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Have I (27F) become his (34M) glorified booty call prospect?


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Hello, hope everyone is as well as can be. Nervous about making this post. Apologies in advance as this is going to be LONG so that I might give as much background info as possible. I hope y'all can bare with me. 

Alright, so there's this guy I've known for a while (years), I would say our relationship was firmly set in the 'friend' category (more than an acquaintance, less than a best friend/constant contact). VERY on and off we'd flirt and be playful, he'd invite himself into my DMs sometimes, flatter me, say he misses me, etc, but all of it healthily casual and positive to me as we are as I said, friends. We know each other physically and share a relatively wide span of friends and acquaintances, he's not a rando from online with no other connections to me or my life. Currently he lives on the opposite coast of the US that I do. 

I have had a serious crush on him for some time but never let it be known to him until relatively recently (August/September 2020), after which we started 'talking' a bit more seriously. We exchanged numbers proper, began learning a little bit more in depth about each other, and eventually began sexting, as well. Throughout this time, I won't lie, there were red flags... He was always hard to get a hold of, would go days without contacting me, wouldn't call me back (I was getting kind of tired of things at one point but also wanted to test something as we had never talked on the phone before yet, only texting. I called him and it went to VM, I left a message and he never called me back or acknowledged in any way that I called him), the first and only time we've spoken on the phone thus far it was a struggle/battle to get him to do so, and overall he is/was just very inconsistent. 

When we'd have our few text convos, he brought up a memory of us that I had even forgotten, which I thought was very sweet/cute, and also mentioned (to my equal joy and frustration) that unlike other people he's talked to, me and an other girl he was talking to don't seem to just be trying to use him like a lot of others have. At this point, I stopped responding in the convo and he seemed to panic, quickly changing the convo to something lighthearted and unrelated, and multitexting me very close together (rare from him). Another day in a separate text convo he mentioned having a lot of girls "all over him" currently which yes, we were in no way serious or locking more into each other, but I didn't appreciate hearing that, especially with how he worded it. It let me know there were others...

Again, separate day and convo, he (lightheartedly) brought up a humorous casual sexual encounter of his past, and when I wasn't replying, he clammed up and promised me he wasn't some scoundrel and has a tendency to blab and that he's surprised I haven't gotten sick of him by now. 

The one phone call we did have, I wanted to clarify some things as previous romantic/sexual encounters in his life had informed me of some less than savory information regarding him: that he's historically incredibly inconsistent/puts little effort into people, is very self-centered, is a player (there's admittedly always been buzz of this, but he's never given me that vibe, and I like to try and see the best in people especially since he's always been what I've interpreted as sincerely sweet to me), and has a tendency to bail on people. A serious partner of his past (he was looking to marry her) that he was serious about as well, even informed that SHE had a difficult time getting a hold of him etc. She eventually broke things off for reasons I do not know specifically, but given that she ended it and he seemed none-the-wiser of issues (he was pretty devastated when it happened), I assume/assumed he's just not very emotionally/socially astute period. Not a crime in-and-of itself, but it made/makes it all the harder to gauge his intentions and actions. 

Another commonality between the people I've spoken to is that he would always reach back out to them every few months. Anyways, I wanted to get some answers and asked about these things (not the previous serious partner, of course) but informed him that I'm not one to just believe things outright by principle generally, and wanted him to be able to speak his side. I let him know I've been manipulated/exploited, badly hurt, and toyed with in the past, and do not want to have things repeat and am not looking for bull*** as I genuinely like him and would enjoy seeing if we could be more. On the same token though, I informed him I'm not looking to *** him over either because I know how it feels, and that He said his peace more or less but deflected a lot of things and redirected subjects a fair bit, but did say he's not looking to hurt me either, and has been through it himself (he then opened up a bit about that serious partner, having planned on marrying her etc). Things ended on a generally good note and he said he'd be interested in taking things slowly. I said that was perfectly fine with me and would like to speak a bit more consistently. He said charmingly that he thinks he could do that and we wrapped things up. 

Spoilers: he didn't become any more consistent. But things weren't particularly any worse. 

