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awkward timing, can someone explain why he said this at this moment


RedV

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So I went on a couple of dates with this guy I met on a dating app last week. We hit it off so well, had so much fun, but on the second night he told me he isn't looking for a relationship (which I had thought I was thinking the same) however he told me during sex and I freaked out, I feel like I over-reacted (I had a few drinks) I got angry, then sad, then apologised to him for getting angry and sad! Is this my subconscious telling me I do want a relationship? Also what would prompt someone to say that in the middle of sex? I don't believe I had done or said anything to make him think that was what I was on this app for, i think I was more offended than anything else that he chose such an intimate moment to blurt it out. It was a real roller coaster which left me confused at my own response, and during this rapid cycling of emotions he was profusely apologising for saying what he said when he said it, and we still had a really great morning together the next morning.

Anyway, I'm asking for advice on what to do now. I really had a lot of fun with this guy and I would like to see him again, but I am afraid I might look like a massive *** now. The next morning I told him I was a little embarrassed at my response and he told me I had nothing to be embarrassed about, even telling me he found me "intimidatingly interesting" but just has commitment issues (which I definitely have too) and when he left I never said anything about whether we would hang out again.

Soooo based on that info, should i text him and see if he wants to keep hanging out or am I blatantly ignoring a big sign telling me I'm about to look desperate?

 

 

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This can be seen a few different ways.  No wonder you're confused.

Based on what you've shared it seems you were living in the moment and not worrying about where this was going.  But it that moment, naked, vulnerable to have him state his position would throw just about anyone.  What was he thinking?!   

I would take this time to reflect and regain your composure.  I wish I had the perfect answer for you in an imperfect moment.  Give it a little time and maybe you'll have your answer.  You are either ok with a FWB situation or you might be disappointed if it doesn't go anywhere.  Only you will know.

But yes, having someone say that in throws of passion is not a good thing.  Personally no matter how chill I think I might be, if he thought to throw out a warning shot in the middle of sex would cause me to end it.  I would interpret that as something of such extreme importance seeing it couldn't wait for a more appropriate time.  Id be out.   I certainly wouldn't reach out first.  But that's me.

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I think you were right to be pissed He should be apologizing and feeling dumb. Not you. Talk about bad timing, only thinking of yourself and downright insensitive. yikes.

This shows a great deal about his maturity and ability to handle a situation. 

I would think long and hard if I would want to continue anything with this buffoon. Reminds me of a saying we had as a kid... Smoothe move ex-lax!

Talk about buzz kill and kill joy.

I'm not a fan of FWB. They always lead to heartache or and just bad feelings of 'what was I thinking?'  A lot of people kid themselves about what it is, what they really want and expect... it also limits meeting and making other more meaningful connections. 

Also, why subject yourself to this wacko? who knows what he'll say next. That he wishes you were this or that.  Walk away knowing even for just sex, you can find better.

Tolerating this disrespect and or even worse chasing him, makes you look desperate.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt your feelings but you gotta protect yourself. Cause this guy is only thinking of himself.  

 

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Sorry this happened. It seems he wants to make clear that he's only looking for casual.

Lay back a bit. If you would like to see his level of interest, see if he reaches out.

Make sure you don't overinvest in a situation you feel emotional about. He was clear that it's just hooking up.

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WOW....

This guy is a jerk. If you want to have a FWB with this jerk, just don't get riled up or hurt when he throws some insensitive comment when you least expect it.

I can see him saying something so inconsiderate/insensitive about you or concerning you again and when you're emotional about it, he will wonder why are you emotional when you two are just FWB. Guy is emotionally immature and will treat you as on object and nothing more.

 

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12 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I would interpret that as something of such extreme importance seeing it couldn't wait for a more appropriate time. 

He's probably been burned before by using women who then wanted more from it, which he clearly doesn't want to be bothered with LOL!  

The best reply... if she's ok with this, would have been...

