Jump to content

She slept over at her ex boyfriend's place (they have a baby)


Recommended Posts

My girlfriend stayed over at her ex boyfriends (a 2 hour drive from where she lives) because she wanted to drop her baby off at the father's, get a corona test, and take the baby to the doctor with the father before coming to visit me. 

She didn't mention anything about staying the night there it was only by accident. So she would have been there all day Thursday, stayed the night, came to visit me, and also spent all day Monday there because she had to do a bit of work part-time in his city. 

She said she slept on the couch, but I doubt that if there was a baby there and most likely shared the bed together.

Thanks for your input. She said nothing happened, it was just too much out of the way for her to drive there 2 hours, then back home another 2 hours, then visit me which is another 2 hours...

Edited by mical
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • mical changed the title to She slept over at her ex boyfriend's place (they have a baby)

What it comes down to is, do you trust your girlfriend? Has she given you a reason to think she might be messing around with her ex still?

Trust is a hard thing to come by in a relationship, and if you are with someone that you have spent enough time with, so that you know them fairly well, you have a good idea of what they are capable of and aren't capable of, you either trust them or you don't.

But if you don't trust them and you feel that there is a chance they are doing something behind your back, then end things.

It really is that cut and dry.

No point in staying with someone you don't trust. It will be torture for you and torture for them.

Many times over as well, you have to blindly trust. You can't be following someone around with a camera, so you have to take their word for it IF you decide to trust them.

The hard part is, sometimes you're going to be right on giving your trust to someone, sometimes you're going to be wrong. And unfortunately, there is no way to tell beforehand.

Relationships aren't always easy, and they can make a person feel vulnerable, but you do have to make the decision to trust or not trust.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

The relationship is really new, only 2 months old, so I am just trying to better understand this. I feel that since she talked to me that day and never mentioned where she was and didn't tell me because she thought it would upset me, was deceptive and not very trusting. 

So I am here just wanting to know what others would think, if this is a reason not to trust her or was this just a little mistake? 

 

Edited by mical
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Should you automatically assume she was doing wrong or that she lied about sleeping on the couch?

Well, first of all, a 2 hour drive with a baby would be exhausting, no doubt about that. If she wanted to stay and rest, that sounds totally legit.

As for not mentioning it to you, she might have been worried you wouldn't understand..again, understandable being as you're still getting to know one another.

Did she sleep on the couch or in his bed? That's something you're going to have to decide on your own whether you believe her, or not.

That's a total guess for anyone if she lied or didn't.

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Yeah the baby cries a lot and I can understand how driving 2 hours would have been very exhausting. Actually, I think she took the train...

She used to live there last month and then moved to her mother's place temporarily. They have been broken up for a long time (she said maybe 6 months or so), but he wants her back now...

 

Edited by mical
Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, mical said:

She used to live there last month and then moved to her mother's place temporarily. They have been broken up for a long time (she said maybe 6 months or so), but he wants her back now...

6 months is not a long time, especially if they have a baby together and were living together until just a month ago. 

He wants her back. She's having sleepovers. Bad news. 

I wouldn't count on your relationship with her lasting. Sorry man, it's far too soon for her to be involved with anyone else and she's nowhere near disentangled enough from her ex. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
13 minutes ago, mical said:

They have been broken up for a long time (she said maybe 6 months or so), but he wants her back now...

Does she want him back? What drove them apart? 

My advice is, don't jump to conclusions right this second. Wait it out a bit, talk to her..get to know more about the situation. 

He might want her back, but that doesn't mean she is wanting the same.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't feel that sleeping over is the worst. After all, 2 hours to get there with a baby, is a long exhausting ride.

No doubt she doesn't have a lot of money either. Hotels are expensive.

It still makes sense to me, and no, it doesn't mean she's jumping into bed with him...it doesn't mean that at all.

I would give it a bit more time.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I don't feel that sleeping over is the worst.

I would tend to agree if this weren't a recently-ended relationship, with a guy she lived with until a month ago, and one who wants her back. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would probably back off from this, if I were in your shoes. It's too questionable at this early stage, and it sounds like it really bothers you.

Why put up with something that you're uncomfortable with?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for replies everyone. I appreciate your input.

