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Exhausting loving an alcoholic


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 I don’t really know where to begin, I am with my boyfriend 3 years, I’m in my early 30’s. He is very loving and kind to me, if alcohol didn’t exist he would be perfect, he’s handsome and thought I hit the jackpot with him after 3 failed previous relationships, we would go on holidays twice a year and down the country once a year. I always kind of knew he liked his drink at the weekends, but the thing is I only ever saw him at weekends, he lived with his grandparents and I lived with my parents as my sister was in my house (that I was buying off my parents) as she was in the process of building her house next door and she had a family and I didn’t so I didn’t mind she lived in my place for a few years.

Me and my boyfriend would see each other every weekend, had fun, just great time doing what couples do, meals out, cinema, going to the pub on a Saturday he would want to drink Sunday too, I would drive so I wouldn’t bother drinking Sunday, then I got pregnant and unfortunately miscarried at 7 weeks which absolutely broke me but he was such a rock tru that all which made me love him even more, we decided to try for a baby which didn’t happen right away took half a year but knew my sister would be out of my house by time baby came along so we could spend more time alone living with eachother for the first time before baby came along but then covid19 came along which meant country went into lockdown so workers couldn’t continue on my sisters house everyone had to stay in a bubble which meant for the last 4 months of my pregnancy I never got to see my boyfriend which was hard but there’s worse things going on in the world.

Fast forward and we get to see each other and spend two days together in my parents house before I’m due to give birth, I give birth via c section as I haven’t the best bones in the world so they thought that would be best option, he was able to come for the birth was was lovely and had to leave 3 hours later and I stayed 5 days in hospital absolutely exhausted and alone and in real bad pain, the day I left the hospital with the baby was the day we got to move into my house and live together for the first time and that’s when thecracks started to show, I was up every 2 hours with the baby, shattered feeding him, my boyfriend was too nervous feeding baby Cos of baby neck so I had to do all the feeding, plus I know hes such a deep sleeper I didn’t feel comfortable with him helping me with feeds incase he fell asleep midway tru the feeds, I was like a zombie for the first 9 weeks, even though he couldn’t help with feeds he was such a great dad and is a great dad, he absolutely adores our son, changes nappies and cleans the bottles, makes dinner if need be, as baby started to sleep tru the night ( hallelujah) I got more sleep and felt like myself again.

I started to notice I would smell drink off my partner, so red flags started to raise and I went looking and found cans of beer hidden in the spare room wardrobe, I confronted him and he dismissed it casually like oh he just wanted a few to relax and I told him that it’s weird he’s drinking in the room alone and if he’s gonna have a beer have it in front of me, why hide? He was like yes I will in future and apologised and that was that thought was a once off until I could sense he had a drink in him and he told me he had not been drinking and so when he fell asleep I went searching and found cans of more beer hidden in a different place, so instead of confronting him I got a pen and put a little circle on it and checked a few days later and the circle was gone, new box of beers empty, this man works, I don’t see him drinking so where is he drinking? He either does it when I’m in bed he goes to bed later than me or he does it in the morning?

I thought maybe if he finally learns to drive well he won’t be able to drink then, so he started to learn and I gave him my car, he was getting on good driving I thought, and he came home from work at 11pm one night and I could smell the drink right off him, he promised on our childs life he wasn’t drinking, I felt like “am I going mad or something” ? so I was heading to bed when I noticed from the window he left the car light on and so I went out to turn it off and the smell of beer hit me and saw his sports bag and opened it and full of empty cans of beer, I of course was very very upset by this, completely disrespectful to drive my car drinking driving when he only driving 2 weeks, not to mention how dangerous it is and I absolutely detest drunk drivers, He broke down in tears and said he’s depressed (his father was an alcoholic and died when he was 9 so I think this is a big part of the reason why he drinks) he promised he’d never do it again, I told him if he does we are finished and that if he does I hope the police catch him.

6 months later I know he’s hiding drink I just don’t know his drinking hiding spots now, I pray he’s not stupid enough to drink and drive anymore but feel he is still sneaking drink, it’s at the stage now if we have a few drinks together I notice when he goes into kitchen to fill my glass of wine he will be secretly downing beers in kitchen even though we are having few drinks in livingroom so why is he downing beers in kitchen, it’s like he’s trying to get as much alcohol into him as possible, it’s so hard to sleep beside him at night when he drinks, he snores so so bad, sleep talks and has slept walked twice which has terrified me as I never experienced that,I have woken up which I’m embarrassed to even write covered in his urine Cos he has wet the bed AGAIN because he is a deep sleeper and with alcohol even worse, I can’t sleep properly beside him and have to wake him up (which is so hard) tru the night to get him to go to the toilet so he won’t wet the bed, he has wet the bed at least 5 times only when he drinks.

