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The thing you don't want to hear... but the thing you need to hear


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Hello everyone reading this. First of all I hope everyone is doing okay during the corona virus. Second of all, about 1½ year ago I spent quite a lot of time on this forum, as I had just been through a breakup with my girlfriend, and it was the most painful experience I have ever been through. I promised myself that I would eventually return and give something back to this forum, as I at the time sought help an read through endless "get back together" stories, which I am grateful of. So sit back and read - although with caution. If you are in the middle of your own breakup process, and all you need to hear is that you will get back together, don't continue. It is not one of those stories.

 

My ex and I were together for more than 2 years. Thinking back and being honest it was for me at the time the best relationship I had been in, and I loved her - so much I had planned excactly how I was gonna propose to her and excactly what I was gonna say at the wedding(I am the kind of guy, who plans stuff like that). Reflecting back there was also some dysfunctions, which I at the time wasn't aware of - but basically the only thing that mattered was that she after those 2 years didn't love me anymore. It was as simple as that. For those of you interested I finished my education as a physiotherapist 1½ year into the relationship and couldn't find work afterwards. It was for me tough to go through, and I eventually got all these stress symptoms. She was studying to become something in engineering, and she wasn't really the girl, who took exams easy. For some reason she didn't believe in herself, and it stressed her out. Then there was minor stuff like us moving in together relatively soon(I was a couple of years older than her and probably more mature and ready for that commitment) and things we didn't agree on.

I felt for a couple of months prior to the breakup that something wasn't as it should be - I just never could tell what. In her mind she was battling over whether the relationship was the right thing or not, and she eventually brought it up. A day after she returned and said she loved me, but that only went on for a couple more months, before she ended it for good.

 

To say I took it hard would be an understatement. Four days after I had lost 3 kg of bodyweight, as I could not eat more than 3-4 bites of food per meal. For two weeks I could not sit down with a laptop and constantly had do something in order not to get insane from it all. For a month I could not sleep at night and felt like my body and mind was itching in a way where scratching didn't help. I later read that going through a tough breakup the brain would react just like taking a cold turkey from drugs, and I think that was excacly what I was going through. And for more than six months after I could sit down for myself and cry about it. For those of you who watched "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" I felt just like when Will yet again was abandoned by his dad. To me my girlfriend at the time left me while I felt most vulnerable, and I felt like, she couldn't handle whatever I was going through, even though she was supposed to be there. A big thing to ask of someone - especially if they also are dealing with something - but if you truly love someone, I feel like you are supposed to be there. I certaintly was there for her. So I basically lost whatever confidence and trust I had left.

 

Of course I tried winning her back, and for those of you, who will try similar, don't! For a time I thought we could get back together, and stuff happened, but that also ended. It was also during this time that I ended up meeting the most special someone, I never thought I could meet. She and I went on a date shortly after, but as I was still struggling to move forward, it didn't go further than that. Instead I went on to build myself up again, which meant getting into my best shape ever, going out meeting new people and building up my confidence again. After 4 months of that I yet again met this girl, I had met 4 months prior, and all those reasons not to date was allthough not completely gone but diminished. So we started dating - lightly. She actually prefered going slowly to begin with, which I didn't mind at all. I still needed to build up my ability to ever trust someone again and my belief in that I wouldn't get - I say abandonned, cause that's how the breakup felt. Once that happened, things went on pretty quickly, and today we are now living together, and I am with interest studying to become a programmer, where there are tons of job waiting... and yet again I have found myself planning excactly how I am gonna propose - looking for someone to make the speech(lol). So put in short life is pretty darn good at the moment.

 

This was my story and now on to you... as the title states, it may not be what you want to hear... but it is what you need to hear. My first and only advice - brutal as it is - is to move on without looking back for a second. If all you want in your heart is go get back together, you need to move on. I know it sounds completely counterintuitive, but understand this: there is nothing to get back to - except for another heartbreak. Whatever struggles you had in your relationship - they will still be there, when you return. I know, what your are thinking - what if I magically change, cause I can be better... I can win my someone back. While it certainly is possible - and something people out there on the internet advertises about in exchange for money, which I find utterly and deeply despicable - ask yourself in all honesty, if it is worth it. If you in the matter of days make vast "improvements" to yourself, you are not doing the right thing. Instead of improving, you are manipulating things to happen. If you let that happen, you not only risk hurting those around you, but also risk loosing yourself completely. And that is not better.

Instead turn your back on the relationship. In my case I blocked my ex on all social media - both so the possibility of me stalking her and the change of her contacting me was less likely. Then you need to rebuild yourself, and you need to understand that it takes time and work... a lot of time and work. I can't tell you how long, cause that is deeply dependent on the person, but in my case I spent something like 8 months, before I was completely over it. And for all your hard work to actually work, you need to let go. I found that the hardest, for in order to let go, you let go of the hope that you will one day get back together. But you can't truly work on yourself and simultaneously look back and hope, you'll get back together. So if what you wish is to get back together, let go of that wish and embrace the possibility of opening your heart for someone else - again it is comepletely counterintuitive. In my case opening up my heart for someone else was the best thing, I could do. Not only does my current relationship give more meaning, I can also reflect back and think to myself: I was out of my mind being in that relationship with my ex. Being honest though, if my ex hadn't stopped the relationship, we would still be together, and I would still probably be happy. But would I change what I have now with what I had? No! Absolutely not in a thousand years.

 

So it was my story. I hope, you as a reader can use it to reflect upon in order to find comfort. No matter how far there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Be safe and be strong.

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3 hours ago, Jimraynorp said:

To me my girlfriend at the time left me while I felt most vulnerable, and I felt like, she couldn't handle whatever I was going through, even though she was supposed to be there. A big thing to ask of someone - especially if they also are dealing with something - but if you truly love someone, I feel like you are supposed to be there. I certaintly was there for her. So I basically lost whatever confidence and trust I had left.