At this point we were in early October, I wanted to try and spend some time with him virtually and suggested a movie, and he never responded back. After a couple days, I followed up apologising if I had done something wrong, but reiterated that it would be fun to spend some time, and he responded that maybe we should cool some things down until we were closer together (I'm moving to his neck of the woods pretty soon), that I'm cool and he wants to be my friend, but he's busy and is feeling increased expectations/pressure from me ((from me asking to watch a movie, dude? Seriously?)), that people have come to him wondering if he hates me (ZERO idea what this means or where it came from), and that he's just not a fan of long distance stuff but would like to take me out to dinner when I move. 

To give it straight: I was totally devastated. I felt I had been strung along and now he was toying with me even more/brushing me off. I stopped talking to him entirely and he didn't say a word to me again until late November, and that was from me reaching out to wish him good luck in something. Which he responded to cheerfully and kindly, like nothing had happened between us. In the in-between time up to this point, he would occasionally like my tweets on twitter, which made me feel like maybe things weren't lost but I also wondered why he wouldn't just TEXT me after so long. 

After that, it was no more contact until he recently (just before Christmas) replied to an Instagram story of mine and wished me a happy holiday and happy new year. I didn't open it for a while, then finally did but left him on read. He proceeded to text me the next day or two after, and wish me a happy holiday and again said that if I didn't see his message until later, that he wishes me a happy new year, too. This was strange to me that now out of nowhere he was reaching out to me again, even double messaging! Weird imo. I eventually caved and responded back, we spoke briefly, then I let it go. Then on New Years, he wished me a HNY. I chose to not reply until that Sunday. He responded that it was okay and that he was actually on my coast and nearby with his parents currently. We started talking, he mentioned their puppy, I did the phoned in "aww! Puppy etc etc blahblah" as I'm trying to be engaged but cautious. I tell him to give her lots of pets and rubs for me, and he responds saying maybe I'll be able to give her some myself in the future. I was taken ABACK. SHOCKED. And I was for what I hope has been painted as valid reason, I'd like to think.  

It really seemed to me he operates on zero rhyme or reason. 

He texted me another morning, informing me that he had been up early to get Covid testing. We chatted some more and that was that.

Then, finally, just yesterday, he replied to another of my Instagram stories, I responded in the affirmative basically being like "yup", and he then went ahead and told me that his Covid test came back negative. I said that's good, he said yeah, then I responded with that I'm glad I haven't had cause to get one thus far, but that that also show's I've had nowhere to go, not that there's really anywhere to go safely. He followed up by saying he'd let me come to his folks' place but maybe that's not the best idea. I said it'd be nice to see the puppy (and that he's alright, so him too) but if it's not possible, I understand. He said it may be, but he doesn't want to twist my arm to come given the situation and then said that Covid sucks (twist MY arm to get me to see him? Umm.. I was trying to spend time with you for a while!). I told him he wouldn't be twisting my arm and called him a dummy, which he 'hearted'. Oh, I forgot to mention that he has also asked me if I am still moving, which I told him yes.

Is this the most long game booty call of all time? At...his parents place? (By his word months ago, he hasn't gotten any since the pandemic/quarantining began). 

I want to hope it's not, that he misses me and cares and sees the opportunity to spend time and be intimate genuinely whilst he's nearby. Or are his intentions to manipulate and use me for sex then more or less kick me to the curb/go ghost again (which I'd be very hurt since he knows I've been used before and also genuinely like him)? Is this situation leaning more positive or negative/suspect? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much. Be well.

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Oh dear. 

This guy has been stringing you along for ages. And you're stringing yourself along too, as you've see the multiple signs that he's not serious about you and yet you continue to look for attention from him and try to ask him for more.

You're the girl he talks to when the other women who are "all over him" aren't paying attention to him. And he knows exactly what to say to keep you hooked - maybe you'll pet the puppy yourself someday? Pfft. Don't take that to mean anything when dude can't even be bothered to watch a movie together online. He just knows which lines work to keep a woman around when he wants his ego scratched. 

You need to let go of this guy. He's not looking to make this into anything more than a little online flirtation and maybe some sex. There's no serious intention here, girl. 

