Interrupters

[reinventmyself]

Is there a playful but pointed way to tell her?  Maybe the next time she does it, laugh a little, tell her you love her to pieces but it makes you crazy when you can't finish a sentence with her.

Keep it light,  but clear about how you feel.   

I am thinking of a friend I just talk to who is the same way.  We had a 9 hour car ride and she stepped on every word I said.  She is super hyper and a chatter box.  At some point I had this exact moment with her.  I got my point across in a playful way.  She apologized, was a little embarrassed and tried a little harder.  But some things don't change.   She's a great person and a good heart.  I just know what I am going to get and manage my expectations with her.

[Hollyj]

1 minute ago, reinventmyself said:

Is there a playful but pointed way to tell her?  Maybe the next she does it, laugh a little, tell her you love her to pieces but it makes you crazy when you can't finish a sentence with her.

Keep it like but clear about how you feel.   

I am thinking of a friend I just talk to who is the same way.  We had a 9 hour car ride and she stepped on every word I said.  She is super hyper and a chatter box.  At some point I had this exact moment with her.  I got my point across in a playful way.  She apologized, was a little embarrassed and tried a little harder.  But some things don't change.   She's a great person and a good heart.  I just know what I am going to get and manage my expectations with her.

The interrupting is annoying, but it is the  other stuff that is really hurtful and  intolerable.   

[Rose Mosse]

But... but... she will interrupt you... 😉 

Whenever I need to discuss anything with someone I have to think twice, even three times, about whether to bring it up. This is more or less the thought process: 

-Is the behaviour impacting me to the point where I can't go about my daily or regular routine freely? (The person is really annoying!)
-Is this person ever going to self-correct? (Sometimes people realize they were out of line and don't repeat the same thing)
-If I say anything, will the person listen? (This is usually the determining point if the above two questions are answered YES and NO respectively) Sometimes no matter what you want to believe or hope for, the other person might not listen at all or care enough. 

If all fails, I think it's best to talk to other friends. 

[Hollyj]

6 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

But... but... she will interrupt you... 😉 

Whenever I need to discuss anything with someone I have to think twice, even three times, about whether to bring it up. This is more or less the thought process: 

-Is the behaviour impacting me to the point where I can't go about my daily or regular routine freely? (The person is really annoying!)
-Is this person ever going to self-correct? (Sometimes people realize they were out of line and don't repeat the same thing)
-If I say anything, will the person listen? (This is usually the determining point if the above two questions are answered YES and NO respectively) Sometimes no matter what you want to believe or hope for, the other person might not listen at all or care enough. 

If all fails, I think it's best to talk to other friends. 

I am the type of person who has to get something off my chest  to move on-I do not gossip to other friends, as I believe it should be between me and that individual.   I also believe if the person is a real friend, they will listen, hear my position, and make changes.   Honestly, I think that there is something underlying and this is passive aggressive behavior on  her part.   I think that she will be receptive, and apologize, but I have to see change.   I want to get to the bottom of it, as I have become resentful.   Not healthy..   

[LaHermes]

1 minute ago, Hollyj said:

I do not gossip to other friends, as I believe it should be between me and that individual.

Absolutely Holly.  Same here. Wishy-wash stuff is way out of my realm. 

 

2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Honestly, I think that there is something underlying and this is passive aggressive behavior on  her part.  

I got that feeling too Holly. I suppose it depends on whether you really want to find out what is underlying.  I know I would find it tiring. 

[Hollyj]

3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Absolutely Holly.  Same here. Wishy-wash stuff is way out of my realm. 

 

I got that feeling too Holly. I suppose it depends on whether you really want to find out what is underlying.  I know I would find it tiring. 

She means a great deal to me.   You all have helped me sort this out.   I really appreciate your feedback!  I will speak to her next week  

[reinventmyself]

17 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

The interrupting is annoying, but it is the  other stuff that is really hurtful and  intolerable.   

Having said that. . I have another friend who is totally self centered and only talks about herself.  If I do get a chance to talk, if she doesn't interrupt I can tell she's not listening and/or not interested.   I've distanced myself from her.

So, those are two different friends of mine that I share similar stories with.  I guess it comes down to their intentions and how good of friend they are otherwise.

[Hollyj]

1 minute ago, reinventmyself said:

Having said that. . I have another friend who is totally self centered and only talks about herself.  If I do get a chance to talk, if she doesn't interrupt I can tell she's not listening and/or not interested.   I've distanced myself from her.

So, those are two different friends of mine that I share similar stories with.  I guess it comes down to their intentions and how good of friend they are otherwise.

She's not like friend #2.    

[reinventmyself]

3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

She's not like friend #2.    