Yes... you're right that healthy couples are still able to provide support to each other, even if or rather, when, the other is going through something, too.  And I say, "when," because it's guaranteed to happen at some point.

We've been through lots and lots of trials... they are a regular part of life because life is just so unpredictable.  He's lost a promotion... twice... years ago, at a time we really needed more income.  I stayed upbeat and positive and grateful for the things and job he still had, and just worked harder to make more money myself. 

He's gotten injured and had to deal with the mental block and frustration of going through that and coming back to normal, or a new-normal.  *And when he was injured, his work sent him to this strange place where other wives warned me, men tended to lose all hope and inspiration!  So this was a major thing, but we pulled through it fine, but both of us were kind with each other and I supported him emotionally/physically/mentally.

 I've been through crazy things with family members (finding out my brother has a serious mental illness being just one of the hardest things).  

But things like that will eventually come up in life if you're in a long-term relationship.  Sometimes you both will go through things that are hard at the same time, so it is a good thing she left since she for some reason, couldn't handle something that (in my mind) seems really minor.

Thanks for sharing this, I'm sure it will help other people!

Edited by maritalbliss86
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3 hours ago, Jimraynorp said:

Whatever struggles you had in your relationship - they will still be there, when you return. I know, what your are thinking - what if I magically change, cause I can be better... I can win my someone back.

This is so true.  This is a great post, OP.  

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  • 2 weeks later...

I went through the same emotions that you went through, Jimraynorp, but I'm talking about the demise of a 29 year marriage.  It will be almost 2 years now that I've been divorced and I still struggle.  I don't fully understand why.  Like you, I would never go back to the ex.  What I struggle with is the fact that he kicked me to the curb.  I occasionally throw myself pity parties but then I come to the realisation that I'm so much better off without him.  Still, I cannot seem to get passed the fact that he no longer wanted to be with me after all those years.  I cannot describe how much that hurts.

I am so very glad to learn that you found your person.  I wish you all the best.  You sound like a wonderful guy.

 

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On 1/1/2021 at 7:52 AM, Jimraynorp said:

It was also during this time that I ended up meeting the most special someone, I never thought I could meet. She and I went on a date shortly after, but as I was still struggling to move forward, it didn't go further than that. Instead I went on to build myself up again, which meant getting into my best shape ever, going out meeting new people and building up my confidence again. After 4 months of that I yet again met this girl, I had met 4 months prior, and all those reasons not to date was allthough not completely gone but diminished. So we started dating - lightly. She actually prefered going slowly to begin with, which I didn't mind at all. I still needed to build up my ability to ever trust someone again and my belief in that I wouldn't get - I say abandonned, cause that's how the breakup felt. Once that happened, things went on pretty quickly, and today we are now living together, and I am with interest studying to become a programmer, where there are tons of job waiting... and yet again I have found myself planning excactly how I am gonna propose - looking for someone to make the speech(lol). So put in short life is pretty darn good at the moment.

This is wonderfully filled with lots of hope. 🙂 It's great to know that you are doing really well at the moment and thanks for sharing your story with us!

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Thank you to all of you for responding!

 

On 1/1/2021 at 5:35 PM, maritalbliss86 said:

But things like that will eventually come up in life if you're in a long-term relationship.  Sometimes you both will go through things that are hard at the same time, so it is a good thing she left since she for some reason, couldn't handle something that (in my mind) seems really minor.

That is also one of the many reasons, I am glad, I found my current girlfriend. Not only is she more mentally capable of handling things like that, I think, she also care more about me than my ex. And yes, as you say, it is a good thing she left at the time, otherwise she probably would have left later in life, which only would have made it worse. But I don't know if one can call it minor, but that is a big discussion for itself. If she stopped loving me, then I can see, there wouldn't be any sense in staying. And there were more dysfunctiones than what I described - and probably even more than I was aware of after reflecting upon it. But I also think - because I was more mature and had experienced a long term relationship before - that she kinda expected a knight on a shining horse, with whom everything would be perfect. But it doesn't work like that. Allthough being with someone you love, it requires work and sacrifice.

 

On 1/9/2021 at 5:58 PM, goddess said:

I went through the same emotions that you went through, Jimraynorp, but I'm talking about the demise of a 29 year marriage.  It will be almost 2 years now that I've been divorced and I still struggle.  I don't fully understand why.  Like you, I would never go back to the ex.  What I struggle with is the fact that he kicked me to the curb.  I occasionally throw myself pity parties but then I come to the realisation that I'm so much better off without him.  Still, I cannot seem to get passed the fact that he no longer wanted to be with me after all those years.  I cannot describe how much that hurts.

I am so very glad to learn that you found your person.  I wish you all the best.  You sound like a wonderful guy.

 

I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling. Allthough understandable. My oldest friend told me during the breakup that going through a breakup was like loosing a relative, and it would take roughly half the time, one were together, to get over it. In my case it was almost half the time, so I think it is understandable that you are still struggling with the marriage lasting 29 years. Although I can't imagine what you must be going through, I think it is good to have someone, you know, you can rely on and have your back no matter what. It doesn't have to be a special someone, but it could be a friend or a relative.

And I think it is completely normal to miss what you had, even though you deeply don't want it. Our bodies constantly seek the things that satisfies us. That is why it is so much easier to lay on the couch and eat junkfood, cause it is satisfying... for a moment. It is not a thing that gives you long term happiness like exercising and eating right. But it is satisfying, and I think that is what you are dealing with. Parts of the relationship were great, which you miss, but you don't want to get back to it, and thats a big step in the right direction. As long as you are on the right path, I don't think occasionally throwing pity parties is necessarily a bad thing.

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