Interrupters

[1a1a]

The coward’s (cautious person’s ) way out, write a letter. 
 

I did this recently with a friend because we had a big argument and on introspection I understood I was getting frustrated with her because she was almost always responding to the things I say with a negative or argumentative view point. In the letter I included my best faith interpretation, that she was trying to help me, explained the concept of emotional bids and told her it was having the effect of making me feel unheard and disconnected. I asked her if she had also noticed the friendship wasn’t clicking as well as it used to, maybe I was stepping on her toes in some way too. To her credit she took all this in her stride, sent me a letter back, Said she’d been feeling like her bids went unanswered too (but couldn’t give me an example) has been much more enjoyable to hang out with since. 

Maybe give said letter after dinner and invite her to read it when she’s home. There’s an awkward conversation you need to have with her and it’s been hard to say the words out loud.
 

Good luck 

[Wiseman2]

I tend to put people like this in the "pontificater" folder.

Personally, I've been referred to as "the quiet type". Somehow I've usually been the listener.

But will recuse myself if the conversation is extensively long/boring.

Funny story. When my father used to call me to ask about stuff or whatever, he'd always ask 'are you still there?'.  I suppose I don't put in enough ums ohs etc, even though I am listening to every word and probably could recite it back verbatim.

 

 

[LaHermes]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. It's a power play. People who talk over others aren't just innocent chatterboxes . Drowning others out is an attempt to be dominant, to silence .

I have to agree with Wisey.

Anyhow, Holly I would recommend the face to face approach. Forget letters. Face to face the message is loud and clear and you can gauge reactions.

 

 

[Batya33]

So it also could be sort of cultural/ethnic - she may be used to being in an environment where talking over each other is common and actually friendly/accepted.  I am a fast talker and used to interrupt more -but most often we were interrupting each other LOL.  What I would do is what the others suggested.  If that doesn't work I'd accept that if you communicate it's going to be you doing the listening -so do that in small doses if she has good stories.  

I actually have worked VERY hard not to interrupt the last several years.  I actually started doing this when my mother in law was in hospice and my husband - was just devastated and reacted by being very quiet about it.  It was too much.  So when he did speak of it I stopped everything I was doing.  I looked at him.  I shut my mouth (sometimes consciously) and I just listened -whatever he was willing to share.  I made sure he knew he had my full attention.  When he was done sometimes I commented sometimes not - depending of course.  And with friends -I do literally have to take a breath, shut my mouth - I will say though sometimes I interrupt because of a cell phone delay -I don't know they are still speaking. 

 

But I make it my whole effort to just listen.  To wait.  To pause.  I might say "uh huh" in an encouraging way but not as an interruption at all.  I say this because it's not easy.  But it's worth it.  And to be honest my fast talking friends sometimes are surprised because they think they interrupted me or they think I'm not on the line anymore!

 

I'm sorry it's so frustrating.

Edited it to add -you know what -I realized.  I still interrupt my mother ALL THE TIME.  We speak almost every day.  And when she says something annoying I jump in and interrupt.  It's rude.  I know.  But she's my mother and she gets it -but my point is - it's also from a sense of comfort so even if it's "rude" my mother cuts me slack because -she's mom.  However, when she says to me "oh do you have time for a story" or the like I now - unlike years ago - never interrupt.  I want her to feel -she is in her 80s and living on her own - that her stories are awesome -I mean they typically are but even if she told me already or it's not awesome she deserves my full attention.  Maybe your friend feels "too comfortable" with you?

[SarahLancaster]

It's frustrating to have a friend who is a constant talker and doesn't let you finish a sentence before she runs down another rabbit hole of narrative.  It's especially frustrating when you really like that person otherwise.

People who are compulsive talkers are generally not aware that they are being annoying, and they generally don't take offense when you intrude upon THEM.  I finally started saying in a loud voice, "Let me FINISH."  That generally shuts her up for a minute.

[Hollyj]

9 hours ago, 1a1a said:

The coward’s (cautious person’s ) way out, write a letter. 
 