She wants to move in together and even yesterday said she would like to get married with me, she is only waiting for me to ask. So I think its safe to say she isn't seeing the ex then? She does have a picture of him with the baby as a picture on her phone and said he's being really nice to her lots lately, but I think it's just sentimental the picture because it was the baby's first smile...hmm

Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, mical said:

She wants to move in together and even yesterday said she would like to get married with me, she is only waiting for me to ask.

This is a huge red flag. You've only been dating 2 months. 

Run. 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, mical said:

The relationship is really new, only 2 months old,  she was and didn't tell me because she thought it would upset me, was deceptive and not very trusting. 

Unfortunately,they are still a couple. It sounds like she's cheating on him.

Cut your losses and find women free and clear to date.

If you continue this there'll just be headaches and heartaches you don't need.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I dated someone who's ex girlfriend was pregnant with their child.  She gave birth two months after we started dating.  He was 40, I was in my 30s.  They hadn't dated long.  He stayed over there,slept on the couch in her apartment to help with the newborn.  I did not think it was for any other reason than a newborn is often up every few hours and that way he could help.  But it made me realize I couldn't deal with the entire situation -not because I thought they were being intimate but just the whole train wreck aspects of their relationship, the "accidental" pregnancy, etc

In covid times I can see where she'd just stay there -depending on the age of the baby -rather than risk a hotel, etc. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

At two months in to dating, only 6 months out of a previous relationship, you really have to ask yourself why would she want to move in with you? And marry you? 

I'm sure you are a great guy, but this is a giant red flag for all the obvious reasons- financial support. fear of being alone.

Are you ready to be a step dad? Are you willing to accept the father as a co-parent that you will have a relationship with to some extent and will be a major player in the planning of your own life?

Why are you willing to accept this situation, after only 2 months? Surely there are women without babies and recent ex boyfriends that are still in the picture and always will be.

This is a huge sacrifice on your part. And you're not sure you trust the woman. Why? It could be your gut knows this situation is not what you really want. 

whenever someone is so ready to commit,  you have to ask yourself why?  what is in it for them? What is in it for me? Are we equal? Are we on the same page goals wise? Are we both putting in the same?

And you want to consider what is best for the baby.. Babies are not puppies.. If you chose to commit to one its for the long haul... Children can be affected by the revolving door of men and women their parents bring into the home. Sure this is a baby still and they won't remember but do you see the seriousness of the responsibility associated with it? Marriage is supposed to be for life.

This pairing looks pretty lopsided and rushed from the outside.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

 but he wants her back now. 

She wants to move in together and even yesterday said she would like to get married with me, she is only waiting for me to ask. So I think its safe to say she isn't seeing the ex then? She does have a picture of him with the baby as a picture on her phone and said he's being really nice to her lots lately

Why would you assume things like she's not seeing the ex when she wants to marry you? It doesn't seem like she makes the wisest decisions. She's known you 60 days and wants to marry you, and you think she's a together person? You're an escape from her mother's home. Why couldn't she make it work with the father of her child? She liked him well enough to be impregnated by him a year ago.

I'd say it's fine to date someone when you can see that their boundaries are good in co-parenting, whereas the only communication is about the child and custody arrangements. Here, she speaks of how he lets her know he wants her back, and how nice he is to her, which sounds nothing like "baby only" discussions.

Whenever there is unfinished business in their coupling, as in this case, you should end things and date a woman who is free of emotional attachments with an ex. Perhaps your dates have been footloose and fancy free, assuming her mom or the baby's dad was caring for the child while she was with you. Know that if you two moved in together, her focus would mostly be on the baby, as it should be. Only strong relationships can survive the different dynamic a child brings into the home.

I don't think you're being realistic about this relationship. Your hormones are probably on overdrive with the newness of this honeymoon period. Your heart shouldn't override your brain. They need to work in tandem. Your brain should be telling you that the cons far outweigh the pros, and you should be seeking a woman without messy entanglements. She's not the last woman on the planet.

Edited by Andrina
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I can see her getting pregnant again. I sure hope you're using condoms. 

How old is the baby?

Was she exposed to Covid and that's why she got a test? Have you been tested?

Look, she is going to be connected to the baby's father for life. Can you accept that? And apparently her go to is to conceal things from you. Are you ok with that too?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

6 months is not a long time, especially if they have a baby together and were living together until just a month ago. 

