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My Girlfriend suddenly broke up with me just after her mother died.


lohan
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I am a gentleman of 28 yrs, fully self-sustained. I have had a very successful relationship with a young girl of 19. the age gap did not create any problem for our past 12 months of dating. we gradually evaluated our love and it has always been growing. It was a fair and fine love full of respects and fun  according to both of us.

three months ago she told me her mum was diagnosed with cancer and I came to realize it was a terminal breast cancer . Our last day meeting before the death of her mum was Nov 1st,  and her love to me was still 100%. Then it came to pass that her mum died on nov 9th. She started grieving and that is alright. I tried to be close to her, supported her even on the burial day. I could then see her feelings for  everything vanished. 
 

On Dec 22, She sent an audio script me requesting to breakup that she is out Romantic feeling for me and that there is nothing I could do to keep it. I was in shock because I did not expect such a heavy blocker all of a sudden. I tried to call for a meeting and she accepted. We had a conversation vis-a-vis twice. the decision from her was that we stop all communication because she was not ready to lie to me. but later we agree to keep part of it for little of communication. we said maybe once a month. she asked me only to talk about her school and no more.  (I was actually her good career mentor, besides a boy friend)

I am confused, I am broken as even from her, I never disappointed her in any way. all the good memories we had together are burning me alive.

I will enjoy your advice, should I fight to leave her completely, is this something that can stabilize in a near future?  any advice.

Edited by lohan
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That has got to be a big trauma for her. It sounds like it was a fairly quick demise and loss, so no doubt she is reeling. 

Having said that, there is not much you can do is she's chosen to end the relationship. The way she tried to cut off all contact but then conceded infrequent contact and only about school hints that you perhaps tired to bargain and renegotiate with her and she's frustrated with you. She's drawing some hard boundaries and I am curious what would prompt that. What was your response when she ended it?  Also, what qualifies you to be her career mentor- what do you mean by that? 

I wonder too why she opted for a voice note break-up, and whether that's a function of her age/immaturity, or her way of avoiding conflict with you. 

She seems very firm in her decision. Her grief may indeed play a role in this, but she is also very young. Whether or not you believe that wasn't an issue, it's unlikely that such a young woman would be ready to settle down any time soon. She's just entering the adult world, while you're nearly 30. That's a difficult gap to manage because you're naturally in very different stages of your life. I think you are going to need to accept that this relationship is over, and work on healing. 

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1 hour ago, lohan said:

  we agree to keep part of it for little of communication. we said maybe once a month.

she asked me only to talk about her school and no more.  I was actually her  career mentor, besides a boy friend

Sorry to hear that. Was she a student where you are or a trainee where you work?

All you can do is give her the space she needs to grieve.

It seems she agreed to communicate once a month but only in regard to the mentoring program.

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Despite popular belief, adolescence does not end at age 18. It actually persists through mid-20s.

So by definition, the only thing that's constant in the life of an adolescent is change.

I would back off and accept that the only way that either of you can trust any future choice she might make in your favor would be for it to come from her--without your influence.

Head high, and read my sig.

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I guess you are right. I am trying to be better alone. this is my second week. but it still hurts. I am trying to erase all physical memories but the mental ones are still fresh, imagine me deleting 1000+ pictures.  And I am glad I am able (gladually) to forgive her in my heart.

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All I can share is that when I lost my Mom, I lost a part of myself.  The grief was so immense it took everything I had to just to take care of myself and get through the day.  There wasn't anything left for anyone else.

I ended a couple peripheral friendships in it's wake.  They were very one sided to to being with.  I cleaned house, so to speak.  I didn't see any of this coming, but it just unfolded.

My relationship survived.  He is pretty intuitive and knew to give me space to work through what I needed to.

I am sorry this happend.  Give her the space she's asked for.  She may or may not return.

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You can keep photos on an external hard drive. Don't do anything too quickly that you may not be comfortable with especially in the recovery process right after a break up.... I'm sorry to hear about her mum. Keeping you both in my thoughts. 

Leave the break up for now and make a suggestion that you need a break away from being her career mentor. This may not be the best choice for you and you're overextending yourself in a role that has expired. If it's a casual set up and nothing to do with credits or there's no contractual obligation, think of your emotional needs first. 

 

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On 12/29/2020 at 8:26 PM, reinventmyself said:

All I can share is that when I lost my Mom, I lost a part of myself.  The grief was so immense it took everything I had to just to take care of myself and get through the day.  There wasn't anything left for anyone else.

I ended a couple peripheral friendships in it's wake.  They were very one sided to to being with.  I cleaned house, so to speak.  I didn't see any of this coming, but it just unfolded.

My relationship survived.  He is pretty intuitive and knew to give me space to work through what I needed to.

I am sorry this happend.  Give her the space she's asked for.  She may or may not return.

The good thing is that I am Leaving for another country (prepared far before the 💔 breakup), for a minimum for 3 years for work. Hope I will be able to provide more than the space Shee needs and I get time to heal. 

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After my brother died, I had nothing for anyone for at least a year.   She is dealing with a lot and is incapable of dealing with much of anything.  

I'm sorry that this happened .  I think for your own sanity, you should terminate your mentorship.  

Time will heal.  

Edited by Hollyj
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My dad died 21 years ago, and it still hurts. My life totally change after he was gone, it blew my family apart. Who I was, how I felt, my perspective....it all changed. So sorry but, it's bad timing. I agree she's so young to lose her mother....she won't be there to see her get married or see her grandchildren. That's a lot to take in for someone her age.

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On 12/29/2020 at 10:31 PM, Rose Mosse said:

You can keep photos on an external hard drive. Don't do anything too quickly that you may not be comfortable with especially in the recovery process right after a break up.... I'm sorry to hear about her mum. Keeping you both in my thoughts. 

Leave the break up for now and make a suggestion that you need a break away from being her career mentor. This may not be the best choice for you and you're overextending yourself in a role that has expired. If it's a casual set up and nothing to do with credits or there's no contractual obligation, think of your emotional needs first. 

 

Thank you very much. I can feel a depression I have for just a girl friend loss. This is my second week but I feel do not want to do anything. it is really deep. It is helping me understanding her in some context. for her, it was even much and much loss (her mum) for such an age.

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