Interrupters

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Funny, I usually have little tolerance for bad behavior-  I have a very good friend circle.  This individual has been a very good friend,  but it has turned disrespectful as of late.  Her b day is tomorrow and I am supposed to take her to dinner on Wednesday.  

You're awfully gracious for treating her to dinner on Wednesday. 

You can't change people by lecturing them nor requesting them to cease interrupting you.  They'll continue to interrupt you anyway.  Or, if they behave, they'll temporarily cease interrupting you and then revert back to their chronic, old habits of interrupting you at random or repeatedly to no avail.

Teach her a lesson by not stopping yourself during mid-sentence should she interrupt you.  If she interrupts you as usual, keep talking and finish your sentences.  Repeat this strategy until she catches on that every time she interrupts, you will not give her permission to interrupt you.  People interrupt you because they force you to stop talking and you allow them to interrupt you.  Don't back down.  Your trick is to wear her down until she realizes that her interruptions will never succeed.  If she initiates talking over you, continue talking over her by finishing your sentences.  Repeat however many times necessary.   I've done this with several people in my life and they've learned not to interrupt me.  If they interrupt me again, I engage in the same repeated tactic until they learn how to behave with good manners. 

Note, I'm not suggesting that you ever interrupt her.  Only speak when it is your turn to speak.  However, don't stop talking just because she interrupts you.  Continue your sentence(s) despite her interruptions, finish, pause and then she's allowed to talk in that order. 

Repeat ad nauseum.  She'll find out sooner or later that you are seriously commanding respect.  If she disrespects you by interrupting you, then disrespect her back by not stopping in your tracks every time she talks over you.  Be tough.  Let her know what it feels like to be disrespected. 

Also, don't confide in her anymore.  Keep a safe distance and know your boundaries with her.  Don't get personal.  Keep your conversations (phone, in person, electronic correspondence, etc.) superficial and light chit chat stuff; no more, no less.  Learn to back off.  She's been demoted from friend to an acquaintance.  Better safe than sorry.  Become astute and shrewd for your own survival and sanity.

 

[Hollyj]

11 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You're awfully gracious for treating her to dinner on Wednesday. 

You can't change people by lecturing them nor requesting them to cease interrupting you.  They'll continue to interrupt you anyway.  Or, if they behave, they'll temporarily cease interrupting you and then revert back to their chronic, old habits of interrupting you at random or repeatedly to no avail.

Teach her a lesson by not stopping yourself during mid-sentence should she interrupt you.  If she interrupts you as usual, keep talking and finish your sentences.  Repeat this strategy until she catches on that every time she interrupts, you will not give her permission to interrupt you.  People interrupt you because they force you to stop talking and you allow them to interrupt you.  Don't back down.  Your trick is to wear her down until she realizes that her interruptions will never succeed.  If she initiates talking over you, continue talking over her by finishing your sentences.  Repeat however many times necessary.   I've done this with several people in my life and they've learned not to interrupt me.  If they interrupt me again, I engage in the same repeated tactic until they learn how to behave with good manners. 

Note, I'm not suggesting that you ever interrupt her.  Only speak when it is your turn to speak.  However, don't stop talking just because she interrupts you.  Continue your sentence(s) despite her interruptions, finish, pause and then she's allowed to talk in that order. 

Repeat ad nauseum.  She'll find out sooner or later that you are seriously commanding respect.  If she disrespects you by interrupting you, then disrespect her back by not stopping in your tracks every time she talks over you.  Be tough.  Let her know what it feels like to be disrespected. 

Also, don't confide in her anymore.  Keep a safe distance and know your boundaries with her.  Don't get personal.  Keep your conversations (phone, in person, electronic correspondence, etc.) superficial and light chit chat stuff; no more, no less.  Learn to back off.  She's been demoted from friend to an acquaintance.  Better safe than sorry.  Become astute and shrewd for your own survival and sanity.