"Don't worry, I'm just using you for sex, too! 😉"  LOL

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I'm not getting why you would even care about looking desperate to a man who will be short term in your life. Because FWBs are never meant to last very long. The weird thing about FWBs are that you either come up with rules you're both comfortable with or there are no rules. So you can't expect daily communication like you would with a bf. It's anything goes, usually, and hedonistic societies are fleeting. He can go six weeks without contacting you and then call you for a booty call. He can bang another woman 30 minutes before you come over. Is all that okay with you?

Perhaps you should be alone and examine your commitment issues. If those are because of toxic emotional baggage, then you might want to get rid of that before being ready to date. I think you're fooling yourself with your talk of commitment issues, and it's culminating in strife and confusion about what you want. What is stopping you from wanting all the pluses that come from a longterm exclusive relationship? Whatever it is, I'd work on getting rid of those barriers. Because I don't see how anyone can get joy from short term banging, hopping from one FWB to another through the years, but that's just me.

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This guy is a jerk. Could have been just a nice evening of fun. You had every right to get upset because it was intentionally deceitful. The guy is gross.

My advice to you is: don't jump into bed so soon, unless you are into for a ONS. The majority of men on dating sites, are just looking for sex. Remember the age old adage.... if you want a man to respect you, keep yer legs closed, ...until you have some kind of discussion on expectations. Yes there is a difference between being commitment vs exclusively dating.

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Okay I am not going to judge you on your choices in this case.  If you want to have sex with some guy after 2 dates by all means go for it.

I do think you should take a few days and think long and hard about what you want.  If right now in your life you do not want a relationship or any entanglements then this guy sounds like he fits the bill.  You find him attractive and he appears to want to have sex with you so there's that.  Now blurting out what he did in the middle of sex is laughable but not as bad as I have heard.  Usually jerks string a woman along and have sex with her several times and then drop the bomb that they aren't looking for a relationship right now.  Of course it should have been discussed earlier but life is what it is sometimes and things are not perfect.

I really think you should be in total control of this.  Being a guy I know you have the power anyways because you have what he wants so you can pretty much set the rules that work for you and he can either agree or hit the road.  Trust me there are a ton of guys that would be all in for just some relationship free sex.  This wouldn't be a FWB thing, I think it would more like a F Buddy thing so think of if you are okay with that.

Give it a few days, decide what you truly want right now and if you want sex without a relationship then send him a text and ask him when he is free to come over.  Don't be afraid of flexing your position in all this.  It is your body and you are in control.   Who knows this guy may learn how to be more tactful just being around you 😘

Lost

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He sounds thoughtless and this is not FWB -you barely know the guy and he's certainly not a friend.  I'd avoid having a sexual arrangement with him and don't worry about your subconsicious etc- far simpler than that -if he's this tactless /tacky as a first impression just imagine -and especially if you choose to get drunk with someone you've only been out a few times with and get intimate just know it's dangerous to you physically but also will lead to you making poor choices as to how to react -just makes a messy situation even messier.

I agree with the others- you can find other men to have sex with who have more common sense.

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Sounds a bit strange. Are you sure he's single? Or he may be sleeping with other people and had a momentary HERE I AM moment of conscience. Some people have no filter so best to take it in stride and just consider this someone who blurts things out when he feels the urge. 

Once you make sense of his behaviour, you decide whether this is something attractive on a deeper level. Remember, that you decide - always. Make a decision that best fits you and your personality/lifestyle/needs/goals. 

Leave room for strange, funny, odd, jarring moments when getting to know someone. It's all part and parcel. 

If you are starting to self-doubt or feel yourself emotionally charged or flip flopping, hit pause. This fwb situation might not be what you want or need at this time. There are plenty of set ups like this so if he leaves the scene, remember that you continue to live with yourself. Take care of yourself first and foremost and make sure that you feel good whatever you do.

 

 

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I agree with it being the wrong time/wrong place to make that statement.  Yet on the other hand, you may have had a different outcome if you had held off until you had a general idea of what your expectations were.

Either way, since he's basically a stranger and this would likely end the same way it began, I would write this one off.  

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Why would you jump in the sack with a guy on the first or second date/meet whatever, especially with Covid going around? You are mad that he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship but yet, you weren't either if you swiped right and jumped in the sack before even broaching the subject of if he was seeing anyone else, etc?  So shame on both of you.

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