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Bf fell in love with me after he played the field


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On 1/4/2021 at 10:55 PM, bluecastle said:

Can I ask again how old you guys are? No worries if you prefer not to say. I'm just curious. 

The impression I'm getting is that you both want something pretty simple, if not quite in line. You want to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with him, him only, and you'd like the safety that comes from believing he wants the same thing. He, meanwhile, wants to be in a relationship with you that eventually incorporates threesomes and allows him to continue to scratch some itch for sexual variety, exploration. No need to overthink all that, and certainly no need to make it a verdict on yourself, but just to be honest if that's a gap that can be bridged. 

Like Rose, I'm curious to know if you feel, right now, like a priority in his life? What each of us need to feel like that is different, from it's certainly a critical ingredient to harmony and not one to skimp on. 

 

 

I like your last sentence, thanks a lot. So I definitely feel like his priority, as he would definitely say no to these experiences like a threesome because of me. Also I am interested in females as well so he might even not be disrespectful. BUT I think his want for a threesome also expresses some desire to experience more. His not have to live that means I am his priority. So what weighs more? That's difficult.

Should I just be happy that I am his priority now - or would it be more mindful to pay attention to his willingness to approach such experiences?

Kind regards

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On 1/4/2021 at 11:06 PM, SherrySher said:

If you decide to remain dating this man, you need to realize that he has a lot of baggage he is bringing into the situation, he is also careless when it comes to being promiscuous and I highly doubt that's going to change anytime soon.

He may stop the one nighters momentarily while he thinks he's "in love" but if he enjoys that, he will more than likely go back to it at some point.

The chances of you being cheated on is higher than most relationships and you need to be aware of that.

Should you take it personally that he fooled around even though he had met you? It's up to you, your feelings are valid if you do feel that way. I think many women would.

Tread carefully on the decisions you make here. He doesn't sound like the best choice for a partner or the most stable.

Thanks a lot for your kind reply. He actually didn't like the ONS because it made him feel that he was a relationship guy.

But from my experience after 2 years being in a relationship with him is that he still is not the most stable partner.

When it comes to his feelings for me, no doubt he is stable.

But I have seen him rejecting me for another woman, then he came back after he rejected the other woman.

I don't know if you would do this to your true love. On the other hand, I think a hurt person hurts other people.

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On 1/4/2021 at 11:52 PM, SooSad33 said:

This is ALL very concerning to me. 😕

By sounds of it, he rebounded onto you- while still dealing with an ex he realized he had lost. ( awful behaviour) 😞

They broke up but still slept together?  Ohh boy.  But stopped when he met you?  Are you sure? . . .

He told you he could never love again- but you took him on.

After 5 months, he pulled away, saying he did not want anything to develop between you two. (HE was scared & wanted to play the field.. ohh of course).

He 'felt lonesome'.  Yeah, well sorry, but this is on him.

And now he's coming back around your way... None of this sounds good- for YOUR mental health.  I would not go back to that!  He's all over the place. do you not agree?  ( very unsettled).

I say HE needs a good year or more on his own.  He needs to accept & heal from his past gf.  You cannot do that if you are swinging away from one woman to another!.  he has take NO time to work on what has happened with her yet... sounds like he is trying to push all of that down, out of the way- but it will re surface!

 

If you ask me, I say this is selfish behaviour and I would not take someone like this back UNTIL I know they are really okay again and have their head on straight.

I;ve experiences rebounders- they always end badly & as fast as they started.

So, this is all up to you.. but I say walk away from this.  Is not what YOU need.  But, is up to you.

 

Good luck & tread carefully.

 

Actually - the break up was 1 year ago before I met him. After 6 months of his break up he had casual sex with another female who wanted a relationship with him. But he got scared, was not ready and broke up with the casual girl. Then he made up the plan: no relationship, no hurt.

That was when he met me. And he slept with his ex one last time after our first kiss on a party. The first months we "dated" he called his ex, he sent her seductive messages and told her he sleeps with a new girl (me). (he only told me afterwards)

Is it typical for rebounders to "play the field" and jump from woman to woman?

