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Need Help, Feeling Down, Boyfriend's Brother Is A Horrible Person


Jojo50
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A bit long, sorry, but I need help from you guys on this. I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years. We always get along, we are together everyday and we argue about minimal stuff like anyone else. He has an older brother who is egotistical, he only thinks of himself, always does what he likes, is awkward sometimes and once was about to get physical with me because I was cheering for another fighter in the UFC than him (who his fighter lost). If it wasn't for my boyfriend stepping in who knows what he would've done. The last straw though was at a bbq, one summer day, he refused to let me help with the bbq when I asked nicely saying: "my girlfriend is coming, I want to impress her", when you're offering help. I was sad at first but then got mad at him for being so rude and said it infront of everyone to let him have it (he deserved it imo) and left. He always does this when she is involved, he needs to put on a show. He's a fake pos, he has nothing to his name at 27, barely can do school, and he thinks he can boss others around. He has even told my boyfriend many times: "this isn't your house, you don't live here anymore" when he doesn't either, and it's his families' house. This is a brief summary, there is much more, point to say he's an asshole. We confronted him once about this and he said he back talked us to everyone and wasn't even sorry for how he behaved. So we cut him out and didnt speak to him.

 

In the present, we wanted to be at his house for holidays but he might've been there too so I told my boyfriend the best way is we go when he's not there to avoid trouble. He's stubborn and thinks we should still confront this guy, who won't change, because "avoiding isn't a long term solution, so now we sabbotage our free will to come on the chance he will be there?" He thinks we should confront him again. I believe people like this don't change, and you don't keep them in your life, they are toxic. We have our own place and don't need to be here at all even, other than to see his younger bro and his parents. I really need people's opinions on this, do you agree with me that if you've confronted someone and they refuse to change no point in keeping a narcissist like that in your lives? My boyfriend doesn't talk to him or like him but he has naiveness with people (he thinks he's not). I've been screwed over by people like this and know better. 

 

Today I left their house because his mom, who is geniunely a psycho, never discplined her kids and will defend them even if they are wrong said to me: "just forgive him its the moral thing to do" and him nearly hitting me as "an incident". I literally started off polite with her then lost it when she kept saying this crap. She's the type of person who interjects in others problems. The day it happened she had the nerve to tell me to stay at an event I was insulted at. I am livid and honestly I'm going crazy about this feeling like I'm alone in this... My boyfriend hates him fyi but idk what it is, he's naive or what, he can't see confronting again won't do anything. He says "I'm not going to do this not talking thing". Idk what to do... I've spent hours explaining and debating why with him and he agrees on everything exept how to deal with him. What would you do in my shoes? Thanks guys for anyone who answers honestly. My dad said no matter what happened the fact he didn't come with me was a really rude thing to do, to leave you're SO alone on new years (and with covid you cant go anywhere)...

Edited by Jojo50
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You've positioned yourself to drive a wedge between BF and his family.

And for what purpose? How does this serve you, or anyone else?

You can excuse yourself from attending BF's family gatherings, but if he wants to go, your choice is to keep your mouth shut and make other plans for yourself, or attend with him and behave as though you are not still in the throes of adolescence.

The decision is yours. Choose wisely.

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Posted (edited)
48 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You've positioned yourself to drive a wedge between BF and his family.

And for what purpose? How does this serve you, or anyone else?

You can excuse yourself from attending BF's family gatherings, but if he wants to go, your choice is to keep your mouth shut and make other plans for yourself, or attend with him and behave as though you are not still in the throes of adolescence.

The decision is yours. Choose wisely.

Did you read what i wrote? On a website designed to help people in difficult times this is how you speak to others? Blaming me for being in a situation with a person who is nothing but calice and rude to me when ive been nothing but nice and excusing (even when he nearly assaulted me!). This is the first opinion on any forum i have recieved of this nature, everyone else has sided with me on this saying it's not right how he is treating me and my bfs behaviour, although he can stay and no one argues against this not even me, was wrong in the situation. Who are you to say keep your mouth shut to someone? When you are in a relationship you value each others opinions, you fight and talk about stuff and you defend those you care about. You might not always agree and thats normal but you have to keep trying and solving things. You dont have to agree with me but you shouldnt assume stuff. My bf hates his brother as much as i do, he just doesn't agree on the method of approaching this. Also, what kind of family is it if someone who is willing to assault someones SO? You condone this behaviour? because you don't seem to say anything about how someone shouldn't act like that... If you believe those are relationships worth keeping idk what to say. How does it serve me? Hmm idk maybe because you dont keep people who are vindictive and evil around because they are trouble? Isnt this obvious? If your family memeber insulted your SO would you be happy about it? Want to continue relations with such a person? I want opinions and advice, but you don't need to be so cold and rude. Put yourself in others shoes before saying these things. Ive helped a lot of people on these forums and reddit and such and even if someone disagreed i'd never allow myself to say "shut your mouth" and "throes of adolecense" whatever the hell that means. I'm not but some people on here might be suicidal needing advice, have some class when you speak, this could push someone to the brink saying stuff like that it's not nice.