If she's a good friend, she will want to know how you feel.

[Hollyj]

Just now, reinventmyself said:

If she's a good friend, she will want to know how you feel.

If I were being a jerk, I would want to know.

[Rose Mosse]

I didn't mean gossiping with other friends but speaking with other friends and phasing this person out if she's self-centered or seems too self-absorbed. I agree with you that passive aggressiveness has no place in a friendship. Maybe she is also resentful of you because you have things or are cool or calm and collected while she isn't? (I'm referencing here your research and time you've taken to look into topics or educate yourself).

If you believe she'll listen that's a good sign! Fingers crossed for both of you and that things go well. 

[Hollyj]

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I didn't mean gossiping with other friends but speaking with other friends and phasing this person out if she's self-centered or seems too self-absorbed. I agree with you that passive aggressiveness has no place in a friendship. Maybe she is also resentful of you because you have things or are cool or calm and collected while she isn't? (I'm referencing here your research and time you've taken to look into topics or educate yourself).

If you believe she'll listen that's a good sign! Fingers crossed for both of you and that things go well. 

Awww.  Thank you, you are very kind.   I feel the same about you.   

[Seraphim]

56 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I don't know if I should call her to open a discussion, or wait until the dinner next week?

Call her before the dinner no one wants to hear crappy stuff about themselves on their birthday. I know I wouldn’t. 

[Hollyj]

32 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Call her before the dinner no one wants to hear crappy stuff about themselves on their birthday. I know I wouldn’t. 

Now, I don't know which direction to go.   

[SooSad33]

I just look right at them & stop talking.. until I can try & start again.  HOPING they realize what they are doing.. I wonder if it may help to 'give them a look'- of disapproval as well?

 

[Hollyj]

1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

I just look right at them & stop talking.. until I can try & start again.  HOPING they realize what they are doing.. I wonder if it may help to 'give them a look'- of disapproval as well?

 

But, how do you do that on the phone? 

This is the biggest issue:   "Another  thing that makes me crazy, is that I will be sharing something where I am NOT seeking advice.  I will get through about half of the issue then get cutoff- I am not long-winded-  she will then tell me all of the things that she would do, nor being asked-not knowing the entire situation.   My "favorite" bit is she then proceeds to ask why I had not approached the issue in a certain way or done specific things, without even asking me what I had done-I had already done all of the things she had assumed I had not completed.  It makes me so frustrated.  This is not something that is supportive and makes me feel worse."     

[Rose Mosse]

I like Reinvents idea about going easy or a bit lighthearted. If it is an open full-on no holds discussion, I'd save it for another time. It might give you some time to think about the delivery too. 

Are you thinking of providing examples as in talking about past examples of things she's said? Or is this more of a talk about how she's doing and explaining you've felt a bit put off by some of your conversations (without going into examples)? Sometimes opening it up with something more vague might segway naturally into the other person opening up more about what's going on with them without you having to bring up examples or past issues. 

Somewhere in there you can mention that you were hurt by the things she's said and when you're not given a chance to finish your thoughts it causes confusion and means you don't really get to connect as friends. I'd try to end it on a positive note though and hug it out! The point is to preserve the relationship.

[SooSad33]

5 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

My "favorite" bit is she then proceeds to ask why I had not approached the issue in a certain way or done specific things, without even asking me what I had done-I had already done all of the things she had assumed I had not completed.  It makes me so frustrated

Ahh, so like a 'miss know it all'?   Sounds like she has an issue with her communication approach?

Have you known her a while?  So, tolerated it for long?

[Hollyj]

25 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Ahh, so like a 'miss know it all'?   Sounds like she has an issue with her communication approach?

Have you known her a while?  So, tolerated it for long?

I have known her for about 7-8 years .   No, it has has gotten worse within the last year, most especially the last few months.

[Hollyj]

32 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I like Reinvents idea about going easy or a bit lighthearted. If it is an open full-on no holds discussion, I'd save it for another time. It might give you some time to think about the delivery too. 

Are you thinking of providing examples as in talking about past examples of things she's said? Or is this more of a talk about how she's doing and explaining you've felt a bit put off by some of your conversations (without going into examples)? Sometimes opening it up with something more vague might segway naturally into the other person opening up more about what's going on with them without you having to bring up examples or past issues. 

Somewhere in there you can mention that you were hurt by the things she's said and when you're not given a chance to finish your thoughts it causes confusion and means you don't really get to connect as friends. I'd try to end it on a positive note though and hug it out! The point is to preserve the relationship.

I do have examples.   I write out my thoughts before speaking to someone, so that I have a clear picture of where I want to go.