I’m at my wits end here, I don’t want to argue with him anymore about his drinking Cos he’s clearly in absolute denial, we have a 6 month old baby so I’m up in the mornings early with him, he is such a loving father but I don’t want my son having a father who clearly has a drinking problem even if he is getting better at hiding it, I’m happy 70% of the time, he is such a lovely man and I know his childhood has made him like this but it’s exhausting continuously being suspicious and looking for the alcohol that he’s hidden, I have to tell him to wash himself, his hygiene can get bad that I don’t even want to have sex with him anymore, I feel like Cos we only saw each other at weekends before baby he would make an effort and obviously wash himself but now that we live together I realise he thinks washing himself once a week Is enough even if he smells, his skid marks on his underwear is a whole different ball game and again he has promised that he will be more hygienic.

 I don’t know what to do? I’m afraid he’s going to get worse, he is such a lovely man and good to me in other ways but the alcohol is absolutely destroying  us, it makes him not take care of himself, im starting to lose respect for him, I know if I was reading this I’d be like girl leave him wtf how can you put up with bed wetting and drinking even I don’t know how I’ve managed to somehow try and put it back of my mind, But I do really love him, he clearly has a drinking issue and has problems so do I just leave him when he’s already feeling so bad about himself? I am so so sorry this is so long i actually can’t believe how long it is, I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this, I feel lost, I just want us to be a normal happy little family, but he needs to stop drinking , even if he only drank once a week I could deal with but I know it’s a lot more, he is just hiding it! 

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Move in with your sister with the baby. Tell him you will not return until he has COMPLETED a treatment program for alcoholics. Not when he cries and promises to go, not after he books an appointment, not after he goes one time. When he completes the program. He can do outpatient if his employer will not sponsor him into a program. Then once he completes the program, insist on marriage counseling and for individual counseling for the both of you.

This man is an addict and will bring you and your child down with him if he doesn't get professional help. If he refuses he will likely end up dead or in jail.

This would be the most loving thing you can do for him and for your family.

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Thanks.  Makes it a lot easier to read.  

This sounds like a nightmare.  He knows there is a problem, but continues to hide things and lie, all of this supersedes all of his "lovely" qualities.   He is putting the alcohol ahead of you and your child, and this will only get worse, unless he stops.  

He should no longer be allowed to drive your car.  he is putting others at risk and will make you financially responsible.   

I would suggest you remove yourself from this situation, and not make any excuses for his behavior.  I would also suggest that you contact Al-Anon for some help.

This guy has shown you that he has no intention of stopping, and God forbid he drop or harm your child.  The hygiene is disgusting and the bed wetting is beyond gross.  

Move out, as this is best for you and your kid.    

Edited by Hollyj
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Sorry to hear this. The longer you stay in denial the more dangerous and destructive this is to you and your child.

You are already rationalizing and believing statements such as "because of his childhood". etc. 

Do not let him use your vehicle. If he kills someone and it's your insurance/vehicle you are involved.. and could lose your home if his victims sue.

His primary relationship is with alcohol, not you. You are simply a pawn to facilitate the alcohol. For example, driving your car, cleaning up his urine,etc.

You've become a slave to his alcoholism and this is where you can need to take a long hard look at what type of chaos, conflict and crises he brings.

Most of all, you must realize that your responsibility primarily is caring for and protecting your child.

This will get worse. You haven't hit rock bottom yet. You have taken away care from your child to facilitate his drinking but the worst is yet to come 

One day you'll get the call from the police. You'll spend your child's future education on criminal defense attorneys, car repairs, lawsuits, rehabs, etc.

Unfortunately you are still minimizing the risks you are taking. You are chauffeuring him so he can drink.

When you realize the detriment to you, your child and him for doing this enabling, you may stand up and improve your and your child's life and leave .

Until then, you are playing with fire. Don't count on a quick fix for this. It's not a stint in rehab and he's "cured".

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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4 hours ago, Mandy1986 said:

I started to notice I would smell drink off my partner, so red flags started to raise and I went looking and found cans of beer hidden in the spare room wardrobe,

Why was this, after 3 yrs a 'red flag'?  You've known all along he drinks  :/.

Who cares where or when he drinks- he drinks... is the fact. ( probably hiding it more, knowing you're at him about it).

