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Girl I was dating went back to abusive ex


Jam19

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So I was dating a girl for about 2 months. It got very intense and felt very easy and genuine. I took her on her first ever date - I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

I ended up staying with her for over 10 days ( 3 days on etc) without feeling at all awkward on both our parts. It was a genuine connection or I wouldn’t have stayed. She opened up about her abusive ex and how because of him she has complex PTSD and tried to commit suicide not so long ago.

she is 26 he is 4 years younger they went out for 4 years. 
 

when I stayed with her I saw him messaging her and calling her, I asked her why she don’t block him. It’s like literal harrassment. She said she’s scared she’ll come outside as she’s done so before and caused a scene. ( I didn’t wanna get into it - it’s too early ) 

they broke up 6 months ago.

one day she said she was overwhelmed by whatever this was and she’ll be ‘gone gone gone’ if it continues and she needed space. 
 

Couple days after she said she was speaking to her ex and said she still has feelings for him and it wasn’t fair on me to continue. She even said she needed to be alone and not see anyone. Which I know is the right thing.

She said HE wanted to speak to me ( I said ok - I wanted to understand what kinda person this was ) wow.

a week went by he called me - he was mental like sick in the head. He made fake social media accounts pretending to be her. He called me everyday for 3 weeks. He pretended to be her saying ‘I’m scared of my ex’. They must’ve met up as one day at 8am he tried to call me on Instagram video call from her account. 
 

I’m blocked by her on everything. But he kept calling on private and different numbers. 
 

I’m not asking to be with the girl I know she needs to heal and be alone but her welfare is important.

I messaged her sister who I met once just telling her the situation and to look out for her sister as I felt someone needed to know as she’s completely isolated from everyone. 
 

ive left it now and I hope she figures it out one day herself..as it’s not my battle to fight.

why would you go back to someone that has made you have complex ptsd n try commit suicide? Sad story.

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I'm sorry this happened.  Many choose the devil they know - she is a person who is mentally unstable returning to an unstable relationship.  Unfortunately that can happen.  I wouldn't speculate on the why -could be a million reasons.  Also ask yourself why you wanted to date someone who revealed such profound issues so early on and why you were into this speedy insta-relationship.  

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Its really hard, almost impossible to try to figure out why people do the things they do. There are an endless number of complicated reasons and simple ones, like maybe they are both sick.

The most important thing is you save yourself. As you have here. Start blocking contact from her accounts and numbers and the ones he contacted you. Run away from this situation. You will always be the third person in their coupledom, if you leave any doors open.

They probably will break up again and again and she'll look for you. Do not let this happen. You will waste your life trying to help a situation, that you cannot fix. 

Sorry you were disappointed. It stinks, but you're better off. Its the only way to look at it.  honestly. 

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16 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Its really hard, almost impossible to try to figure out why people do the things they do. There are an endless number of complicated reasons and simple ones, like maybe they are both sick.

The most important thing is you save yourself. As you have here. Start blocking contact from her accounts and numbers and the ones he contacted you. Run away from this situation. You will always be the third person in their coupledom, if you leave any doors open.

They probably will break up again and again and she'll look for you. Do not let this happen. You will waste your life trying to help a situation, that you cannot fix. 

Sorry you were disappointed. It stinks, but you're better off. Its the only way to look at it.  honestly. 

Thanks lambert - appreciate it 

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18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry this happened.  Many choose the devil they know - she is a person who is mentally unstable returning to an unstable relationship.  Unfortunately that can happen.  I wouldn't speculate on the why -could be a million reasons.  Also ask yourself why you wanted to date someone who revealed such profound issues so early on and why you were into this speedy insta-relationship.  

I was weary. I’ve dated and met many people in my life but there was a different kind of connection from when we first met. What’s done is done I appreciate your feedback 

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Sorry about this. 

Sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders, one that's acting right now to protect your heart. As others have said, that's the thing to focus on right now, to keep cultivating, not wondering what her motivations are. Most all of us know what it is to have a bad habit—something we know is bad for our health (smoking, say) but it gets into our bloodstream in a way that makes quitting tough. Toxic relationships are a bit like that, and she's got some work to do on the untangling front. Her path to walk, not yours to get stuck in. 

 

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4 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about this. 

Sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders, one that's acting right now to protect your heart. As others have said, that's the thing to focus on right now, to keep cultivating, not wondering what her motivations are. Most all of us know what it is to have a bad habit—something we know is bad for our health (smoking, say) but it gets into our bloodstream in a way that makes quitting tough. Toxic relationships are a bit like that, and she's got some work to do on the untangling front. Her path to walk, not yours to get stuck in. 

 

Brilliantly said - thanks bluecastle for the words of wisdom.

