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On 1/7/2021 at 5:35 PM, Hollyj said:

Sadly, without the discussion, I can't continue, as I feel disrespected.  I just wonder if it is best by phone or in person?

The funny bit, she is very disorganized and a total procrastinator.  

I would do it in person but definitely not on her birthday. Hearing you are a crappy friend definitely doesn’t lend to celebrating. I would probably hear you out but leave the lunch shortly after because there would be no point in a birthday lunch at that point. 

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I just keep saying what I was saying.  

Holly,   If I may interrupt you for a moment 😀     You mentioned that it wasn't always this way and had gotten worse in the last months.  Perhaps that is a good starting point for your discu

Thank you everyone for you amazing support.  I really appreciate it!

You handle the situation like this...if they want to jump in, just let them get it out of their system, and keep your end of the conversation short and to the point. That's just the way they are. Save your conversations for others who don't do it. Be a listener, it won't kill ya to do it just with them.

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Make sure you do it before the birthday so you both can decide if you even want to do the lunch. She may not. For me I would have to process the discussion without seeing or hearing from that person for a time. 

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Sometimes I preface things with, "Would you mind if I talk myself through something with you? I just need to hear myself walk through it."

Or, "May I tell you about my (whatever it is...)"

I find that getting people to say "Yes," before I begin, paves my way to hold the floor until I'm ready to let it go.

However, if I'm interrupted, I'll call it. "Wait. May I just finish my thought?"

This tends to work well with even the most dominant people, who I often find are just over-excited or stressed rather than intentionally being disruptive. It 'trains' them to allow for me to engage without competing.

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2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sometimes I preface things with, "Would you mind if I talk myself through something with you? I just need to hear myself walk through it."

Or, "May I tell you about my (whatever it is...)"

I find that getting people to say "Yes," before I begin, paves my way to hold the floor until I'm ready to let it go.

However, if I'm interrupted, I'll call it. "Wait. May I just finish my thought?"

This tends to work well with even the most dominant people, who I often find are just over-excited or stressed rather than intentionally being disruptive. It 'trains' them to allow for me to engage without competing.

In the last convo,  I had to ask several times to allow me to speak.  I have also asked her numerous times not to bring up a particular topic, and on occasion a reference is still made.  The one thing that make me really bananas I pointed out,  and it happened again.  I told her how I felt.  This stuff has fallen on deaf ears.  
 

Unfortunately,  this will have to be presented in a different manner with examples .  There are multiple things going on here that need to change.  I need to get to the underlying issue, as she did not used to be like this.  
 

I remember how she shared a response with how she how spoken to a friend, and all I could think was how passive aggressive it was. I don’t deal with pa behaviors well, and can’t have it in friendships. 

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3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You handle the situation like this...if they want to jump in, just let them get it out of their system, and keep your end of the conversation short and to the point. That's just the way they are. Save your conversations for others who don't do it. Be a listener, it won't kill ya to do it just with them. I’m sorry,  but I will not have a friendship where I cannot share and the other monopolizes the Convo.  That sounds miserable,  I would rather not have that individual in my life.  

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3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Make sure you do it before the birthday so you both can decide if you even want to do the lunch. She may not. For me I would have to process the discussion without seeing or hearing from that person for a time. 

Meet up in person before our birthday meal,  or do a video call? 

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3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Meet up in person before our birthday meal,  or do a video call? 

Maybe a video call . But don’t ruin someone’s birthday with a discussion like that. I am not saying not to communicate your issue I am just saying that is not a conversation for a birthday celebration. 

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You handle the situation like this...if they want to jump in, just let them get it out of their system, and keep your end of the conversation short and to the point. That's just the way they are. Save your conversations for others who don't do it. Be a listener, it won't kill ya to do it just with them.

I wouldn’t want a friendship where I had to sit and listen to someone speak all the time and I couldn’t share .  That’s not a friendship.,  nor would I have any interest in it. 

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3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Maybe a video call . But don’t ruin someone’s birthday with a discussion like that. I am not saying not to communicate your issue I am just saying that is not a conversation for a birthday celebration. 

Ok.  Thank you.  

