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Hello all,

Many of you may have offered advice and support on my previous posts and I'll be thankful forever for it. I really will.

It's a bit of a weird one being here today...the ex I mentioned in my previous post is all but forgotten. Yeah I miss her but for the large part I can now accept it wasn't really working.

It's my ex beforehand that has now caused me to have a sudden change in mental health and mindset.

If you look at my first ever posit you will keep how hurt etc I was.

Well all had been fine . I hadn't given her much thought other than hoping she was handling living through the pandemic safely enough. Her fluctuations with mental health and her ocd would have more than likely played havoc with her.

Anyway...prior to the most recent lockdown I was walking through town, I was sure I saw her, I couldn't guarantee it, bit for some reason I was sure it was her. She was waiting outside a shop and then a guy joined her and they walked off. Like I said, may not have even been her.

From that day on, I've been thinking about her, is she dating, how's she coping, will I speak to her again etc etc.

It's really frustrating as I don't want to be like this at all.

I find myself breaking down reasons it wouldn't have been her that I saw, such as I know how bad her OCD is around things like covid. She would be very anxious being around ppl for example.

I ponder about a support bubble for her. She's very very close to her parents who live just down the road so would she put dating on hold in order to be able to keep seeing her parents.

 

I've put myself back on dating sites but am getting no luck and as of yet haven't stumbled across her profile which made me think she's either seeing someone or she's not comfortable with dating.

I really really dont wanna be thinking about all this but I really cant seem to switch it off

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Do you perhaps also suffer from OCD? You seem to have a tendency toward obsessive loop thought processes and excessive rumination.

What things have you been doing during this difficult lockdown/shutdown time? Any communication with family and friends? Any outdoor activities? Are you working from home or in a workplace? What do you do during your free time?

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This trick has worked very well for me in the past.

When I would find myself thinking or dwelling on something that really didn't matter any longer and causing me to begin that circular thinking I would ask myself this simple question: "What good will come from thinking about this?"  The answer is always "Nothing" so it kind of forced me out of the loop.  Then I would try and remember the lyrics to a song or put earbuds in and listen to music.  The idle mind can take you places you really shouldn't be.

 Obviously if you were in a relationship you wouldn't have these thoughts so accept that you still have feelings for her in some capacity and even deep down may have some glimmer of hope that she misses you and wants you in her life.

Being honest with yourself and accepting what you want to ignore is the key.

 Lost 

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7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you perhaps also suffer from OCD? You seem to have a tendency toward obsessive loop thought processes and excessive rumination.

What things have you been doing during this difficult lockdown/shutdown time? Any communication with family and friends? Any outdoor activities? Are you working from home or in a workplace? What do you do during your free time?

I'm still working at my workplace rather than from home.

I speak with my parents most days and see ppl at work. I play video games with friends online so we chat often too.

I think part of it for me is an element of jealousy. I look at the life my ex had prior to me and sometimes wish I had experienced it too. I know she regrets what she use to so but I think it would have made me stronger if I had done similar.

It's also the knowing she could be really happy whilst I'm here feeling low.

 

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1 minute ago, Rb1980 said:

I'm still working at my workplace rather than from home.

I speak with my parents most days and see ppl at work. I play video games with friends online so we chat often too.

I think part of it for me is an element of jealousy. I look at the life my ex had prior to me and sometimes wish I had experienced it too. I know she regrets what she use to so but I think it would have made me stronger if I had done similar.

It's also the knowing she could be really happy whilst I'm here feeling low.

 

Do you try to redirect your thoughts when you find yourself in an obsessive thought loop?

I suggest googling cognitive behavior therapy to learn tools to stop rumination.

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8 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

This trick has worked very well for me in the past.

When I would find myself thinking or dwelling on something that really didn't matter any longer and causing me to begin that circular thinking I would ask myself this simple question: "What good will come from thinking about this?"  The answer is always "Nothing" so it kind of forced me out of the loop.  Then I would try and remember the lyrics to a song or put earbuds in and listen to music.  The idle mind can take you places you really shouldn't be.

 Obviously if you were in a relationship you wouldn't have these thoughts so accept that you still have feelings for her in some capacity and even deep down may have some glimmer of hope that she misses you and wants you in her life.

Being honest with yourself and accepting what you want to ignore is the key.

 Lost 

I agree with this.  With each 'what if' and time spent wondering, I would set myself straight by asking myself - "would it change the outcome?"  The answer is always no.

That and the energy one used to ruminate about these things.  After I remind myself nothing will change and we will all move forward, I chose to look at that energy spent as a gift to myself I could otherwise be using on something that would benefit myself.

It works for me.  I centers me and causes me to feel calm.   Recognize things that are out of your control and practice letting go.  

 

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Do you try to redirect your thoughts when you find yourself in an obsessive thought loop?

I suggest googling cognitive behavior therapy to learn tools to stop rumination.

I want to redirect them and it happens sometimes but for some reason random things pop into my head at totally random times. For example I might be working and then I'll remember a conversation we had or something that happened between us and begin analysis of it.

If I break down how she was with me when she was suffering with her mental health, I can see how she was often quite horrible to me. She once said she feared she suffers from BPD and that that could be the reason why. In some respects I want to use her moody attitude as a reason to see she wasn't for me, the thing is, on the whole she was never like it though.

 

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Question: What is the longest period you've gone in life when you're not in a relationship, mourning a relationship, and/or trying to get into a new relationship? 

