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Bf fell in love with me after he played the field


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Hey guys,

I'm in a relationship since 2 years now, but I still linger on the past now and then, so that's why I try to gain new perspectives.

I met my Bf who was really hurt from his relationship with his ex gf. They'd been together for 4 years, she cheated on him, then broke up with him. He still coontinued to sleep with her up to the day we met (their break up was 1 year before that). He was really upfront and told me that he'd never love again, never depend on any woman again. He wanted to take things slow, then after 5 months he got scared and told me "I don't want anything more to develop between you and me" so we stopped sleeping with each other shortly after that. He wanted to keep things casual. He was scared and wanted to play the field.

So one week after that he had a one night stand after a party, he thought that was the dream life. It was not because he felt lonesome after the no-strings-attached sex with her. At that point he thought that the two of us would never ever develop a relationship (bc he wanted to sleep with any women and because he was afraid of hurting). A short time after that he could not stop thinking of me, was afraid still, but after a month of thinking he came up to me. He told me I was the one he was searching for, everything that he was searching for. He was really in love then.

I was still hurt. Though I knew it was my responsibility, too.

I was asking myself: In case a guy wants only sex in a certain phase of life. Is it automatically that he wants "just fun" with many women? Why not one woman at a time?

And: He knew me like , for 5 months, still thought that random sexual adventures were better than our sex / romantic connection.

Should I take this personal?

Much thanks for your reading and hope you are all well!

(sorry for my english, I'm from France)

Lara

 

 

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Can I ask how old you two are? Sometimes it can help with context.

All in all, do you feel confident, right now, that he loves you and is committed to you? Has he given you any reason over, say, the past year to doubt his feelings or commitment? I ask that because sometimes when we ruminate on the past it's because we're unsettled by something in the present—maybe something in our relationship, maybe something else. 

I wouldn't take anything personally, in terms of his past behavior. It says much more about him, his emotional state at the time, his maturity level, along with how he handles difficult emotions. Whether he is someone you can feel genuinely safe and secure with is the more pressing question, as it always is in a relationship. 

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Posted (edited)

That's really beautiful, thanks @bluecastle

Actually it was just something he said, a few months ago, that it's important to him that we can play the field together in the future.

Something inside of me was like... again?

So you might be right, and I should maybe pay more attention to my feelings of unsteadyness right now. But, I also think that I would take things way easier in the present, without this past.

I think I wish to be lighter and easier in the present, that's why I return to the past to "make it better".

Thanks for your kind words!

ah, and we are 23, when we met we were 21.

Edited by laralu
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1 minute ago, laralu said:

Actually it was just something he said, a few months ago, that it's important to him that we can play the field together in the future.

I can only speak for myself, but if my girlfriend said something like this to me I'd lose a lot of confidence in our relationship, and maybe, for a moment, in myself. Did you ask him what he meant, exactly? Does he not want to be in a monogamous relationship with you? 

I don't personally think there is any "right" way to form a relationship, save for a way that both people agree with and that brings a sense of joy and security to both people. Could it be that you're not sure if you two are viewing things the same? If so, I hope you're able to talk to him about that. 

I'm with you about being light in the present. But that's very different than pretending to be "cool" with a present that we're not actually cool with, you know? 

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Posted (edited)

I think he didn't have much experience with women before we met. Right now I think we are on the same page, but maybe that's exactly my old fears that come up now: That - again - we are not on the same page.

What he meant was, that as long as we're together he won't want to sleep with other women. But a threesome is something he wouldn't reject, he actually wants to live it, but doesn't have to. I think that's what he wishes for when he says, we can play the field together. It would also not break monogamy for him and wouldn't count as wanting to sleep with other women.

And thanks a lot for your last sentence. I have to stay with my feelings and not pretend to be cooler than I am. I don't want a 3some with this past, and I'm not quite sure whether I would want one without now.

Edited by laralu
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I commend him for being honest with you.  What you see is what you get.  In the future -that could mean next week or next year or after you have your first child - he will want you to be up for both of you having the option to have sex with other people -intercourse, blow jobs, you name it.  He enjoys it and he wants to be with someone who enjoys it too. But you don't right?  You want someone who wants to be with you and only you. You want someone to hold you and you won't smell another woman on him or think you do.  You want to be with someone where it would never occur to you to look at his phone to see if yet another cute girl has texted him some racy photo.  

