Jump to content

Dating a woman with a kid....


Recommended Posts

So I've been dating a 33 year old woman(I am 32) for a month or so now and we've been on a few dates and have talked to each other mostly everyday all day and conversations have gotten pretty deep.  I do not have a kid and she has a 9 year old boy and divorced 3 years ago.  We've kind of talked about being in a relationship but she said she didn't want to be pressured into anything exclusive right now and she wanted to take is slow and see where it goes.  Anyways I am fine with that and have told her that I am ok with her having a son, even though I have never dated anyone with a kid.  I have been doing research online about it and of course I've seen way more cons than pros when these relationships happen.  But during our conversations she is constantly bringing up the fact that she has a son and am I ready to run away yet?  She says she is trying to bring me into reality of how it is because of previous relationships.  At first I was completely ok with this but the constant reminder from her about it has casts some doubt in my mind.  Can anyone give me some feedback on this situation?  I really like this girl, she has a great job and her ex-husband is still heavily involved as they split everything 50/50.   Any thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, mark_9092 said:

So I've been dating a 33 year old woman(I am 32) for a month or so now and we've been on a few dates and have talked to each other mostly everyday all day and conversations have gotten pretty deep.  I do not have a kid and she has a 9 year old boy and divorced 3 years ago.  We've kind of talked about being in a relationship but she said she didn't want to be pressured into anything exclusive right now and she wanted to take is slow and see where it goes.  Anyways I am fine with that and have told her that I am ok with her having a son, even though I have never dated anyone with a kid.  I have been doing research online about it and of course I've seen way more cons than pros when these relationships happen.  But during our conversations she is constantly bringing up the fact that she has a son and am I ready to run away yet?  She says she is trying to bring me into reality of how it is because of previous relationships.  At first I was completely ok with this but the constant reminder from her about it has casts some doubt in my mind.  Can anyone give me some feedback on this situation?  I really like this girl, she has a great job and her ex-husband is still heavily involved as they split everything 50/50.   Any thoughts?

Well, as a divorced mom of an 8 year old, I waded through plenty of people before I found one that I thought would fit into our lives.  She is the only one my son has met and we are engaged.  
 

There’s no involvement from my ex at all.  
 

My worry here is that she seems really panicky about thinking her child is gonna drive people away.  That speaks on her mindset a lot.  She should be viewing this as a package deal if she’s looking to eventually get serious, and if she’s NOT and wants something casual, there’s no reason to be bringing that up every 2 seconds.  I did date casually with people I knew it was only going to be short term with, and those conversations never happened...they didn’t need to.  They never met him and weren’t going to.  
 

Maybe she’s got some emotional baggage to work on from her previous relationships where they maybe did leave because they couldn’t handle a partner with a kid.  
 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Cheetarah said:

Well, as a divorced mom of an 8 year old, I waded through plenty of people before I found one that I thought would fit into our lives.  She is the only one my son has met and we are engaged.  
 

There’s no involvement from my ex at all.  
 

My worry here is that she seems really panicky about thinking her child is gonna drive people away.  That speaks on her mindset a lot.  She should be viewing this as a package deal if she’s looking to eventually get serious, and if she’s NOT and wants something casual, there’s no reason to be bringing that up every 2 seconds.  I did date casually with people I knew it was only going to be short term with, and those conversations never happened...they didn’t need to.  They never met him and weren’t going to.  
 

Maybe she’s got some emotional baggage to work on from her previous relationships where they maybe did leave because they couldn’t handle a partner with a kid.  
 

 

She has mentioned her previous relationship, the guy was very close to the kid and got caught cheating on her and just left.  She said that hurt her as well as the kid.  Which is completely understandable.  But I haven't given her a reason to think that, but I get she may be protective from the previous relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Mark, every situation with a single mom is different. The only thing that is consistent is the child will always come first.

Questions you need to ask are: How available is she without the kid. once a week? every other weekend?

