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Why has he stopped messaging me so much?


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Hi everyone,

I've been dating this guy for about six months and we've been meeting up on and off due to the covid rules changing so much where we live.

We're currently unable to see each other for god knows how long due to the rules and I'm really struggling. I'm not sure how we're going to make it work, I'm worried we won't make it work.

We both really like each other, like a lot, and I bought my worries up to him the other day. He said that he's not going anywhere and I don't need to worry. I then apologised for being so emotional about it and he said he wanted me to be able to speak to him about that kind of thing. So all in all a very positive conversation...

Since then (and maybe even a bit before that conversation) he's been replying a lot less, even on weekends when I know he's not busy and when he usually messages me a lot. By a lot less I mean before he would reply every few hours and now he won't reply for at least 10-12 hours. I feel like we're not having any proper conversation and I'm feeling quite detached from him. It's just repeated how are you and how was your day. Then the same again the next day.

Before anyone says he may be busy, I know he's not busy because he literally tells me he's done nothing all weekend. He would usually tell me if he were busy.

I don't mind not speaking 24/7 and we never have, when we're both working we can go a couple of days without speaking absolutely fine. But it's the sudden change that has worried me so much. And the fact that if we now cannot see each other for awhile, is this all the contact we're going to have? If so, I don't think I can cope with that. It almost feels like I'm not even dating anyone.

I can't help but feel that he's going to break things off or if not, I feel I should break it off with him because he's not as interested as I first thought. 

It also worries me that this has come just as we discuss that we can't see each other for a long time as well.

I would just like some other opinions on this, thank you.

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2 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:

Maybe i missed something, but at 6 months, why not spend time with each other at each others houses during these lockdowns? 

Depending on their jobs, this might not be a good idea.

I got Covid from someone in my household.  Their girlfriend, who visited occasionally, also was exposed and she lives with older family members, so they also were exposed.  It's risky.

So, OP, you are now sure this is the guy for you?  Your previous thread cast doubts about whether or not you're really all that into him.  I would conclude since you're missing him that means you are actually into him.

Could it be possible he senses you've been iffy about him?

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29 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:

Maybe i missed something, but at 6 months, why not spend time with each other at each others houses during these lockdowns? 

Sorry I should have said we're both 21 and live at home with our parents.

We both feel it would be rude to our parents to break the rules to be in their houses and my mum is also high risk and shielding so my house is definitely out of the question.

Other than that we're just trying to follow the rules like everyone else!

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26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Depending on their jobs, this might not be a good idea.

I got Covid from someone in my household.  Their girlfriend, who visited occasionally, also was exposed and she lives with older family members, so they also were exposed.  It's risky.

So, OP, you are now sure this is the guy for you?  Your previous thread cast doubts about whether or not you're really all that into him.  I would conclude since you're missing him that means you are actually into him.

Could it be possible he senses you've been iffy about him?

Hi, it's actually nice to see a reply from you again 😊

I think my reaction to this means I really do like him a lot more than I thought🙈😂 Of course I do still worry about my feelings towards him but I took all of your advice and I'm sticking with it. As I said, when I have these thoughts of do I really like him I just breathe and try to appreciate my time with him. I think this has made me realise I really do love being around him.

I did think that too you know, maybe he's been getting the feeling that I'm distracted when I'm with him, because truthfully I have been.

I'm just not sure at all and I hate how anxious this whole relationship has made me  (mainly due to influences outside of it, not due to him!) 😞

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1 hour ago, Charlie19 said:

Since then (and maybe even a bit before that conversation) he's been replying a lot less, even on weekends when I know he's not busy and when he usually messages me a lot. By a lot less I mean before he would reply every few hours and now he won't reply for at least 10-12 hours. I feel like we're not having any proper conversation

Then don't 'text' so much.  Call him to hear his voice more.  So much texting one can get many things taken the wrong way- at least 2-3 times a week?  Or face-time whatever it's called, lol.

IF he said not to worry- he is not going anywhere then try really hard to accept this.

My parents met from diff countries so for a long while would not see each other but made it work, then you can too- If you believe.  😉

Go with the flow, if you must... take it easy.  Has been 6 months and if he is that into you he won't go anywhere.

 

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I've noticed a pattern with my friends and loved ones that synchs with what I'm experiencing now--I'm just feeling a bit shut down--because I've been shut down, along with everyone else.

I feel too boring to perk up to convo.

At the start of the Covid, I was on the phone and text with everyone I've ever known. None of us knew whether we'd been infected and we were all waiting to learn whether or not we'd develop symptoms. After that, we all kept in touch to discuss updates and some of us were fortunate enough to connect outdoors while the weather permitted.

But now? We've all been under quarantine in order to protect loved ones over the holidays, and let's just say--it's not inspiring.

I'd hold off of trying to attribute any meaning to isolated behaviors just now.

Hang in there, and best of health and safety to you.

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8 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Then don't 'text' so much.  Call him to hear his voice more.  So much texting one can get many things taken the wrong way- at least 2-3 times a week?  Or face-time whatever it's called, lol.