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46 minutes ago, xxlily9151 said:

Currently he lives on the opposite coast of the US that I do. 

eventually began sexting, as well. him? .

Unfortunately it seems you just went from friendly DMs to sexting.

You're not in a relationship, you're not having sex so he's not "using" you, since you both willingly engaged in sexting.

Perhaps he appeals to you because he's "safe". There's no possibly of anything here.

You haven't dealt with past bad relationships so a huge distance geographically, emotionally and physically appeals to you.

If you wanted a BF/relationship you would not be chasing a longshot like this.

If the sexting has gone too far and it's bothering you, just stop.

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11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems you just went from friendly DMs to sexting.

You're not in a relationship, you're not having sex so he's not "using" you, since you both willingly engaged in sexting.

Perhaps he appeals to you because he's "safe". There's no possibly of anything here.

You haven't dealt with past bad relationships so a huge distance geographically, emotionally and physically appeals to you.

If you wanted a BF/relationship you would not be chasing a longshot like this.

If the sexting has gone too far and it's bothering you, just stop.

To clarify, we haven't sexted in a while. Our stint of that was rather brief. Ended a little bit before he sent that message about 'cooling down'.  We haven't sexted since before that point. 

I've also had a very successful LDR before (I eventually moved and we got an apartment together, and even though things ended amicably a few years later, we are still thick as thieves today). LDRs don't bother me as they do other people (perfectly valid, of course) and I don't view them as 'long shots' (in this case, especially because I'm moving to his area for work soon anyways). 

Also, promise I am not being snippy :') Just wanted to give clarification for you/anyone else that might aid me by weighing in.  Regardless, you still made some objective, solid points... So far it seems he's not seeing anything serious... After all I've told him and what he said to me, this hurts, but it is what it is. Integrity doesn't seem to be an inherent quality in everyone.   Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, Wiseman.

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Well, I honestly don't know why you're surprised about all his crap behaviours because he even told you himself that he's a player. Also he told you directly that he's not interested in anything with you unless you come to his area. I think he's right in that you're coming on too strong but it's in the sense that he's barely respond to you and you keep chasing him more and more. There's nothing wrong with suggesting to virtually watch a movie but considering you got no response to then message again and ask if you did something wrong is actually not a good look. This guy is not that interested in you except to get attention and admiration from you and probably get sex if he gets the chance. You're chasing him way too hard and you're not getting much back. I think there's not much point in continuing to pursue a person who feels lukewarm about you at best. I'm sure there are other guys you can meet and ones that would actually be into you and enthusiastic about you. I honestly don't think you're going to get anywhere with this guy except maybe a hookup. He told you he's a player so that's exactly what he's doing - he's playing you. He just throws you enough bread crumbs to keep you coming back.

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9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well, I honestly don't know why you're surprised about all his crap behaviours because he even told you himself that he's a player. Also he told you directly that he's not interested in anything with you unless you come to his area. I think he's right in that you're coming on too strong but it's in the sense that he's barely respond to you and you keep chasing him more and more. There's nothing wrong with suggesting to virtually watch a movie but considering you got no response to then message again and ask if you did something wrong is actually not a good look. This guy is not that interested in you except to get attention and admiration from you and probably get sex if he gets the chance. You're chasing him way too hard and you're not getting much back. I think there's not much point in continuing to pursue a person who feels lukewarm about you at best. I'm sure there are other guys you can meet and ones that would actually be into you and enthusiastic about you. I honestly don't think you're going to get anywhere with this guy except maybe a hookup. He told you he's a player so that's exactly what he's doing - he's playing you. He just throws you enough bread crumbs to keep you coming back.

Thank you for weighing in and your input, Tinydance :') I think you have some really good points and they actually reflect concerns/thoughts I've had but have been too upset to really face. We were/are pretty good friends, so to think he'd be doing this to me (as I'm not some random person or someone he met through a dating app etc, we actually know each other and share a group of friends/realm) is really painful... 