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7 hours ago, Jojo50 said:

What would you do in my shoes? Thanks guys for anyone who answers honestly.

OP, that is what you asked, and you got an honest answer from CF.

Re-read your original post and consider whether you really want to be in this relationship at all.

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9 hours ago, Jojo50 said:

because "avoiding isn't a long term solution, so now we sabbotage our free will to come on the chance he will be there?" He thinks we should confront him again. I believe people like this don't change, and you don't keep them in your life, they are toxic. We have our own place and don't need to be here at all even, other than to see his younger bro and his parents.

Cutting him out would also mean severely limiting how much you and your boyfriend are able to see his younger brother & parents.  

They'd have to come to YOU, and never the other way around.

We had to do this with my brother once his mental illness was getting bad (he lived with my parents and they largely enabled his never getting help back then).

Your boyfriend's older brother sounds like he may have a mental illness also.  You have to cut him out if he's like this... he really may have harmed you physically over the TV show thing (good grief!).

We just couldn't allow our kids to be around someone dangerous, is what it came down to.  And when they aren't getting treatment, mentally ill people are unpredictably angry and violent over nutty stuff.  So if you and your boyfriend are serious, or are thinking about having children in the future, you have to accept having strong boundaries that affect his parents/younger brother having to only see your kids at your house until he gets treatment.

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5 hours ago, Jojo50 said:

Who are you to say keep your mouth shut to someone? When you are in a relationship you value each others opinions, you fight and talk about stuff and you defend those you care about. You might not always agree and thats normal but you have to keep trying and solving things. You dont have to agree with me but you shouldnt assume stuff. My bf hates his brother as much as i do, he just doesn't agree on the method of approaching this.

I don't think it's right to, "Keep your mouth shut," when he almost assaulted you over a TV show.

But Catfeeder is right that this is only going to drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend's family IF he can't accept serious boundaries to protect you/him and any future kids you may have together.

Their mom makes excuses for a grown man (the brother) who almost assaulted you!  Catfeeder's point is valid in that... what are you really getting out this trying to argue/debate, "for hours," with a boyfriend who thinks his brother still needs to be in your lives.

It will drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend and his family.  She is very right because your boyfriend doesn't see a problem with it at all.

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11 hours ago, Jojo50 said:

Thanks guys for anyone who answers honestly

This is what you asked for. If you just wanted to be told you're right it would have been better to say that instead of asking for honest answers.

Debating for hours isn't the way to resolve this issue. If your boyfriend wants to maintain a relationship with his brother he has he right to do so. It would be nice if he would tell his brother that he expects him to treat you with respect and that he will leave if he continues to show you disrespect. But getting into arguments with the brother and his mother at the family home is a really bad idea and will not help your relationship.

Do not ask your boyfriend to choose or to do things your way. That will backfire every time. Also, reacting with grace rather than a diatribe is a better way to deal with people who disagree with you.

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Enforce healthy boundaries with your boyfriend and his relatives.  Have your boyfriend attend family gatherings and continue his relationship with them while you stay home. 

In the past, whenever there were family members who didn't behave properly, my husband and sons attended various social gatherings or outings while I stayed home, took a nap, took the dog for a walk, gabbed on the phone with my best friend, worked on hobbies or projects and enjoyed "me time" to the hilt.  🙂 

If I accompany my husband to gatherings with his side of the family, I remain stoic and civil.  I'm not mean yet I'm not chummy either.  I behave in a well mannered, polite, respectful and civil manner; no more no less.  If you are ever in a setting which makes you uncomfortable, always handle yourself with aplomb and grace. 

This world is filled with despicable people.  Rise above it.  Never stoop down to their level, never engage, don't lecture them, learn to walk away, do something else, get busy by distracting yourself and you will survive. 

I have a BIL (brother-in-law) whom I despise and I don't particularly care for a few other in-laws who are rude, obnoxious, unkind and disrespectful.  I simply do not engage.  I do something else, I'm with another person who is "safe" and nice and I don't put myself in vulnerable situations.  Never set yourself up.  Always remain in control. 

You can never a change a person.  They are who they are.  No sense lecturing them because you're wasting your breath, time and energy.  I've since written people off. 

My mother-in-law (MIL) once said that a lot of people have their "foibles."  While it's true, it doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to repeated abuse.  They won't change.  Remember that.  Learn how to protect yourself always.  Practice strong boundaries with others.  Don't bother each other and you will feel safe from harm. 

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Co signing, you don’t have to hang out with these people who aren’t good company for you. But you should let your boyfriend make his own decisions around whether or not he wants to tolerate their behaviour. (You absolutely can tell him you don’t want to hear him venting about the shitty things they do after he’s chosen to continue engaging with them though, he’ll need to find another ear for that). 
 

If this is how looks going forward, you don’t have to see them ever again if you don’t want to and he stays in touch, would you still want to date him?

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