it's really over.. It is.

He has told you he feels you two are not compatible - trying to be nice about it.

Move on.. he cannot give you what you want/need.

AND, if you can't handle this 'being friends & just texting', then admit it.  Say you're done, with all of it!

I am not a fan of 'trying to be friends with an ex'.. unless all ended well for both sides.

If you end everything & just make a clean break, is may be best.  Then you can actually move ahead again.

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16 hours ago, Anna_T said:

So yes, it´s over and I have to move on. What´s annoying is when you dont really know what it is that you did. But I have to accept it. So I will.

Why does it have to be something you did?

It might be that he's being honest: your personalities or lifestyles aren't compatible. That doesn't necessarily mean either of you did anything, other than be yourselves - and it didn't mesh. 

In the future, though, I would suggest you pump the brakes and not make big plans for someone  with whom you have spent such little time in person. Don't mistake love for lust, and don't make big decisions in the throes of the honeymoon stage. That "closeness" only runs so deep when you're still getting to know someone. 

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On 1/8/2021 at 6:11 AM, Anna_T said:

6 weeks together every day and fell in love.

This is too much, too soon. It's a forced-feeding, and it can cause either or both people to end up feeling suffocated--even when they've been a willing participant. It's like over-eating something you love to the degree that it makes you feel lousy.

Plus, a brand new relationship isn't a great time to introduce the whole family. That's a high-stress pressure cooker that made him pop.

I wouldn't force the issue right now. Read my sig.

Edited by catfeeder
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6 weeks isn't enough time to "fall in love", in my opinion. It's enough time to fall in lust, but it's fairly baseless as it's more about physical attraction and not much else.

Being as you have spent little time together, you're starting to see more sides of one another that you didn't see before. And he's right, you don't sound compatible.

Physical attraction and a few good chats or nice times, won't equal to a good relationship. It takes a lot more than that and being able to connect on many levels.

If you're fighting like that, it's a huge sign that you aren't going to work well together. What may not seem like huge things to you, may be huge things to him and really turned him off to the point that there is no recovering your closeness again.

It sounds like you're better off as friends and to set your romantic sights elsewhere.

Edited by SherrySher
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