Interrupters

[Hollyj]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Holly...I think you handled it well.

I also think this was a learning moment...instead of allowing the issue to build until you feel ready to "rip", maybe bring it up the second time it happens.  A true friend will appreciate your honesty and will want to work with you to preserve the friendship, as your friend did.

Thank you for your support!  I had mentioned the behavior in the moment, but I don't think that it was presented clearly.  

I used the wrong terminology.   What I meant by "let it rip" was sharing what I said here.  I would never raise my voice, or have a convo where I would embarrass or offend anyone.  I would only deliver a message the way I would want to receive it myself.  

[boltnrun]

Just now, Hollyj said:

Thank you for your support!  I had mentioned the behavior in the moment, but I don't think that it was presented clearly.  

I used the wrong terminology.   What I meant by "let it rip" was sharing what I said here.  I would never raise my voice, or have a convo where I would embarrass or offend anyone.  I would only deliver a message the way I would want to receive it myself.  

I meant, bring it up when it first becomes an issue.  I believe you said she's been doing this for several months, correct?

I had a friend (best friend from junior high school) who tended to only show up for plans when they included this guy she had a crush on.  If he wasn't coming or wasn't included she had a "migraine" or "cramps" (sometimes a migraine AND cramps!).  Every single time.  So one day our friend group didn't invite her to a get together.  She called me, crying, wondering why she'd been excluded.  I explained why.  She denied what she'd been doing but she stopped doing it.  She didn't seem to want to admit to me what she'd been doing but she changed her behavior, which led me to believe she was aware of it.  And we're still friends today.  I only let this go by for maybe six weeks.  That way it didn't build up for months and months and I was able to discuss it without a lot of emotion.

I'm glad your friendship was preserved.

[Hollyj]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I meant, bring it up when it first becomes an issue.  I believe you said she's been doing this for several months, correct?

I had a friend (best friend from junior high school) who tended to only show up for plans when they included this guy she had a crush on.  If he wasn't coming or wasn't included she had a "migraine" or "cramps" (sometimes a migraine AND cramps!).  Every single time.  So one day our friend group didn't invite her to a get together.  She called me, crying, wondering why she'd been excluded.  I explained why.  She denied what she'd been doing but she stopped doing it.  She didn't seem to want to admit to me what she'd been doing but she changed her behavior, which led me to believe she was aware of it.  And we're still friends today.  I only let this go by for maybe six weeks.  That way it didn't build up for months and months and I was able to discuss it without a lot of emotion.

I'm glad your friendship was preserved.

The thing is, I had brought the stuff up in the moment.  

I think I had to have a serious sit down.  I still don't understand why it hadn't been absorbed in the past, but it hadn't

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, Hollyj said:

When we met last night, the first question she asked was about my mom.  I told her I preferred not to speak about my mother, and I could tell that she was confused but accepted it- I kept hearing Seraphim telling me not to bring it up on the b-day .  We continued with the convo with no interruptions.   About midway through the meal she asked about my mom again, saying she was concerned.   I let everything rip.   She was mortified about her behavior.  She apologized profusely and said her intention was to be helpful, but sees that it was the opposite.  She even questioned who else she may be doing this to.   She recognized that she needs to listen and be supportive and not project her own ideas.   I then added the bit about bringing up a topic I do not want to discuss.  I asked her if she did not respect how I was running my life, and how disrespectful and controlling  her behavior  was.  I let her have it on everything.   In the end, she said how much she values my views  and friendship, and thanked me for telling her, as she believes it will make our relationship stronger.

 I asked if there was anything that I had done.  It was how I had reacted to something, and this was a result of my anger towards her.  I apologized.   She sent a thank you, and again apologized for her behavior.  

I'm glad it worked out for you.  It sounds like she is a good friend since she had the humility to back down and sincerely apologize to you.  Hopefully, she will be good on her word, change for real from this day forward, her changed behavior will become permanent for you and a great improvement. 

