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She slept over at her ex boyfriend's place (they have a baby)


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11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it makes it more simple.  She made choices on impulse.  Not your problem.  Exit now -ASAP -tell her politely you don't see this working out, you don't have enough in common and you realize you're not ready to commit to her and her child.  

Agree with this. 

I get how emotions and hopes can fog our logic boards, but the math here is pretty exquisite in how neatly it adds up to a bonfire of drama. She's known you for five minutes, in the scheme of things, and is already alternating between treating you like a savior and blaming you for her problems. These are not red flags, but skull and crossbones stuff. 

Here's a thought experiment. Imagine being on a dating app, and coming across a woman whose bio reads: "I'm desperate, impulsive, overwhelmed by my own choices in life, and looking for someone to clean up my mess because I've got no idea what to do." Are you interested, or are you moving on? Answer that question honestly and you'll have your answer for how to handle all this.  

 

Edited by bluecastle
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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

 

Please clarify what this means OP. If she moved out from her ex it is because she wanted to do so. Or did you pressure her?

 

 

Actually, until mid November I found out she was sharing the bed together with him (even though they have a couch that pulls out into a bed). That made me want to leave the relationship and I told her I cannot have a committed relationship if she shares a bed with another guy.

Her ex found out she was seeing somebody (me) and started treating her bad and yelling and didn't want to sleep on the couch, so she just decided it would be best to move to her parent's place. She assured me nothing happened, they just shared the bed together. (She told me they were separated for 6 months, maybe this was not true what she said?) 

So I'm sure these were reason's why she recently moved.. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't very happy when I discovered they were sharing the bed together 

 

Edited by mical
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5 minutes ago, mical said:

Then he found out she was seeing somebody (me) and started treating her bad and yelling and didn't want to sleep on the couch, so she just decided it would be best to move to her months for the last month...

 

Dear Lord, Mical! This gets worse and worse. There was no basis there, from day one, for anything remotely like a future healthy and stable relationship. Surely that was obvious to you.

You certainly have dodged a bullet there. 

There are many many women out there who are not embroiled in dramatic and unwholesome entanglements. It is important to be discerning, OP. 

Edited by LaHermes
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3 minutes ago, mical said:

Actually, until mid November I found out she was sharing the bed together with him (even though they have a couch that pulls out into a bed). That made me want to leave the relationship and I told her I cannot have a committed relationship if she shares a bed with another guy. Then he found out she was seeing somebody (me) and started treating her bad and yelling and didn't want to sleep on the couch, so she just decided it would be best to move to her parent's place. She assured me nothing happened, they just shared the bed together. 

You should have run a mile right then and there. 

You'd be very foolish to stick around here, man. 

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Posted (edited)

Yes, I did walk away. Then she says they had the baby between them so it is not as bad as it seems. Then she said she moved to her parent's because she wants to make it work and not be around him...But then she was crying and I felt bad and took her back.

Three weeks later after moving away from the ex, she sleeps over there again and hid this to me. It was only when she said "It was nice and snowing this morning in (his city)" that I realized where she was that night...

So yeah, maybe that was a mistake on my part...Now she is very angry at me 😕

Edited by mical
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What about all of this is attractive to you?  Is she supremely hot or something?  Has it been a while since you dated someone or had sex?  Do you feel powerful when a woman "needs" you to "save" her?

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1 minute ago, mical said:

Then she says they had the baby between them so it is not as bad as it seems.

She seems to have a mental age of fifteen!  That she would even blurt out something like that. The unfortunate baby was supposed to serve as some kind of passion-killer?!

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She has to work out the logistics with the baby's father and give herself more time to recover after the break up. These are tough times for anyone so finding a place to stay or finding friends or family willing to open up their home is not easy. Leave it right there and put a cork in the intense emotions going on this early. Intensity is fine but not with this much confusion and issues with healing after a break up and coparenting that still needs to be worked out. Another time, another place, maybe. But not right now. 

This shouldn't be a dating option at all. The most you can do is remain compassionate about her situation and let her be to figure out what she needs to figure out with her life. Now isn't the time to be getting angry with her even if she can't control her emotions. Just drop this and walk away. 

The sooner you start replacing all this confusion for something clearer and lighter or meeting others more on your wavelength and life stage, the easier things will be. Let this go.

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16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What about all of this is attractive to you?  Is she supremely hot or something?  Has it been a while since you dated someone or had sex?  Do you feel powerful when a woman "needs" you to "save" her?

Mical.  Keep away from latent train wrecks. 

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43 minutes ago, mical said:

She assured me nothing happened, they just shared the bed together. (She told me they were separated for 6 months, maybe this was not true what she said?)