[Cherylyn]

Some immature, unempathetic interrupters repeat their interrupting habits despite requesting them NOT to talk over you, interrupt and they'll continue to cut you off habitually.  Many times, your request might be heeded temporarily only for them to repeat interrupting you at random or more often than that. 

Whenever anyone interrupts me,  I say, "I'm speaking" and they generally stop so I can finish my sentence.  Should they interrupt me yet again, I'll say, "If you don't mind, let me finish."  They usually stop and let me finish.  Then I'll proceed to have my say, pause and let them know this is my signal for them to have their turn to speak in that order.   I repeat this same method until they get the message.  I've found that if some people behave as if they're 3 years old, you have to treat them as if they're 3 years old.  Interrupting you is condescending so I'm condescending back albeit in a civil, polite manner.  It works. 

If their interrupting is relentless, it is time to choose new friends who know how to mind their manners and treat you with respect. 

Interrupting is selfish and manipulative.  It's about controlling the conversation selfishly.  It's about being a conversation hog without coming up for air!

If I can't get rid of certain interrupters from my life, I decrease engaging which is a form of enforcing strong boundaries.  I lose my desire to interact with them because they're too high maintenance.  I don't get together with them as often as before and should they be in my company, I'll let them do all the talking while I don't say much since I can't get a word in edgewise.  I make these interactions brief and make my exit fairly quickly.  I'm not with disrespectful people who are unrewarding to me.   I surround myself with people who know how to behave like decent human beings.  

Rudeness is unacceptable and intolerable.

[Hollyj]

26 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Some immature, unempathetic interrupters repeat their interrupting habits despite requesting them NOT to talk over you, interrupt and they'll continue to cut you off habitually.  Many times, your request might be heeded temporarily only for them to repeat interrupting you at random or more often than that. 

Whenever anyone interrupts me,  I say, "I'm speaking" and they generally stop so I can finish my sentence.  Should they interrupt me yet again, I'll say, "If you don't mind, let me finish."  They usually stop and let me finish.  Then I'll proceed to have my say, pause and let them know this is my signal for them to have their turn to speak in that order.   I repeat this same method until they get the message.  I've found that if some people behave as if they're 3 years old, you have to treat them as if they're 3 years old.  Interrupting you is condescending so I'm condescending back albeit in a civil, polite manner.  It works. 

If their interrupting is relentless, it is time to choose new friends who know how to mind their manners and treat you with respect. 

Interrupting is selfish and manipulative.  It's about controlling the conversation selfishly.  It's about being a conversation hog without coming up for air!

If I can't get rid of certain interrupters from my life, I decrease engaging which is a form of enforcing strong boundaries.  I lose my desire to interact with them because they're too high maintenance.  I don't get together with them as often as before and should they be in my company, I'll let them do all the talking while I don't say much since I can't get a word in edgewise.  I make these interactions brief and make my exit fairly quickly.  I'm not with disrespectful people who are unrewarding to me.   I surround myself with people who know how to behave like decent human beings.  

Rudeness is unacceptable and intolerable.

"Whenever anyone interrupts me,  I say, "I'm speaking" and they generally stop so I can finish my sentence.  Should they interrupt me yet again, I'll say, "If you don't mind, let me finish."  They usually stop and let me finish.  Then I'll proceed to have my say, pause and let them know this is my signal for them to have their turn to speak in that order.   I repeat this same method until they get the message.  I've found that if some people behave as if they're 3 years old, you have to treat them as if they're 3 years old.  Interrupting you is condescending so I'm condescending back albeit in a civil, polite manner.  It works." 

Love it!

[Seraphim]

Is she perhaps worn out by everything this year? 

[Hollyj]

9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Is she perhaps worn out by everything this year? 

No.   Actually, she says she is doing quite a bit.   She is an artist and has been doing many only courses.   She also has a fair amount of friends that she communicates with on a regular basis.

There was something that had occurred  several years back that I had to call out.   She would ask for recommendations: restaurants, products, shopping, finance etc..   Without my asking she would bring into conversation how she did not care for the recommendation.   i wondered why she would continue to ask for advice, if she never cared for my choices.   Personally, I would only share an option if I were asked, I would never volunteer it, as I would see no purpose other than to embarrass the other person.   I made her aware of it, and she apologized.  She admitted that she could be quite critical, and never did it again.   She also told me how a fellow friend had mentioned how she could be quite critical.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Hollyj said:

, I think that there is something underlying and this is passive aggressive behavior on  her part.   

Yes. It's a power play. People who talk over others aren't just innocent chatterboxes . Drowning others out is an attempt to be dominant, to silence .

Think about it. When someone important or of a higher position speaks, people quiet down and listen.

It's sometimes nerves, personality, etc. But often it's a power trip.