I kind of agree with BC that the right way to form a relationship involves two people who agree and are on the same wavelength about boundaries.  But at some point is it a relationship in any real sense if he can go out when he wants and get some hot chick to hook up with.  When my son was 3 he was getting over a stomach virus when I caught it.  My husband was not going to be back from his trip for 24 hours.  I had to make my son food when I felt like crap, my son was done throwing up but wasn't well.  So imagine -you're home with a sick 3 year old, you're sick and ...... your husband isn't home cause he had sex with some woman he's been hooking up with at the office, drank too much and slept over at her place so he wouldn't drive drunk.  Imagine knowing that while you're in and out of the bathroom and terrified that you'll fall asleep from exhaustion while your son is awake.  That could be your reality.  Mine was that my husband couldn't get back to us any sooner or have to pay close to $2,000 to change his flight.  Not because he was out drinking and hooking up and living the dream of multiple partners.

Please don't be the "cool girl" -be the honest person who knows her mind and heart.  Lose this loser.  He's already telling you who he is and he knows you're not about that.  At least he's not leading you on.

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5 minutes ago, laralu said:

I think he didn't have much experience with women before we met. Right now I think we are on the same page, but maybe that's exactly my old fears that come up now: That - again - we are not on the same page.

What he meant was, that as long as we're together he won't want to sleep with other women. But a threesome is something he wouldn't reject, he actually wants to live it, but doesn't have to. I think that's what he wishes for when he says, we can play the field together. It would also not break monogamy for him and wouldn't count as wanting to sleep with other women.

And thanks a lot for your last sentence. I have to stay with my feelings and not pretend to be cooler than I am. I don't want a 3some with this past, and I'm not quite sure whether I would want one without now.

Oh please.  He can have any label he wants  People who have polygamous or open arrangements are both cool with it -and more than cool -they want it- people who are ambivalent about threesomes don't bring it up to their new girlfriend or boyfriend - because why would they risk giving the impression that it's a goal of theirs if it could offend the person they are with.  Who cares if it would not break monogamy for him or if he will choose to lie to himself and tell himself it doesn't count as sleeping with other women.  It's like when I tell myself it doesn't count if I finish the ice cream left in the carton because you know -I'm just scraping it clean. I didn't really eat ice cream right??  

He wishes you would want to have intercourse with another man or woman while he watches and then you get to watch him have sex with someone else.  Fun right? You don't have to "stay with your feelings" -it's far simpler than that.  You want a typical committed relationship.  He does not.  

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I'm not clear on the timeline. You've been dating this person for two years and in the first five months he told you he didn't want a committed relationship yet you both continued sleeping with each other? 

I think you should get tested for STIs and start rethinking why this seemed ok at all for this long (two years). Were you also seeing other people? 

There is nothing wrong with 'playing the field' but I think you have to make up your mind what you want out of this relationship or situation. 

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1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

If my bf said that to me, that would be a dealbreaker. He's telling you at any moment, it's possible he wants to sleep with others and you are MS. right for now.

Why do you think that, could you maybe explain shortly? Have a great thanks 🙂

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Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm not clear on the timeline. You've been dating this person for two years and in the first five months he told you he didn't want a committed relationship yet you both continued sleeping with each other? 

I think you should get tested for STIs and start rethinking why this seemed ok at all for this long (two years). Were you also seeing other people? 

There is nothing wrong with 'playing the field' but I think you have to make up your mind what you want out of this relationship or situation. 

Exactly that was the case.

After he told me after our first kiss, that he had slept with his ex again, I kissed another guy at a party. And, I had a date. But: I was telling the guy I dated, that I'm seeing someone else, so I don't want more here.

Edited by laralu
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1 minute ago, laralu said:

Exactly that was the case.

After he told me after our first kiss, that he had slept with his ex again, I kissed another guy at a party. And, I had a date. But: I was telling the guy I dated, that I'm seeing someone else, so I don't want more here.

Ok. So this is where the rubber hits the road. You'll have to sit yourself down, ask yourself what you want out of this situation and whether you can tolerate the past or his waffling back and forth. It's a personal decision and he was honest with you from the start. It was full disclosure. 

