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I just want to end the friendship


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I have been friends with Sally( name has been changed for privacy) for nearly 13 years now. We have been friends since college.  We are now in our 30s. In college, the friendship worked. We have different personalities but it worked. We balanced each other out during those days. 

Today, and for a few years now, I feel this friendship has drained me. Since college I feel Sally has been using me more for her benefits than us really being friends. She always calls me to get something from me. It’s either to help her move up in the world somehow. As in to help her get a job, have my boyfriend help her somehow. Or she calls me to gossip about other people, to find out gossip about my life or to complain about her married life. That’s literally all she calls me for. I am tired of it. 

During the years, she has let me down so many times. I have shared with her something very personal and she turns around and shared it with a couple of people I have not talked to in a few years. I’ve had a boyfriend cheat on me and when I called her up to talk, she was “too busy” working on her failed relationship. I have always been there to listen to her problems but she seems to only be available for my problems here and there. 

Since our time in college, she has lost 1 close friend that we have shared. Sally told me this one friend just disappeared from her life. Sally found out the reason this friend disappeared is because they thought Sally was too needy and toxic. I agree! There’s been a few other friends who weren’t close that just got tired of Sally. They either just walked out of her life or just communicate a few times a year. Even my boyfriend has told me several times that he hates how Sally treats me. He tells me she just uses me.

Lately I’ve been not answering all of her phone calls, or calling her immediately back. I used to be so available to her. But since I don’t answer her calls, she’ll call me again 30 minutes later! If I don’t call her back that same day after her second call, she will call again the very next morning. I’m tired. 

I know it’s best to end a friendship by talking to that person face to face and explain why you do not want to be friends, but I honestly cannot deal with that. I think I’m just writing this to vent, but I honestly need help on how to end this “friendship.” Has anyone just ignored a person till they just left? 

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Yup, some people will drain you 😞 . I had to remove someone from my life once or twice.  I was just.. done!

She got under my skin too much, noticing repeated jealous responses/ behaviour- which I tolerated for a while.. but I finally just went quiet.  And yeah, she tried to contact me.. I did not respond for a few days- and in that time I wrote out all I had to say ( I often journal).

By writing things down we often see it in visual terms as well can change anything that seems wrong, etc.

I ended up emailing her my letter, explaining myself.  I did not want to do this face to face with her ( due to how I know she will be- denial, cold response, defensive etc.

She replied about 3 days later... first appologizing, etc... ( then poor me attidude).

Before I could reply to her response again.. a few days later, I got another email.. This time she had turned it all around onto me. ( How I was so nasty to her.. How she did this and/or I was like this to her..etc).

None of it mattered, since I was the one who had the original issue- which was never properly dealt with.

 

I pretty much had enough- even another friend & parents could not understand her behaviour- saying I never did anything.. yet she was acting like this.

So, I just remained quiet & gave up with everything.  She obviously could not or would not try to understand me, accept her faults, nothing.

Do I regret this?  No. Because we need to come to realize those that are 'toxic' to us. Meaning someone who is not good for us- affecting us in a negative.

Be honest- get to it, make your point and if it needs to be done.  Be done.

In time you will feel that relief.  Less pressure- like weight lifted off your shoulders. ( especially if your bf etc also notices all of this).

 

Gd luck

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54 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yup, some people will drain you 😞 . I had to remove someone from my life once or twice.  I was just.. done!

She got under my skin too much, noticing repeated jealous responses/ behaviour- which I tolerated for a while.. but I finally just went quiet.  And yeah, she tried to contact me.. I did not respond for a few days- and in that time I wrote out all I had to say ( I often journal).

By writing things down we often see it in visual terms as well can change anything that seems wrong, etc.

I ended up emailing her my letter, explaining myself.  I did not want to do this face to face with her ( due to how I know she will be- denial, cold response, defensive etc.

She replied about 3 days later... first appologizing, etc... ( then poor me attidude).

Before I could reply to her response again.. a few days later, I got another email.. This time she had turned it all around onto me. ( How I was so nasty to her.. How she did this and/or I was like this to her..etc).

None of it mattered, since I was the one who had the original issue- which was never properly dealt with.

 

I pretty much had enough- even another friend & parents could not understand her behaviour- saying I never did anything.. yet she was acting like this.

So, I just remained quiet & gave up with everything.  She obviously could not or would not try to understand me, accept her faults, nothing.