Denial.. exactly how alcy's are.  Unless or until they 'admit' they have a prob & seek some help...

As much alcy as possible.. trying to drown out the pains?  😞

4 hours ago, Mandy1986 said:

he is such a loving father but I don’t want my son having a father who clearly has a drinking problem even if he is getting better at hiding it

Well, sadly, I guess you were never that aware of the actions of an alcoholic?  IF you did, you would not want to remain involved with them - so often those kinds of relations come to a rough end- alcohol breaks up families.

I am very sorry you've had to experience this, but, YES... Unless or until HE takes action to better himself.. get some prof help and FIGHT this battle with his addiction things will not change.

It is a shame.. my first ex is an alcy.. we split within 10 yrs and I had 2 kids with him.. I was oblivious to what an alcoholic was- as I grew up with no alcohol in my family. ( I was 18 when we met- but you are 30?  You knew nothing of how alcy;s are?).

 

Anyways.. yeah, it may end up that you two end up apart- for your own health & your childs.  Mine ended with alternate weekend visits.  But, all that be up to you two ( & the courts if necessary).

 

I am okay though.. it had to be done.  I accepted it and did okay.

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5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Move in with your sister with the baby. Tell him you will not return until he has COMPLETED a treatment program for alcoholics. Not when he cries and promises to go, not after he books an appointment, not after he goes one time. When he completes the program. He can do outpatient if his employer will not sponsor him into a program. Then once he completes the program, insist on marriage counseling and for individual counseling for the both of you.

This man is an addict and will bring you and your child down with him if he doesn't get professional help. If he refuses he will likely end up dead or in jail.

This would be the most loving thing you can do for him and for your family.

I would reverse this and kick him out. Why 'enable' him to use your home as his drinking fortress by kicking yourself and your child out?

If you need help to remove him, contact your family and have someone stay with you as you confront him and afterward. Change the locks and call the police if he tries to enter your home.

I'd also seek legal advice to ensure that you have all your bases covered.

You might believe that this is a hardline approach, but allowing them man to reach his 'bottom' by losing you and your home is actually the kindest thing you can do for him. Otherwise, you continue to 'enable' the problem, which only prevents him from reaching the place he needs to hit before he will seek help.

Contact AlaNon and attend at least 3 meetings before deciding whether they can help you. These are your peers, experienced in what you are living. Ask for a sponsor right away, and if one group doesn't work for you, attend another. They are independently run and operate differently, so if one group isn't helpful or strikes you the wrong way, try a second and a third until you find the right place for support.

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Girl. 

Warning. Tough love ahead, but with kindness and respect:

1) What the heck were you thinking having a baby with a guy you'd never even lived with? You both put the cart way before the horse there, and I am wondering what your thought process was. Did you just want a baby really badly, or? 
2) What the heck are you thinking drinking with him at all? You know he is an alcoholic. Why are you enabling his intake by having drinks with him? 
3) Don't let him drive your car anymore. It's only a matter of time before he gets into an accident or arrested for drunk driving. And whatever you do, never let him drive with your baby in the car. 
4) Alcoholics can't have just one drink a week and be fine. He needs to be having zero drinks a week, for good.  
5) No, many women would not put up with his terrible hygiene and bed-wetting. That is repulsive. I bet you're starting to feel like you have two babies to look after now, huh? 

He is indeed an addict. Taking anything but a hard-line approach likely isn't going to work. You are going to need to find your courage and demand he get into treatment, or get out. And yes, you need to do this even when he's down on his luck. Probably now more than ever, actually. His alcohol abuse will increase as he struggles to cope with life. If you don't, expect nothing to change unless and until he hurts himself, or God forbid, someone else. 

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I agree with the others and maybe I misunderstand but you keep referencing "alcohol" as if alcohol" is to blame.  It's not.  Your boyfriend chooses to drink and chooses the consequences.  Please see this exactly for what it is including for your baby's sake.  My friend is married to an alcoholic and one day she found an open beer in arm's length of her toddler.  All was ok -she caught it in time.  What if she hadn't?  What if he drives with you in the car or heaven forbid his child and drives drunk or "tipsy??"  Would you ever forgive yourself if there was an accident??

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It is impossible to change an alcoholic. The desire to change will need to come only from him. It is a nasty addiction/illness that heavily impacts their decision making skills and harms other people around you. Arguments won't help, throwing away alcohol won't help. Please put you and baby first, you won't be able to help him. Only he can help himself and needs to have a desire to do so. You and your baby are n.1 priority.

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