 

When I messaged him again about the movie thing, I did so out of my own values/ethics/how I've been brought up to be empathetic and always look to resolve an issue or apologise if you think you may have done wrong by someone without having to be asked/pushed for it. I know a lot of people see that sort of thing as a bad look which is totally valid, I myself don't tend to view it that way. If *he* did, whatever, that's on him. If he wants to feel some type of way over me not being inconsiderate, he can. 

 

You're being straight up and I really appreciate you also saying that I can find someone *enthusiastic* about me. Between the tears, that did make me smile, so thank you. 

 

 

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6 minutes ago, xxlily9151 said:

Thank you for weighing in and your input, Tinydance :') I think you have some really good points and they actually reflect concerns/thoughts I've had but have been too upset to really face. We were/are pretty good friends, so to think he'd be doing this to me (as I'm not some random person or someone he met through a dating app etc, we actually know each other and share a group of friends/realm) is really painful... 

 

When I messaged him again about the movie thing, I did so out of my own values/ethics/how I've been brought up to be empathetic and always look to resolve an issue or apologise if you think you may have done wrong by someone without having to be asked/pushed for it. I know a lot of people see that sort of thing as a bad look which is totally valid, I myself don't tend to view it that way. If *he* did, whatever, that's on him. If he wants to feel some type of way over me not being inconsiderate, he can. 

 

You're being straight up and I really appreciate you also saying that I can find someone *enthusiastic* about me. Between the tears, that did make me smile, so thank you.

Well how could you have done something wrong just by suggesting to watch a movie? And virtually at that, which doesn't really require much effort. I don't think you had to apologise about anything at all. If this guy is meant to be your friend then why does he just ignore a lot of your messages and calls? That's actually rude. I wouldn't bother being friends with someone who just ignores me. If he's going to treat you so poorly then is he really even your friend? I don't think he sounds that nice to be honest. I know he said he's not interested in pursuing anything long distance but that doesn't mean he's entitled to not reply to half of your messages. Also how can you be friends with him if you have a huge crush on him and you want more? If one person has feelings then I don't think two people can really be friends.

Edited by Tinydance
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7 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

 

Tiny, whomever has the privilege of calling you their best friend is a very lucky person. You're being so logicalll😣...but also kind! 

Ugh...you're really so, so correct. Like... it's more and more obvious that whilst he may not be outright *mean* to me, that he doesn't care about me either, even on a baseline respect level as someone he's known/a friend.  This isn't shocking now that I think about it since others I've talked to that were involved with him/close to him have alluded to or have outright said that he has a hard time really valuing people/is self-centered to a fault. 

Sincerely, you've given me a lot to think about 

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14 minutes ago, xxlily9151 said:

I can find someone *enthusiastic* about me.

This is key. 

When you struggle to get someone's attention and time, you're barking up the wrong tree. He isn't interested of his own volition, so you need to stop nudging him into it and instead just accept that he's not feeling it. 

Random breadcrumbs or attention are nowhere near enough to build on. You won't have to leap through this many hoops when the guy is into you. 

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

This is key. 

When you struggle to get someone's attention and time, you're barking up the wrong tree. He isn't interested of his own volition, so you need to stop nudging him into it and instead just accept that he's not feeling it. 

Random breadcrumbs or attention are nowhere near enough to build on. You won't have to leap through this many hoops when the guy is into you. 

Thank you, MissCanuck :")  Everyone who has replied has been so kind but helpful at the same time. This is a really tough time for me so I appreciate the encouragement-laced real talk.  Not in the best place, but I feel less crappy about myself

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Continuing to try to get this guy as interested in you as you are in him will make you feel more crappy, not less.

Imagine a man who enthusiastically replies to your messages consistently, who calls and messages you consistently, who wants to see you and is totally into you, who doesn't see other women and rub your face in it but rather focuses on you and only you. And who doesn't have to be prodded to do so. Who you don't have to apologize to for wanting to see him because he wants to see you just as much.

Does that sound like what you want? Or do you prefer a man you have to chase and ask for attention?

 

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I didn't see anything in your interactions with him that would suggest that he is in to you at all.  You are the girl he talks to when he is bored to keep you just interested enough so he might get a chance to bang you one day.  I am sorry but if this guy was interested wouldn't he call you back?  

This is a dead end.