 

The problem is, is she wasn’t like this before. 
I think you have given a lot of valid advice. I will follow it . Thank you! 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Also, don't confide in her anymore.  Keep a safe distance and know your boundaries with her.  Don't get personal.  Keep your conversations (phone, in person, electronic correspondence, etc.) superficial and light chit chat stuff; no more, no less.  Learn to back off.  She's been demoted from friend to acquaintance

I had to do this. It worked very well -I think she "noticed" but didn't say anything.  A few years later she apologized for her last straw comment.  Indirectly - she referenced what she'd said (which was basically -again a last straw comment - telling me that it wasn't a big deal at all for me to go back to work part time after 7 years of being a full time mom, not a big deal to arrange child care or all the other stuff about transitioning back -no she doesn't have a child) - and said that she empathized etc with parents who return to work and have young children.  But it was too little too late for me -damage done.  I took care of me and I agree you should take care of you even if she wasn't like this before.  Now she is. 

[Hollyj]

51 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I had to do this. It worked very well -I think she "noticed" but didn't say anything.  A few years later she apologized for her last straw comment.  Indirectly - she referenced what she'd said (which was basically -again a last straw comment - telling me that it wasn't a big deal at all for me to go back to work part time after 7 years of being a full time mom, not a big deal to arrange child care or all the other stuff about transitioning back -no she doesn't have a child) - and said that she empathized etc with parents who return to work and have young children.  But it was too little too late for me -damage done.  I took care of me and I agree you should take care of you even if she wasn't like this before.  Now she is. 

Isn't it ridiculous that people have to go these lengths.  

I'm sorry that your friend was also an insensitive jerk.   Being a parent is very difficult, especially a single parent, as there are so many challenges that are recognized by others.   It's good that she is no longer in your life.  

[Hollyj]

12 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

You're awfully gracious for treating her to dinner on Wednesday. 

You can't change people by lecturing them nor requesting them to cease interrupting you.  They'll continue to interrupt you anyway.  Or, if they behave, they'll temporarily cease interrupting you and then revert back to their chronic, old habits of interrupting you at random or repeatedly to no avail.

Teach her a lesson by not stopping yourself during mid-sentence should she interrupt you.  If she interrupts you as usual, keep talking and finish your sentences.  Repeat this strategy until she catches on that every time she interrupts, you will not give her permission to interrupt you.  People interrupt you because they force you to stop talking and you allow them to interrupt you.  Don't back down.  Your trick is to wear her down until she realizes that her interruptions will never succeed.  If she initiates talking over you, continue talking over her by finishing your sentences.  Repeat however many times necessary.   I've done this with several people in my life and they've learned not to interrupt me.  If they interrupt me again, I engage in the same repeated tactic until they learn how to behave with good manners. 

Note, I'm not suggesting that you ever interrupt her.  Only speak when it is your turn to speak.  However, don't stop talking just because she interrupts you.  Continue your sentence(s) despite her interruptions, finish, pause and then she's allowed to talk in that order. 

Repeat ad nauseum.  She'll find out sooner or later that you are seriously commanding respect.  If she disrespects you by interrupting you, then disrespect her back by not stopping in your tracks every time she talks over you.  Be tough.  Let her know what it feels like to be disrespected. 

Also, don't confide in her anymore.  Keep a safe distance and know your boundaries with her.  Don't get personal.  Keep your conversations (phone, in person, electronic correspondence, etc.) superficial and light chit chat stuff; no more, no less.  Learn to back off.  She's been demoted from friend to an acquaintance.  Better safe than sorry.  Become astute and shrewd for your own survival and sanity.

 

Out of curiosity, how long did it take for this individual to catch on?   

[Batya33]

I think it was over time - better part of a year - because she finally got a job after a long period of unemployment and was busier.  But she sensed that my communication with her was far less personal.  After awhile I started slowly opening up more again which is when she indirectly "apologized".  We're barely in touch now -she became more and more distant/unresponsive and I was actually creeped out when I saw her on a zoom reunion for a school we attended together many years ago.  I'm keeping my distance.  She now likes a lot of my comments on FB and if she actually reaches out to me I'll respond.  I was the last one to be in touch.

