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Interrupters

Hollyj

By Hollyj
in Relationship Advice

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boltnrun Grand Master

boltnrun

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I stop and let them finish their interruption.  Then I say "As I was trying to say..."  They usually look sheepish and get the hint.  If they don't and interrupt me again, I again let them finish and say "Can I start again, but this time you agree to let me finish?"

I have a tendency to interrupt too and it's something I've worked hard on.  It's very rude, so I definitely don't want to do it.  I am way, way better than I used to be.

Now, if I can just stop talking with food in my mouth!

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Could she be excited to talk with you? Has she always been like this or it's more noticeable recently?

It has increased.   Another  thing that makes me crazy, is that I will be sharing something where I am NOT seeking advice.  I will get through about half of the issue then get cutoff- I am not long-winded-  she will then tell me all of the things that she would do, nor being asked-not knowing the entire situation.   My "favorite" bit is she then proceeds to ask why I had not approached the issue in a certain way or done specific things, without even asking me what I had done-I had already done all of the things she had assumed I had not completed.  It makes me so frustrated.  This is not something that is supportive and makes me feel worse. 

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

If interrupted repeatedly, at some point I'll step over their interruption and say firmly "please let me finish"  I've done it a couple times and I sense they get embarrassed.

I have to ask several times in a convo to please let me finish speaking.    She will monopolize.  

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lostandhurt Grand Master

lostandhurt

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Yikes!   I have caught myself doing that.   Sometimes it is with a long winded friend and if I catch myself doing it I stop and say, "I am sorry what were you saying"

 

  Not sure where it comes from in me but I do not like it.  It is one of the things I want to work on the most.  My nephew is a long pauser ( I know that isn't a real word) on the phone when talking.  He stops in-between words so it sounds like he is done speaking and then starts up again about the time I start speaking.  Talking to him helps me slow it down a little and see that it isn't a race to see who can be right or get what they want to say out first.

  The funny thing is I tried to teach my son to be a good listener always telling him to "Just don't wait for your turn to talk, listen then talk"  I guess I need to value the other persons thoughts more.  Perhaps that is what is going on here with your friend.

Lost

 

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Then she's not interested in what you have to say.  And if she's not, why is she a friend?

That's a good question.   She has been a wonderful friend over the years and has always been there.   I think that in this area I have to have a serious talk,  and if it is not resolved then we cannot continue.   Our next meetup is on her birthday- great convo to bring up.   I think that she has an issue with me, and is showing it in this manner. 

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Rose Mosse Grand Master

Rose Mosse

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50 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

It has increased.   Another  thing that makes me crazy, is that I will be sharing something where I am NOT seeking advice.  I will get through about half of the issue then get cutoff- I am not long-winded-  she will then tell me all of the things that she would do, nor being asked-not knowing the entire situation.   My "favorite" bit is she then proceeds to ask why I had not approached the issue in a certain way or done specific things, without even asking me what I had done-I had already done all of the things she had assumed I had not completed.  It makes me so frustrated.  This is not something that is supportive and makes me feel worse. 

.......my gut feeling on this is she feels you're not handling your life well and it's coming across in a sort of smothering way. It's kind of judgmental but also nice to know someone is looking out for you. I think it depends how you want to look at it. If she's extra annoying on some days, maybe wait to reply.

So many things are going on right now and life hasn't felt normal for many for a long, long time. Not making excuses for her though.

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Capricorn3 Grand Master

Capricorn3

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I stop and let them finish their interruption.  Then I say "As I was trying to say..."  They usually look sheepish and get the hint.  If they don't and interrupt me again, I again let them finish and say "Can I start again, but this time you agree to let me finish?"

lol, I do the same thing. Sometimes even that doesn't work.  Then I ask them "Were you there? Did you see what happened? Did you hear what we were discussing? I really don't remember seeing you there".  Then they look a little stunned and in the few seconds of silence I start again with .... "As I was trying to say ... again ...", lol.

Yes, it's super annoying.

 

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

 

 

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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25 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Yikes!   I have caught myself doing that.   Sometimes it is with a long winded friend and if I catch myself doing it I stop and say, "I am sorry what were you saying"

 

  Not sure where it comes from in me but I do not like it.  It is one of the things I want to work on the most.  My nephew is a long pauser ( I know that isn't a real word) on the phone when talking.  He stops in-between words so it sounds like he is done speaking and then starts up again about the time I start speaking.  Talking to him helps me slow it down a little and see that it isn't a race to see who can be right or get what they want to say out first.

  The funny thing is I tried to teach my son to be a good listener always telling him to "Just don't wait for your turn to talk, listen then talk"  I guess I need to value the other persons thoughts more.  Perhaps that is what is going on here with your friend.

Lost

 

I have learned to become a good listener, as I work with new immigrants seeking to improve their English.   I have to be cognizant not to speak more than 90% of the time.  Much of this has has now carried over into other parts of my life.   It is becoming habit.   So, when I do speak, I hope that folks will allow me to complete my thought.  

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

.......my gut feeling on this is she feels you're not handling your life well and it's coming across in a sort of smothering way. It's kind of judgmental but also nice to know someone is looking out for you. I think it depends how you want to look at it. If she's extra annoying on some days, maybe wait to reply.

So many things are going on right now and life hasn't felt normal for many for a long, long time. Not making excuses for her though.

I totally agree with you.   To me it seems controlling, but I am not needy and rarely share my issues.  This latest problem was regarding my mother's health.   I had already done the things that she assumed I hadn't done, and more.   I have dealt with the loss of a sibling and parent.   I have learned to utilize all resources, listen to and research, and follow through with advice, due to all I have dealt with in the past.  I don;t stick my head in the sand.   .   

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reinventmyself Grand Master

reinventmyself

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9 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I have learned to become a good lister, as I work with new immigrants seeking to improve their English.   I have to be cognizant not to speak more than 90% of the time.  Much of this has has now carried over into other parts of my life.   It is becoming habit.   So, when I do speak, I hope that folks will allow me to complete my thought.  

It's a great skill and a strength that you recognize this. It makes you more aware when someone else doesn't.

My job I have to listen to upset people all day.   Most of the time I don't have a solution and more often than not people just want to be heard.  I am rather reserved in person, so when I do actually have something to say it's really frustrating when I'm not listened to.  So, I totally get it.

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Tbh Holly I don't think a discussion will lead anywhere. 

You know she could have a bit of mania.  The racing away without any brakes on.  What do you think?

 

 

Sadly, without the discussion, I can't continue, as I feel disrespected.  I just wonder if it is best by phone or in person?

The funny bit, she is very disorganized and a total procrastinator.  

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Hollyj Grand Master

Hollyj

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3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I suppose in person might be best.  What you say about her being disorganized and a total procrastinator ties in with the racing speech and failure to concentrate in the moment.  Such people can be immensely tiring. 

 

 

I think you are  right.   

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