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Cant get over the past... is there a chance of things coming back?


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So this will be long, I will try to be as short as I can and I appreciate anyone who can give some advice..  

So late August 2020 me and my gf broke up, it was like a week before my birthday...  I met her on tinder..shes 27 and lives with parents and im 29 live alone like 45 minutes away. We were together for 2 years and broke up once in the first years, her reasons were that the spark had gone and she didnt miss me or feel the same...  2 months of no contact went by and she came back as she missed me and wanted to try again. During the no contact I'd get the odd text or whatever and I even saw her on tinder. Anyway we worked it out, things were great and I spent Xmas of that year with her and her family which was amazing.. we were great.. fast forward the start of 2020 we were great, she would always tell me she loves me and all that and i never have to worry about us. Covid hits, during the time we were on lockdown she misses me like crazy, then when it eases we see eachother and its great. Time goes by up from like the start of summer, I notice her going distant like before, less chatty etc.. making plans.. I get it out of her then and she says she developed feelings for her friend but promised she never cheated or anything.. said it was just weird so she blocked and deleted him off all platforms to focus on me and he was fine with it. I backed off then and went no contact as we both needed space, she then messages me saying how stupid and sorry she was, that she loves me and nothing happened. We met up for a walk and it was great, we then planned on going away for my birthday weekend. 3 days before that she calls me in the morning, normal call like we usually have and she seemed in a good mood...  

30 minutes later she calls me to say we need to break up as if shes had feelings for someone else thats not right and she needs to sort herself out and has felt different for a while. Later that day she sends me a voice note on how shes spoken to her mom and sister who shes really close to and that shes self referred to counselling for anxiety and depression. She doesnt know why she feels like this but thinks its due to being off work for such a long time as she loves her job, shes a special needs teacher. She said im going to have to be patient with her and it could take months but she will contact me when shes ready and see where im at in life and if im willing to see how things go or we go our separate ways. I was supportive to her at all times and said I would be there for her to offer any help...   I receive birthday cards from her and her mom, i sent her mom one previously... and her mom wrote to me and said that shes in a fragile state right now with panic attacks and depression and that she needs structure in her life.. she doesnt know what will happen in future. Odd text flew by and I asked about her councelling and she said shes seen a doctor who gave her anti depressents but after speaking to her mom and family decided not to take them due to the side effects and the fact that she was now back in work.  My ex gf then in 2 weeks messaged me to say sorry to do this over text but ive decided to stay single for the near future, i love you as a person but dont see you as anything more, hopefully in time we can be friends...  I was confused over this as just a few weeks ago I was her soulmate blah blah blah. In the weeks after that shed see some status updates i did on whatsapp and messaged me random things relating to them.. thats all though. 

A few weeks go by and I notice shes deleted me from whatsapp, as the profile photo goes away when you do... I obviously lose my head over this and i know i shouldent have but I did..  I confronted her by messaging and she called me and said we just need to move on with our lives.. im a great guy but we just wernt soulmates, you need to move on and i dont have any feelings for you whatsoever.  I asked about her counselling and she said they decided she didnt need it now as she was fine due to being back in work. The first time we broke up this happened at the exact same time btw, in the summer when shes off for a long time...  When I said why did you delete me she said it like  because were done, finished.. and she said it in such a cocky way like i was nothing.  I could tell she was angry so i ended the call in a civil way before I said something I would regret.. i never said horrible things or did anything horrible. It was this type of stuff she said the first time we broke up and went on tinder at that time as well.

A couple weeks later I see her on tinder... that messed me up especially after her saying she wants to be single for a while. A month or so went by and I didnt see her on and presumed this was because we went into lockdown..  we come out of it then I see her on it again, but since we went back into lockdown over xmas i aint seen her..  Throughout all of this I told her im here for you if you need to talk to me about anything.. even after shes been on tinder..  i helped her late 2019 when her mom had health issues and helped her throughout when she thought she was pregnant and was by her side through it all. She has my email and knows where i live.. she said last time we spoke shed keep my number in her archived messages though i have no idea if she did...  ive never hurt her or disrespected her like previous exes have. Our families were close and we did a lot of things together. 

We broke up late August, but the odd message or status update would be there until like October time...   since the breakup ive had some dates but they never materialised...  have no luck right now and we are in lockdown until god knows when..   i work out, decent job and im trying my best but i cant stop thinking about her. I would be majorly surprised if she reached out someway.. but im not exactly getting any luck with anyone right now, ive been ghosted and yeah not got anywhere. I know some of you say you shouldnt be dating..  but i think if i met someone who i clicked with i would move on...   i miss her yeah, and has anyone experienced an ex coming back after 6 months or even longer periods? 