What is the relationship like with her ex (father of the child)

What are the custody arrangements?

Is she receiving child support?

Is she broke a$$ poor?

Does the kid have health or mental issues?

What about future plans? like does she want to marry again? does she want more children?

Does she expect you to step in the step father role if things get more serious? Would you be ready to take on something like that?

Would she be ok with something more casual? Just meet up for dates and sex, but with no intention of solid commitment relationship or being a part of each others life?

 

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, mark_9092 said:

She has mentioned her previous relationship, the guy was very close to the kid and got caught cheating on her and just left.  She said that hurt her as well as the kid.  Which is completely understandable.  But I haven't given her a reason to think that, but I get she may be protective from the previous relationship.

Understandably so.  She should be.  You’ve only known each other a month, though.  That’s hardly any time for her to make any assumptions about your character when it comes to that, or for her to be concerned about it.  I’m assuming you have not met her child and aren’t going to any time soon, as she wants to go slow.  Yeah? 
 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Cheetarah said:

Understandably so.  She should be.  You’ve only known each other a month, though.  That’s hardly any time for her to make any assumptions about your character when it comes to that, or for her to be concerned about it.  I’m assuming you have not met her child and aren’t going to any time soon, as she wants to go slow.  Yeah? 
 

 

No i have not met her son, except for on a facetime call.  My concern is the constant reminder I get from her about her having a kid and am I running away yet.

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Cheetarah said:

Understandably so.  She should be.  You’ve only known each other a month, though.  That’s hardly any time for her to make any assumptions about your character when it comes to that, or for her to be concerned about it.  I’m assuming you have not met her child and aren’t going to any time soon, as she wants to go slow.  Yeah? 
 

 

 

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Mark, every situation with a single mom is different. The only thing that is consistent is the child will always come first.

Questions you need to ask are: How available is she without the kid. once a week? every other weekend? Every other week

What is the relationship like with her ex (father of the child) Good relationship (She says)

What are the custody arrangements? 50/50

Is she receiving child support? not sure

Is she broke a$$ poor? no she has a good job

Does the kid have health or mental issues? not sure

What about future plans? like does she want to marry again? does she want more children? doesnt have to be, but does want a long term relationship

Does she expect you to step in the step father role if things get more serious? Would you be ready to take on something like that? She probably doesnt want that as the dad is heavily involved

Would she be ok with something more casual? Just meet up for dates and sex, but with no intention of solid commitment relationship or being a part of each others life?  not sure

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, mark_9092 said:

No i have not met her son, except for on a facetime call.  My concern is the constant reminder I get from her about her having a kid and am I running away yet.

Was that intentional?  Or was the boy wildin out in the background and you just so happened to see him?  

I can understand her concern.  That's a very real and valid fear, of getting seriously involved with someone your child gets attached to and then boom, it's done and now you've got a child who, as children by nature are egocentric, will probably think it's all their fault.  

Maybe it is time to have a frank conversation about the fact that she keeps bringing that up to you.  Mention the frequency of it and ask questions, ask why.  Ask what exactly her definition of slow is.  

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

She's 33, with a 9 year old, facts that I'd imagine sets her far apart from the majority of her peers and the majority of women someone like you will meet. That's bound to make some people a bit skittish and protective, especially if she's had a lousy experience of dating as a single mom, which she clearly has. Plus, good moms are inherently skeptical and protective, some wearing this on their sleeve more than others.

Being that it's so early, I'd treat this the way you treat everything at this stage: just getting to know someone, feeling someone out as they do the same, and seeing how that makes you feel. More interested, or less? Wary, or open? An object of curiosity, or of judgement? Best thing about this stage is that there aren't really wrong answers here, since the stakes are so low. 