You just have to decide if you trust him going forward or if you think that his track history of past decisions is something you want to fully invest in. 

This person would be a turn off or the passion would have faded for me if he did the switch mid-way after something casual. You both had a good thing going with sex and physical intimacy and now he's got feelings. You get to choose what works best for you. 

Take care of your health though. Use protection always or make sure both of you get tested. 

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Ah, sorry again I am french and don't understand everything so good :D @Rose Mosse

Could you please explain your sentence again: This person would be a turn off or the passion would have faded for me if he did the switch mid-way after something casual. You both had a good thing going with sex and physical intimacy and now he's got feelings. You get to choose what works best for you.

Thanks a lot, and I will take care of my health.

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I meant it was a good set up what you both had or it appears to be. Unless you want to be in a relationship with this person, those deeper feelings might not work for you. Do you want a relationship with him or are you happy with the way things were?

I don't think there's anything to take personally except his feelings. It's probably not a good idea to keep sleeping with someone casually if they want something more out of you (that you can't give).

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Actually I was happy with that, because for me it was the same. At first it was casual, then I fell in love. He slept with another woman, then he fell in love. That was the confusing part - but I guess I won't take it personally then. It was more about his visions in life. And if that was women (plural!) then I have to accept it.

But the thing is - now I wish to be his priority. Not sexual adventures. Because then making a commitment, after our beginning story, would be totally meaningless and it would be better for him not to have done it..

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Both of you can decide to see each other casually but keep it exclusive (just between the both of you, no other partners). Do you not feel like a priority now? 

You'll have to speak with him about that on whether it's that or something more that you both want. 

 

 

 

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Can I ask again how old you guys are? No worries if you prefer not to say. I'm just curious. 

The impression I'm getting is that you both want something pretty simple, if not quite in line. You want to be in a committed, monogamous relationship with him, him only, and you'd like the safety that comes from believing he wants the same thing. He, meanwhile, wants to be in a relationship with you that eventually incorporates threesomes and allows him to continue to scratch some itch for sexual variety, exploration. No need to overthink all that, and certainly no need to make it a verdict on yourself, but just to be honest if that's a gap that can be bridged. 

Like Rose, I'm curious to know if you feel, right now, like a priority in his life? What each of us need to feel like that is different, from it's certainly a critical ingredient to harmony and not one to skimp on. 

 

 

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If you decide to remain dating this man, you need to realize that he has a lot of baggage he is bringing into the situation, he is also careless when it comes to being promiscuous and I highly doubt that's going to change anytime soon.

He may stop the one nighters momentarily while he thinks he's "in love" but if he enjoys that, he will more than likely go back to it at some point.

The chances of you being cheated on is higher than most relationships and you need to be aware of that.

Should you take it personally that he fooled around even though he had met you? It's up to you, your feelings are valid if you do feel that way. I think many women would.

Tread carefully on the decisions you make here. He doesn't sound like the best choice for a partner or the most stable.

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3 hours ago, laralu said:

I met my Bf who was really hurt from his relationship with his ex gf. They'd been together for 4 years, she cheated on him, then broke up with him. He still coontinued to sleep with her up to the day we met (their break up was 1 year before that). He was really upfront and told me that he'd never love again, never depend on any woman again. He wanted to take things slow, then after 5 months he got scared and told me "I don't want anything more to develop between you and me" so we stopped sleeping with each other shortly after that. He wanted to keep things casual. He was scared and wanted to play the field.

So one week after that he had a one night stand after a party, he thought that was the dream life. It was not because he felt lonesome after the no-strings-attached sex with her.

This is ALL very concerning to me. :/ 

By sounds of it, he rebounded onto you- while still dealing with an ex he realized he had lost. ( awful behaviour) 😞

They broke up but still slept together?  Ohh boy.  But stopped when he met you?  Are you sure? . . .

He told you he could never love again- but you took him on.

After 5 months, he pulled away, saying he did not want anything to develop between you two. (HE was scared & wanted to play the field.. ohh of course).

He 'felt lonesome'.  Yeah, well sorry, but this is on him.

And now he's coming back around your way... None of this sounds good- for YOUR mental health.  I would not go back to that!  He's all over the place. do you not agree?  ( very unsettled).