Do I regret this?  No. Because we need to come to realize those that are 'toxic' to us. Meaning someone who is not good for us- affecting us in a negative.

Be honest- get to it, make your point and if it needs to be done.  Be done.

In time you will feel that relief.  Less pressure- like weight lifted off your shoulders. ( especially if your bf etc also notices all of this).

 

Gd luck

Thanks for your advice. I know it will feel like a weight being lifted but I am not there yet. I have always been a non confrontational person so this is what worries me the most. By emailing her, I can see how it would be easier. Thanks again for your advice and the fact you can relate.

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Unfortunately it seems like you have grown apart.

In this particular case, don't confront or ignore.

Use a slow fade method. Be bland, be unengaging, be very busy. Use one-word or vague replies. "Fine", " not much", etc.

That gives someone like this  nothing to chew on and they start seeking out others for thier drama.

Reset your social media settings to restricting access to your content to only those in your inner circle..

Distance yourself slowly but surely until you have moved her from the friend folder to the acquaintance folder.

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But since I don’t answer her calls, she’ll call me again 30 minutes later! If I don’t call her back that same day after her second call, she will call again the very next morning. I’m tired. 

The average person will only give as much effort as they get, and will take a hint. She's not average and therefore how you've been handling it hasn't been working, so you might very well have to have that conversation with her. Ethically, in this case, I wouldn't think it would have to be done in person. She didn't keep your secrets. She ignored your request to be there for you when your bf cheated. That's not what a true friend would do, so therefore, you're severing a human being from your life, but certainly not a friend.

You're a normal person who has empathy so of course this is a difficult task, regardless of you being a non-confrontational person or not. Nobody would enjoy doing what you need to do.

If I was in your shoes, I'd probably just text her and tell her the friendship no longer works for you, and you wish her the best, and are choosing not to discuss the reasons. And then I'd block her number. IMO, she doesn't deserve anything more. How you choose to do it might be different. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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"If I was in your shoes, I'd probably just text her and tell her the friendship no longer works for you, and you wish her the best, and are choosing not to discuss the reasons. And then I'd block her number. IMO, she doesn't deserve anything more. How you choose to do it might be different. Good luck and let us know how it goes."    

 

I agree!

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8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you have grown apart.

In this particular case, don't confront or ignore.

Use a slow fade method. Be bland, be unengaging, be very busy. Use one-word or vague replies. "Fine", " not much", etc.

That gives someone like this  nothing to chew on and they start seeking out others for thier drama.

Reset your social media settings to restricting access to your content to only those in your inner circle..

Distance yourself slowly but surely until you have moved her from the friend folder to the acquaintance folder.

Thank you. I’ve been slowly fading away. It’s been taking awhile for her to leave me be. I was going to remove my self from social media all together. I will be doing that soon. The slow fadeaway, and not allowing her to “see” my life on social media or interact with me should do the trick.

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I was in a similar situation where I had to end a so called friendship as she was basically using me for money and rides around town.

She was defensive, mean and a bit narcissistic.  Not even a thank you for doing all these favors for the last 2 yrs.  She gave nothing back in return except a coffee here or there and once $20.  

She repeatedly criticized my looks - hair, makeup, personal habits and cut me off frequently when I was talking.  Or saying nothing in response or change the subject.

After doing some research I learned this type of person is not your friend.

That's why no meeting or call to end things.  I simply never replied to her texts or calls.  We did have a text conversation before the end about some damage she caused to my car.  Of course, she threw everything back on me.  She was also wierd in some behaviors like not acknowledging me while I was waiting outside her house in the car.  She made me wait 30 min & suddenly appears without an apology or explanation.  This occurred 3 times.  I'm so done with users.

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8 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

I was in a similar situation where I had to end a so called friendship as she was basically using me for money and rides around town.

She was defensive, mean and a bit narcissistic.  Not even a thank you for doing all these favors for the last 2 yrs.  She gave nothing back in return except a coffee here or there and once $20.  

She repeatedly criticized my looks - hair, makeup, personal habits and cut me off frequently when I was talking.  Or saying nothing in response or change the subject.

After doing some research I learned this type of person is not your friend.

That's why no meeting or call to end things.  I simply never replied to her texts or calls.  We did have a text conversation before the end about some damage she caused to my car.  Of course, she threw everything back on me.  She was also wierd in some behaviors like not acknowledging me while I was waiting outside her house in the car.  She made me wait 30 min & suddenly appears without an apology or explanation.  This occurred 3 times.  I'm so done with users.