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oh up until like 2 or 3 weeks before we broke up in august.. she even talked about moving in with me in 2021.. thats how up and down this whole thing was.. its like she was bi polar!  but i guess i just cant move on from this..  

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7 hours ago, lp199117 said:

A couple weeks later I see her on tinder... that messed me up especially after her saying she wants to be single for a while. A month or so went by and I didnt see her on and presumed this was because we went into lockdown..  we come out of it then I see her on it again, but since we went back into lockdown over xmas i aint seen her..  Throughout all of this I told her im here for you if you need to talk to me about anything.. even after shes been on tinder..

YOU need to stop all of this.. is just driving you insane.

Whatever she is doing does not matter anymore.. Is something you need to realize.

Fact, she is done & had been struggling with her mental health :(.  Worst thing she needs is to be constantly bickered at by her ex.

So, now it is time for YOU to work on accepting & healing from this and you can't if you keep trying to figure out what SHE is doing.. this will keep you from ever healing & moving on.

I get it.. you are there for her.  BUT she is trying to move on from all of this.. She will NOT reach out to you.

You both need to go your own ways now.. and is impossible anyways, to let go if you keep trying to keep in any form of contact.. That's why we have NC ( No contact).  In order to move on properly.

 

I know - it hurts a lot!  :(.. But we can't make someone love us.  She's been back & forth with you as she was trying to wean herself off of you.  This is why & was the hot & cold for a while.. then she finally said enough.

Is for the best now you both just stop.

 

So walk away.. keep walking and focus on YOU & your own self care & healing.

Many times couples will break up- is not always easy but it happens.  And life will go on.

 

One day at a time.. 

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8 hours ago, lp199117 said:

since the breakup ive had some dates but they never materialised...  have no luck right now and we are in lockdown until god knows when..   i work out, decent job and im trying my best but i cant stop thinking about her. I would be majorly surprised if she reached out someway.. but im not exactly getting any luck with anyone right now, ive been ghosted and yeah not got anywhere. I know some of you say you shouldnt be dating..  but i think if i met someone who i clicked with i would move on...   i miss her yeah, and has anyone experienced an ex coming back after 6 months or even longer periods? 

IMO- your actions are of 'rebound'- I say don't do it this way.. what if she came back?  Would you drop your new one?  ( Probably- so dont be so selfish)  

Do they come back?  Some do- but most of the time, a break up occurs again.. Why?  Because the BU happened for reasons and often blended in with the effects of the BU the first time ( damages caused- hard feelings etc).

So dont expect much there & as I said.. pretty much think she's done .

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She isn't bipolar. (At least, not based on your description)

She's a girl who fell out of love but selfishly wanted you to stick around anyway to keep her company when it suited her. She sounds very immature, but not mentally ill. 

This has been over a while, and she's moving on. It  hurts, but you need to do the same. Stop reaching out to her; stop offering to be her shoulder to cry on if she ever needs it. She doesn't need that from you and hasn't given any indication that she wants you to remain in her life. Hard to hear, I realize. But you've got to let go, OP. She already has. 

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12 hours ago, lp199117 said:

. We were together for 2 years and broke up once in the first years, her reasons were that the spark had gone and she didnt miss me or feel the same...  

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately, it seems she's been ambivalent all along dispite periods of being together and good times..

Periods of blocking, space, breakups, etc. suggests underlying unresolved issues.

Although she mentioned her mental health and other factors, it seems she's using the "it's me, not you" explanation to end it.

The best thing you can do is delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This is so you can reflect without static in the background.

Next time, address issues through good communication rather than breakups, space, making her miss you,etc.

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Trust me I wanted to address everything through good communication when this first happened.. it was her who wasnt telling me the truth to begin with...I havent messaged her or anything for like 3 months now..  shes deleted me from her contacts and i blocked her off social media. All she has is my e-mail and knows where I live.. weather she has my number somewhere or knows it in her head i dont know. Last night I logged on to bumble, I wondered how i havent seen her on tinder for a few weeks, and there she now was on bumble just joined.  Wrote in her progile, looking for a relationship so please dont waste my time if youre not. Found that a bit weird/hypocrytical    since thats what she did to me lol  she must have got messed around on tinder. 

I do believe she had some sort of mental health issue in the past, her mom even told me about her anxiety/depression and a doctor gave her meds which she decided not to take.  I didnt think shed reach out the first time we broke up, but she did.. but this time I know she wont since she deleted my number. Im not gonna lie seeing her on bumble stings, and me living alone and this lockdown on.. i cant do anything..  i overthink about turning 30 in August and not settling down or being too late for a family etc..  The reason i mentioned bi polar was due to the amount of times shes said and done one thing then done the opposite... but who knows.. i will never see or hear from her again.  Baring in mind this first happened right before my birthday last August, we had the odd tect up until late october and final call early November. She is a late one for maturity at 27, living with parents etc and only starting her teaching job in 2019..  hopefully I will get better and find someone better. 

