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Boyfriend stopped hanging out with his female friend because I told him about relationship boundaries?


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7 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yup, she was put in her place.  Seems like she didn't like - either jealous or insulted.

To the point she could not have 'all she wanted in this'.. or just thought, fine, you don't want me around.

But. if this is how it is between them, fine.. Both will recover.

Good stuff.

Oh yeah definitely, my bf recovered already, and pretty quick 🙂 Thanks

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18 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I have a couple of close male friends but one of them is gay, so I know with him it's not the same. I personally don't mind if my boyfriend had female friends but as long as I could see that there is nothing going on there and that my boyfriend is being very open and honest about this friendship.

I think it does sound weird that your boyfriend wouldn't mention that he's catching up with this girl. Why would he be hiding it? He doesn't necessarily have to tell you every single little thing he's doing but it's normal to say: "I'm going for a walk with Bill", "I'm playing online games with Jess". Not because he has to inform you of everything but just because it's normal to mention these kinds of things to your partner. I think this girl was being too overly friendly, especially because she knows he has a girlfriend. Massaging him every day and buying gifts for no reason is a bit inappropriate considering her friend is in a relationship. If she texted him and hung out with him only occasionally and was friendly towards you too, that would be different. My guess is your boyfriend knows she likes him and maybe he was hiding some things because of that. I'm not saying he cheated on you or even that he's that into her. But he probably knows she's into him and that's why he didn't want to tell you sometimes that he's hanging out with her.

I see things exactly how you do. And yeah if he would have hanged out with her once ever now and then or played games or texted, this wouldn't bring the end towards their friendship or create uncomfortable situation. He has a tendency not to be direct or not mention things. And this was one occasion I caught him on by asking indirect question about his whereabouts. I have no idea how many times they were out together. But assume few times without him mentioning to me where he was. Generally while he was living in the shared accommodation he would have go out for walks very frequently... and since we moved in not that often. Yeah my gut feeling says she was into him and he didn't want to tell,  that's how I see it. Thanks 🙂

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18 hours ago, NoraJohns said:

 she was harsh on him over the phone and also refused his xmas gift, that says what a good friend she is. 

He made the right choice. If he's living with you now, that needs to be his focus.

It sounds like in her mind they were more than friends and she viewed his drawing a line in the sand as more of a breakup.

Excellent you two communicate well. It may be best not to invite her over or try to be her friend. 

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17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He made the right choice. If he's living with you now, that needs to be his focus.

It sounds like in her mind they were more than friends and she viewed his drawing a line in the sand as more of a breakup.

Excellent you two communicate well. It may be best not to invite her over or try to be her friend. 

Exactly that, she is in her 30s and single, I don't know what she was thinking. Inviting her over or communicate with her is excluded for me. As he said if he will be ina group of freinds and she'll be there, he would briefly speak to her. Which is fine with me. Thank you 🙂

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5 hours ago, NoraJohns said:

Exactly that, she is in her 30s and single, I don't know what she was thinking. Inviting her over or communicate with her is excluded for me. As he said if he will be ina group of freinds and she'll be there, he would briefly speak to her. Which is fine with me. Thank you 🙂

I think it would be wise for you to tell your boyfriend your general boundaries.  I don't think it matters if a woman is single or married - what matters is do you trust your boyfriend and trust him to make appropriate choices.  For example, I most certainly would -in non-covid times -meet my male friend for lunch one on one and most likely I'd invite my husband and most likely he wouldn't be able to make it/wouldn't want to go/and would be totally fine with me going as he should be in my world.  I talk on the phone for long periods of time with my male friends just like with my female friends -when we can find the time.  Would I go on a date with a male friend -meaning something date-like like a romantic restaurant at night just the two of us. Nope.  Why? Because it might give the wrong impression, with rare exception.

But please -if you don't want your boyfriend being close friends with a woman because she is single you should tell him that.  And be clear what you mean -do you mean not married? Is dating someone else single or not? This situation you described tells me that part of this was poor communication and part was your boyfriend choosing to cross boundaries that were problematic.

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My closest friend is a man who is gay and married to a man. We used to frequently hang out together (not anymore because we now live hundreds of miles apart). The FIRST question I would ask when we made plans was "Is <Husband> coming too?" Because I wanted him to attend, plus even though they are gay I respect relationships. His husband almost never came along because he is an extreme introvert who doesn't like to go out, but the appropriate thing to do is for him to at least be invited. We did occasionally go out as a trio.

It's important to respect people's relationships.