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1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

Meet up in person before our birthday meal,  or do a video call? 

I wouldn't rain on her parade by confronting her with her interrupting problem on her birthday.  Choose another day which doesn't have a special occasion. 

You can try one or two things.  This works whether on the phone or in person.  I remember a time when requesting an interrupter to cease interrupting me repeatedly fell on deaf ears.  Therefore, I tried this new trick.  Whenever I was interrupted,  I no longer stopped talking and allowed the interrupter to talk over me.  Interrupters interrupt you if you give them permission to interrupt you.  I simply continued speaking and finished my conversation.  It was quite hilarious actually.  I continued talking while the interrupter overlapped my sentences so we both talked over each other simultaneously.  I never backed down.  I didn't care if the interrupter listened to me nor cared if other witnesses couldn't understand what I was saying.   I practiced and repeated my tactic until the interrupter finally got the message that every time I was interrupted, I wouldn't stop my mid sentence and allow her to cut me off.  I continued speaking until I was finished.  I repeated my tactic for however long it took for the interrupter to finally get with the program.  Eventually, after numerous times of engaging in my exhaustive tactic and strategy, the interrupter paused to let me finish and then I allowed the interrupter to have her turn to speak in that order.  It was quite comical but it worked however long it took to teach a fool a lesson.  A lot of times you have to teach by your example by letting the unempathetic types have a taste of their own medicine.  If they're intelligent, they'll get their light bulb moment and realize that being interrupted isn't enjoyable.  Requesting favors or lecturing until you're blue in the face is unsuccessful.  Some people can dish it out but they can't take it. 

Sometimes you can teach an old dog new tricks and sometimes you can't. 

Either interrupt her back ad nauseum or get a friend replacement. 

Whenever people don't give me consistent common sense courtesy, I don't request anything of them.  I don't lecture nor do I cling to a rude, disrespectful, very selfish friendship.  I back off due to lack of interest and desire.  I greatly limit all contact permanently.  (In person, on the phone, texting, emails, messages, social media, etc.)  Eventually two people drift apart and fade away.  No explanations necessary.  Your actions speak louder than words.

 

 

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2 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I wouldn’t want a friendship where I had to sit and listen to someone speak all the time and I couldn’t share .  That’s not a friendship.,  nor would I have any interest in it. 

Yes - especially if it involves interruptions.  I am totally fine with taking turns meaning if my friend is going through something our conversation may be all about her that time but we know that another time it may be balanced or if needed all about me.  I think the interruption is rude but I think it's more than that -you feel it's indicative of a general lack of respect for you as a person and a lack of give and take and reciprocity in general.  Today my sister and I caught up by phone.  Honestly -not because I am rude but I had to be consciously aware of not jumping in/interjecting - because we often relate that way on both sides.  Partly I did this by not thinking about what I wanted to say next.  Just listening. 

Also I would want to know if your friend asks you follow up questions when you do share.  I do that naturally, because I want to know more or more about how the person felt, whatever.  Because I think if she asked you a really good follow up question, you were on the phone and she inadvertently jumped in just as you were almost finishing but not quite -you'd probably appreciate the active listening follow up question and barely notice that perhaps you had one word left to say that was inconsequential.  So I think even if this person stops the rude interruptions that's not the whole situation that's hurting this friendship.

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29 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I wouldn't rain on her parade by confronting her with her interrupting problem on her birthday.  Choose another day which doesn't have a special occasion. 

You can try one or two things.  This works whether on the phone or in person.  I remember a time when requesting an interrupter to cease interrupting me repeatedly fell on deaf ears.  Therefore, I tried this new trick.  Whenever I was interrupted,  I no longer stopped talking and allowed the interrupter to talk over me.  Interrupters interrupt you if you give them permission to interrupt you.  I simply continued speaking and finished my conversation.  It was quite hilarious actually.  I continued talking while the interrupter overlapped my sentences so we both talked over each other simultaneously.  I never backed down.  I didn't care if the interrupter listened to me nor cared if other witnesses couldn't understand what I was saying.   I practiced and repeated my tactic until the interrupter finally got the message that every time I was interrupted, I wouldn't stop my mid sentence and allow her to cut me off.  I continued speaking until I was finished.  I repeated my tactic for however long it took for the interrupter to finally get with the program.  Eventually, after numerous times of engaging in my exhaustive tactic and strategy, the interrupter paused to let me finish and then I allowed the interrupter to have her turn to speak in that order.  It was quite comical but it worked however long it took to teach a fool a lesson.  A lot of times you have to teach by your example by letting the unempathetic types have a taste of their own medicine.  If they're intelligent, they'll get their light bulb moment and realize that being interrupted isn't enjoyable.  Requesting favors or lecturing until you're blue in the face is unsuccessful.  Some people can dish it out but they can't take it. 