Thank you for this. Reading this made me sit and think about anything she has offered me in return. Which was maybe some laughs, a few drinks back ago and a few birthday gifts (a couple of them were things I had no interest in). But overall she is a complete user. The fact she has started to use my boyfriend has put an even more sour note in my mouth. Nothing too out there but the fact she felt it was okay to seek his help without asking me first. 
 

This is a new year, and I’m done with users. 

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I may be in the minority but I don't think friendships require a 'break up' talk. I don't think an email is required either. I think it's asking for a bit more trouble than it's worth, especially considering the friendship has expired. Some people just love to feed off the energy of others or can't wait to nitpick or unleash their issues non-stop in a barrage. You can help yourself by giving these individuals a wide, wide berth and take care of yourself a little more as best you can. The only reason why you're an emotional punching bag for someone is because you're open and available to that type of treatment from others. 

I'd go the more tactful route and explain that life is getting busy if you end up missing her calls. Let them go to voicemail and mute the calls if your life does indeed get too busy. Prioritize events and people. If there are others you'd like to get to know more or other friends you want to keep in touch with who have been lingering in the background quietly and minding their own business, MAKE ROOM for them and get in touch with those people who add to your passion and love for life. 

Hope this helps. 

 

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

I may be in the minority but I don't think friendships require a 'break up' talk. I don't think an email is required either. I think it's asking for a bit more trouble than it's worth, especially considering the friendship has expired. Some people just love to feed off the energy of others or can't wait to nitpick or unleash their issues non-stop in a barrage. You can help yourself by giving these individuals a wide, wide berth and take care of yourself a little more as best you can. The only reason why you're an emotional punching bag for someone is because you're open and available to that type of treatment from others. 

I'd go the more tactful route and explain that life is getting busy if you end up missing her calls. Let them go to voicemail and mute the calls if your life does indeed get too busy. Prioritize events and people. If there are others you'd like to get to know more or other friends you want to keep in touch with who have been lingering in the background quietly and minding their own business, MAKE ROOM for them and get in touch with those people who add to your passion and love for life. 

Hope this helps. 

 

Yes this has helped. With minor friendships in the past, I have never had a heart to heart talk about ending a friendship. I think people just slowly vanish from our lives.  Thank you. This one is just a bit harder because it has been a 13 year relationship. I’ve been telling her that I have been busy and this year will be no different. I actually do not have time for nonsense because I will be working on a project I want to start this year. I will be letting her go. 

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20 hours ago, TryingtoSucceed said:

 

Your friend is an "energy vampire."  Google "energy vampire."

Toxic, dysfunctional people have the "misery loves company" mindset.  They're miserable and insecure so they'll forever drag you down to their level by making you miserable, too.  You need to promptly rid them.

I avoid mentally ill people like the plague and I've never felt more safe, secure and at peace.  Give yourself the gift of freedom to choose who deserves to be in your life and who needs to immediately exit your life.  You'll feel grateful for the huge relief.

You do not need to talk to your friend face to face in person to explain nary a thing to her.  There is a classy, respectful way to end friendships (or relationships).  Text or email her this: "Our friendship has since run its course.   Please honor my wishes by not contacting me anymore.  I wish you well.  Thank you."  Sign off with your name.  If your friend is relentless for continued correspondence and explanations, then ghost, block and delete her from your cell phone, email, social media, etc. 

If you're uncomfortable with a final text, email or message to her, then drift apart and fade away. 

I had a friend from high school and she was one of my bridesmaids in my bridal party.  To make a long story shorter, I had some instinctive trust issues with her.  Whenever a person's integrity and character are put into question within your brain, listen to your gut instincts and eliminate them from your life.  (With some people, you need to enforce strong, healthy boundaries.)  We never had a falling out.  She attempted to contact me numerous times to no avail.  She sent me a few postal Christmas cards and asked to be my friend on social media, again to no avail.  I simply let the friendship dissolve on its own and she eventually got the message.  Whenever you completely ignore somebody, they should take the hint that you're no longer interested in them and have since moved on with your life.  There are no war with words.  You simply disappear into oblivion.  Ghost, block and delete her.  Then walk away permanently.

 

 

 

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13 years is a long time to have a friend. 