You are fortunate that she is mature, empathetic and emotionally intelligent.  Whenever I've attempted to do what you did by speaking up or confronting issues with people in my midst, it sorely backfired.   I was gaslighted to death, labeled "a loose cannon" and called every purely evil name in the book.  They cut me off and I am the one who had to ridiculously grovel in order to get back into their good graces.  I still need certain people in my life such as local relatives and in-laws as "their money talks."  Some parts of their characters are good whereas other parts of their characters are rather disgusting.  They're package deals.  I can't control them.  However, I benefit from them monetarily.  I've since learned how to navigate myself shrewdly.  It works.  My advice to myself:  Keep my friends close and my enemies closer.  🙂

This is why I don't risk "dipping my toe back into the water" anymore with people in my life.  I'm polite toward them albeit keep them at arm's length.   I keep the peace by playing by MY rules from now on.  Once bitten, twice shy. 

Nonetheless, I'm glad your talk with her did you a lot of good.  We should all be so lucky!

[reinventmyself]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Holly...I think you handled it well.

I also think this was a learning moment...instead of allowing the issue to build until you feel ready to "rip", maybe bring it up the second time it happens.  A true friend will appreciate your honesty and will want to work with you to preserve the friendship, as your friend did.

And if you are Holly's close friend you probably aren't surprised by her direct delivery.  I doubt she would have pressed for answers if she didn't want to hear them.

[Hollyj]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm glad it worked out for you.  It sounds like she is a good friend since she had the humility to back down and sincerely apologize to you.  Hopefully, she will be good on her word, change for real from this day forward, her changed behavior will become permanent for you and a great improvement. 

You are fortunate that she is mature, empathetic and emotionally intelligent.  Whenever I've attempted to do what you did by speaking up or confronting issues with people in my midst, it sorely backfired.   I was gaslighted to death, labeled "a loose cannon" and called every purely evil name in the book.  They cut me off and I am the one who had to ridiculously grovel in order to get back into their good graces.  I still need certain people in my life such as local relatives and in-laws as "their money talks."  Some parts of their characters are good whereas other parts of their characters are rather disgusting.  They're package deals.  I can't control them.  However, I benefit from them monetarily.  I've since learned how to navigate myself shrewdly.  It works.  My advice to myself:  Keep my friends close and my enemies closer.  🙂

This is why I don't risk "dipping my toe back into the water" anymore with people in my life.  I'm polite toward them albeit keep them at arm's length.   I keep the peace by playing by MY rules from now on.  Once bitten, twice shy. 

Nonetheless, I'm glad your talk with her did you a lot of good.  We should all be so lucky!

I can relate.   I have had people deflect and others who excuse their own behavior, and I know that they are not true friends- they are no longer around.  I had an idea of how things would go last night, and after she pressed me for answers, I told her.   I told her that I did not want to discuss something serious on her birthday, but she said she wanted to hear it, as she could feel something was off.  I told her everything that I had stressed  in this thread.   

It is so frustrating when folks respond in this manner, especially if you have to deal with them (your family)   I am sorry that they treated you so poorly.   It sounds like this method works well for you.  

[Cynder]

I haven't read all the replies and I know this thread is over a week old.  But I can't stand being constantly interrupted.  When I was a kid that was something my parents were big on.  So when someone interrupts me multiple times I just stop talking.  Clearly what I was saying isn't that important to them, so why finish?

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

I can relate.   I have had people deflect and others who excuse their own behavior, and I know that they are not true friends- they are no longer around.  I had an idea of how things would go last night, and after she pressed me for answers, I told her.   I told her that I did not want to discuss something serious on her birthday, but she said she wanted to hear it, as she could feel something was off.  I told her everything that I had stressed  in this thread.   

It is so frustrating when folks respond in this manner, especially if you have to deal with them (your family)   I am sorry that they treated you so poorly.   It sounds like this method works well for you.  

Thanks, Hollyj.  It's great that she won't broach uncomfortable subjects with you anymore.  However, what are you  to do if she or anyone continues to interrupt you in the future?   What is your course of action?

Thank you for your kind words regarding my relatives and in-laws.  Some of them behave decently whereas others are inconsiderate, rude and complex.   I can't win so I simply don't bother by leaving them alone.