[Hollyj]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it was over time - better part of a year - because she finally got a job after a long period of unemployment and was busier.  But she sensed that my communication with her was far less personal.  After awhile I started slowly opening up more again which is when she indirectly "apologized".  We're barely in touch now -she became more and more distant/unresponsive and I was actually creeped out when I saw her on a zoom reunion for a school we attended together many years ago.  I'm keeping my distance.  She now likes a lot of my comments on FB and if she actually reaches out to me I'll respond.  I was the last one to be in touch.

It is so strange how things can change like this.   Is it us, or them?   Are we less tolerant of bad behavior, or have they suddenly developed an issue with us?    Do you have mutual friends?

[Batya33]

Just now, Hollyj said:

It is so strange how things can change like this.   Is it us, or them?   Are we less tolerant of bad behavior, or have they suddenly developed an issue with us?    Do you have mutual friends?

I think it's a hodge podge and we sort of had mutual acquaintances but no one I would talk to about this.  Also sometimes I have developed friendships where I already know there is a risk based on that person's personality/behavior - I just keep an eye out for it.  Interestingly in one case she basically dumped me a couple of years ago.  I attributed it to something that had happened with my son the last time we saw each other.  But I didn't know.  Last week  - years later -I was chatting with a mutual friend.  And for the first time in a long time we chatted even more than surface.  I'd never mentioned the dumper to her as I did not want to gossip.  She asked me if I was in touch with a group of women including dumper.  So I replied, factually that dumper no longer spoke to me.  She wrote back to me immediately that dumper dumped her too a couple of years ago and that she wasn't surprised. I was shocked.  I really want to know more but the risk of gossip/making her uncomfortable just isn't worth it.  My example though shows you that our assumptions might be entirely wrong - on both sides -maybe I was completely wrong as to why she dumped me. 

Another friend went MIA for well over a year -I reached out to her during the pandemic remembering it was her son's 18th bday and that he'd be off to college.  She replied and we "got back together" -she told me she'd gotten overwhelmed with life and apologized for going MIA.  Again I weighed both sides -it was not ok for her to go MIA at all.  On the other hand she's a great person so I'm back in touch but being careful not to get too attached.  I'd assumed that I must have offended her but apparently not.  We're all in our 50s by the way.

[Hollyj]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's a hodge podge and we sort of had mutual acquaintances but no one I would talk to about this.  Also sometimes I have developed friendships where I already know there is a risk based on that person's personality/behavior - I just keep an eye out for it.  Interestingly in one case she basically dumped me a couple of years ago.  I attributed it to something that had happened with my son the last time we saw each other.  But I didn't know.  Last week  - years later -I was chatting with a mutual friend.  And for the first time in a long time we chatted even more than surface.  I'd never mentioned the dumper to her as I did not want to gossip.  She asked me if I was in touch with a group of women including dumper.  So I replied, factually that dumper no longer spoke to me.  She wrote back to me immediately that dumper dumped her too a couple of years ago and that she wasn't surprised. I was shocked.  I really want to know more but the risk of gossip/making her uncomfortable just isn't worth it.  My example though shows you that our assumptions might be entirely wrong - on both sides -maybe I was completely wrong as to why she dumped me. 

Another friend went MIA for well over a year -I reached out to her during the pandemic remembering it was her son's 18th bday and that he'd be off to college.  She replied and we "got back together" -she told me she'd gotten overwhelmed with life and apologized for going MIA.  Again I weighed both sides -it was not ok for her to go MIA at all.  On the other hand she's a great person so I'm back in touch but being careful not to get too attached.  I'd assumed that I must have offended her but apparently not.  We're all in our 50s by the way.

I never share with mutual friends, it is always between that person, and me.   I asked, as I was curious if others had distanced themselves from her.   

I had to laugh at the "50s" comment.   It seems that we are still in junior high at times. 

Some folks I reconnect with every few years, and it is like we never stopped, but there wasn't any weird stuff.   With some, you can't get it back.   