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53 minutes ago, Jam19 said:

I was weary. I’ve dated and met many people in my life but there was a different kind of connection from when we first met. What’s done is done I appreciate your feedback 

Well I guess both weary and wary right? I would not put too much focus on the kind of "connection" you have with a stranger.  Enjoy it - enjoy the light and fluffy infatuation and know that it takes knowing someone over a lengthy period of time -at least several months -before you know whether there is potential for the long term based on more than an instant "connection"

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My ex went back to the woman who cheated on him with his friend and burned his house down. He also kept seeing a previous ex who also cheated on him with another friend and tried to burn his house down. He hit both of them and destroyed their personal property. They are still together as far as I know.

My ex is addicted to the extreme highs and lows of a drama relationship. He found me boring because I never did any of those things. He told me I must not really love him since I didn't do anything like that.

Please, for your own sanity, stay away. Change your number if you have to. And don't get pulled into an insta relationship ever again. Those are never real.

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1 hour ago, Jam19 said:

why would you go back to someone that has made you have complex ptsd n try commit suicide?

The unhinged and unstable of this world tend to do things like that, go back to the "fix" no matter how abusive.

The mentally unstable are (odd as it may sound) uncannily good at quickly establishing what seems like an amazing connection. 

You are lucky she's gone. 

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not put too much focus on the kind of "connection" you have with a stranger. 

I was going to make a similar point. 

Speaking in some broad brushstrokes—painted from personal experience and plenty of observation—I think there is sometimes a correlation between the "intensity" of a connection and the emotional vulnerability of one or both parties. Put more clearly? There's a chance that what you found so compelling about her—being super into you quickly, stirring in confessions about an orbiting abusive ex between orgasmic collisions, and so on—was in fact a lot of what made the connection untenable, and at least part of the answer to your question about why she pinballed back to him.  

I can connect very quickly and very intensely with an active volcano, you know? Doesn't mean it's a particularly profound connection, in the big picture of my life. Just very hot, until the lava comes, at which point it's just hot in all the wrong ways. 

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You ask why?  We all wonder that when we see things like this.  The woman on TV that called 911 because her bf has beaten her to a pulp but when the police show up and arrest him she starts beating on the cops and telling them she loves him.   For those of us that would never tolerate one ounce of this type of behavior it is so alien to us we cannot even begin to comprehend the why.   

You did exactly the right thing and you should be applauded for your calm actions. 

Put as much distance between you and them both and if she comes around in a few months wanting to try again you should take a pass.  Sucks but that is just the smart thing to do.  She has family she can turn to if she really wants out.

Lost 

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1 hour ago, Jam19 said:

he was mental like sick in the head. He made fake social media accounts pretending to be her. He called me everyday for 3 weeks. He pretended to be her saying ‘I’m scared of my ex’. They must’ve met up as one day at 8am he tried to call me on Instagram video call from her account. 

That makes two of them. Birds of a feather and all that. 

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2 hours ago, Jam19 said:

She opened up about her abusive ex and how because of him she has complex PTSD and tried to commit suicide not so long ago.

He called me everyday for 3 weeks. He pretended to be her saying ‘I’m scared of my ex’. They must’ve met up as one day at 8am he tried to call me on Instagram video call from her account. 

Sorry this happened. She in no position to date.  Is he still harassing you?  If so, get a restraining order. Usually these type of abusers kill their GFs And whoever they are with. 

There's plenty she could have done herself such as call the police, get a restraining order, etc.  Stay out of it.

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6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. She in no position to date.  Is he still harassing you?  If so, get a restraining order. Usually these type of abusers kill their GFs And whoever they are with. 

There's plenty she could have done herself such as call the police, get a restraining order, etc.  Stay out of it.

He called me on Christmas Day even up until New Years. I blocked the latest number he tried to call of. It’s been a few days I haven’t heard nothing. 
 

he sent me a picture of a gun via social media which I screenshot and laughed at. I don’t want her to feel the wrath of it all so I’m just staying out of it 

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If she is talking about him on your dates and allowing him to contact her, she was clearly not over him.   This should have been a huge red flag.  Plus she is discussing this: "She opened up about her abusive ex and how because of him she has complex PTSD and tried to commit suicide not so long ago."   Too much too soon.   She was using you as her therapist.   The woman was not in a healthy pace.  You should not have been surprised.   

"I ended up staying with her for over 10 days ( 3 days on etc)"   This is not normal, either.

Choose more wisely.   Are you usually attracted to this type of dynamic?   Do you try to rescue women?

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3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

If she is talking about him on your dates and allowing him to contact her, she was clearly not over him.   This should have been a huge red flag.  Plus she is discussing this: "She opened up about her abusive ex and how because of him she has complex PTSD and tried to commit suicide not so long ago."   Too much too soon.   She was using her as her therapist.   The woman was not in a healthy pace.  You should not have been surprised.   

"I ended up staying with her for over 10 days ( 3 days on etc)"   This is not normal, either.

Choose more wisely.   Are you usually attracted to this type of dynamic?   Do you try to rescue women?