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Stop searching for her on dating sites. You say it hurts so why keep doing it?

You are still very young. You can meet someone new but not if you keep searching for your ex.

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Im not searching for her, im searching for me to meet someone!  but I keep seeing her on there.. I know she has every right, it just stings. Hurt when she told me she wanted to stay single for a while and then goes on there. I also wonder what shed think if she sees me on there.. but thats not my concern as I'll never know. 

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3 minutes ago, lp199117 said:

Im not searching for her, im searching for me to meet someone!  but I keep seeing her on there.. I know she has every right, it just stings. Hurt when she told me she wanted to stay single for a while and then goes on there. I also wonder what shed think if she sees me on there.. but thats not my concern as I'll never know. 

You're reading her profile. You don't have to do that.

You've been through enough hurt. It's not necessary to continue to hurt yourself.

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  • 2 weeks later...

you just have to stop. Quit making excuses and quit reasoning, excusing, or justifying her actions. Im going to tell you the reality of whats going on first. 

It is over, she is not coming back, she is going to meet someone new and she is going to kiss and have sex with someone that is not you. Thats just a fact and thats how the life of an X goes. She is going to be just fine without you. Its not a question of mental instability its a question of want. She doesnt want to be with you. You just have to accept that it is over. 

What you are doing is waiting and justifying that wait and her actions by reasoning and and excusing. You believe all this has to do with mental issues and if she gets a hold of them then she will see you are the one she wants. So that gives you hope and a reason to hang around. Also you use the past promises and plans you two made as a way to hang on. "She said I was her soulmate". But that was said when you two were together and she is not saying it now. So you must toss out all past promises. 

So you are taking those and rolling it up and making you believe that she will be back. After all, she has returned once before, why not again? Right. So in the meantime you go out on dates, pretending to move on, but you are not. You still have a love for your X that you are looking for a replacement for her and not someone new. Tell me you dont go out on dates and compare them to your X. I know you do. 

A few things you must do. Stop!! Dont use Tinder. You rationalize it by saying you want to meet someone, but you know full well that you might see her. And seeing her on there justifies your hurt or your pain. It also reinforces your beliefs that its all a temporary mental state. You have to delete everything about her off of your phone. All messages, DMs, emails, whatever you have on your phone.. gone. Even her phone number must be deleted. Dont worry, in time you will forget it. 

Its hard to move forward when you are constantly looking back. You also might miss out on your new soulmate because you are looking back and not forward. 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 1/13/2021 at 2:58 AM, No1 said:

you just have to stop. Quit making excuses and quit reasoning, excusing, or justifying her actions. Im going to tell you the reality of whats going on first. 

It is over, she is not coming back, she is going to meet someone new and she is going to kiss and have sex with someone that is not you. Thats just a fact and thats how the life of an X goes. She is going to be just fine without you. Its not a question of mental instability its a question of want. She doesnt want to be with you. You just have to accept that it is over. 

What you are doing is waiting and justifying that wait and her actions by reasoning and and excusing. You believe all this has to do with mental issues and if she gets a hold of them then she will see you are the one she wants. So that gives you hope and a reason to hang around. Also you use the past promises and plans you two made as a way to hang on. "She said I was her soulmate". But that was said when you two were together and she is not saying it now. So you must toss out all past promises. 

So you are taking those and rolling it up and making you believe that she will be back. After all, she has returned once before, why not again? Right. So in the meantime you go out on dates, pretending to move on, but you are not. You still have a love for your X that you are looking for a replacement for her and not someone new. Tell me you dont go out on dates and compare them to your X. I know you do. 

A few things you must do. Stop!! Dont use Tinder. You rationalize it by saying you want to meet someone, but you know full well that you might see her. And seeing her on there justifies your hurt or your pain. It also reinforces your beliefs that its all a temporary mental state. You have to delete everything about her off of your phone. All messages, DMs, emails, whatever you have on your phone.. gone. Even her phone number must be deleted. Dont worry, in time you will forget it. 

Its hard to move forward when you are constantly looking back. You also might miss out on your new soulmate because you are looking back and not forward. 