Lost

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57 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Continuing to try to get this guy as interested in you as you are in him will make you feel more crappy, not less.

Imagine a man who enthusiastically replies to your messages consistently, who calls and messages you consistently, who wants to see you and is totally into you, who doesn't see other women and rub your face in it but rather focuses on you and only you. And who doesn't have to be prodded to do so. Who you don't have to apologize to for wanting to see him because he wants to see you just as much.

Does that sound like what you want? Or do you prefer a man you have to chase and ask for attention?

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, boltnrun. You're right, and over the course of the last several hours I've been coming to understand that more n more from what you and others have said.  It's that daggone Serotonin when they give you that bit of attention you want and then start the toxic cycle all over again 😬 I gotta remember that there's way better, genuine guys out there, who can give me that serotonin in a healthy, reciprocated way that I can actually build something with.   Being that you're on this forum, hope things are well or will be soon in your realtionships🙏🏽

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33 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I didn't see anything in your interactions with him that would suggest that he is in to you at all.  You are the girl he talks to when he is bored to keep you just interested enough so he might get a chance to bang you one day.  I am sorry but if this guy was interested wouldn't he call you back?  

This is a dead end.

Lost

Thank you for weighing in, kind stranger.  Y'all are really in the best way possible hammering it through my head that this dude is nothing but trouble and I need to cut him the hell off.  It just hurts to think someone who was your friend (guess he actually never was tbh!) and that you've confided in that you've been hurt and don't want to be manipulated again would...just not give a f*ck! I can't imagine treating someone that way... 

Be well and thanks again for replying!

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The dude is a player and a waste of time.   He's getting a bit, fat, ego boost.  

Block and delete,  and find someone who is actually interested in you.  

He is not a friend.

Edited by Hollyj
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Maybe it's time to raise your values, and view him as someone who has nothing to offer other than all talk, and no action.

Keep in mind that if someone wants you in their life they'll make room for you.   You shouldn't have to fight for a spot.  If you allow someone to overlook your worth, you've already lost your value.

Respecting yourself can do wonders for your self-esteem.

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1 hour ago, xxlily9151 said:

Thank you for weighing in, kind stranger.  Y'all are really in the best way possible hammering it through my head that this dude is nothing but trouble and I need to cut him the hell off.  It just hurts to think someone who was your friend (guess he actually never was tbh!) and that you've confided in that you've been hurt and don't want to be manipulated again would...just not give a f*ck! I can't imagine treating someone that way... 

Be well and thanks again for replying!

Lesson learned right?  Right?   Whether in person or long distance these things happen when we allow the imagined "relationship" to block the real relationship.  You wanted him to want you, you wanted this fantasy to come true so you indulged it.  It has happened to many of us, usually for a shorter amount of time but it has happened.  Look on this forum right now and you will see others just like you.  Don't beat yourself up over this, just make sure you don't fall for it again.

  You can either just ignore him from now on or you can send one last get lost message.  Which one will it be?  Sending the message is dangerous because it will leave you waiting for a response for your closure, ignoring him and blocking him keeps all the power in your hands.

  Lost

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Why are you moving to his area or neighbourhood? Is it because of him or do you have other reasons to be there that are more important than this person? Did you grow up there or is this your hometown and you're moving back? 

I don't see this as anything real or tangible unless he puts in more effort and right now, he's deflecting and avoiding your serious topics because it's the only appropriate thing to do. Take the cue, cool it down, focus on other projects and things you can do or accomplish and make the move meaningful for you (without overthinking this guy). 

If you both meet up when you're there, nothing wrong with that. See how it goes in person. Right now, don't put in this much effort and don't reply or ask him to hang out or do virtual movies, sexting or continue putting yourself out there. 

It is definitely NOT a booty call if you are this invested in it emotionally. Be more honest with yourself about your feelings for this person and then work on why this person appears important to you at all in the face of everything else. Definitely don't keep telling yourself that it's a booty call or that the sexting or messaging doesn't mean more to you.

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I'm sorry.  I can tell you fell bad enough, but. . 

If walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a duck.   

Talking him into being something else isn't going to work.   He sorta agreed to, but slowly?  How much more time would someone need?