For what it's worth? In the early days with my girlfriend—who was 34 with a 7 year old—there was this little joke that came up here and there. We'd be having a great, gauzy time and she'd go, "You do know I have a kid, right?" Her way of reminding me that the full package was not just wine and cheese and the endless chatter of early dating, and perhaps making sure that I (a childless man with no experience with kids) wasn't planning an exit or internally freaking out. I'd go, jokingly, "Wait—you mean a kid kid? Like 3D?" Just a light way of saying yes, I was aware that she was a mother, understood the protective impulse, and trusted we'd each feel things out in a way that worked, at the right pace.

Growing up with a single mom probably helped me take that protective attitude seriously but not personally. 

Anyhow, this whole thing sounds pretty great, and healthy. It's been a month. If you are genuinely still interested in her, just keep exploring. Perhaps when the time is right—calm, light, etc.—you can take the initiative and say something to the effect that you understand, best you can, how much is at stake for her and ensure her that you'll be forthcoming with any concerns. You might find that offering that, along with just giving things more time to unfold, will result in less nervy statements from her. And if it doesn't? Well, assess that then. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Been there done that. I dated a man when I was in my mid 20s and he was in his 30s who had a child. Before him, I honestly didn’t want to date someone with a kid(s). But after so many bad dates with men without kids I decided to open up to men with kids. 

I walked in knowing he will always put his child first. I was more than okay with that because I would hope he would put his child first. The child’s mother was in the picture still and she was crazy jealous. I would hear how she didn’t want me around or to be the child’s mother. I wasn’t the child’s mother. She was just insecure and jealous. I never played the mother role to their child. 

The child was 11 when I met him. I mainly picked him from events if his dad couldn’t, which was rarely. I was always there as a person he could ask advice from. 

The man I dated was pretty good a keeping a balance with his son and me. I honestly did not feel like I came second in his life. 

But as the years passed, he would include his then 13 year old son on all our dates. He then started to place me third. We would have events lined up and he would cancel saying something about his son. 

If the son’s mother got wind that the boy’s father and I wanted to go on a weekend getaway, the mother would throw their son at us saying she can’t care for him this week cause she has plans. This man allowed all this craziness. 

To finish this up, if you are having doubts, then just end the relationship now. She sounds like she’s going to rely on you a lot with the kid and if you’re not up for that, move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
26 minutes ago, Cheetarah said:

Was that intentional?  Or was the boy wildin out in the background and you just so happened to see him?  

I can understand her concern.  That's a very real and valid fear, of getting seriously involved with someone your child gets attached to and then boom, it's done and now you've got a child who, as children by nature are egocentric, will probably think it's all their fault.  

Maybe it is time to have a frank conversation about the fact that she keeps bringing that up to you.  Mention the frequency of it and ask questions, ask why.  Ask what exactly her definition of slow is.  

It was intentional

Link to post
Share on other sites
20 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

She's 33, with a 9 year old, facts that I'd imagine sets her far apart from the majority of her peers and the majority of women someone like you will meet. That's bound to make some people a bit skittish and protective, especially if she's had a lousy experience of dating as a single mom, which she clearly has. Plus, good moms are inherently skeptical and protective, some wearing this on their sleeve more than others.

Being that it's so early, I'd treat this the way you treat everything at this stage: just getting to know someone, feeling someone out as they do the same, and seeing how that makes you feel. More interested, or less? Wary, or open? An object of curiosity, or of judgement? Best thing about this stage is that there aren't really wrong answers here, since the stakes are so low. 

For what it's worth? In the early days with my girlfriend—who was 34 with a 7 year old—there was this little joke that came up here and there. We'd be having a great, gauzy time and she'd go, "You do know I have a kid, right?" Her way of reminding me that the full package was not just wine and cheese and the endless chatter of early dating, and perhaps making sure that I (a childless man with no experience with kids) wasn't planning an exit or internally freaking out. I'd go, jokingly, "Wait—you mean a kid kid? Like 3D?" Just a light way of saying yes, I was aware that she was a mother, understood the protective impulse, and trusted we'd each feel things out in a way that worked, at the right pace.

Growing up with a single mom probably helped me take that protective attitude seriously but not personally. 

