Difficult reconciling after anxiety episode

[Crystal Pepsi]

I'm trying to understand how to move forward after a tough talk with my on-and-off girlfriend. A few weeks ago, after I made an abrasive comment that understandably triggered her, she began having a talk with me. She began drinking and soon got very emotional. I mainly apologized and tried to sooth and hug her as she cried about her family dysfunction and said I needed to be more supportive. She then said she wanted to cut herself (she has an old history of self harm). Eventually she calmed down as I held her, but as she continued drinking (maybe 1 1/2 glasses of wine, on an empty stomach), she became even more unglued than the first round, shouting claims that my mom influenced me to previously dump her (she now recognizes this is false). She also loudly ridiculed my lack of engagement with her son and his lack of male mentors. While I accepted this assessment, her son was upstairs within earshot, and the potential that he heard her unloading upset me and I fear could sow resentment rather than bridge us. 

 

We had a long phone conversation a few weeks later, and while we agreed to take a break from dating and ended our conversation positively, when I gently explained that moving forward, alcohol must be curbed during serious conversations, she deflected that my remark revealed a lack of empathy towards her health episode. Her family has a lot of drug abuse history, and it's upsetting that she refused to recognize the exacerbating effect of drinking on a responsible dialogue. I try to show empathy and understanding of her mental health, but I also vow never to engage an intense dialogue that involves alcohol. In recent months, she's demonstrated a lot of what I perceive as denialist contradictory behavior, vocalizing her contempt towards substances that she has a suppressed craving for. It's unsettling, and I've wanted to have a conversation about this issue but am afraid how it would go and what it would accomplish. 

[SooSad33]

8 minutes ago, Crystal Pepsi said:

I'm trying to understand how to move forward after a tough talk with my on-and-off girlfriend.

 

8 minutes ago, Crystal Pepsi said:

We had a long phone conversation a few weeks later, and while we agreed to take a break from dating and ended our conversation positively, when I gently explained that moving forward, alcohol must be curbed during serious conversations, she deflected that my remark revealed a lack of empathy towards her health episode. Her family has a lot of drug abuse history, and it's upsetting that she refused to recognize the exacerbating effect of drinking on a responsible dialogue

Yeah- this along with her 'self harm' is no good.  She's really struggling and this can & probably is affecting YOU... yes?  Because it is concerning, plus, alcohol is a no go.

 

Fact that you mentioned your on again/off again Gf... is another question.  So often, after the first BU, things become that much harder.  AND nothing has changed within these BU's... correct?

 

I feel, for your own good- to just remain as you are.  Apart.  How much do you thing you can handle- before you either start falling like she is- or it's going to just drain you- TRYING to support & hold her up.

 

Maybe, it's just best to remain apart, you think?

Someone like her NEEDS some sort of professional help.. she's struggling in many ways :(.  You cannot solve these problems for her,

When I hit my lows- depression/anxiety. I knew I needed help & had been put on some meds and did over 4 yrs of therapy. As well, I was NOT involved, but on my own, as I worked thru some deep rooted pain/ anger.

[MissCanuck]

What is she doing to address her mental health issues?

[Crystal Pepsi]

20 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Maybe, it's just best to remain apart, you think?

I don't disagree that we're not a compatible, and I realize I am hypercritical of her at times. Her track record of partners is pretty poor, so she appreciates my overall stability and emotional support and I'll continue to be her friend. We can support one another, but I definitely want a break from visiting for a bit.

 

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What is she doing to address her mental health issues?

She sees a therapist and sometimes microdoses psilocybin (mushroom), which she gets from a stoner friend with his own struggles. I have little idea if the latter helps much. I wouldn't say she drinks "a lot," but she definitely leans on it to cope and has a past of binging. She gave up nicotine over a decade ago before we met and often condemns it, but recently she has taken drags off a friend's cigarette while praising smoking and I admit it pained me tremendously. Still does.

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Crystal Pepsi said:

 It's unsettling, and I've wanted to have a conversation about this issue but am afraid how it would go and what it would accomplish. 

Truth be told, she needs to have this conversation with an addictions counselor. Coming from you, will make her feel belittled and on the offense.

If she isn't already getting help by an addictions counselor, she most definitely needs one! Especially with her family's history of substance abuse.

You could gently suggest one.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

Along with SooSad, I couldn't help but notice the "on-and-off" component of this and wondering about how much that is the big issue here, with the recent incident something of a symptom of that larger infection. Might be a good time to consider if the best thing, for both of your equilibriums, is to just stay in the "off" position. 

She sounds like she's struggling with a lot right now, and struggling to find a way through those struggles. Tough spot, for her, and tough for you. Seems that she is perhaps prone to mistaking "empathy" or a "cure," and so gets frustrated with you when whatever support you offer fails to bring about a solace she's seeking. 

Not sure how old you are, but this might be a good time to reflect a bit on this relationship, how it's evolved, and the degree to which is is sincerely serving whatever it is you want from life, and connections with others. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

She's an addict.  A therapist is likely inadequate to deal with her issues.

I can tell you truly care about her.  That's why it's vital for you to stop trying to "help" her and instead suggest she work with the appropriate professionals.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately she's too unstable to date and on many levels you realize that.

It's manifested in on/off, drinking, self harm, difficulty at home,etc.

Distance yourself from this. Don't play hero or therapist.

What you can do is suggest she get to her doctor for an evaluation,and referral to a therapist. 

Sadly you sticking around, makes matters worse in that she's not ready for a relationship and what she actually needs is medical, psychiatric and substance abuse intervention.

If she gets drunk or threatens self harm in your presence, take her to an ER.

[catfeeder]

If you stay in contact with this woman it is likely to blow up into something harmful--to all involved.

Do you want to date, or do you want to play therapist?

If you're taking a break, I'd keep it permanent.

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

The problem with on and off relationships is the issues as to why you broke up in the first place never get resolved. It sounds like she’s emotionally unable to have a serious relationship right now. The cutting and drinking is her way of coping through some inner turmoil she needs to address. It’s not your job to address this. It’s best you let her go so she can hopefully work on herself and get into a place where she’s content. Otherwise I see so much resentment coming from the both of you if you continue to stay. 

[Rose Mosse]

How long have you been together? She needs to address her substance abuse and recover. I don't think there's anything more you can do unless you want to remain in a troubling and emotionally draining relationship. Think of all the life you're missing out on compared to being in a healthy relationship? 

Emotional attachment drags us through crazy things - to hell and back, I believe. We may not necessarily realize just how far in the depths of absolute hell we are until we are out of it and looking back down into that smoldering pit. 

If you have compassion for her, encourage her to seek help, end the relationship and move forwards with your life. I think in order to do this best you'll have to rediscover what makes you happy. It seems like making her happy has been your happiness for awhile. All that needs some readjustment.

[abitbroken]

Please stay away from this woman.

You are just torturing yourself.

I would have, if I were you, would have taken the bottle away from her "as she continued drinking". Surely, you could have flushed it or hid it after she filled her glass.  Anything less is enabling -- sitting and listening to a woman cry, make accusations and sloppily and drunkily talk about her family drama while holding her or patting her on the head is extremely enabling.