[reinventmyself]

I have found that the response I get from any particular friend will be influenced by whatever is going on in their life.

example -  One friend who hasn't had much luck dating.  I've learned to never go to her for support when it comes to men. I can expect negative (useless) advice that is merely a projection of everything wrong in her world.  Followed by being flipped on the mat and making it all about her and her man hating dating woes.  lol

The next friend, happily married.  Same exact conversation, I can expect a supportive and  unbiased feedback.

You've alluded to it.  Wondering what it is currently going on in her world.  And adding she wasn't always this way.  Maybe now is just not the time to confide in her.  

[boltnrun]

Holly, you're well known here for your blunt, to the point assessments and advice.  You usually have very brief responses.

What would be your two sentence response to someone posting what you've posted?

BTW, this is not at all a criticism of your posting style.  I too tend to be blunt and to the point although I am more wordy LOL.

[maritalbliss86]

4 hours ago, Hollyj said:

The problem is, is she wasn’t like this before. 

It sounds very strange, and so awful to be in your position in this situation.

Do you wonder if she's having some kind of mental health thing?  Because it just sounds so odd if she's never been like that before.

[Hollyj]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Holly, you're well known here for your blunt, to the point assessments and advice.  You usually have very brief responses.

What would be your two sentence response to someone posting what you've posted?

BTW, this is not at all a criticism of your posting style.  I too tend to be blunt and to the point although I am more wordy LOL.

You are spot on.   I did not take it as a criticism.  

Valid question.   I would hope that I would advise that a serious convo needs to take place, as this has escalated in a short period and the individual has been a good friend for years.   If it falls on deaf ears, or continues, to move on.   

[Hollyj]

7 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It sounds very strange, and so awful to be in your position in this situation.

Do you wonder if she's having some kind of mental health thing?  Because it just sounds so odd if she's never been like that before.

The thing about bringing up  a topic that I have asked her not to bring up, has been going on for a while-she hadn't mentioned the topic in over 6 months.  The bit about her responses to personal issues has escalated.    I can remember her doing it once several years back, now it is  happening more frequently.  The interrupting has increased within the last 5 months.  

[maritalbliss86]

10 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

The thing about bringing up  a topic that I have asked her not to bring up, has been going on for a while-she hadn't mentioned the topic in over 6 months.  The bit about her responses to personal issues has escalated.    I can remember her doing it once several years back, now it is  happening more frequently.  The interrupting has increased within the last 5 months.  

Wow.  Even if you do talk to her, it may not be salvageable.  Sad!

[Hollyj]

15 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Wow.  Even if you do talk to her, it may not be salvageable.  Sad!

I agree.  I look at my close friends as an extension of family.   It's just my mother and I, and so these folks are important to me.   But, we always have to look out for ourselves, and if someone is making us uncomfortable by overstepping boundaries, its time to move on.

[Cherylyn]

7 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Out of curiosity, how long did it take for this individual to catch on?   

For one individual, it took many times over the course of days, weeks and even months if we hadn't chatted in a while.  It didn't matter to me whether she learned not to interrupt or not because my point was if she interrupted me consistently, I'd return the favor each and every time.  Since conversations were confusing, frustrating and garbled with both of us talking over each other simultaneously, the silver lining or blessing in disguise was, she decided to end the call much to my relief and delight.  Also, since none of us could hear each other because we both drowned each other out (by talking over each other), I couldn't hear any unpleasant dialogue from her and she was unable to broach uncomfortable subjects with me.  Ignorance was bliss in that regard.  If we were together, we'd part ways and I was glad because I'm very busy. 

I've had another person say, "You're talking over me!" To which I replied, "I'm doing what you do to me."  Then there was a pause.  She spoke while I remained silent.  Then she paused.  Then I spoke next and guess what?  She interrupted me yet again!  Therefore, I repeated the same scenario.  I did not stop to allow her to interrupt me so I continued my sentences as we both talked over each other simultaneously.  Out of frustration, this person decided to end the call which was fine with me. 

These types of interrupters will realize that every time they have a conversation with you, they will get nowhere.   They'll drift apart and fade away.  Interrupters won't bother you anymore if they associate you with unpleasant memories.