Anyhow, this whole thing sounds pretty great, and healthy. It's been a month. If you are genuinely still interested in her, just keep exploring. Perhaps when the time is right—calm, light, etc.—you can take the initiative and say something to the effect that you understand, best you can, how much is at stake for her and ensure her that you'll be forthcoming with any concerns. You might find that offering that, along with just giving things more time to unfold, will result in less nervy statements from her. And if it doesn't? Well, assess that then. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good information here, sounds a lot like my situation.  I'm just going to keep playing like we have been and see where it goes.  Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites
56 minutes ago, TryingtoSucceed said:

if you are having doubts, then just end the relationship now. She sounds like she’s going to rely on you a lot with the kid and if you’re not up for that, move on.

OP. Life is as simple or as complicated as we wish to make it. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Mark

  So you want some Pros to with all those cons you have read about.

Pro- Being a good mom is a plus.

Pro - She is responsible for someone other than herself.

There are many more but you should get the point.   If I were you I would get out ahead of this and suggest that you not meet her son until you have dated at least 6 months to protect the child from any confusion.  I would imagine you have already discussed what each of you are looking for right?  If not that discussion needs to be had sooner than later when a child is involved. 

  This looks like she is trying to avoid her child getting attached to some guy and then getting hurt when he leaves.

Lost 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Mark

  So you want some Pros to with all those cons you have read about.

Pro- Being a good mom is a plus.

Pro - She is responsible for someone other than herself.

There are many more but you should get the point.   If I were you I would get out ahead of this and suggest that you not meet her son until you have dated at least 6 months to protect the child from any confusion.  I would imagine you have already discussed what each of you are looking for right?  If not that discussion needs to be had sooner than later when a child is involved. 

  This looks like she is trying to avoid her child getting attached to some guy and then getting hurt when he leaves.

Lost 

You are exactly right and I did mention that to her...let's wait on meeting the son.  Date for awhile and see where it goes.  Yes we have discussed what we are both looking for, which is a real relationship.  You are right in saying she doesn't want her child to get attached to someone then he leaves, we have talked about that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Echoing Lost, and speaking from my own experience and invariable bias, I found there to be many pros and really no cons to dating someone with a child. 

On one hand it's a curious thing, in that you go through the early months of dating and getting to know someone with a huge part of their lives still abstract and inaccessible, which can by occasionally awkward on both ends. But on the other, you get an immediate, front row seat to see how someone goes about the business of being themselves with the highest of stakes. 

Granted, if you find she routinely typecasts you as about to "run," even while you're standing still and/or leaning in, I'd understand the buzzkill there. But if you can allow for some grace to see if that burns off a bit, who knows? You could be in for something wildly rich and life changing.

Great sign, by the way, that she seems to have a solid co-parenting arrangement with her ex. That there speaks volumes for character, to say nothing of you guys being able to do your thing without static and drama.  

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

Echoing Lost, and speaking from my own experience and invariable bias, I found there to be many pros and really no cons to dating someone with a child. 

On one hand it's a curious thing, in that you go through the early months of dating and getting to know someone with a huge part of their lives still abstract and inaccessible, which can by occasionally awkward on both ends. But on the other, you get an immediate, front row seat to see how someone goes about the business of being themselves with the highest of stakes. 

Granted, if you find she routinely typecasts you as about to "run," even while you're standing still and/or leaning in, I'd understand the buzzkill there. But if you can allow for some grace to see if that burns off a bit, who knows? You could be in for something wildly rich and life changing.

Great sign, by the way, that she seems to have a solid co-parenting arrangement with her ex. That there speaks volumes for character, to say nothing of you guys being able to do your thing without static and drama.  

Genius

We are lucky to have you Blue

 Lost 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

My thoughts are to take it one day at a time and most of all, remain realistic.  Know that you will never be #1 in her life.  Her son will always be #1, take top priority and precedence over you.  Know your place, be prepared to yield frequently and never become surprised to wait in line.  (I'm a mother of sons and very aware how a mother is.) 