 

I did delete all our photos, blocked her on instagram...  got rid of a few things she got me for my house..   im better now than what i used to be...  i still think of her but not as deep. Ive seen her on tinder/bumble like 3 or 4 weeks ago but not since... it didnt set me in a crappy feeling.. ye it hurt a bit but it was bound to happen. I know shes not going to come back, shes deleted my number and if she wanted to reach out then she easily could. Lockdown here doesnt make things easy for me on the dating scene etc.. but ive been focusing on doing things to my house, im getting a bar built outside and going to order a hot tub...   talking with friends and going online on the ps5 on a weekend. Passes the time....      sometimes i get a boring low feeling, but i guess i need to find things to do. I will be glad when the gym re opens and i can see friends. Im talking to girls on whatsapp, some nice conversations but nothing too deep, planned to meet when this ends so all i can do is see how it goes i guess.  But im not as bad as i used to be i know that deep down..  

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your doing the right things and in time you wont think about her anymore. Think of you are a tree and so is your X. And you have these vines that stretch across to her tree. These vines are emotions and feelings that you have for your X. Now if you feed these vines with emotions and feelings and give them time, they are going to continue to be strong and its going to affect you. 

But if you starve these vines, eventually in time they will just dry up and detach from her tree. How do you do that? By what you are doing now. You dont feed her tree with emotions, with time and you dont keep them alive. One vine is keeping her phone number in your phone. You delete the number and eventually it will go away. Pictures, messages, social media, are all emotional vines and since you cut them off, in time they will dry up and detach to. Its not going to happen over night but day by day youll think of her less and less until you say.. you know what, I havent thought about her in some time. 

Its a process, its not easy, it takes a lot of emotional strength from you, but it can be done. Look at all the posters on here, they went thru heart break and survived. Things will get better. 

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Well it happened from the end of August last year but not a clear cut silence since like end of october and i sitll think of her lol i dont have her number in my phone but i know it in my head...  i used to wonder before if she would contact me one day.. even though she deleted me as she has my email and for all i know may know my number.. but she didnt and wont. Ive kind of come to terms with it, its the toughest breakup ive had to endure... but i do look forward to the days where theres not a single thought about her

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3 hours ago, lp199117 said:

Well it happened from the end of August last year but not a clear cut silence since like end of october and i sitll think of her lol i dont have her number in my phone but i know it in my head...  i used to wonder before if she would contact me one day.. even though she deleted me as she has my email and for all i know may know my number.. but she didnt and wont. Ive kind of come to terms with it, its the toughest breakup ive had to endure... but i do look forward to the days where theres not a single thought about her

Sounds like you are still hoping that she might get a hold of you. Even tho you say that the odds are remote, there is a part of you that wants her to reach out to you. IF that is true, then you are keeping some vines alive and strong. At some point you have to just not care and say the hell with it and let her go completely. If you have done that, the days that you wont think of her will come soon. If you are looking at your phone hoping today is the day she reaches out to you, then the days of you not thinking of her is going to be much later. 

Remember, breaking up sucks and its how fast you heal is all on you and it is a mind set. As long as you care about her being in your life no matter how big or small the roll is, its going to lead to a longer healing period. The faster you can let her go and tell her have a good life, then odds are the recovery will be faster. Its really all up to you. 

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10 hours ago, lp199117 said:

Well it happened from the end of August last year

5 mos is enough time to start to heal in peace. Keep in mind intensity is Not intimacy. The craziness you had was intensity, not compatibility or intimacy.

The best thing you can do is delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This is so you can reflect without static in the background.

Next time, address issues through good communication rather than breakups, space, making her miss you,etc.

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Oh i tried communicating...  she didnt want to.. i guess i had a lot of anxiety or whatever in my head when it all happened... the shock and the main thing being fear...  fear i wont find someone as confident, bubbly with friends and family as her... the sex, how her family loved me and mine loved her...   fear im turning 30 this August and im alone..  getting older and eventually i want a family..  i dont know it was the rush of emotions all at once..     But you know in the back of my head after she messed me around the first time i did think if she would do it again... i communicated this to her at one point when we were doing fine and she promised with everything it wouldnt happen.  Then her having a whole meltdown and saying she has mental health isues.. the yo yo'ing of different things she was saying to me.  I hope one day i find someone who would never ever do those kind of things to me..  this lockdown doesnt help as im alone all the time in the house and i think of her. The way she spoke to me as well at certain points wasnt nice, and not a care in the world for the money i wasted on her which i couldnt cancel. But you live and learn, i do believe in karma.  I was never horrible to her and i never isnulted her or anything..  hopefully this year once life gets back to normal i will find that certain someone. Im trying to kinda improve certain things.. like doing stuff to my house, best i can on home workouts but when the gym opens i will be ready to go wild at that.  

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Sometimes it's over for a good reason. Almost always, in fact.

You're just lonely,hurt and nostalgic. That's ok. It's normal after a breakup.

Step back. Stay busy. When you are ready, start talking to and dating other women.

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