Jump to content

Guy I was dating broke it off saying he wasn’t over his ex


Yankeenoodle

Recommended Posts

I’d been dating a guy for about 4 months. (And around 5 months long distance due to covid) Things were excellent, he seemed really committed and we had excellent chemistry. He was the one who asked for exclusivity, asked me to meet his parents etc. Everything was perfect the last time we met.

He had then been acting distant for a few days (sudden drop in texting, no plans to meet for 3 weeks. I knew he was busy but didn’t say anything). Then when I finally called him out on it, he had a minor fight. We made up, made plans to meet the following weekend, then the next day he tells me he still has feelings for his ex (the one he wanted to marry) and he thought he had worked through them but they were just buried. He broke things off completely saying he feels horrrible about it, but he’d rather I know.

 

I don’t understand how feelings for his ex can just “resurface” like that? Was his reason to break things off just an excuse? Wouldn’t he have left some door open saying “we can reconnect later” if he did indeed like me? I thought things were going so well up until he started pulling away. 

 

I texted him a month after NC and got no response, so I guess I have my answer, but I’m still really heartbroken about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Yankeenoodle said:

He had then been acting distant for a few days (sudden drop in texting, no plans to meet for 3 weeks. I knew he was busy but didn’t say anything). Then when I finally called him out on it, he had a minor fight. We made up, made plans to meet the following weekend, then the next day he tells me he still has feelings for his ex (the one he wanted to marry) and he thought he had worked through them but they were just buried. He broke things off completely saying he feels horrrible about it, but he’d rather I know.

 

I don’t understand how feelings for his ex can just “resurface” like that? Was his reason to break things off just an excuse? Wouldn’t he have left some door open saying “we can reconnect later” if he did indeed like me? I thought things were going so well up until he started pulling away. 

My assumption is they got back in touch right around the time he started going distant with you. Maybe she reached out to him, maybe he reached out her. Maybe they bumped into each other and started talking. Something triggered it, and whatever it was, that's what brought his feelings for her to the surface again. 

There is no way of knowing if this was the real reason he broke things off, but it isn't really relevant, at the end of the day. He still evidently didn't feel right about continuing the relationship with you. And no, not everyone wants to reconnect later with someone they've just broken up with. I wouldn't read into that. 

It hurts, but his lack of response to you one month after the break-up is indeed your answer. 

Do you know how long they'd been broken up when he started dating you? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

My assumption is they got back in touch right around the time he started going distant with you. Maybe she reached out to him, maybe he reached out her. Maybe they bumped into each other and started talking. Something triggered it, and whatever it was, that's what brought his feelings for her to the surface again. 

There is no way of knowing if this was the real reason he broke things off, but it isn't really relevant, at the end of the day. He still evidently didn't feel right about continuing the relationship with you. And no, not everyone wants to reconnect later with someone they've just broken up with. I wouldn't read into that. 

It hurts, but his lack of response to you one month after the break-up is indeed your answer. 

Do you know how long they'd been broken up when he started dating you? 

Yeah. About 3 months. He was the dumpee.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Yankeenoodle said:

Yeah, about 3 months. He was the dumpee.

Unfortunately, you were the rebound. 

He was too fresh out of a serious relationship that he didn't choose to end. It sucks, and I can totally understand why you're hurt; however, it's an important reminder to steer clear of guys who were recently dumped. This is almost always how it ends up. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Unfortunately, you were the rebound. 

He was too fresh out of a serious relationship that he didn't choose to end. It sucks, and I can totally understand why you're hurt; however, it's an important reminder to steer clear of guys who were recently dumped. This is almost always how it ends up. 

I realize that now, thank you. I was inexperienced in dating and thought he knew what I was doing. 

 

In your experience, will there ever be a chance I hear from him down the line when he’s gotten over his ex? Like, we otherwise had great compatibility and similar life goals, and our chemistry was insane. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Yankeenoodle said:

In your experience, will there ever be a chance I hear from him down the line when he’s gotten over his ex? Like, we otherwise had great compatibility and similar life goals, and our chemistry was insane. 

In my experience, probably not. Not for anything serious, anyway. 