I should have let him heal, instead of trying to be there for him. I sticked to him because he was soft and hurt and I saw that.

When he was suddenly in love afterwards, I was surprised, so was he. He didn't want to be in love. He was still hurt. But his love grew so he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I think it was toxic to start this relationship. But I loved him. Really complicated. I hope I heal from this.

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On 1/5/2021 at 10:01 AM, MissCanuck said:

Does it matter what it "counts" as to him? 

What matters is how that makes you feel. It's ok to be uncomfortable with this and not agree to it. I think it's ultimately a fairly simple (but painful) issue: he likes you and the relationship, but he's not ready to be committed and sexually monogamous long-term. He's not done exploring other women, which makes sense at 23 but is not conducive to the sort of relationship you want. 

Only you can decide if that's something you're okay with. Unless you are naturally non-monogamous, this is going to be a very difficult road to navigate. 

 

Hello my dear,

thanks a lot for your reply. I think he stopped playing the field because he fell in love after only one one night stand.

Definitely he was not ready to quit that but he just did because he was in love. I also do not think he is a player because the ons showed him that he is neither a lone wulf nor a player (as he said to me) but more of a relationship guy.

I think threesomes are somehow indoctrinating guys. They think it's a way to explore sexual possibilities within the defined boundaries of a relationship.

I am not up for this. It's kind of the one woman is good, two women are better thinking. I have experienced this with him, that was hurtful and I will not reinscenate this. Sleeping with another woman together with me, that is like the story before the relationship.

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9 hours ago, abitbroken said:

I this man told you he wasn't over his ex -- i would have made the first date your last and would have said "i get it, I had a good time but don't call me again. if someday in the future you are over your ex and also looking for a relationship, look me up".  But you were willing to take whatever he was dishing out.  Instead, he could have gone through and got whatever out of his system and if he was REALLY thinking about you, it would have took him some humility and effort to get in touch and start off with square one with you IF you were not dating anybody when he was ready or still found him appealing instead of you always being there strung along -- and then him suddenly having meaningless sex to make him realize he wants you.

you would have had dignity intact and would have known for sure.

BTW, he may still bail on you because he has the "i never really was single long enough to get over my ex and i just realized that" card

 

I would toss the fish back into the sea, IMHO.  you want a guy who is emotionally and physically available from the jump. 

Hey,

thanks a lot for your reply. What do you mean by "you would have known for sure"?

You definitely are right. Also in our relationship he dreams about his ex quite often and the hurt she brought to him. He still recovers from that and I think also right now, he would need to take time.

Yeah, after our first date, when we met again, he told me: Well things will never work out with her, but I just slept with my ex.

Plus: I think he found the thought of sleeping with others more appealing than sleeping with only me.

Is this something a person can forgive / forget? If you have any inspiration 🙂

After the ons he came up to me and told me: You are the woman of my dreams. The one I was searching. Would you maybe, still consider a relationship with me? In our relationship he always told me that never in his life, he's had such strong emotions for anyone like for me.

It's a bit difficult for me to organize sometimes..

 

 

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9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

The guy has gone beyond raising red flags to showing you a giant neon sign that says, "If you have ANY degree of self respect, ditch me and run."

What, exactly, are you trying to accomplish with this guy?

I ignored every red flag, even the neon sign.

But I can not change that. I respect every boundary ever since we are in a relationship. He respects me, definitely.

But: How do I forgive myself for not respecting myself back then? Is a break up the only way?

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19 minutes ago, laralu said:

You definitely are right. Also in our relationship he dreams about his ex quite often and the hurt she brought to him. He still recovers from that and I think also right now, he would need to take time

This is really not good. 

He should have recovered from that break-up a long time ago. 

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@MissCanucknot to reveal to much of his privatsphere but I think she was his first love. She was really abusive. She cheated on him, was cold. She did not tell him that she cheated, she just did it. She never showed him love in 4 years. She threw him out of her flat while he was drunk. He slept outside during snow nearly frozen. He loved her so he never said anything. Then she travelled and told him, she wants to sleep with other men now. He was allowed to sleep with others. He did not do it and told her he missed her. She said she was not. Then she returned from the travel and kept on sleeping with him. But dumped him before that and told him they were FWB now. He was still in love.