As for your friend changing to become a friend whom you no longer respect, it happens.  People either change for the better or for the worse.  

People including friends and family changed for the worse.  I've noticed that whenever a person has a good life with light or no troubles,  tend to behave normally.  They're gracious, kind, respectful, considerate, trustworthy, very moral, empathetic, possess integrity and solid values of decency and common courtesy.  

I've known people who were originally good people.  When their lives went awry in bad ways, they became overwhelmed with misery, corrupted, tainted, pained, had poor health, money woes, were in very bad relationships and the whole lot.  Psychosis set in.  They don't have brain space to be gracious nor think of anyone except their insurmountable woes.  They'll take their misery, frustrations and loss of control out on you!  It's nothing I hadn't been on the receiving end before.  I have compassion and pray for them while I back off.  I let them live their life however they see fit.  I don't want to engage nor be with people who are unrewarding to me.  I don't benefit from being with people who aren't nice to me.  

I've also been with people who again were originally good but changed in wicked ways.  They became deceitful in order to meet their own ends.  They basically threw me and my loved ones under the bus.  I've been lied to and betrayed.    

I don't deal with despicable people anymore.  I'm done.  I've since learned to walk away and stay away.  I prefer to be alone than feel lonely with people who don't treat me right.  I've also become very picky and choosy with who deserves to be in my life and who doesn't qualify.  Over time, you will build your self confidence and feel secure. I'm not so emotional anymore because emotion clouds one's judgment.  Become astute and shrewd because this is how you protect yourself and feel safe.   It feels very liberating indeed.

Be kind to yourself and treat yourself right.  Surround yourself with only high quality people.  Everyone else is a reject. 

[Hollyj]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

For one individual, it took many times over the course of days, weeks and even months if we hadn't chatted in a while.  It didn't matter to me whether she learned not to interrupt or not because my point was if she interrupted me consistently, I'd return the favor each and every time.  Since conversations were confusing, frustrating and garbled with both of us talking over each other simultaneously, the silver lining or blessing in disguise was, she decided to end the call much to my relief and delight.  Also, since none of us could hear each other because we both drowned each other out (by talking over each other), I couldn't hear any unpleasant dialogue from her and she was unable to broach uncomfortable subjects with me.  Ignorance was bliss in that regard.  If we were together, we'd part ways and I was glad because I'm very busy. 

I've had another person say, "You're talking over me!" To which I replied, "I'm doing what you do to me."  Then there was a pause.  She spoke while I remained silent.  Then she paused.  Then I spoke next and guess what?  She interrupted me yet again!  Therefore, I repeated the same scenario.  I did not stop to allow her to interrupt me so I continued my sentences as we both talked over each other simultaneously.  Out of frustration, this person decided to end the call which was fine with me. 

These types of interrupters will realize that every time they have a conversation with you, they will get nowhere.   They'll drift apart and fade away.  Interrupters won't bother you anymore if they associate you with unpleasant memories.

As for your friend changing to become a friend whom you no longer respect, it happens.  People either change for the better or for the worse.  

People including friends and family changed for the worse.  I've noticed that whenever a person has a good life with light or no troubles,  tend to behave normally.  They're gracious, kind, respectful, considerate, trustworthy, very moral, empathetic, possess integrity and solid values of decency and common courtesy.  

I've known people who were originally good people.  When their lives went awry in bad ways, they became overwhelmed with misery, corrupted, tainted, pained, had poor health, money woes, were in very bad relationships and the whole lot.  Psychosis set in.  They don't have brain space to be gracious nor think of anyone except their insurmountable woes.  They'll take their misery, frustrations and loss of control out on you!  It's nothing I hadn't been on the receiving end before.  I have compassion and pray for them while I back off.  I let them live their life however they see fit.  I don't want to engage nor be with people who are unrewarding to me.  I don't benefit from being with people who aren't nice to me.  

I've also been with people who again were originally good but changed in wicked ways.  They became deceitful in order to meet their own ends.  They basically threw me and my loved ones under the bus.  I've been lied to and betrayed.    

