I just want to end the friendship

[TryingtoSucceed]

15 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Start giving that niceness back to yourself. You don't deserve to be treated this way, by anyone. You also don't need to be forced or drained by anyone.

Be your own best friend and keep this vampire away.

Thank you for your kind words.

[Rose Mosse]

23 hours ago, TryingtoSucceed said:

Yes this has helped. With minor friendships in the past, I have never had a heart to heart talk about ending a friendship. I think people just slowly vanish from our lives.  Thank you. This one is just a bit harder because it has been a 13 year relationship. I’ve been telling her that I have been busy and this year will be no different. I actually do not have time for nonsense because I will be working on a project I want to start this year. I will be letting her go. 

Maybe it is harder on you to let go than it ultimately may be for her (not trying to assume anything too much here). The friendship meant a lot to you and you feel sad and unhappy that it got to this point, even hurt. Meanwhile... she's on another planet?

Definitely be kind to yourself and surround yourself with people who give you love and support and don't drain you. Hope things clear up soon. Let us know how it goes.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, i would not tell her its over. I would take her call - but better yet "Sally, I am at work, but if you would like to chat, I am available at X time" (pick a time after dinner or so).  If she doesn't call you - oh well.  If she calls you the next day and its the same thing, tell her the same thing..

When she does connect with you - set boundaries. If she starts gossiping say "oh, i am sure Martha will figure out what she wants to do with Stan.  Hey, have you seen any new shows I should watch?"  And if she persists "you know, I think Martha is just trying to figure it all out and she doesn't deserve for us to talk behind her back about it"....and keep redirecting.   People treat you how you allow them to be treated.  Either you will "train" her and speak to her when the conversation is positive and graciously hang up when its not and she will either stay friends with you or not --- or she will start drifting away.

She is not very self aware if she doesn't see the truth in someone saying she is toxic. If you play your cards right, like i said, she will talk to you a whole lot less and she will not REALIZE you talk a lot less or she will exit.

 

[TryingtoSucceed]

Just an update. I decided to do a slow fade away.
 

I got a call from Sally one day. I didn’t answer because I was actually busy. I sent her a text later that day telling her I got her message, I’ve been busy these days but will chat with her when I get the time to do so. She responded saying ok. Guess what? She calls me the next day. Again I didn’t answer, I was honestly busy. And if I wasn’t, I wasn’t going to take her call anyways. I didn’t bother returning the call or anything. 
 

But the next day, I get a text from a former mutual friend of ours. Totally random because this is a person that I had not heard from all of last year. And the year before that, I only heard from them twice.

This former mutual friend simply wanted to know ho I am doing. I know they only reached out to me because of Sally. 
 

I’m just going to keep doing a slow fade away. May be painful but I know if I talk to her about it, nothing will change and if I just tell her I’m done, it will be a complete mess. Only time will help until she figures out I’m not going to be there for her abuse.

[Lambert]

I vote the slow fade or the full out ghost. It's not worth the aggravation... letting things just fade away is my approach to friends I've outgrown. I'm going through that now and I have been for a while now. A friend of over 20 years and just don't vibe with her anymore.  Everything revolves around her. even if it's about me, its about how it effects her. We've talked about,  fought about it, she apologized, but nothing changes.  

I've come to realize it's not up to me to point out her flaws, to explain why she's not meeting my needs as a friend. I don't owe anyone an explanation. I don't have to respond if I don't want to.  If I'm drained, then it's on me to become undrained. Me. I'm number 1 to me. Friends, family, work, relationships all fall in line behind my commitment to myself.

I'm working through the feelings of guilt and anger with all of this and that's enough. I don't need to defend myself in some last confrontation that does nothing but create drama. You're definitely not alone in ditching a friend... For me, I think the less said the better. As you pull away and your focus changes it will get easier.  At least that's what I'm thinking.  lol

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TryingtoSucceed said:

Only time will help until she figures out I’m not going to be there for her abuse.

👍 Just keep tiptoeing out slowly but surely

[smackie9]

Just like any kind of relationship, you feel at a loss because you have invested 13 years into this. Lots of people ask themselves "Am I doing the right thing?" I say yes, and you should never feel guilt because this person wasn't really a true friend. I have walked away from friendships and even a few social circles over the years. It's true you do out grow them, life changes everyone. Doing the slow fade I say works best. In turn they will think you are not being a friend, so they will think they are ditching you all together as the phone calls stop.

[TryingtoSucceed]

6 hours ago, Lambert said:

I vote the slow fade or the full out ghost. It's not worth the aggravation... letting things just fade away is my approach to friends I've outgrown. 

Thanks. That’s what I’m doing now. 

[TryingtoSucceed]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Just like any kind of relationship, you feel at a loss because you have invested 13 years into this. Lots of people ask themselves "Am I doing the right thing?" I say yes, and you should never feel guilt because this person wasn't really a true friend. I have walked away from friendships and even a few social circles over the years. It's true you do out grow them, life changes everyone. Doing the slow fade I say works best. In turn they will think you are not being a friend, so they will think they are ditching you all together as the phone calls stop.

Thanks. That’s what I am doing now, the slow fade. I do look back and see how this person was never a true friend. I fish I didn’t let the “friendship” go on for this long. 

[Cherylyn]

I've done a drift apart and fade, too.  It works.  She'll get the message that you're no longer interested in the friendship and seriously moved on.