Sometimes you can teach an old dog new tricks and sometimes you can't. 

Either interrupt her back ad nauseum or get a friend replacement. 

Whenever people don't give me consistent common sense courtesy, I don't request anything of them.  I don't lecture nor do I cling to a rude, disrespectful, very selfish friendship.  I back off due to lack of interest and desire.  I greatly limit all contact permanently.  (In person, on the phone, texting, emails, messages, social media, etc.)  Eventually two people drift apart and fade away.  No explanations necessary.  Your actions speak louder than words.

 

 

Wise words. That must have been some convo.  

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32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes - especially if it involves interruptions.  I am totally fine with taking turns meaning if my friend is going through something our conversation may be all about her that time but we know that another time it may be balanced or if needed all about me.  I think the interruption is rude but I think it's more than that -you feel it's indicative of a general lack of respect for you as a person and a lack of give and take and reciprocity in general.  Today my sister and I caught up by phone.  Honestly -not because I am rude but I had to be consciously aware of not jumping in/interjecting - because we often relate that way on both sides.  Partly I did this by not thinking about what I wanted to say next.  Just listening. 

Also I would want to know if your friend asks you follow up questions when you do share.  I do that naturally, because I want to know more or more about how the person felt, whatever.  Because I think if she asked you a really good follow up question, you were on the phone and she inadvertently jumped in just as you were almost finishing but not quite -you'd probably appreciate the active listening follow up question and barely notice that perhaps you had one word left to say that was inconsequential.  So I think even if this person stops the rude interruptions that's not the whole situation that's hurting this friendship.

I have no issues with questions, as I always ask a lot of questions.  I want to know everything that is relaxant.  These are not questions, but simply trying to put across her position .  I will utter a couple of sentences and cut off.  
 

I would like feedback on the biggest issue.  I will share a personal issue, I then get cutoff before  finishing, then she tells me what she would do- without being asked for advice- then she will make negative assumptions that I have not handled it in the correct way.  The majority of the time I have done the things she assumes I have not done,  and more.  This to me very hurtful and disrespectful. 
 

 

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3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I have no issues with questions, as I always ask a lot of questions.  I want to know everything that is relaxant.  These are not questions, but simply trying to put across her position .  I will utter a couple of sentences and cut off.  
 

I would like feedback on the biggest issue.  I will share a personal issue, I then get cutoff before  finishing, then she tells me what she would do- without being asked for advice- then she will make negative assumptions that I have not handled it in the correct way.  The majority of the time I have done the things she assumes I have not done,  and more.  This to me very hurtful and disrespectful. 
 

 

Yes -this is what I meant by my feedback.  It's not just the rudeness of the interruption but the context.  She is interrupting you from expressing a personal issue -and I don't know about you but often the way I express a personal issue is also what helps me think through it properly.  So when she is cutting you off it's basically her saying "oh I know what you're going to say and it's just easier for me to tell you what to do because of course I know better than you".  So the purpose of the interruption is basically to show off, show her "superiority".  She's not interrupting because she's chomping at the bit to know more and she may have misheard or not understood something and doesn't want to forget to ask you -she simply cares more to have air time for herself and show off to you how she would have handled this ultimately to criticize how you are handling it.

So -if you want to be friends with this person maybe say at the outset "so something happened and I want to kind of think it through out loud -I'm not sure I need advice but when I'm all done if you have any observations I'd love it."