He told me he was broken when we met. And he did not want love anymore after that. 

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Whatever their history and dysfunction is irrelevant in the present. 

What is relevant is that he is not over her. When you're not over a past love, you cannot be fully emotionally-present in another relationship. 

Does he tell you when he dreams about her? Has he actually told you he's still recovering from her, or is that your perception of it?

 

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1 hour ago, laralu said:

I like your last sentence, thanks a lot. So I definitely feel like his priority, as he would definitely say no to these experiences like a threesome because of me. Also I am interested in females as well so he might even not be disrespectful. BUT I think his want for a threesome also expresses some desire to experience more. His not have to live that means I am his priority. So what weighs more? That's difficult.

Should I just be happy that I am his priority now - or would it be more mindful to pay attention to his willingness to approach such experiences?

Kind regards

If it's only "because of you" that could change.  For example if my husband before we were married said "I am seriously tempted to have sex with other women -I love variety -but because I love you I'm willing to be monogamous."  That wouldn't work for me at all because of the underlying desires and values.  On the other hand if he said "look I'm human- humans get tempted by others -that is why the wedding vows are what they are -because you promise even if you are tempted to remain faithful - so I can't promise I'd never find another woman attracted but I have no desire to have sex outside of our marriage because I believe in monogamy and marriage".  That's ok - that's human - have I ever found another man attractive since I met my husband?  Of course I'm not blind! Did I resist having sex outside the marriage because my husband is my priority and I'm doing it for him.  Nope.  I did it for me.  I believe in monogamy and marriage vows.  I do not desire to be with any other man sexually even if from time to time I notice an attractive looking man.  I am not doing that "for him" - if I were single and wanting to be with someone I'd follow up on those feelings of attraction.  Also I do not desire to have casual sex.  So that's also not "for him".  Is part of it "for him?"  I mean i guess technically - because if I weren't married I'd likely pursue dates.  So 'because of" the marriage I don't pursue dates.

Your boyfriend doesn't want to experience "more" - what's more about a threesome?  To me it would be less -it would be less to the extent of feeling inferior.  He doesn't want "more" he wants different.  You're not enough variety for him.  Because he likes variety of partners.  Right now he's giving that up "for you" but won't  you feel like you're auditioning to remain his priority -I mean what if you get a wee bit complacent -won't you worry that he will once again seek out variety?  How you going to keep him interested enough so he continues wanting to make this sacrifice for you??

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10 hours ago, laralu said:

Is it typical for rebounders to "play the field" and jump from woman to woman?

This shows how uncertain he is.. and to message his Ex,  informing her he's sleeping with other women- is an attempt to get her jealous- to react/respond etc. ( IF someone is not still into their ex, they would not be acting out like this).

 

10 hours ago, laralu said:

That was when he met me. And he slept with his ex one last time after our first kiss on a party. The first months we "dated" he called his ex, he sent her seductive messages and told her he sleeps with a new girl (me). (he only told me afterwards)

 

10 hours ago, laralu said:

When he was suddenly in love afterwards, I was surprised, so was he. He didn't want to be in love. He was still hurt. But his love grew so he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Right, still hurting. (as for it being 'love', I just can't see that )  😞   Could very well be 'lust'- there is s big difference.

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Being in love -having feelings of love - doesn't mean you ask someone to be your girlfriend when you know you'd be settling for monogamy.  Love is not enough for a healthy, stable relationship or even to decide to be in a relationship.  It's both a heart and head decision.

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On 1/7/2021 at 8:15 AM, laralu said:

But: How do I forgive myself for not respecting myself back then? Is a break up the only way?

Wul, yeah. It's not about forgiveness, work on that later--it's about getting yourself out of harm's way.

It's one thing to recognize a lousy choice that you made 'back then,' but it's another to notice that it has not led you anywhere beneficial TODAY. 

So? I'd correct that now, and then I can thank myself later.

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