I don't deal with despicable people anymore.  I'm done.  I've since learned to walk away and stay away.  I prefer to be alone than feel lonely with people who don't treat me right.  I've also become very picky and choosy with who deserves to be in my life and who doesn't qualify.  Over time, you will build your self confidence and feel secure. I'm not so emotional anymore because emotion clouds one's judgment.  Become astute and shrewd because this is how you protect yourself and feel safe.   It feels very liberating indeed.

Be kind to yourself and treat yourself right.  Surround yourself with only high quality people.  Everyone else is a reject. 

LOL!   Those  must have been some convos

Believe me, I tolerate very little.  Unfortunately, I can be quite quick to make changes.  Looking back, I made the right decision, but most would not have reacted as quickly as I had.  My self confidence is in check, and I am lucky to be blessed with many good friends.   I had to take a step back with this one, due to the fact that she has been a trusted and supportive friend.   The talk will happen within the week, and if I need to walk, I will.   

[Cherylyn]

17 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

LOL!   Those  must have been some convos

Believe me, I tolerate very little.  Unfortunately, I can be quite quick to make changes.  Looking back, I made the right decision, but most would not have reacted as quickly as I had.  My self confidence is in check, and I am lucky to be blessed with many good friends.   I had to take a step back with this one, due to the fact that she has been a trusted and supportive friend.   The talk will happen within the week, and if I need to walk, I will.   

Yes, those were some convos indeed.  If it were a SNL skit, it would've been hilarious for someone to observe.

I'm more passive aggressive when I cut people loose.  The minute there's a red flag or something is amiss, I back off.  I don't want to be with said person anymore, period.  I don't wish to exchange electronic correspondence (text, message, emails, voicemails, etc.), chat on the phone, interact on social media nor socialize in person.  I'm out.  I don't feel like it anymore and have since lost all desire.  I politely decline because why would I want to be with a person who doesn't respect me?  It wouldn't make sense.  I check out.

Never waste your time, energy and resources on people who don't treat you as if you matter. 

 

[Hollyj]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes, those were some convos indeed.  If it were a SNL skit, it would've been hilarious for someone to observe.

I'm more passive aggressive when I cut people loose.  The minute there's a red flag or something is amiss, I back off.  I don't want to be with said person anymore, period.  I don't wish to exchange electronic correspondence (text, message, emails, voicemails, etc.), chat on the phone, interact on social media nor socialize in person.  I'm out.  I don't feel like it anymore and have since lost all desire.  I politely decline because why would I want to be with a person who doesn't respect me?  It wouldn't make sense.  I check out.

Never waste your time, energy and resources on people who don't treat you as if you matter. 

 

I am direct if I value them.  If I don't have a lot of history, or it is a casual friend, I'm gone.  I don't waste my time.  

[Hollyj]

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

For one individual, it took many times over the course of days, weeks and even months if we hadn't chatted in a while.  It didn't matter to me whether she learned not to interrupt or not because my point was if she interrupted me consistently, I'd return the favor each and every time.  Since conversations were confusing, frustrating and garbled with both of us talking over each other simultaneously, the silver lining or blessing in disguise was, she decided to end the call much to my relief and delight.  Also, since none of us could hear each other because we both drowned each other out (by talking over each other), I couldn't hear any unpleasant dialogue from her and she was unable to broach uncomfortable subjects with me.  Ignorance was bliss in that regard.  If we were together, we'd part ways and I was glad because I'm very busy. 

I've had another person say, "You're talking over me!" To which I replied, "I'm doing what you do to me."  Then there was a pause.  She spoke while I remained silent.  Then she paused.  Then I spoke next and guess what?  She interrupted me yet again!  Therefore, I repeated the same scenario.  I did not stop to allow her to interrupt me so I continued my sentences as we both talked over each other simultaneously.  Out of frustration, this person decided to end the call which was fine with me. 

These types of interrupters will realize that every time they have a conversation with you, they will get nowhere.   They'll drift apart and fade away.  Interrupters won't bother you anymore if they associate you with unpleasant memories.