I have a cousin who is about a 9 hour drive away from my home.  As children, we were extremely close, wrote postal letters to each other on a regular basis decades before the Internet, visited each others homes, our parents, siblings and families were close and since she was an only child, I was her sister.  I doted on her, showered her with attention, money, gifts, good to her children, her husband and all was well.  Since my sister is 10 years younger than me, I felt closer to my cousin because we are closer in age and only 2 years apart.  We could relate and had more in common because we were born in the same generation unlike my biological sister.

Unfortunately, my cousin has very miserable personal problems.  No amount of dear cousin-ship can compensate nor comfort her personal misery.  She married her second husband, he's a bad guy, very sickly with autoimmune disorders (Multiple Sclerosis and Epilepsy), he's no longer employed, she is the breadwinner and they have two children.  If that weren't bad enough, her husband is a liability due to many years of criminal behavior which I won't get into.  Many of my cousin's friends simply disappeared from her life with nary an explanation.  They just left.  I think that's perfectly acceptable.  Everyone has their own way of exiting friendships. 

Despite all of my cousin's chaotic, horrific, personal problems galore, I was her moral support for many years.  Out of desperation, she behaved with vicious disregard by betraying me sorely and unforgivably.  That was the nail in the coffin regarding my cousin-ship with her.  I emailed her with finality and fortunately, after parting ways peacefully, we have an agreement not to bother each other permanently. 

I regret the fact that I don't know her anymore.  She's not the same, sweet, innocent cousin from decades ago.  She had been corrupted and tainted.  "If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas."  

Anytime there is a major problem in friendships (or relationships), it ends because it wasn't meant to be.  Normal, respectful, trustworthy, empathetic and loving friendships (or relationships) were meant to endure because both parties are mentally mature to care to make it work and put forth the effort to succeed consistently.  Empathy requires tremendous maturity.  Without empathy, there are selfish, manipulative behaviors which are intolerable and unacceptable.  (Same with all relationships.)  Any friendship (or relationship) short of very conscientious morals, integrity and virtuous behavior is eventually doomed for failure. 

Enforcing healthy boundaries includes making sure you feel safe and protected by encircling yourself with very moral, high quality people.  Everyone else is OUT and not a member of your exclusive club.    

This philosophy of mine is a catharsis.  I'm no longer emotional whenever I look at facts.  Emotion clouds your judgment.  

It's all about your mental survival.  Save and protect yourself.  Be kind to yourself because it's your way of respecting yourself.  You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.  Nothing else matters. 

 

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34 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Your friend is an "energy vampire."  Google "energy vampire."

Toxic, dysfunctional people have the "misery loves company" mindset.  They're miserable and insecure so they'll forever drag you down to their level by making you miserable, too.  You need to promptly rid them.

I avoid mentally ill people like the plague and I've never felt more safe, secure and at peace.  Give yourself the gift of freedom to choose who deserves to be in your life and who needs to immediately exit your life.  You'll feel grateful for the huge relief.

You do not need to talk to your friend face to face in person to explain nary a thing to her.  There is a classy, respectful way to end friendships (or relationships).  Text or email her this: "Our friendship has since run its course.   Please honor my wishes by not contacting me anymore.  I wish you well.  Thank you."  Sign off with your name.  If your friend is relentless for continued correspondence and explanations, then ghost, block and delete her from your cell phone, email, social media, etc. 

If you're uncomfortable with a final text, email or message to her, then drift apart and fade away. 

I had a friend from high school and she was one of my bridesmaids in my bridal party.  To make a long story shorter, I had some instinctive trust issues with her.  Whenever a person's integrity and character are put into question within your brain, listen to your gut instincts and eliminate them from your life.  (With some people, you need to enforce strong, healthy boundaries.)  We never had a falling out.  She attempted to contact me numerous times to no avail.  She sent me a few postal Christmas cards and asked to be my friend on social media, again to no avail.  I simply let the friendship dissolve on its own and she eventually got the message.  Whenever you completely ignore somebody, they should take the hint that you're no longer interested in them and have since moved on with your life.  There are no war with words.  You simply disappear into oblivion.  Ghost, block and delete her.  Then walk away permanently.

 

 

 

 

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12 minutes ago, LoreliFinn said:

 

I couldn't agree with you more about the "energy vampire" concept.  Misery loves company and after awhile things feel so off for us that we analyze things to the bone.  Trying to be a "good friend" gets in the way of our self respect.  I put up with a user way too long.  As long as you are willing to exhaust your energy on these people, they don't seem to care.  They also tend to start abusing us at some point.  In my case the woman actually snuck out the back door of a store with frozen blueberries in her bag.  I knew what she did but didn't mention it.  What was I thinking?  She's a thief.  All this in the name of friendship at the time.  Sadly, this was no friendship at all.  She was fake.  A hard lesson learned after "giving" so much.

