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I proposed, she said yes, then slowly drifted away....


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Last February I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She made it very well known that she wanted to get married. My proposal wasn’t a surprise to her, and she said yes. I was elated. She seemed excited, however it was only over the ring I bought her. She slowly starting drifting away from me. She blamed it on covid-19 and her perceived end of the world. On average we started seeing eachother once a week for less than an hour. I had communicated that this wasn’t enough time for me and she always had an excuse. She then started making more plans with me and flaking more and more. I asked her if it was the idea of marriage that scared her away. Again, she convinced me that she wanted to get married, but she was just having a hard time with other things. I told her that is was concerning that she didn’t want to get closer to me in hard times, but also didn’t want to smother her. I let things go for a few more months until my birthday rolled around. She had completely forgotten it. I told her about my birthday one day before the day. I mentioned that I didn’t need her to buy me anything, but make a card and spend time with me. She agreed and flaked yet again. I wanted to end things, but I was so confused. What was happening? Whats going on? I never did find out. We spent a few more months barely being a couple and it was miserable. On Christmas she was supposed to watch my cat so I could go see my grandmother. Again, she flaked and when Christmas Day came, she flaked again. Lol. Typing all of this out makes me look like a real idiot. Why would I ever put up with this stuff? It’s because we were so in love and so wonderful together for the longest time. She changed, and it was hard for me to understand why. Imagine someone you love and have a wonderful relationship with. Now imagine if they just slowly changed who they are over the course of 10 months. It would be hard to just say goodbye. I kept holding on to hope. Now its been about 10 days that we haven’t spoke. She told me that she just can’t be the person I need her to be in life....Like a fiancé?? Lol. I don’t get it. I’m so hurt, and frustrated and alone. I don’t have any friends that have free to spend with. I don’t have any other women in my life to take my mind off of her. I miss her but I know I shouldn’t. I want to call her up sometimes just to reconnect or hope that she apologizes for everything and miraculously changes back to the woman I fell in love with. All of which are just desires and not something I think has any real value. I’m lost and hurt. 

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That is such a wretchedly awful way to end a relationship, death by attrition. My last serious partner did that to me and it took a really long time to heal from that. But this is part of their personalities, too cowardly to have serious conversations in a timely manner. Makes both of them less attractive when you really see that. You’ve lost a coward who turns away in tough times

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I'm sorry, OP. 

It sounds like she idea of a ring and a wedding more than the reality of being married. Going off the radar without so much as a conversation after 5 years together is awful, and frankly, quite strange. Or did you in fact have that final conversation? (when she told you she can't be the person you need her to be) How did you leave things? 

Also, what were her excuses when she kept flaking, especially on Christmas Day? 

Do you suspect she might have met someone else? 

 

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I'm so sorry. You are not an idiot. It sounds like she has changed but hasn't had the courage to be upfront with you. 

Use the time now and the space to rethink the relationship. Don't reach out to her. Look within and dig deep. What you want may no longer exist and it's up to you to find peace to close this chapter. 

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14 hours ago, GatCat said:

I don’t have any other women in my life to take my mind off of her. I miss her but I know I shouldn’t. I want to call her up sometimes just to reconnect or hope that she apologizes for everything and miraculously changes back to the woman I fell in love with

Why do you feel you should find 'another woman' to take your mind off her??  You just bought her an engagement ring! ( that'd be a rebound i'm pretty sure and that is not fair!).

You miss her, of course!  You were together & talking marriage?

Sorry that she's been going distant with you- Yes it does hurt :(.  BUT you have to either give this all some time, be patient to see IF she comes back your way again.. OR, take some serious down time and focus just on YOU .

There is no reason to go off running to other women at this time.. You KNOW you are far from over her.

Takes time- if this is really done.  Spend time to work on getting yourself back to good.  Work on accepting if things are over with you two.. and healing.

Get lost in your tunes.. work on a hobby..gaming..movies, etc.  

I have been on my own for over 1.5 yrs and I am fine.  I do not NEED somebody to 'make me feel better'.

So, calm down a bit and focus on yourself for a while.. You be NO good moving onto someone new for a good while yet.. and is totally unfair that you be using someone to try & get over her.  Just don't.

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