You accounted for years of patterns and history and yet you still gambled your heart on this one and feel cheated for doing so?   Please don't.

Write this off to a poor choice.  Shake it off, don't be hard on yourself.  Learn a lesson from it and move on.  Please don't view yourself as a victim because you further victimize yourself.  He didn't use you for sex if you agreed to have casual sex with him.

This guy isn't worth it.  Recognize when are become attached to someone who is unavailable and circumvent the hurt before it happens.

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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On 1/7/2021 at 5:06 AM, xxlily9151 said:

he mentioned having a lot of girls "all over him" currently

If a guy ever said this to me, it would tell me all I'd need to know. I'd thank him for his honesty, and I'd instantly 'next' him.

Decide what you want. If you want to be relationship material, don't mess around with 'casual' of any kind. That's messy kid stuff. It's a leftover fantasy about seducing someone to fall in love while pretending that that's not what you're doing. Leave that to high school freshmen, and operate instead from an adult agenda that states yours and asks his.

When your agenda doesn't align with another's, there's no need to pretzel yourself. You can let him know that you really like him, and if he ever decides that he's relationship material in the future, he's welcome to let you know.

Crushes and 'casual' only work together in the movies. You can try to mix the two, it's not against the law, it's just a long, hard and painful way to teach yourself that dead-ending after such a wasted investment is a drag. It does an unnecessary number on your self esteem, because it makes no room for the fact that most people are NOT our match. Those are natural odds, because most people don't own the capacity to view us through the right lens.

Hold out for simpatico with a GOOD match--someone who 'gets you' and can see and appreciate your unique value. This won't be everyone, only those who are RIGHT for you--and you will know it. 

Head high. Think 'needle in a haystack.' Make resilience a goal for your best life skill in 2021, and you will thank yourself later.

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On 1/7/2021 at 5:06 AM, xxlily9151 said:

Is this the most long game booty call of all time? At...his parents place? (By his word months ago, he hasn't gotten any since the pandemic/quarantining began). 

I want to hope it's not, that he misses me and cares and sees the opportunity to spend time and be intimate genuinely whilst he's nearby. Or are his intentions to manipulate and use me for sex then more or less kick me to the curb/go ghost again (which I'd be very hurt since he knows I've been used before and also genuinely like him)? Is this situation leaning more positive or negative/suspect?

Only you know him best.. but I suggest you do not get your hopes up too high ( no expectations).

Do you not know his track record enough?  

I suggest you don't jump in with both feet... as it looks already, you're sitting by.. waiting.. and flop! :(.

What you want & what you are getting is 2 different things... yes?

Re: missing you.. How so?  Are you two really that 'close'?  Did you hang with/ grow up around each other?

Sex..?  Often a yes. (especially if they are either lacking, bored, lonely or playing the field).

As for this that you said... 'then more less kick me to the curb/ ghost me again'

Okay... wake up call?  This you already know of him...

I am sorry 😞 ... But he seems not enough.  Not what you want.. not to your expectations- but more a fantasy?

Do YOU really think he will or can keep up?  I feel not.

Then just stop.  Stop chasing or expecting anything from this guy- whom you know  may very well ghost you again, etc.

Get your life back into gear.. look to find someone who IS truly into YOU.

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On 1/9/2021 at 2:47 PM, catfeeder said:

If a guy ever said this to me, it would tell me all I'd need to know. I'd thank him for his honesty, and I'd instantly 'next' him.

Decide what you want. If you want to be relationship material, don't mess around with 'casual' of any kind. That's messy kid stuff. It's a leftover fantasy about seducing someone to fall in love while pretending that that's not what you're doing. Leave that to high school freshmen, and operate instead from an adult agenda that states yours and asks his.

When your agenda doesn't align with another's, there's no need to pretzel yourself. You can let him know that you really like him, and if he ever decides that he's relationship material in the future, he's welcome to let you know.

Crushes and 'casual' only work together in the movies. You can try to mix the two, it's not against the law, it's just a long, hard and painful way to teach yourself that dead-ending after such a wasted investment is a drag. It does an unnecessary number on your self esteem, because it makes no room for the fact that most people are NOT our match. Those are natural odds, because most people don't own the capacity to view us through the right lens.