I did this recently with a friend because we had a big argument and on introspection I understood I was getting frustrated with her because she was almost always responding to the things I say with a negative or argumentative view point. In the letter I included my best faith interpretation, that she was trying to help me, explained the concept of emotional bids and told her it was having the effect of making me feel unheard and disconnected. I asked her if she had also noticed the friendship wasn’t clicking as well as it used to, maybe I was stepping on her toes in some way too. To her credit she took all this in her stride, sent me a letter back, Said she’d been feeling like her bids went unanswered too (but couldn’t give me an example) has been much more enjoyable to hang out with since. 

Maybe give said letter after dinner and invite her to read it when she’s home. There’s an awkward conversation you need to have with her and it’s been hard to say the words out loud.
 

Good luck 

I love everything that you said to her, but I really think that it has to be face-to-face.   I think that word can be misinterpreted, and one can think that they are being yelled at, when they are not.   

[Hollyj]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I tend to put people like this in the "pontificater" folder.

Personally, I've been referred to as "the quiet type". Somehow I've usually been the listener.

But will recuse myself if the conversation is extensively long/boring.

Funny story. When my father used to call me to ask about stuff or whatever, he'd always ask 'are you still there?'.  I suppose I don't put in enough ums ohs etc, even though I am listening to every word and probably could recite it back verbatim.

 

 

I'm definitely not the quiet type (big surprise), but I do listen to what people are saying and ask a lot of questions.  I don't give advice, unless asked.  The exception, when I have been hearing the same crap for over a year with no change- she is known to do this, due to disorganization and procrastination.  

 

[Hollyj]

3 hours ago, LaHermes said:

I have to agree with Wisey.

Anyhow, Holly I would recommend the face to face approach. Forget letters. Face to face the message is loud and clear and you can gauge reactions.

 

 

I totally agree.  

[Hollyj]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So it also could be sort of cultural/ethnic - she may be used to being in an environment where talking over each other is common and actually friendly/accepted.  I am a fast talker and used to interrupt more -but most often we were interrupting each other LOL.  What I would do is what the others suggested.  If that doesn't work I'd accept that if you communicate it's going to be you doing the listening -so do that in small doses if she has good stories.  

I actually have worked VERY hard not to interrupt the last several years.  I actually started doing this when my mother in law was in hospice and my husband - was just devastated and reacted by being very quiet about it.  It was too much.  So when he did speak of it I stopped everything I was doing.  I looked at him.  I shut my mouth (sometimes consciously) and I just listened -whatever he was willing to share.  I made sure he knew he had my full attention.  When he was done sometimes I commented sometimes not - depending of course.  And with friends -I do literally have to take a breath, shut my mouth - I will say though sometimes I interrupt because of a cell phone delay -I don't know they are still speaking. 

 

But I make it my whole effort to just listen.  To wait.  To pause.  I might say "uh huh" in an encouraging way but not as an interruption at all.  I say this because it's not easy.  But it's worth it.  And to be honest my fast talking friends sometimes are surprised because they think they interrupted me or they think I'm not on the line anymore!

 

I'm sorry it's so frustrating.

Edited it to add -you know what -I realized.  I still interrupt my mother ALL THE TIME.  We speak almost every day.  And when she says something annoying I jump in and interrupt.  It's rude.  I know.  But she's my mother and she gets it -but my point is - it's also from a sense of comfort so even if it's "rude" my mother cuts me slack because -she's mom.  However, when she says to me "oh do you have time for a story" or the like I now - unlike years ago - never interrupt.  I want her to feel -she is in her 80s and living on her own - that her stories are awesome -I mean they typically are but even if she told me already or it's not awesome she deserves my full attention.  Maybe your friend feels "too comfortable" with you?

Thank you for your perspective.   I totally get it.

 It's a combination of things that are disrespectful, not just this one issue.  It has also escalated.  

[lostandhurt]

Holly,

  If I may interrupt you for a moment 😀  

  You mentioned that it wasn't always this way and had gotten worse in the last months.  Perhaps that is a good starting point for your discussion with her.   "I wanted to talk to you about something that has been bothering me about OUR friendship.  In the beginning when we talked and shared it seemed more equal where we would each share and listen but lately I feel like my thoughts and feelings are not being received/respected in the way I would want a good friend to listen and care."   "Is there something bothering you that I don't know about?"  Or something along those lines.

  Getting the conversation started it usually the hardest part.  I agree face to face is best as you can see expressions (behind a covid mask) and have an opportunity to express yourself and hopefully get through to her how this is making you feel.