And it's not because there's anything wrong with you. It's because when folks rebound, they're in a world of pain and that person usually reminds them of the bad place they were in. When they're truly over their exes (if they haven't reconciled, that is) they tend to move on to completely new faces. 

And even if he did reach out, it's unlikely you'd ever really feel secure enough again with him for things to work out well. You'd always be wondering if he were about to bail again, and if he was still comparing you to his ex. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

In my experience, probably not. Not for anything serious, anyway. 

And it's not because there's anything wrong with you. It's because when folks rebound, they're in a world of pain and that person usually reminds them of the bad place they were in. When they're truly over their exes (if they haven't reconciled, that is) they tend to move on to completely new faces. 

And even if he did reach out, it's unlikely you'd ever really feel secure enough again with him for things to work out well. You'd always be wondering if he were about to bail again, and if he was still comparing you to his ex. 

Thank you for your honesty. It just crashed and burned so quickly, I’m finding it difficult to move on specially after he was the one actively pursuing me and leading me on. I appreciate your responses. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He didn't lead you on, he thought it was right. But as time wore on, reality kicks in, sometimes it takes one text or call from the ex or they heard the ex is engaged or something like that. It's quite normal for this to happen. I knew someone that jumped right into a marriage only after 6 months after getting out of a LTR. It didn't even lat a year. I don't think anyone wakes up one morning and says I'm going to lead someone on for 4 months while I get over my ex.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

He didn't lead you on, he thought it was right. But as time wore on, reality kicks in, sometimes it takes one text or call from the ex or they heard the ex is engaged or something like that. It's quite normal for this to happen. I knew someone that jumped right into a marriage only after 6 months after getting out of a LTR. It didn't even lat a year. I don't think anyone wakes up one morning and says I'm going to lead someone on for 4 months while I get over my ex.

I know, and he didn’t seem like the kind of guy to be intentionally leading someone on, he honestly probably thought he should date someone, met me and we were a really good match. So he jumped into something he wasn’t ready for. 

But the way he broke it off...I understand he’s not over his ex but would you let someone you can potentially have a great relationship go even though you’re not over your ex? Like, it makes me wonder if he will ever get in touch again once he’s had time to process his feelings. 

Im just trying to understand his thought process I guess.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is a permanent goodbye! Please - if someone can treat you as a rebound without so much as full disclosure early on or more awareness of his own feelings, this is a huge sign not to remain attached. Consider this completely over. 

Look for individuals who are more in tune with themselves emotionally. Red flag #1. Let go. 

Second, do the math when it comes to honesty. If anything seems shifty, it's Red flag #2. Read between the lines. 

Don't hold on to this person. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's no different when a man is having an affair. It all seems great and perfect at first, but when the OW is expecting him to leave his wife or he gets caught, that's when it all comes to reality...that he realizes he still loves his wife and goes running back to her.

I suspect he may reconcile with her, or in the process of doing so. I guess you have walk a mile in their shoes to truly understand.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Yankeenoodle said:

 would you let someone you can potentially have a great relationship go even though you’re not over your ex? 

Absolutely, yes. 

Because when you’re not over your ex? Nobody looks at great as they do. 

It isn’t logical, necessarily, but when you’re in that bad place after being dumped, nobody measures up to the ex. Despite how wonderful a new person is on paper, emotions don’t work that way. The heart and mind haven’t let go of the other person, and this is especially problematic if the ex pops back up again. 

My feeling is probably that she’s back in the picture somehow, which could also explain why he he ignored your attempt to reach out. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, Yankeenoodle said:

In your experience, will there ever be a chance I hear from him down the line when he’s gotten over his ex? 

Sorry this happened. Even though it was seemingly a great 12 weeks, keep in mind he was in touch with the ex the whole time trying to reconcile.

This is someone who lacks character and basically only worries about making himself feel better.

Unfortunately some people just careen through romances, leaving a lot of collateral damage.

The great thing here is that you know now never to date someone in the aftermath of a breakup, no matter how much they swear they're so over the ex .

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Yankeenoodle said:

 Things were excellent, he seemed really committed and we had excellent chemistry. He was the one who asked for exclusivity, asked me to meet his parents etc. Everything was perfect the last time we met.