He wants her back. She's having sleepovers. Bad news. 

I wouldn't count on your relationship with her lasting. Sorry man, it's far too soon for her to be involved with anyone else and she's nowhere near disentangled enough from her ex. 

Absolutely, Ms. Canuck.

A recipe for disaster!

Everything is too much too soon. After ONLY two months dating she is talking about marriage?!

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

you should end things and date a woman who is free of emotional attachments with an ex. Perhaps your dates have been footloose and fancy free, assuming her mom or the baby's dad was caring for the child while she was with you. Know that if you two moved in together, her focus would mostly be on the baby, as it should be. Only strong relationships can survive the different dynamic a child brings into the home.

Fully agree Andrina. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Now it just got a bit more complicated...

I mentioned 2 months of dating is a bit soon and maybe we should take things a bit slower. but that I care lots about her and am looking forward to getting to know her more. She then got really angry and said she now feels desperate. She said I don't appreciate her (she is tired from crying baby, work, school) and the sacrifices she made for me (I think she means moving away from her ex?)

Yesterday, she spent ALL her savings which took her 3 years to save on a car apparently to be able to visit me more (but she starts a new job end of this month). She said she can't live at her parents anymore because today her father is being mean and drinking lots. Now she has no savings to move anywhere. 

So now I feel pretty bad..

 

 

 

Edited by mical
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, mical said:

Now it just got a bit more complicated...

I mentioned 2 months of dating is a bit soon and maybe we should take things a bit slower. but that I care lots about her and am looking forward to getting to know her more. She then got really angry and said she now feels desperate. She said I don't appreciate her (she is tired from crying baby, work, school) and the sacrifices she made for me (I think she means moving out from her ex?)

Yesterday, she spent ALL her savings which took her 3 years to save on a car apparently to be able to visit me more (but she started a new job end of this month). She said she can't live at her parents anymore because today her father is being mean and drinking lots. Now she has no savings to move anywhere. 

So now I feel pretty bad..

 

 

 

I think it makes it more simple.  She made choices on impulse.  Not your problem.  Exit now -ASAP -tell her politely you don't see this working out, you don't have enough in common and you realize you're not ready to commit to her and her child.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, mical said:

She then got really angry and said she now feels desperate. She said I don't appreciate her

 

1 minute ago, mical said:

and the sacrifices she made for me

Here we go!  Now you are seeing the real her, OP. And she is also trying to guilt-trip you big time. Don't fall for it. 

How on earth could she spend ALL her savings of three years YESTERDAY!   

4 minutes ago, mical said:

the sacrifices she made for me (I think she means moving out from her ex?)

Please clarify what this means OP. If she moved out from her ex it is because she wanted to do so. Or did you pressure her?

6 minutes ago, mical said:

today her father is being mean and drinking lots.

Not your problem, OP, always assuming it is the truth.

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, mical said:

Now it just got a bit more complicated...

I mentioned 2 months of dating is a bit soon and maybe we should take things a bit slower. but that I care lots about her and am looking forward to getting to know her more. She then got really angry and said she now feels desperate. She said I don't appreciate her (she is tired from crying baby, work, school) and the sacrifices she made for me (I think she means moving out from her ex?)

Yesterday, she spent ALL her savings which took her 3 years to save on a car apparently to be able to visit me more (but she started a new job end of this month). She said she can't live at her parents anymore because today her father is being mean and drinking lots. Now she has no savings to move anywhere. 

So now I feel pretty bad..

 

 

 

This is further manipulations. What you told her was not unreasonable. At all! She is an adult. She is responsible for all of her decisions. Her living arrangements. choice to buy a car instead of get a place etc.

You do not know her or owe her.  Be very careful to not take ownership of her and her situation. And use a condom. Do not trust her to not intentionally get pregnant and do not underestimate her fertility. A woman that recently had a baby can be very fertile. its like the body goes into baby making mode.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

She is manipulating you, OP. 

This woman is desperate and impulsive, and clearly doesn't plan for the future. She is latching on to you for all the wrong reasons. Her poor life choices are not your responsibility. 

If you are smart, you will see through her crocodile tears and realize this is a recipe for disaster. 

Edited by MissCanuck
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...