I ask because I get the feeling, from your posting history, that you could use a stretch of time to just breathe, to exist in your own head and heart and skin for a bit. It may initially be a bit lonesome and uncomfortable, but you may find it resets some gauges that, these days, are prone to overheat. 

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1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

Question: What is the longest period you've gone in life when you're not in a relationship, mourning a relationship, and/or trying to get into a new relationship? 

I ask because I get the feeling, from your posting history, that you could use a stretch of time to just breathe, to exist in your own head and heart and skin for a bit. It may initially be a bit lonesome and uncomfortable, but you may find it resets some gauges that, these days, are prone to overheat. 

5 years!!

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56 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

5 years!!

So you mean you were completely free of any romantic entanglements and/or obsessive loop ruminating thoughts about an ex for 5 years?

What did you do differently from what you're doing today?

Are you willing to look into and try cognitive behavioral therapy techniques?

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57 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you mean you were completely free of any romantic entanglements and/or obsessive loop ruminating thoughts about an ex for 5 years?

What did you do differently from what you're doing today?

Are you willing to look into and try cognitive behavioral therapy techniques?

Yeah. I've never been very good at attracting girls. Almost feel like I don't know how! Haha!

I don't think I was doing anything different I just didn't know how to find anyone. I just seemed to think it would just happen!

Yeah I would consider looking into it

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My thoughts are that you are pondering a lot of things, as many of us are also doing, in this era of health restrictions and relative isolation from the rest of friends and family and regular ongoings. I like Lostandhurt's advice about forcing yourself out of a loop. 

To top it off you saw this ex on the same dating site you're on? Of course this is bound to conjure up thoughts from the past.

I also wouldn't be too hard on yourself thinking about your ex or other people you know (or have known) for a day or two. Who doesn't?!

The difference is knowing when to act on it and when not to act on it and whether you're able to still function and work on your other commitments. If you don't have any, create some. Find hobbies you enjoy doing or that you can get into regularly. 

Another trick is acknowledging yourself and your thoughts but learning to be kind to yourself too. Instead of beating yourself up over having them (and possibly causing yourself to become more intensely interested with the topic), just acknowledge it and let your thoughts pass naturally onto something else. I think you're too fixated on the idea that there's something wrong with you or that you have to "switch it off".

Give your mind something else to work on. I don't mean join another dating app/site either. I mean real mental or spiritual nourishment, even physical if you're wanting more movement. Pursue things or topics that mean a lot to you.

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Thanks all.

Weirdly the thing I'm most getting worked up on is her past. It has nothing to do with me now and it didn't when we were together but it creeps into my head.

She is 10 years younger then me and had slept with many more people than me. When we were together she told me how she regretted more than half of them and that it came from a time in her life when she felt very insecure about herself and unloved/wanted. So when a guy showed attention she had to try and impress him. She thought sex would do this but 9 times out of 10, the guy would ghost her or say he didn't want anything serious.

I could understand this but it still didn't sit well.  So we chatted about it when we were together and she said she is no longer like that and has a guard about sex etc due to getting hurt etc. She felt pleased I wasnt like that and that I respected her. We didn't sleep together for a while as she was worried it was too soon and didn't want just sex. She would always say how she was keen not to ruin things.

For some reason now though I'm finding myself working out when she was like this and why, how she could sleep with so many so quick when I struggle to even get 1 date. I don't feel this message is fully explaining what my struggle is but it's envisaging this person that is genuinely so sweet and kind would be this way.

She does suffer from poor mental health at times plus worries she has BPD.

 

I really don't want to be thinking like this 😥

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I'm doing a bit of extra work for some local businesses, writing content for them etc. I'm playing video games etc.

It just seems I still have these thoughts even when doing these things.

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That's why I think CBT would help.

They suggest things like, when those obsessive repetitive thoughts start you start reciting song lyrics inside your head, or you wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you start thinking those thoughts, things like that.  They may sound silly but they work.

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27 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

For some reason now though I'm finding myself working out when she was like this and why, how she could sleep with so many so quick when I struggle to even get 1 date.

That was then, Rb. The past. Not for you to analyse the whys and the wherefores. As I remarked on another thread. "The past is another country, and they do things differently there". 

You are not her, and you are here today, not time-travelling somewhere back in her date-filled past. Now is NOW, Rb. 

I feel that you need to get out, by that I mean outdoors, as much as possible despite restrictions. Get away from those screens. Not conducive to clear thinking. 

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Thank you. I totally understand that what I'm doing isn't good for me and I hate I've started this thought process again.

In part I keep thinking if she is with someone now, how long it may have been and if she tells him the things she told me,  it's none of my business and it shouldn't matter to me as I got together with someone in the summer. It's not fair of me to make it one rule for one!

Another part is that I concern myself for her mental well-being. Her OCD can be quite severe and this pandemic probably hasn't helped. I wonder how her days go by and who she had made a support bubble with.

Then a further part analyses her past, our relationship and what caused it's faults.

I distinctly remember her struggling with the death of a relative, the loss of her job and her health issues all within a few months of each other.. She always said how my support was invaluable and "thanks for loving me when I couldn't love myself" yet it was during these times things became harder between us. 

 

So I guess I'm just feeling lonely, reflecting on a moment of my life that I truly loved and regretting not having taken enough risks in earlier stages of life.

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