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17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it would be wise for you to tell your boyfriend your general boundaries.  I don't think it matters if a woman is single or married - what matters is do you trust your boyfriend and trust him to make appropriate choices.  For example, I most certainly would -in non-covid times -meet my male friend for lunch one on one and most likely I'd invite my husband and most likely he wouldn't be able to make it/wouldn't want to go/and would be totally fine with me going as he should be in my world.  I talk on the phone for long periods of time with my male friends just like with my female friends -when we can find the time.  Would I go on a date with a male friend -meaning something date-like like a romantic restaurant at night just the two of us. Nope.  Why? Because it might give the wrong impression, with rare exception.

But please -if you don't want your boyfriend being close friends with a woman because she is single you should tell him that.  And be clear what you mean -do you mean not married? Is dating someone else single or not? This situation you described tells me that part of this was poor communication and part was your boyfriend choosing to cross boundaries that were problematic.

Thanks for reply. It is really not a problem for me if a woman is single or not, but in this context it is one of many factors that I took into consideration in order to understand the situation. I agree with you that boudaries needed to be communicated, for me it was a self discovery to understand myself better and where to draw a line. I never had a similar experience in the past. The more you invest in relationship, more likely that you can become jealous.

There are lessons for everyone here. Thanks again.

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6 hours ago, NoraJohns said:

Thanks for reply. It is really not a problem for me if a woman is single or not, but in this context it is one of many factors that I took into consideration in order to understand the situation. I agree with you that boudaries needed to be communicated, for me it was a self discovery to understand myself better and where to draw a line. I never had a similar experience in the past. The more you invest in relationship, more likely that you can become jealous.

There are lessons for everyone here. Thanks again.

Interesting!  I think the more secure you feel within yourself and in a relationship the less likely you are likely to react to feelings of jealousy in the way you did. If you trust the person you trust them.  I have basically irrational feelings about a person my husband interacts with who I do not trust.  He knows how I feel about this person.  But, I trust him and nothing that is going on in the interactions is inappropriate.  She has a past I am uncomfortable with.  But since I trust him I can deal with my feelings on my own without escalation.

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While I do think in this case that it was a good thing to for him to put this particular friendship on the rock and I 'm glad he took your concerns seriously. 

You do want to be careful in the future.  Think about if you are ok with him having female friends or not, and if so- what particular boundaries do you expect? 

You can have female friends, but don't hide it?  You can have female friends, but don't text them all night?  And so forth.  Everyone is different in their comfort level.  Once you do set these boundaries, you must be careful never to cross them yourself or get upset if he is following them and you just happened not to like one of his female friends. 

I'm glad you had a conversation.  But, it's important to have that follow up conversation, cause if you don't or don't adhere to your own rules- " You made me stop being friends with so and so" is likely to bite you in the rear end someday. 

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Interesting!  I think the more secure you feel within yourself and in a relationship the less likely you are likely to react to feelings of jealousy in the way you did. If you trust the person you trust them.  I have basically irrational feelings about a person my husband interacts with who I do not trust.  He knows how I feel about this person.  But, I trust him and nothing that is going on in the interactions is inappropriate.  She has a past I am uncomfortable with.  But since I trust him I can deal with my feelings on my own without escalation.

I understand and thank you for sharing, it might be not easy for you. I am learning  how to deal with my feelings and this particular situation made me look deeper within myself. It is an ongoing process, but it is worth doing. I just want to have peace of mind and do not stress about these things. It is not worth it. Certain things happen in our lives that make us grow and make use wiser. I take this occasion as a lesson for myself 🙂

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4 hours ago, redswim30 said:

While I do think in this case that it was a good thing to for him to put this particular friendship on the rock and I 'm glad he took your concerns seriously. 

You do want to be careful in the future.  Think about if you are ok with him having female friends or not, and if so- what particular boundaries do you expect? 

You can have female friends, but don't hide it?  You can have female friends, but don't text them all night?  And so forth.  Everyone is different in their comfort level.  Once you do set these boundaries, you must be careful never to cross them yourself or get upset if he is following them and you just happened not to like one of his female friends. 

I'm glad you had a conversation.  But, it's important to have that follow up conversation, cause if you don't or don't adhere to your own rules- " You made me stop being friends with so and so" is likely to bite you in the rear end someday. 

Thank you, I am learning and I am sure I will be able to outgrow feelings that do not serve me and my relationship 🙂

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1 minute ago, NoraJohns said:

Thank you, I am learning and I am sure I will be able to outgrow feelings that do not serve me and my relationship 🙂

I don't think it's about outgrowing feelings.  No control over feeling.  Just your choice of reaction to your feelings.

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