Lost

[boltnrun]

I don't see any circumstances where interrupting is not rude. It always is.

[Hollyj]

Just now, lostandhurt said:

Holly,

  If I may interrupt you for a moment 😀  

  You mentioned that it wasn't always this way and had gotten worse in the last months.  Perhaps that is a good starting point for your discussion with her.   "I wanted to talk to you about something that has been bothering me about OUR friendship.  In the beginning when we talked and shared it seemed more equal where we would each share and listen but lately I feel like my thoughts and feelings are not being received/respected in the way I would want a good friend to listen and care."   "Is there something bothering you that I don't know about?"  Or something along those lines.

  Getting the conversation started it usually the hardest part.  I agree face to face is best as you can see expressions (behind a covid mask) and have an opportunity to express yourself and hopefully get through to her how this is making you feel.

Lost

Thank you. I will reread your post, before speaking with her.  

 I think that that is a good approach.   It will also allow me to go into other things that are on my mind.   

[Rose Mosse]

I like the face to face approach also if there is to be one and keep things simple. You mentioned bringing up examples but I'd hold off on mentioning any unless she asks. Anyway, Holly, you are such a direct/clear and kindhearted person at the same time I find it really difficult to see how this would go sideways. She would have to have some serious issues for things to get out of hand. 

I don't think you have anything to worry about and she probably has no idea she's doing it (interrupting you). Those other comments she's making about your life are up to interpretation so I'm not so sure, as an outsider, without any details. If she's said some hurtful comments about the way you handle your care for your mum, you can also gently mention that this is a sensitive topic and you'd like her to listen more (you are just working out a few things on your own or within the family). Usually people get the idea that listening is needed. 

I'd be prepared that she might quip somewhere in there that she needs a good listener also and that's your cue to reaffirm that you're open to that or being a good listener/friend. 

She may also have nothing going on with her at all except that she's just rushed all the time or has a different way of going about practicing mindfulness? It sounds like she hasn't taken a deep breath in a long time. I know this feeling! My mum used to say I needed to slow down, leave more time inbetween things and don't rush about so much. I'm really feeling that now that I'm older and (happily) have slowed down and tried to be a bit more mindful. 

Just a couple more cents rolling around ..

 

[tattoobunnie]

18 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I think that she has an issue with me, and is showing it in this manner. 

I guarantee you that she has stuff going on that she being self-absorbed right now. It's not about you.  And she will deflect what's going on with her by trying to stomp on you with unsolicited advice.  I'd go to the party, and let her enjoy it, then just take a break for a bit from her.  Telling her to stop won't work.  They need to figure it the f-out on their own.

[Hollyj]

5 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I guarantee you that she has stuff going on that she being self-absorbed right now. It's not about you.  And she will deflect what's going on with her by trying to stomp on you with unsolicited advice.  I'd go to the party, and let her enjoy it, then just take a break for a bit from her.  Telling her to stop won't work.  They need to figure it the f-out on their own.

She doesn't.  I think she is being passive aggressive.  

She will be open and apologize, I just need to see change and get to the root of the problem.

[tattoobunnie]

Just now, Hollyj said:

She doesn't.  I think she is being passive aggressive.  

Oh. I haven't gone through the posts. Doing so now. I guess you did something?  If you didn't.  Then it's still her issues.

[Hollyj]

22 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I like the face to face approach also if there is to be one and keep things simple. You mentioned bringing up examples but I'd hold off on mentioning any unless she asks. Anyway, Holly, you are such a direct/clear and kindhearted person at the same time I find it really difficult to see how this would go sideways. She would have to have some serious issues for things to get out of hand. 

I don't think you have anything to worry about and she probably has no idea she's doing it (interrupting you). Those other comments she's making about your life are up to interpretation so I'm not so sure, as an outsider, without any details. If she's said some hurtful comments about the way you handle your care for your mum, you can also gently mention that this is a sensitive topic and you'd like her to listen more (you are just working out a few things on your own or within the family). Usually people get the idea that listening is needed. 

I'd be prepared that she might quip somewhere in there that she needs a good listener also and that's your cue to reaffirm that you're open to that or being a good listener/friend. 

