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I feel like my boyfriend doesn't listen or think my feelings are important :(


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Hello, me and my boyfriend are both 25 and living together in my apartment. I have been ill all week with the flu. My boyfriend went to his parents to watch the football. I said to him I'm really not feeling to well and need my sleep if he feels as though he's bit too drunk or coming home late for him to stay at his parents for the night as he still has his bedroom there and once I'm awake i find it very hard to go back to sleep plus i have work at 8:30am. After me saying this he stumbled in at 2 in the morning couldn't even stand then was sick for half an hour and once he got into bed was snoring like crazy so all together i had 4 hours sleep.

 

I told him this morning " please don't talk to me I'm very tired and upset that you didn't consider me at all yesterday ".  When saying this he got angry spoke over me , slammed doors , mocked me and laughed in my face when I've tried to explain how I'm feeling. I said to him because of his behaviour i would message his mum to get him to go home for the night because I'm ill and don't need the stress as a result of that he try to take my phone out of my hand which hit my laptop screen and broke it. I was wondering am i overreacting with what i said or does anyone feel like I'm in the right?

I always feel like he doesn't listen to my feelings or that they are not important. He behaves the same as the above in every argument and then i get very angry and cry because he doesn't listen.

How can i get him to try see things from my point of view or listen to how I'm feeling?

Edited by Marta2018.
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  • Marta2018. changed the title to I feel like my boyfriend doesn't listen or think my feelings are important :(
45 minutes ago, Marta2018. said:

Hello, me and my boyfriend are both 25 and living together in my apartment. After me saying this he stumbled in at 2 in the morning couldn't even stand then was sick for half an hour

When saying this he got angry spoke over me , slammed doors , mocked me and laughed in my face when I've tried to explain how I'm feeling. I said to him because of his 

I'm ill and don't need the stress as a result of that he try to take my phone out of my hand which hit my laptop screen and broke it

Unfortunately, he's spoiled and abusive. Now it's escalating from mental abuse to destroying your property.

You need to tell him to move out immediately. He doesn't need notice in the case of violence. Get a restraining order against if necessary.

Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse, destruction of property and drunkenness.

You also need to research abusive relationships and this dynamic.

Change your locks, arrange a time for him to collect his belongings, then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, Marta2018. said:

When saying this he got angry spoke over me , slammed doors , mocked me and laughed in my face when I've tried to explain how I'm feeling. I said to him because of his behaviour i would message his mum to get him to go home for the night because I'm ill and don't need the stress as a result of that he try to take my phone out of my hand which hit my laptop screen and broke it. I was wondering am i overreacting with what i said or does anyone feel like I'm in the right?

I always feel like he doesn't listen to my feelings or that they are not important. He behaves the same as the above in every argument and then i get very angry and cry because he doesn't listen.

What are you doing with a jerk like this? 

Seriously, you know he is abusive. His mum can't help you. You can help you, by offloading this weasel and ending what sounds like a miserable relationship. 

Your call. 

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This guy is an azzhole and is abusive.   He does not respect or love you!  

Don't you realize that this is who he is.  You need to gain some self respect and kick him out.

 

Dump him!

Edited by Hollyj
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Please don't try to convince him of anything .It's not about a point of view-if he doesn't care to be supportive when you're sick that's your answer, the end.  He chose to get drunk and chose the consequences so please don't take him back with 'he's not himself when he's drunk."  Himself is a person who doesn't care that you're very sick, goes out and parties and behaves in a way that makes you worse.  

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He's not a person worth fixing things with. Is that all you think you deserve in life? A person who abuses alcohol? A person who is physically and emotionally abusive?

Being alone with your own good company is far better. Pamper yourself and learn to love yourself without a man. Only then will you be eventually ready to date again with success. You've learned what you don't want in a relationship. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to it. When you get time and distance away from this toxic person, you'll shake your head at why you stayed so long. I know that happened to me several times in my life. Take care.

Edited by Andrina
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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, he's spoiled and abusive. Now it's escalating from mental abuse to destroying your property.

You need to tell him to move out immediately. He doesn't need notice in the case of violence. Get a restraining order against if necessary.

Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse, destruction of property and drunkenness.

You also need to research abusive relationships and this dynamic.

Change your locks, arrange a time for him to collect his belongings, then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps 

 

He is a only child and his parents think that he is golden boy always seem to be involved in our relationship because he's gone back and told them stuff when we have arguments.

I've had two ex girlfriend's friends(all different circles and ages) telling me that his ex's say he's controlling and given me some scenarios where i slowly have seen shine through. He gets angry if i add anyone on social media says it's not a problem but slowly brings it up to the point I've come all of it for 4 months now to just avoid arguing. I've had friends purposely ask form him not to come to social events anymore because when he drinks he's intense and his jealous.

 

He has been the counselling this year alot has gotten much better but it's the communication that seems hard to do in a calm manner.

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5 minutes ago, Marta2018. said:

I've had two ex girlfriend's friends(all different circles and ages) telling me that his ex's say he's controlling and given me some scenarios where i slowly have seen shine through. He gets angry if i add anyone on social media says it's not a problem but slowly brings it up to the point I've come all of it for 4 months now to just avoid arguing. I've had friends purposely ask form him not to come to social events anymore because when he drinks he's intense and his jealous.

Where are your standards? 