IF he said not to worry- he is not going anywhere then try really hard to accept this.

My parents met from diff countries so for a long while would not see each other but made it work, then you can too- If you believe.  😉

Go with the flow, if you must... take it easy.  Has been 6 months and if he is that into you he won't go anywhere.

 

Thank you, he doesn't like facetime or phone calls, I believe they make him quite anxious. Which I understand as my sister is the same so I don't force it on him.

Thank you for your kind words 💕

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3 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I've noticed a pattern with my friends and loved ones that synchs with what I'm experiencing now--I'm just feeling a bit shut down--because I've been shut down, along with everyone else.

I feel too boring to perk up to convo.

At the start of the Covid, I was on the phone and text with everyone I've ever known. None of us knew whether we'd been infected and we were all waiting to learn whether or not we'd develop symptoms. After that, we all kept in touch to discuss updates and some of us were fortunate enough to connect outdoors while the weather permitted.

But now? We've all been under quarantine in order to protect loved ones over the holidays, and let's just say--it's not inspiring.

I'd hold off of trying to attribute any meaning to isolated behaviors just now.

Hang in there, and best of health and safety to you.

Thank you for your kind words. 

That makes sense because I'm also feeling much more deflated and I know he can sense that. Perhaps he just feels we don't have much to talk about? I don't know. 

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1 hour ago, Charlie19 said:

Thank you for your kind words. 

That makes sense because I'm also feeling much more deflated and I know he can sense that. Perhaps he just feels we don't have much to talk about? I don't know. 

I'd think of it less like a 'we' thing and more like a 'me' thing from him. Focus away from him for a while, see how well you can re-engergize yourself within your own circles of friends and family. You're likely to find him reaching out at some point.

Read my sig, and take heart that this is no time to be reading anybody's pulse. Everyone is dealing with this time in their own private ways. Best not to take temperatures right now.

Head high.

Edited by catfeeder
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4 hours ago, Coldarmy13 said:

Maybe i missed something, but at 6 months, why not spend time with each other at each others houses during these lockdowns? 

It's currently illegal to do that where live so maybe it's illegal where they live.  My comment was going to be - why not phone each other!  Have a real conversation for a change!  

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22 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Do you have video calls, or is most of the communication by text?

Unfortunately mostly by text as he doesn't like to speak over the phone, it makes him quite anxious and as I said above I understand because my sister is the same and so I wont push him to

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21 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd think of it less like a 'we' thing and more like a 'me' thing from him. Focus away from him for a while, see how well you can re-engergize yourself within your own circles of friends and family. You're likely to find him reaching out at some point.

Read my sig, and take heart that this is no time to be reading anybody's pulse. Everyone is dealing with this time in their own private ways. Best not to take temperatures right now.

Head high.

Thank you so much for this, I will do as you've said and try not to take it to heart 😌

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It's possible that he's emotionally distancing himself from you because he can't see you and is losing that connection.

Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do about that at the moment. It's a real shame.

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5 hours ago, Charlie19 said:

Unfortunately mostly by text as he doesn't like to speak over the phone, it makes him quite anxious and as I said above I understand because my sister is the same and so I wont push him to

How can you have a relationship by text?  I wouldn't be able to do something so impersonal.   Can you discuss it with him?   You guys sound really disconnected.

Edited by Hollyj
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On 1/3/2021 at 4:25 PM, Charlie19 said:

And the fact that if we now cannot see each other for awhile, is this all the contact we're going to have? If so, I don't think I can cope with that. It almost feels like I'm not even dating anyone.

Have you said this to him?

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A relationship cannot survive on texting alone. 

Being anxious on the phone would be a reasonable excuse if you otherwise spent time together in person. Since that's not possible right now, I would have less patience for being too anxious to speak to you. You're his girlfriend and he doesn't have any other way to connect with you at present. At some point, you need to ask yourself if this person is emotionally mature enough for a real relationship. 

I think he's losing interest in the relationship and doesn't know how to be honest and tell you. And since he struggles so much to communicate through other means, there's not a lot you can do. I would step back and see if comes to you of his own volition. If he doesn't, then you have a big decision to make. 

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It could be the quarantine. We're not living in a normal time, things are not normal. It can be hard to have things to talk about. it can get boring constantly checking in with a person. It can feel forced, as there is nothing happening and nothing to talk about.

On the other hand, are you being needy and clingy? You asked him one time. he reassured you but that's not good enough. You say you both really like each other.  If you really believe that, why are you questioning again? 

if your gut is telling you, he is losing interest then back off. Chasing someone does not make them want you more. 

Learn the art of detachment. You can meet people and find better for you and your mental health. 

Let this go for now. See how it plays out. 

Edited by Lambert
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This is why we date...to see if they are our match, and treat us the way we expect to be treated. Already you are feeling your hands are tied, don't want to "push" him, he's pulling away. Don't put up with it. If it's not to your satisfaction, find someone else who does satisfy your expectations.

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