There are harsh consequences in this life.  I've always believed that if people behave with kindness, I'll return the favor tenfold, go the extra mile and knock myself out for them.  If they habitually and chronically disrespect me in any way, shape or form, I don't retaliate.  I take the passive aggressive route by permanently pulling away and withdrawing.  I don't trust them anymore due to their 'out of whack' behaviors.  It's only a matter of time before they'll repeat their unpredictable yet predictable stunts again.  That's the part where my former trust in them died.  Suddenly, I've lost my desire to play "Miss Nice."  Relationships with perpetrators dredge up bad memories of insult, pain and betrayal.  My bad memories are quite vivid.  I don't feel like exchanging electronic correspondence, chat on the phone, socialize virtually nor in person. If we are together (pre or post-pandemic), I make sure engaging in conversations with them are brief, well mannered,  infrequent, peaceful, civil yet distant.  I can't and won't give of myself anymore than that and even then it's a stretch.  In other words, I only do the bare minimum at best.  There is no other way as I've exhausted all other avenues to no avail.  That's my way of enforcing boundaries and doing whatever it takes to protect myself and go in survival mode.  I don't set myself up for disaster anymore.  Naivete is no more. 

[Hollyj]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Thanks, Hollyj.  It's great that she won't broach uncomfortable subjects with you anymore.  However, what are you  to do if she or anyone continues to interrupt you in the future?   What is your course of action?

Thank you for your kind words regarding my relatives and in-laws.  Some of them behave decently whereas others are inconsiderate, rude and complex.   I can't win so I simply don't bother by leaving them alone.

There are harsh consequences in this life.  I've always believed that if people behave with kindness, I'll return the favor tenfold, go the extra mile and knock myself out for them.  If they habitually and chronically disrespect me in any way, shape or form, I don't retaliate.  I take the passive aggressive route by permanently pulling away and withdrawing.  I don't trust them anymore due to their 'out of whack' behaviors.  It's only a matter of time before they'll repeat their unpredictable yet predictable stunts again.  That's the part where my former trust in them died.  Suddenly, I've lost my desire to play "Miss Nice."  Relationships with perpetrators dredge up bad memories of insult, pain and betrayal.  My bad memories are quite vivid.  I don't feel like exchanging electronic correspondence, chat on the phone, socialize virtually nor in person. If we are together (pre or post-pandemic), I make sure engaging in conversations with them are brief, well mannered,  infrequent, peaceful, civil yet distant.  I can't and won't give of myself anymore than that and even then it's a stretch.  In other words, I only do the bare minimum at best.  There is no other way as I've exhausted all other avenues to no avail.  That's my way of enforcing boundaries and doing whatever it takes to protect myself and go in survival mode.  I don't set myself up for disaster anymore.  Naivete is no more. 

For my friends it hasn't really been a problem.   Two friends I know can be quite chatty and interrupt, but I let it go, as I they are dear and simply get excited and get carried away.  One guy is part of a friend group, he can be a bit annoying.  I liked your idea- a few others also suggested- about  continuing to  speak when he interrupts.   He has gotten much better, as I stopped feeding into his crap.   I no longer allow him to bother me and tell him he is being disrespectful- he has been told this by many.   He shuts up, when you come from a place of calm.  These folks can feed off of a reaction.

I think you are smart and do things for self protection.  I do not see that as passive aggressive.   I do the same as you, as some times it is impossible to avoid these people, but I refuse to give them any more of myself: I am indifferent and don't care.   

[journeynow]

On 1/14/2021 at 7:13 PM, Hollyj said:

I can relate.   I have had people deflect and others who excuse their own behavior, and I know that they are not true friends- they are no longer around.  I had an idea of how things would go last night, and after she pressed me for answers, I told her.   I told her that I did not want to discuss something serious on her birthday, but she said she wanted to hear it, as she could feel something was off.  I told her everything that I had stressed  in this thread.   

It is so frustrating when folks respond in this manner, especially if you have to deal with them (your family)   I am sorry that they treated you so poorly.   It sounds like this method works well for you.  

Holly, I appreciate that you did this, and how you did it. It gave her the opportunity to learn something in the relationship, and gives the relationship the opportunity to grow from it.

I know if I lacked self-awareness about an annoying practice, I would rather a friend talk to me than drop the relationship and leaving me guessing at the reasons. It is helpful information, depending on what it is about and how it is offered.