It will never be the two of you like most couples.  It will always be the three of you in this equation and relationship.  There's less money, energy and time for you and the relationship.  Her energy and resources always will be with her son first and foremost.  Keep in mind, she still must constantly confer with her ex-husband.  This is a complicated, very complex relationship. 

If you don't mind these types of restrictions, then continue having a relationship with her.  If you don't have the patience of a saint, she is not the one for you and you're better off being in a relationship or dating a single woman; no strings attached, no baggage.   Relationships and the dating scene are a lot easier with less people in it! 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

As much as she needs to be thoughtful about dating and being protective mom, I don't quite understand why all the talk about it 4 weeks in?

She has 50/50 custody and more than plenty adult time.

Personally I didn't involve my son's in my adult life.  I kept them separate and used that time to get to know someone and determine whether they were a fit partner for my life.  If I considered marrying someone or living together, I'd cross that bridge when it was time.  But not 4 weeks in.  

It was pretty easy to not mix the two.  4 weeks in, you two barely know each other and she keeps challenging your parenting ability.  I think she thinks shes doing the right thing by testing you, but going about it the wrong way.

Having said that it doesn't make her bad, just handling this awkwardly.  Maybe a little insecure, especially in light of her previous experience. 

She could calm her nerves with going about this differently.  I totally understand her being protective and not wanting her son disappointed.  But she'd be better off being her own agent, taking her time and not mixing it up.  Instead she's kinda grilling you about it and putting alot of responsibility unnecessarily on you.

It's her responsibility to do right by the boy.  Not yours.

On the other hand, I declined opportunities to meet someone else's child too soon.  I admit that I might have judged someone who wasn't little more discerning about bringing different people into their childrens world.

Edited by reinventmyself
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, she seems to want reassurance that you'll stick around because of her past issues.

Try not to take the remarks personally. All you can do is be slow and steady. 

Once in a while you can say "I'm here, aren't I", just to move the conversation along. Let her know you're aware and there.

Of course it's too soon to make promises about the future. When she sees a steady pace, she'll have to eventually come to her own terms on this fear.

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

It will never be the two of you like most couples.  It will always be the three of you in this equation and relationship.  There's less money, energy and time for you and the relationship.  Her energy and resources always will be with her son first and foremost.  Keep in mind, she still must constantly confer with her ex-husband.  This is a complicated, very complex relationship. 

If you don't mind these types of restrictions, then continue having a relationship with her.  If you don't have the patience of a saint, she is not the one for you and you're better off being in a relationship or dating a single woman; no strings attached, no baggage.   Relationships and the dating scene are a lot easier with less people in it! 

Utterly agree with every word, Cher.

That is the bottom line. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't like the constant display of neediness/insecurity whether she had a child or not.  It's self absorbed - she knows she told you, so her repeating it ad nauseum is all about her - it's annoying, needy, not a good look. If she's that concerned then she should either talk to a therapist or a trusted friend -not subject a new person in her life to "are you sure??? are you sure??"  Her ex is the dad so of course she should make sure her child gets time with his father and that means being involved to make sure that happens appropriately.  

I personally would have dated someone with a child only if I was wildly enthusiastic about eventually being a step parent.  I dated one man whose ex girlfriend had a baby while we were dating.  I realized a month after the child was born (he cancelled a date with me by voicemail "her water broke, can't make it!") that it wasn't for me and I ended it (also because her friends stared me down at a movie theater where we were together). I went on a few dates with a guy who said that if we kept dating he'd want me to stay over when he had his kids there.  I wasn't ok with that.

Make the decision now -she sounds like she lacks common sense/basic social skills because she's overwhelmed with her insecurities.  I don't think that will be much of a turn on -it's already grating on your nerves.  Let her date someone with a child who wants to hear that kind of thing or perhaps she'll realize she needs to improve the way she interacts with people and chill on the "I have a child" refrain.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...