Things moved way too fast- and his 'feelings' were not real.. sorry :(.

He was just projecting feelings onto you when he knew darn well he was still stuck on his BU.

Which is truly selfish!  Why people do this, I don't know.. but it messes the other person up.

Is called rebounding.. and it does usually come to an end within the few months it did with you.

Does not last long & ends as fast as it began.

 

Sorry you experienced all of this.. he deserves a smack :/.

 

Say no more.. expect no more.  he was no where near ready.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 12/31/2020 at 8:45 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Even though it was seemingly a great 12 weeks, keep in mind he was in touch with the ex the whole time trying to reconcile.

This is someone who lacks character and basically only worries about making himself feel better.

Unfortunately some people just careen through romances, leaving a lot of collateral damage.

The great thing here is that you know now never to date someone in the aftermath of a breakup, no matter how much they swear they're so over the ex .

Thank you for this perspective. I still feel a lot of guilt about how I handled things towards the end. I texted him and called him out on his lack of texting and initiative, but I might have come across as rude (I got really anxious). But I know the underlying reason was he wasn’t over his ex. But 4 months in person, and 5 months LDR and everything was fine when I got back. So like a total of 9 months and he STILL wasnt over his ex?

Is there no hope he will ever text me down the line? He didn’t even apologize properly, just said it isn’t fair to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's a bit of time, plus he wanted to marry her.   

He did not have enough time to process the break up, it also sounds like he was still in love with her.   I am sorry that he did this, it is very hurtful when someone uses another to get over an ex.   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

That's a bit of time, plus he wanted to marry her.   

He did not have enough time to process the break up, it also sounds like he was still in love with her.   I am sorry that he did this, it is very hurtful when someone uses another to get over an ex.   

True but given we were involved for nearly 9 months (and  5 months long distance), that still wasn’t enough time for him to process the breakup? He started dating me 3 months after he split up from his ex.

 

(sorry my phone is just making the font way bigger)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The problem is, is that you got involved too early-  he broke up because he was not over her.   Also, the fact that he was going to marry her, makes his healing time much longer.   This guy should not have gotten involved with anyone for about a year.

 

Please do not reach out to him again, I also would not consider reconnecting if he reaches out.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, Yankeenoodle said:

True but given we were involved for nearly 9 months (and  5 months long distance), that still wasn’t enough time for him to process the breakup? He started dating me 3 months after he split up from his ex.

Three months may not have been enough for him to get over his ex. Maybe he should have waited six months, or a year before getting into a new relationship. Everybody is different under these circumstances. 

It could be that during the nine months that you were together, he was able to distract himself from the pain of his breakup, and avoid addressing it. 

It could also be that he is just using his ex as an excuse, as you say.

I know that you are heartbroken, and I'm sorry for that. But I don't think it matters why he left, and it's not helping you to dwell on it. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

The problem is, is that you got involved too early-  he broke up because he was not over her.   Also, the fact that he was going to marry her, makes his healing time much longer.   This guy should not have gotten involved with anyone for about a year.

 

Please do not reach out to him again, I also would not consider reconnecting if he reaches out.  

Thank you. I had reached out once but got ignored. So I guess I have my answer. I appreciate the perspective 🙂

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I speak from experience.   My ex had been married for 20 years and said that the marriage should have ended years earlier.   He had been divorced for almost 5 years, but was no where over the relationship.  I am not saying this is common, just saying when someone is fresh out of a serious relationship, they are not in a place for anyone else.  Your ex should not have been dating.   If he does reach out at some point, it will not be the same.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I speak from experience.   My ex had been married for 20 years and said that the marriage should have ended years earlier.   He had been divorced for almost 5 years, but was no where over the relationship.  I am not saying this is common, just saying when someone is fresh out of a serious relationship, they are not in a place for anyone else.  Your ex should not have been dating.   If he does reach out at some point, it will not be the same.

I guess that was the reason he had been acting so distant before the breakup. After our little “fight”, when we made up he said everything was fine, and he hadn’t forgotten about me and we should hang out the following weekend, then 2 days later he breaks up saying he still has feelings for his ex

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...