You have really shown a massive amount of self respect by cutting her out of your life.  I'm sure you will never allow this type of person to be your energy vampire ever again.

 

 

 🦇🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Going through something similar, but mine just moved to another state in past few months so it's easier.  What makes it complicated is we have mutual friends and spend time in the same social circle.

We've been friends for 30 years and she is an emotional vampire and a user.  Those moments she disappointed me I spoke my mind, so my subsequent distance isn't really any surprise to her.

The funny thing about users is when they sense you are onto them they move on to someone else who will be their willing victim. 

Her current victim, a mutual friend who is selfless and doesn't know how to say no, is basically her 'yes man now.  She's complained to me a few times about the mistreatment and I don't want to interfere, but I do let her know that I understand.  I told her it's weird to be on this side watching, because there was a time . . .for many years, I was her 'yes man.  She'll need to figure this out on her own and not because I said anything I will regret.

 So, just keep saying no and she will eventually take her toys and leave. 

Even though it seems like the reasonable thing to do, there is no point in explaining yourself to unreasonable people

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2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Your friend is an "energy vampire."  Google "energy vampire."Toxic, dysfunctional people have the "misery loves company" mindset. 

I did Google energy vampire. She indeed is one. Even read some articles on it. Thank you. You are right. It’s all about your mental survival. I’m just too nice. I need to look out for myself. 

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5 minutes ago, TryingtoSucceed said:

I’m just too nice. I need to look out for myself. 

Start giving that niceness back to yourself. You don't deserve to be treated this way, by anyone. You also don't need to be forced or drained by anyone.

Be your own best friend and keep this vampire away.

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41 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Going through something similar, but mine just moved to another state in past few months so it's easier.  What makes it complicated is we have mutual friends and spend time in the same social circle.We've been friends for 30 years and she is an emotional vampire and a user.  Those moments she

Even though it seems like the reasonable thing to do, there is no point in explaining yourself to unreasonable people

Thank you. I have two mutual friends with her and this is something I thought about. I’ve know these two friends for the same amount of time...13 years. What makes it easier for me, is these two mutual friends are people I hardly talk to anymore. So I don’t mind “losing” them as well. I don’t want anything tied to this friend of mine after I disappear from her life. So those two have to go as well. The four of us (the 2 mutual friends, myself and the “energy vampire”) are only in contact because the energy vampire is the one who holds us together. 

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Google "sociopath."  That's who my cousin was.  I can sniff a sociopath from a mile away.  My mother is the one who gave me the heads up and forewarned me to cut my cousin loose.  Sociopaths are masters of deception and quite the experts of their craft.   They thrive on using people and always take advantage of you.  They've since had a lot of practice and always scope out their victims.  They manipulate, use you, gaslight or threaten you if confronted and they're a scary lot!  Run for the hills!  The best thing you can do for your survival is to cut them off.  Sociopaths are dangerous.  Never be naive.  Beware. 

Your soon to be ex-friend sounds like a sociopath. 

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I'm of the camp that believes that leaving a friendship does NOT require any form of confrontation or explanation. Those might be fantasized as cathartic, but they're just bridge burners that provide the opposite of satisfaction.

Why? Because no convo with this person will ever play out as you'd wish.

But you know this already. You want to get away from faux friend because she never accepts what you say, and she P's you off. So why provide one last platform for her to do that, only to feel the resulting seethe through your entire future as your stomach hurts over creating an unnecessary enemy?

Skip that. If there was ever a point to speaking up, it would have been to resolve your conflict. You never did that--for good reason. You knew where it would lead. So why set yourself up to drink that poison on your way out?

If you want this woman to do you a favor and ditch YOU, offer the antipathy of what she thrives on: your new year's resolution to only speak of good and positive things that will cheer you up.

Boom! Done.

She will bore of you in 5 minutes, and she'll be the one who cuts the call short. She will be long gone, and if she forgets and contacts you in the future, you can tell her how great you've been doing since you shut down your complaint department--you feel fabulous!

She'll remember why she left, and she'll promptly do so again.

Head high, and happy new year! May it bore the faux friend silly.

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