Hold out for simpatico with a GOOD match--someone who 'gets you' and can see and appreciate your unique value. This won't be everyone, only those who are RIGHT for you--and you will know it. 

Head high. Think 'needle in a haystack.' Make resilience a goal for your best life skill in 2021, and you will thank yourself later.

This made me cry (in a good way). I thank you so much for your kind words of strength and putting things in a great, but real perspective. I've been hating myself day after day, wondering why I'm not good enough, wondering what's wrong with me. It just felt...really good to have someone (that I don't even know, at that) make it clearer that I'm not a flawed or bad person for what others don't see or value in me; my value and self-worth isn't determined by others, let alone a fuccboi. 

 

I hope you have a safe and prosperous year (as much as possible) and that the world treats you kindly. Thank you.

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On 1/9/2021 at 5:36 PM, SooSad33 said:

Only you know him best.. but I suggest you do not get your hopes up too high ( no expectations).

Do you not know his track record enough?  

I suggest you don't jump in with both feet... as it looks already, you're sitting by.. waiting.. and flop! :(.

What you want & what you are getting is 2 different things... yes?

Re: missing you.. How so?  Are you two really that 'close'?  Did you hang with/ grow up around each other?

Sex..?  Often a yes. (especially if they are either lacking, bored, lonely or playing the field).

As for this that you said... 'then more less kick me to the curb/ ghost me again'

Okay... wake up call?  This you already know of him...

I am sorry 😞 ... But he seems not enough.  Not what you want.. not to your expectations- but more a fantasy?

Do YOU really think he will or can keep up?  I feel not.

Then just stop.  Stop chasing or expecting anything from this guy- whom you know  may very well ghost you again, etc.

Get your life back into gear.. look to find someone who IS truly into YOU.

Thank you so much. I don't want to be a broken record and repeat exactly what I said to the nice person who posted above you, but you really deserve all the same appreciative and kind words. 

The people who have taken the time to reply to me here have really been beyond helpful and compassionate. It gives me a little more strength to carry on and be strong and to not view myself as the problem, as worthless, as unworthy of love. And especially not over one less-than-good person who's made it habit to not value others and hurt/toy with them. 

Please, have a safe and happy new year. I hope for nothing but positivity your way. Thank you again.

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14 hours ago, xxlily9151 said:

This made me cry (in a good way). I thank you so much for your kind words of strength and putting things in a great, but real perspective. I've been hating myself day after day, wondering why I'm not good enough, wondering what's wrong with me. It just felt...really good to have someone (that I don't even know, at that) make it clearer that I'm not a flawed or bad person for what others don't see or value in me; my value and self-worth isn't determined by others, let alone a fuccboi. 

I hope you have a safe and prosperous year (as much as possible) and that the world treats you kindly. Thank you.

What a lovely, post, Lily, and thank you. I'm glad you can grasp even a glimmer of the fact that you are not only uniquely valuable, you're the primary one in charge of honoring that value as your private and sacred purpose on this planet. Keep expanding this vision until it becomes your driving force for your future.

This is not only about self confidence, which makes life simpler and more enjoyable, but it also models something important in you that will help other people in some way. Those of us who value ourselves lose a sense of scarcity and competition, which naturally extends our true nature of generosity and opens us to operate freely. 

So it's not a small thing to value yourself. In doing so, you'll set a mighty high bar for dating and romance. Kindness and generosity are not pushovers--they recognize those who are not a good match, not as villains, but as people with limits who cannot offer you what YOU value.

When we can recognize the limits of others as no reflection on us, it doesn't matter whether they might want to regard that as a deficiency in us. Most people choose their own limits as defenses, and the only thing you need to know is not to waste time or energy on anyone who cannot match your internal goals and vision.

You deserve to find simpatico with someone who 'gets you', but that's not possible unless you're willing to embrace with pride your essential self. Once you do that, whoever comes or goes becomes irrelevant. A GOOD match will recognize you, and that's the only person who will matter.

Head high.

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