 

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -this is what I meant by my feedback.  It's not just the rudeness of the interruption but the context.  She is interrupting you from expressing a personal issue -and I don't know about you but often the way I express a personal issue is also what helps me think through it properly.  So when she is cutting you off it's basically her saying "oh I know what you're going to say and it's just easier for me to tell you what to do because of course I know better than you".  So the purpose of the interruption is basically to show off, show her "superiority".  She's not interrupting because she's chomping at the bit to know more and she may have misheard or not understood something and doesn't want to forget to ask you -she simply cares more to have air time for herself and show off to you how she would have handled this ultimately to criticize how you are handling it.

So -if you want to be friends with this person maybe say at the outset "so something happened and I want to kind of think it through out loud -I'm not sure I need advice but when I'm all done if you have any observations I'd love it."

 

Two of the convos were regarding very serious medical issues with  my mother, so not only am I scared about my mother's condition, I am also not getting her  ear.  My friend is not a doctor and    immediately assumed that I had not sought out a doctor who was the "best" or qualified- was recommended by her Cardiologist.  How would she know, as she had not even asked.  I did not want her advice, I only wanted support.  BTW, the doctor is highly qualified, as he number two to the Chair of the Dept. and runs several of his own areas at the best hospital in NYC.  It was a hurtful conversation.   It seemed to more important to show me I was;t capable of handling the simple task of choosing a competent physical .

I no longer feel safe sharing.   

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8 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Wise words. That must have been some convo.  

Thank you, yes it was.  When the interrupter interrupted me, I continued to speak as if she hadn't interrupted me.  Meanwhile, she eventually felt awkward talking over me because she couldn't silence me with her interruptions.  After a few minutes, she stopped talking because she realized I wasn't stopping to allow her to talk.  I finished my conversation and paused.  Then she spoke while I remained silent.  She paused.  Then it was my turn to speak so when I spoke, she interrupted me yet again.  I spoke without stopping while she talked over me as usual.  I repeated this same tactic over and over and over and over again.  I wore her down until she eventually and finally got the message. 

I didn't have to ask her not to interrupt me.  I simply finished every sentence without stopping until I was finished.  My sentences weren't too long.  I was reasonable and fair.   I didn't have to explain anything.  

We talked over each other during several conversations which was frustrating, confusing and garbled but I didn't care.  Then whether on the phone or in person, I say, "Ok, I have to go now.  Have a nice day.  Bye."  

If other people are weird by interrupting you, act weird back.  They'll leave you alone after that.  Over time, they'll bother you less and less.   

Treat people the same way they treat you.  Then they'll know what it feels like to be disrespected.  Either they'll come around and behave properly or you have the right to cut them loose and no longer waste your time and energy on imbeciles. 

Beware whom you confide to.  Don't easily trust.  Listen to your gut instincts when you're uncomfortable sharing personal information with her.  Never let your guard down.  Learn to keep a safe distance from many people in your life and make your exit from some people's lives if they don't treat you with respect and as if you matter. 

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10 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Two of the convos were regarding very serious medical issues with  my mother, so not only am I scared about my mother's condition, I am also not getting her  ear.  My friend is not a doctor and    immediately assumed that I had not sought out a doctor who was the "best" or qualified- was recommended by her Cardiologist.  How would she know, as she had not even asked.  I did not want her advice, I only wanted support.  BTW, the doctor is highly qualified, as he number two to the Chair of the Dept. and runs several of his own areas at the best hospital in NYC.  It was a hurtful conversation.   It seemed to more important to show me I was;t capable of handling the simple task of choosing a competent physical .

I no longer feel safe sharing.   

Yes that is why I wrote what I wrote - if you didn't have these other issues with this person and if she wasn't interrupting for these reasons you'd still find it rude but it probably would be resolvable.  I'm sorry you are going through this with your mother!

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4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Thank you, yes it was.  When the interrupter interrupted me, I continued to speak as if she hadn't interrupted me.  Meanwhile, she eventually felt awkward talking over me because she couldn't silence me with her interruptions.  After a few minutes, she stopped talking because she realized I wasn't stopping to allow her to talk.  I finished my conversation and paused.  Then she spoke while I remained silent.  She paused.  Then it was my turn to speak so when I spoke, she interrupted me yet again.  I spoke without stopping while she talked over me as usual.  I repeated this same tactic over and over and over and over again.  I wore her down until she eventually and finally got the message. 