Nope..never dated anyone like this in my life. I don’t want drama and there wasn’t any before. 

she said she called the police and they wasn’t very helpful about the situation at all. Maybe I should’ve asked more questions but tbh I thought it’s too early for me to get deep about sensitive things like that and bring up trauma.

She found it hard to open up, she said it multiple times it’s the most shes opened up. I could see it wasn’t easy.

i know staying with someone for 3 nights in a row so early is not normal, let alone multiple times. In fact I would expect a million things to put each other off during that time so early on, as you don’t know each other. She openly said why does it feel so comfortable it’s like I know you for ages on the first time we met, I felt that too. I wouldn’t have stayed if there even was one bit of awkwardness that came about. 

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18 minutes ago, Jam19 said:

Nope..never dated anyone like this in my life. I don’t want drama and there wasn’t any before. 

she said she called the police and they wasn’t very helpful about the situation at all. Maybe I should’ve asked more questions but tbh I thought it’s too early for me to get deep about sensitive things like that and bring up trauma.

She found it hard to open up, she said it multiple times it’s the most shes opened up. I could see it wasn’t easy.

i know staying with someone for 3 nights in a row so early is not normal, let alone multiple times. In fact I would expect a million things to put each other off during that time so early on, as you don’t know each other. She openly said why does it feel so comfortable it’s like I know you for ages on the first time we met, I felt that too. I wouldn’t have stayed if there even was one bit of awkwardness that came about. 

Talking about an ex is a huge red flag.

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15 minutes ago, Jam19 said:

She found it hard to open up, she said it multiple times it’s the most shes opened up.

Except she didn't find it hard at all to open up.

She met you, spent days on end with you, and within seconds you knew all about her past, the texts coming in, and so on. Peppering in some statements about how "hard" this is, along with salt shakes of "I feel I've known you for ages," is really just the seasoning on the meat of emotional instability. Or, in a word, drama. 

I imagine you feel for her, understandably. I don't know her and I feel for her. Tough cards she's playing, for the moment. Have some faith that she'll find her way, as you keep walking your path. 

 

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29 minutes ago, Jam19 said:

Nope..never dated anyone like this in my life. I don’t want drama and there wasn’t any before. 

she said she called the police and they wasn’t very helpful about the situation at all. Maybe I should’ve asked more questions but tbh I thought it’s too early for me to get deep about sensitive things like that and bring up trauma.

She found it hard to open up, she said it multiple times it’s the most shes opened up. I could see it wasn’t easy.

i know staying with someone for 3 nights in a row so early is not normal, let alone multiple times. In fact I would expect a million things to put each other off during that time so early on, as you don’t know each other. She openly said why does it feel so comfortable it’s like I know you for ages on the first time we met, I felt that too. I wouldn’t have stayed if there even was one bit of awkwardness that came about. 

You stayed because you wanted to even though it's risky to do the insta relationship thing especially with someone who is not stable and tells you so.  many people feel like they've known each other forever.  but reacting to that feeling by doing the speed of light insta relationship thing is not a healthy reaction.  Were you perhaps drawn to her damsel in distress situation?

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On 1/4/2021 at 4:43 PM, lostandhurt said:

You ask why?  We all wonder that when we see things like this.  The woman on TV that called 911 because her bf has beaten her to a pulp but when the police show up and arrest him she starts beating on the cops and telling them she loves him.   For those of us that would never tolerate one ounce of this type of behavior it is so alien to us we cannot even begin to comprehend the why.   

You did exactly the right thing and you should be applauded for your calm actions. 

Put as much distance between you and them both and if she comes around in a few months wanting to try again you should take a pass.  Sucks but that is just the smart thing to do.  She has family she can turn to if she really wants out.

Lost 

Thanks lost...for your words 

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I think you really need to stay away from this girl and her ex. Even if she contacts you, don't reply. Block her on everything too and the ex on all the fake accounts. I think you need to stay away from this girl because the ex is a psycho and stalker but she keeps going back to him. That actually means that she's mentally unstable too. You need to be very careful.

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On 1/6/2021 at 5:37 AM, Tinydance said:

I think you really need to stay away from this girl and her ex. Even if she contacts you, don't reply. Block her on everything too and the ex on all the fake accounts. I think you need to stay away from this girl because the ex is a psycho and stalker but she keeps going back to him. That actually means that she's mentally unstable too. You need to be very careful.

Thanks, You’re right..it’s an unhealthy situation to be in. 

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1 minute ago, Jam19 said:

Thanks, You’re right..it’s an unhealthy situation to be in. 

 

On 1/6/2021 at 5:37 AM, Tinydance said:

I think you really need to stay away from this girl and her ex. Even if she contacts you, don't reply. Block her on everything too and the ex on all the fake accounts. I think you need to stay away from this girl because the ex is a psycho and stalker but she keeps going back to him. That actually means that she's mentally unstable too. You need to be very careful.

Do you think severe emotional abuse can cause mental instability 

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