Sure, and they spent the rest of the time playing checkers in front of the fire.  At any rate, she's playing you for a fool, yet sadly it appears you're falling for it.

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7 hours ago, mical said:

Thanks for replies everyone. I appreciate your input.

She wants to move in together and even yesterday said she would like to get married with me, she is only waiting for me to ask. So I think its safe to say she isn't seeing the ex then? She does have a picture of him with the baby as a picture on her phone and said he's being really nice to her lots lately, but I think it's just sentimental the picture because it was the baby's first smile...hmm

She wants to move in after two months of dating, and is talking of marriage.  That is insane!  What are you thinking!  These insta-relationships always end quickly.  It sounds like you are a rebound.  This has bad written all over it.    And, you want to  live with a crying baby that isn't yours.   She will return to him and is using you as an escape from the parents.  

If you believe her story, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.  Don't be a fool!  Are you usually attracted to problem women?

Edited by Hollyj
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Also, is the baby's father paying child support?

If not, that may be why she's trying to create an insta-fam.

What's puzzling is, it seems you are kind of turned on by the whole thing.  Why is that?

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8 hours ago, mical said:

She wants to move in together and even yesterday said she would like to get married with me, she is only waiting for me to ask. So I think its safe to say she isn't seeing the ex then? She does have a picture of him with the baby as a picture on her phone and said he's being really nice to her lots lately, but I think it's just sentimental the picture because it was the baby's first smile...hmm

Ohhh.. this is a NO.

As mentioned, they have NOT been split apart that long.

You do not even know IF you fully trust her.

WHY would she even think of saying something like this to a guy she has just recently become involved with?

Think hard on this!  And keep your own head on straight!

 

IF this is a 'rebound' she will be running away from YOU in most likely before the year is done- which will throw you into a whirlwind & leave you heavily confused  :(.

 

She NEEDS a good amount of time on her own, IMO, to sort thru her feelings and heal herself from her last relationship.  I feel she has NOT even begun that process.  ( Maybe at least 1+ yr).

Do not ask.. do not even discuss this 'marriage' idea.  That's just too much.

 

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4 hours ago, mical said:

I mentioned 2 months of dating is a bit soon and maybe we should take things a bit slower. but that I care lots about her and am looking forward to getting to know her more. She then got really angry and said she now feels desperate. She said I don't appreciate her (she is tired from crying baby, work, school) and the sacrifices she made for me (I think she means moving away from her ex?)

Yesterday, she spent ALL her savings which took her 3 years to save on a car apparently to be able to visit me more (but she starts a new job end of this month). She said she can't live at her parents anymore because today her father is being mean and drinking lots. Now she has no savings to move anywhere. 

So now I feel pretty bad..

It sounds like she's in a bad place right now emotionally. I am thinking she must have been treated very badly by her ex and fights with her parents.

She is desperately looking for someone to love her properly and for someone to move in with her.

The thing is, she does sound like she needs help but not in the way of you 'rescuing her'. Has she mentioned seeing any kind of counselling? 

You two have only been dating 2 months and she's placing all her happiness in your hands, that's not healthy for either of you.

Edited by SherrySher
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Do not allow her to move in with you, she will be impossible to get rid of and you will be banging your head against the wall for allowing it to happen.

You hardly know this girl after 2 months and what you do know isn't very promising.

 

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Posted (edited)

And to make matters even more complicated she wants me to move 1.5 hours from my work to be close to her. 

I said it was a bit too early for that and she said:

"If I wanted easiest solution for me I would stay with my ex. He bought a new apartment few weeks ago, has a nice car, nice salary almost like you and I didn't have to work at all. I would have "everything"...."

Then said she meant that she wants me instead cause those things don't matter to her 😕 

 

 

 

 

Edited by mical
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2 minutes ago, mical said:

And to make matters even more complicated she wants me to move 1.5 hours from my work to be close to her. 

I said it was a bit too early for that and she said:"If I wanted easiest solution for me I would stay with my ex. He bought a new apartment few weeks ago, has a nice car, nice salary almost like you and I didn't have to work at all. I would have "everything"...."
Then said she meant that she wants me instead cause those things don't matter to her 😕 

And so...what are you going to do abut this? 

You can complain about the red flags all you want, or you can be proactive and let her go. What exactly are you waiting for? 

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56 minutes ago, mical said:

 she said:

"If I wanted easiest solution for me I would stay with my ex. He bought a new apartment few weeks ago, has a nice car, nice salary almost like you and I didn't have to work at all. I would have "everything"...."

😕

I don't think he's an ex. She has an excellent solution for herself.  Stay with her BF/child's father.

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4 hours ago, mical said:

Then said she meant that she wants me instead cause those things don't matter to her 😕

Talk about a back handed compliment.

Edited by gamon
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