I say HE needs a good year or more on his own.  He needs to accept & heal from his past gf.  You cannot do that if you are swinging away from one woman to another!.  he has take NO time to work on what has happened with her yet... sounds like he is trying to push all of that down, out of the way- but it will re surface!

 

If you ask me, I say this is selfish behaviour and I would not take someone like this back UNTIL I know they are really okay again and have their head on straight.

I;ve experiences rebounders- they always end badly & as fast as they started.

So, this is all up to you.. but I say walk away from this.  Is not what YOU need.  But, is up to you.

 

Good luck & tread carefully.

 

Edited by SooSad33
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6 hours ago, laralu said:

 it was just something he said, a few months ago, that it's important to him that we can play the field together in the future.

 we are 23, when we met we were 21.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he seems to want to be a playboy.

If this hurts you, it may be best to stop seeing him.

Follow your own heart and mind. If having an open relationship is not for you, being with a player will be a lot of headaches and heartaches.

You can easily find men who want a one-on-one relationship.

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12 hours ago, laralu said:

But a threesome is something he wouldn't reject, he actually wants to live it, but doesn't have to. I think that's what he wishes for when he says, we can play the field together. It would also not break monogamy for him and wouldn't count as wanting to sleep with other women.

Does it matter what it "counts" as to him? 

What matters is how that makes you feel. It's ok to be uncomfortable with this and not agree to it. I think it's ultimately a fairly simple (but painful) issue: he likes you and the relationship, but he's not ready to be committed and sexually monogamous long-term. He's not done exploring other women, which makes sense at 23 but is not conducive to the sort of relationship you want. 

Only you can decide if that's something you're okay with. Unless you are naturally non-monogamous, this is going to be a very difficult road to navigate. 

 

Edited by MissCanuck
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16 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

This is ALL very concerning to me. 😕

By sounds of it, he rebounded onto you- while still dealing with an ex he realized he had lost. ( awful behaviour) 😞

They broke up but still slept together?  Ohh boy.  But stopped when he met you?  Are you sure? . . .

He told you he could never love again- but you took him on.

After 5 months, he pulled away, saying he did not want anything to develop between you two. (HE was scared & wanted to play the field.. ohh of course).

He 'felt lonesome'.  Yeah, well sorry, but this is on him.

And now he's coming back around your way... None of this sounds good- for YOUR mental health.  I would not go back to that!  He's all over the place. do you not agree?  ( very unsettled).

I say HE needs a good year or more on his own.  He needs to accept & heal from his past gf.  You cannot do that if you are swinging away from one woman to another!.  he has take NO time to work on what has happened with her yet... sounds like he is trying to push all of that down, out of the way- but it will re surface!

 

If you ask me, I say this is selfish behaviour and I would not take someone like this back UNTIL I know they are really okay again and have their head on straight.

I;ve experiences rebounders- they always end badly & as fast as they started.

So, this is all up to you.. but I say walk away from this.  Is not what YOU need.  But, is up to you.

 

Good luck & tread carefully.

 

I agree with this^^^. Some one, anyone, including him can say I love you, but not truly mean it in the sense of total commitment.

And you are only going by what he tells you...what is the truth and what he says could very well be two different things.

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I this man told you he wasn't over his ex -- i would have made the first date your last and would have said "i get it, I had a good time but don't call me again. if someday in the future you are over your ex and also looking for a relationship, look me up".  But you were willing to take whatever he was dishing out.  Instead, he could have gone through and got whatever out of his system and if he was REALLY thinking about you, it would have took him some humility and effort to get in touch and start off with square one with you IF you were not dating anybody when he was ready or still found him appealing instead of you always being there strung along -- and then him suddenly having meaningless sex to make him realize he wants you.

you would have had dignity intact and would have known for sure.

BTW, he may still bail on you because he has the "i never really was single long enough to get over my ex and i just realized that" card

 

I would toss the fish back into the sea, IMHO.  you want a guy who is emotionally and physically available from the jump. 

Edited by abitbroken
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The guy has gone beyond raising red flags to showing you a giant neon sign that says, "If you have ANY degree of self respect, ditch me and run."

What, exactly, are you trying to accomplish with this guy?

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