 

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8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Girl, he is abusive plain and simple and it is not his parent’s fault. My son is an only child and I think he is the bees knees and he is not abusive. 

Yes, I wanted to comment on this point, too. 

My dad and my partner are both only children as well. Both were adored by their parents. Neither is abusive. 

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1 hour ago, Marta2018. said:

He is a only child and his parents think that he is golden boy always seem to be involved in our relationship because he's gone back and told them stuff when we have arguments.

I've had two ex girlfriend's friends(all different circles and ages) telling me that his ex's say he's controlling and given me some scenarios where i slowly have seen shine through. He gets angry if i add anyone on social media says it's not a problem but slowly brings it up to the point I've come all of it for 4 months now to just avoid arguing. I've had friends purposely ask form him not to come to social events anymore because when he drinks he's intense and his jealous.

 

He has been the counselling this year alot has gotten much better but it's the communication that seems hard to do in a calm manner.

He was worse and yet you stayed.  This guy is abusive!  Period! 
 

You have known who this guy is for a long time.  He is such a creep, that he is not allowed at parties and others are sharing their own horror stories. What attracts you to this dynamic?  
 

what do your friends and family advise? 

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He's an abuser with a drinking problem.

You don't need anyone to agree with you to end this relationship. You only need your own consent.

Imagine 30 more years with this man exactly as he is now. Does that make you feel loved, warm, safe, secure, content? Or does it make you feel anxious, stressed and a bit sick to your stomach?

BTW, I presume you've been tested for Covid and it was negative. Please do not go to work while sick with the flu and infect your coworkers! 

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1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

He was worse and yet you stayed.  This guy is abusive!  Period! 
 

You have known who this guy is for a long time.  He is such a creep, that he is not allowed at parties and others are sharing their own horror stories. What attracts you to this dynamic?  
 

what do your friends and family advise? 

I did because he got help and he also came out of a horrendous toxic relationship before me where his ex sent him pictures of hee hurting herself badly telling him to come home from a night out which i have sewn the messages with my own eyes and he had to sit in the passenger seat and look at floor beacuse if he even looked in a direction of another women she would rage punching windows of the car. 

 

Family don't know they love him and so do my little nieces. But my friends all dont really like him and dont want him around tbh  

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

He's an abuser with a drinking problem.

You don't need anyone to agree with you to end this relationship. You only need your own consent.

Imagine 30 more years with this man exactly as he is now. Does that make you feel loved, warm, safe, secure, content? Or does it make you feel anxious, stressed and a bit sick to your stomach?

BTW, I presume you've been tested for Covid and it was negative. Please do not go to work while sick with the flu and infect your coworkers! 

I honestly do think about that every do i want this as my future or even the father of my kids.   

He makes me feel loved and secure in some ways but in others not so much because throughout the year he has put him self in stupid situations with other women and can be quite flirty or he gets angry and completely brats out. 

Yes i have texted negative with covid its just the normal flu plus im working from home at the moment   

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10 minutes ago, Marta2018. said:

I think its because despite this moments he has he treats my like a princess more than any relationship i have been in. 

It's very sad that this jerk is the best you've ever experienced. I would have dumped his sorry arse a long time ago. 

Your own friends don't want him around, and it's obvious that you're hiding his real character from your family because they would tell you to get rid of him too. 

Where do you think your low standards come from, exactly? How's your self-esteem? 

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He needs to leave and the relationship should end. Be kind to yourself and let this go. It's not good. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why limit yourself this way? 

Focus on kindness and consideration, all those things you want for yourself in a healthy relationship. 

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2 minutes ago, Marta2018. said:

I honestly do think about that every do i want this as my future or even the father of my kids.    

Wait, what?

Do you really think he wouldn't turn his anger around on innocent children? Please, for the love of Pete, do not get pregnant by this man. 

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33 minutes ago, Marta2018. said:

I think its because despite this moments he has he treats my like a princess more than any relationship i have been in. I can be on my own as I've always enjoyed my own company especially after having my own space 

Girl that's the abuse cycle to keep you in. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years. It always starts out too good to be true, then jealousy, possessiveness starts to rear it's ugly head. You think "Oh that's him caring /loving me so much!" It's gets bad with the behavior and arguments, then they turn and be sweet and act like nothing happened or they say it won't happen again....but it does. You are at the point now, it's time to get out. All those ex GF can't be wrong if they are saying the same thing.

Edited by smackie9
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There's nothing normal or acceptable about this guy's behavior, and I'd send him back to his parents.

If you're willing to tolerate this by sticking with him to fight about it, you're teaching yourself the wrong things about your own value and what's acceptable to you.

You're not going to convince this guy of anything, really. Even if you manipulate him into kissing and making up, THIS is your future for the duration. It will only happen again and again until YOU are the next thing he slams.

I honestly hope that you are smarter than that. You deserve better.

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So he's an abusive cheater with a drinking problem who sometimes treats you well.

You have to take the bad with the good.  

Do you want your children to witness how he behaves when he's being abusive or when he's drunk?  Are you willing to stay away from your own family for the rest of your life because he won't behave like a decent human in front of them?

If all of that sounds like the relationship of your dreams, then I guess carry on.  But you really have no call to complain when you know what you're signing up for.

If you're not OK with all of that, the only option is to free yourself from this man.

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