I didn't have to ask her not to interrupt me.  I simply finished every sentence without stopping until I was finished.  My sentences weren't too long.  I was reasonable and fair.   I didn't have to explain anything.  

We talked over each other during several conversations which was frustrating, confusing and garbled but I didn't care.  Then whether on the phone or in person, I say, "Ok, I have to go now.  Have a nice day.  Bye."  

If other people are weird by interrupting you, act weird back.  They'll leave you alone after that.  Over time, they'll bother you less and less.   

Treat people the same way they treat you.  Then they'll know what it feels like to be disrespected.  Either they'll come around and behave properly or you have the right to cut them loose and no longer waste your time and energy on imbeciles. 

Beware whom you confide to.  Don't easily trust.  Listen to your gut instincts when you're uncomfortable sharing personal information with her.  Never let your guard down.  Learn to keep a safe distance from many people in your life and make your exit from some people's lives if they don't treat you with respect and as if you matter. 

I only share with close and trusted friends.   I choose my friends carefully, no gossips.  

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7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes that is why I wrote what I wrote - if you didn't have these other issues with this person and if she wasn't interrupting for these reasons you'd still find it rude but it probably would be resolvable.  I'm sorry you are going through this with your mother!

Thanks, honey.

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8 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I only share with close and trusted friends.   I choose my friends carefully, no gossips.  

She doesn't sound like a good friend because she doesn't play by the rules of common decency and common courtesy.  Rethink who deserves to be in your life and who doesn't qualify.  Exercise discernment.  Become a good judge of character. 

Think long and hard regarding how people treat you.  Take action to either continue this dysfunctional, toxic friendship or become passive aggressive by declining easily should she initiate getting together with you or speak on the phone.  She'll eventually get the message that you've since lost interest and desire to engage in conversation or see her.  If she texts you, keep your responses brief, polite, generic, safe, distant and extremely BORING.  I've done this with various people in my life and if you practice remaining cool and politely standoffish, she will either leave you alone, not bother you anymore or at least bother you less frequently.  This is called enforcing strong,  healthy boundaries with certain people in your life. 

There are no war with words.  Drift apart and fade away into oblivion.  Many times, the strongest reaction is to do absolutely NOTHING. 

My late father taught me that you need to use your opponent's energy instead of wasting your energy.  Let your opponent sweat and struggle while you use their energy for them to become weak and tired.  I've practiced this strategy and tactic for several years and it works great.  You ought to try it, Hollyj.  It will do wonders for your soul. 

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17 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

She doesn't sound like a good friend because she doesn't play by the rules of common decency and common courtesy.  Rethink who deserves to be in your life and who doesn't qualify.  Exercise discernment.  Become a good judge of character. 

Think long and hard regarding how people treat you.  Take action to either continue this dysfunctional, toxic friendship or become passive aggressive by declining easily should she initiate getting together with you or speak on the phone.  She'll eventually get the message that you've since lost interest and desire to engage in conversation or see her.  If she texts you, keep your responses brief, polite, generic, safe, distant and extremely BORING.  I've done this with various people in my life and if you practice remaining cool and politely standoffish, she will either leave you alone, not bother you anymore or at least bother you less frequently.  This is called enforcing strong,  healthy boundaries with certain people in your life. 

There are no war with words.  Drift apart and fade away into oblivion.  Many times, the strongest reaction is to do absolutely NOTHING. 

My late father taught me that you need to use your opponent's energy instead of wasting your energy.  Let your opponent sweat and struggle while you use their energy for them to become weak and tired.  I've practiced this strategy and tactic for several years and it works great.  You ought to try it, Hollyj.  It will do wonders for your soul. 

Funny, I usually have little tolerance for bad behavior-  I have a very good friend circle.  This individual has been a very good friend,  but it has turned disrespectful as of late.  Her b day is tomorrow and I am supposed to take her to dinner on Wednesday.  

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