She may also have nothing going on with her at all except that she's just rushed all the time or has a different way of going about practicing mindfulness? It sounds like she hasn't taken a deep breath in a long time. I know this feeling! My mum used to say I needed to slow down, leave more time inbetween things and don't rush about so much. I'm really feeling that now that I'm older and (happily) have slowed down and tried to be a bit more mindful. 

Just a couple more cents rolling around ..

 

It's not just my mom it's any issue I bring up.  I have become apprehensive about bringing anything personal into the convo, and that's not good.   How can you have a convo with someone who cuts you off, tells you what they would do, then make critical assumptions about how you are handling situations, without even asking.   That hurts and I don't feel safe sharing..  I am repeating myself.  Sorry!   I don't like to be the person that goes round and round.  

[Hollyj]

2 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Oh. I haven't gone through the posts. Doing so now. I guess you did something?  If you didn't.  Then it's still her issues.

I agree.   It needs to be nipped in the bud.  it is crazy making.    

[Hollyj]

The last bit:   there is a topic that she kept pushing and pushing and I asked repeatedly to please not bring it up.  It would continue to be brought up, until one day I exploded.  I was so aggravated.   She has worked it into the convo a couple of times since, but I have ignored.  To me this is controlling and disrespectful.  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I don't see any circumstances where interrupting is not rude. It always is.

I do.  I think it's fine when it's your and  your friend's styles of communicating and both are ok with it - I have friends like that -we always say "sorry!" and we try our best but often the interruption is out of enthusiasm, to further what the other person is saying - so in that conversation both friends accept it and don't feel like they are being treated rudely.

[Hollyj]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I do.  I think it's fine when it's your and  your friend's styles of communicating and both are ok with it - I have friends like that -we always say "sorry!" and we try our best but often the interruption is out of enthusiasm, to further what the other person is saying - so in that conversation both friends accept it and don't feel like they are being treated rudely.

I can understand that,  but if someone is continually interrupting to the point you cannot get your point across,  it is rude. 

[Cherylyn]

17 hours ago, Hollyj said:

"Whenever anyone interrupts me,  I say, "I'm speaking" and they generally stop so I can finish my sentence.  Should they interrupt me yet again, I'll say, "If you don't mind, let me finish."  They usually stop and let me finish.  Then I'll proceed to have my say, pause and let them know this is my signal for them to have their turn to speak in that order.   I repeat this same method until they get the message.  I've found that if some people behave as if they're 3 years old, you have to treat them as if they're 3 years old.  Interrupting you is condescending so I'm condescending back albeit in a civil, polite manner.  It works." 

Love it!

Thanks! 👍🏆

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I can understand that,  but if someone is continually interrupting to the point you cannot get your point across,  it is rude. 

Absolutely -I'm talking about long time friends excited to catch up and inadvertently talking over each other - not interrupting because the person is trying to silence or dismiss you.

[Cherylyn]

16 hours ago, Hollyj said:

I can understand that,  but if someone is continually interrupting to the point you cannot get your point across,  it is rude. 

I agree completely!  Interrupting and talking over someone is plain rude.  I've been with certain people who chronically interrupt time and time again.  They're conversation hogs and never come up for air!  My MIL (mother-in-law) is a habitual interrupter ALL THE TIME.  She monopolizes every conversation whether on the phone or in person.  It is no wonder I avoid her like the plague!  Despite residing locally,  we don't get together often (pre-pandemic).  Even my sons' eyes glaze over from listening to their grandmother's incessant drivel.

People who interrupt, talk over you and cut you off are a selfish lot.  It's a good way to become unpopular very fast.  I simply stay far away.

[Hollyj]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree completely!  Interrupting and talking over someone is plain rude.  I've been with certain people who chronically interrupt time and time again.  They're conversation hogs and never come up for air!  My MIL (mother-in-law) is a habitual interrupter ALL THE TIME.  She monopolizes every conversation whether on the phone or in person.  It is no wonder I avoid her like the plague!  Despite residing locally,  we don't get together often (pre-pandemic).  Even my sons' eyes glaze over from listening to their grandmother's incessant drivel.

People who interrupt, talk over you and cut you off are a selfish lot.  It's a good way to become unpopular very fast.  I simply stay far away.

She sounds like a pain in the arse! I don’t blame you for staying away.