As for your friend changing to become a friend whom you no longer respect, it happens.  People either change for the better or for the worse.  

People including friends and family changed for the worse.  I've noticed that whenever a person has a good life with light or no troubles,  tend to behave normally.  They're gracious, kind, respectful, considerate, trustworthy, very moral, empathetic, possess integrity and solid values of decency and common courtesy.  

I've known people who were originally good people.  When their lives went awry in bad ways, they became overwhelmed with misery, corrupted, tainted, pained, had poor health, money woes, were in very bad relationships and the whole lot.  Psychosis set in.  They don't have brain space to be gracious nor think of anyone except their insurmountable woes.  They'll take their misery, frustrations and loss of control out on you!  It's nothing I hadn't been on the receiving end before.  I have compassion and pray for them while I back off.  I let them live their life however they see fit.  I don't want to engage nor be with people who are unrewarding to me.  I don't benefit from being with people who aren't nice to me.  

I've also been with people who again were originally good but changed in wicked ways.  They became deceitful in order to meet their own ends.  They basically threw me and my loved ones under the bus.  I've been lied to and betrayed.    

I don't deal with despicable people anymore.  I'm done.  I've since learned to walk away and stay away.  I prefer to be alone than feel lonely with people who don't treat me right.  I've also become very picky and choosy with who deserves to be in my life and who doesn't qualify.  Over time, you will build your self confidence and feel secure. I'm not so emotional anymore because emotion clouds one's judgment.  Become astute and shrewd because this is how you protect yourself and feel safe.   It feels very liberating indeed.

Be kind to yourself and treat yourself right.  Surround yourself with only high quality people.  Everyone else is a reject. 

What happened in the situations with the "wicked" folks?

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I have compassion and pray for them while I back off.  I let them live their life however they see fit.  I don't want to engage nor be with people who are unrewarding to me.  I don't benefit from being with people who aren't nice to me.  

I agree with this - you can show compassion and also take care of yourself by staying away.  Holly -I had to act in this way in the last few days and it's a newer way for me to react - someone I've known for a few years who is much younger than me but we have a lot in common otherwise - I cut her slack for a couple of things and then she started a parenting blog.  I subscribed and realized some of it really rubbed me the wrong way.  I subscribed to her new facebook page.  She posted a meme that rubbed me the wrong way.  I didn't post on her page about it.  I emailed her about it.  Privately. 

She reacted badly and also instructed me that because she is uber-sensitive about what she writes on her blog -apparently it is cathartic and she has social anxiety -she only wants positive comments on her blog (I've always been positive on her blog, commented very little).  Most parenting blogs I know of want the good bad and ugly as far as comments - not bad as in offensive or harassing but sure -critique, questions, disagreement.

  She also keeps getting kicked off Facebook both personally and her page - she claims she is hacked, etc but there's some fishy stuff including her husband being a recovering drug addict.  I give you all these details because my past self would have hung in there and made excuses because I don't know maybe I liked being the hero type.  I unsubscribed from her "I'd be walking on eggshells" blog, unfollowed her FB page.  Ended things on email diplomatically.  Then she sent me a new friend request.  Changed her last name to her middle name -apparently got kicked off again (so odd -she posts only normal stuff).  And -I declined. 

This was big for me - especially since she likely will post her blog on another FB group we are both on.  I tell you this because sometimes we really have to take a hard line.... with ourselves.  Cheryln seems to have come to that place over time -I don't want to speak for her but it seems to me she may have hung in there too long in the past (as I have) with detrimental results to her personal well being.  It's not always intuitive and doesn't always feel good to cut people off.  It's awkward too.  For me anyway.  But I think the effort is worth it which is why I quoted Cherlyn.

[Hollyj]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with this - you can show compassion and also take care of yourself by staying away.  Holly -I had to act in this way in the last few days and it's a newer way for me to react - someone I've known for a few years who is much younger than me but we have a lot in common otherwise - I cut her slack for a couple of things and then she started a parenting blog.  I subscribed and realized some of it really rubbed me the wrong way.  I subscribed to her new facebook page.  She posted a meme that rubbed me the wrong way.  I didn't post on her page about it.  I emailed her about it.  Privately. 

She reacted badly and also instructed me that because she is uber-sensitive about what she writes on her blog -apparently it is cathartic and she has social anxiety -she only wants positive comments on her blog (I've always been positive on her blog, commented very little).  Most parenting blogs I know of want the good bad and ugly as far as comments - not bad as in offensive or harassing but sure -critique, questions, disagreement.

  She also keeps getting kicked off Facebook both personally and her page - she claims she is hacked, etc but there's some fishy stuff including her husband being a recovering drug addict.  I give you all these details because my past self would have hung in there and made excuses because I don't know maybe I liked being the hero type.  I unsubscribed from her "I'd be walking on eggshells" blog, unfollowed her FB page.  Ended things on email diplomatically.  Then she sent me a new friend request.  Changed her last name to her middle name -apparently got kicked off again (so odd -she posts only normal stuff).  And -I declined. 

This was big for me - especially since she likely will post her blog on another FB group we are both on.  I tell you this because sometimes we really have to take a hard line.... with ourselves.  Cheryln seems to have come to that place over time -I don't want to speak for her but it seems to me she may have hung in there too long in the past (as I have) with detrimental results to her personal well being.  It's not always intuitive and doesn't always feel good to cut people off.  It's awkward too.  For me anyway.  But I think the effort is worth it which is why I quoted Cherlyn.

How did she get kicked of FB?  Look all that Trump said, and it took forever to get his removal?   

Why does this woman have a blog when she is so sensitive?  

In my past, I definitely hung in too long.   After my brother passed, I cleaned house as I had no more patience for toxic friendships.  I am at a point where I am ready to cut the cord, as I am fed up.  I feel that I owe her one convo, if she deflects, or doesn't make change, it's done.  

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

How did she get kicked of FB?  Look all that Trump said, and it took forever to get his removal?   

Why does this woman have a blog when she is so sensitive?  

In my past, I definitely hung in too long.   After my brother passed, I cleaned house as I had no more patience for toxic friendships.  I am at a point where I am ready to cut the cord, as I am fed up.  I feel that I owe her one convo, if she deflects, or doesn't make change, it's done.  

FWIW I support you totally in you doing what feels right particularly because you've shared your feelings and thought process and you are focused on doing what is right in every sense.  

So that's the thing -I know FB makes mistakes, I know people get hacked and then FB makes them stop posting till it's resolved, but this has happened multiple times.  And she is not an inflammatory poster at all as far as I can tell.  And she was also bothered on her blog.  Makes me wonder if her husband has former or current drug dealer friends who are stirring up trouble.  In which case it's not her fault but I also -following Cherlyn's line of thought -do not need this sort of drama in my life even indirectly.

 And yes the blog.  So I messaged a facebook friend who has had a parenting blog for years- it's great -and she is in a whole community of bloggers -and posed this issue hypothetically.  She said of course outright harassment is not ok but it's odd to have a parenting blog and insist on only positive comments/ compliments.  I agree.

[Hollyj]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

FWIW I support you totally in you doing what feels right particularly because you've shared your feelings and thought process and you are focused on doing what is right in every sense.  

So that's the thing -I know FB makes mistakes, I know people get hacked and then FB makes them stop posting till it's resolved, but this has happened multiple times.  And she is not an inflammatory poster at all as far as I can tell.  And she was also bothered on her blog.  Makes me wonder if her husband has former or current drug dealer friends who are stirring up trouble.  In which case it's not her fault but I also -following Cherlyn's line of thought -do not need this sort of drama in my life even indirectly.

 And yes the blog.  So I messaged a facebook friend who has had a parenting blog for years- it's great -and she is in a whole community of bloggers -and posed this issue hypothetically.  She said of course outright harassment is not ok but it's odd to have a parenting blog and insist on only positive comments/ compliments.  I agree.

We all have enough going on, where we do not need someone in our lives that brings us unhappiness and insecurity.    That is not a friend.   

 Tomorrow night should be interesting.