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Some advice or opinions please :)


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She said she wanted to break up our 5y relationship at the start of September, I was absolutely distraught, but I already understood and recognised I had not been the man she knew for the previous 4 years and was starting to sort it out. I was depressed and emotionally absent because I had had several bad things happen to me, my absent father of 30yrs returned and then disappeared on me, my health dived and Covid hit me financially hard for examples. This led to my general behaviour being poor and literally everything about me was not of my previous high standard including basic things like how I dressed, groomed and so on. I treat her poorly, snapping at her asking me stupid questions and just neglecting her, I took her for granted and so on. I had fallen off the pedestal she had me on. I could tell for a while and felt so alone, I could feel the drain on our relationship and it made me resent her and this toxicity crept in to everything. On the other side, she had become the most attractive and confident she has ever been in life, finally loosing her excess weight and so on. I'd spend many years nurturing her and encouraging her before I went 'away'.

We spend the next 3 weeks in hell 'trying' to fix it, I was so confused, she seemed to be too sometimes, by saying things like the love feelings are coming back, no we are breaking up but balling her eyes out saying we'll be best friends forever. In these 3 weeks we went on holiday, we had many days out, I made romantic meals, bought small presents and so on, which had been lacking. But I obviously appeared pathetic and unattractive, in contrast to myself in the past. A big mistake, those 3 weeks, in some ways, as it made most things worse really, as it just turned into a long, intense and confined breakup. But one thing I see as a positive that came of this, is it turned out she had fallen for another guy who she had been forming an emotional attachment to, for many months, talking via Facebook at all hours and having lunch together at work. I found this out by just feeling like something is not adding up and I checked her phone briefly, saw just mild flirting spanning months and saw she was feeding this guy every bit of information about our situation and humiliating me really, borderline mocking me for being so upset and so on. I confronted her. I could tell she was telling lies and eventually I coaxed the truth out of her after much discussion/arguing over several days. She fancied him, in her words. Her only concern, seemingly was for him and she was extremely worried that I would beat this guy up. She had so little respect for me evidently now, I did not trust what she told me, so I calmly and in an open fair and as friendly as possible manor, confronted this other guy. It came about that it was mostly one sided, he had no friends and was happy to talk to her, she is ''not his type''. As far as I can tell nothing really happened and they were genuinely friends from his point of view. I told him the truth and this guy told me he would disappear and not contact my partner, as of October this was still the case, she confirmed this to me with a scornful reply when I asked, saying how gutted she was and that I got my revenge.

Anyway. Despite her (mild maybe) betrayal, that I feel partly responsible for causing in all honesty, I love that woman more than myself and life itself. That is not healthy I know. I have been working very hard on improving myself and correcting this. I tried spending time with other women but I can't do it, I feel sick inside and cant open myself up to them.

I tried so hard to prevent the breakup which I regret in some ways, I apologised to say the least, but all I did was push her further away by trying to convince her with words, not getting anywhere and then getting frustrated and slowly moving out of our place. I did almost everything wrong really, I did not beg but I told her I love her so much she eventually just rolled her eyes, ignored me or straight up tried to avoid me. I ended up doing things that just made me look manipulative, I talked to her parents first, apologising for some reason and giving them my side briefly, they were so upset they wouldn't talk to her for a few days when she really needed them, I talked too much to mutual friends and so on.

I want to marry this woman and make a family with her one day. I feel like all that can happen though is for her to reach out to me eventually and break the no contact properly because I don't think I could fully trust her again if she did not initiate contact and apologise for her part in the demise of our relationship. Is that wrong, any advice?

Felling pretty low today, I felt yesterday like I finally accepted that that person I loved no longer exists and cried a lot in the night but was ready to let what will be, be. But today she came up to me for the first time in about 2 months and asked if I had had a nice Christmas. She will know I did not. But also asked about my living arrangements. What is that about ?! Should I play it cool and wait for her to interact with me? I'm still blocked on everything I think.

Both early 30's by the way, if that makes any difference.

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Okay, slow down. No more talking to her parents or her friends. This is inappropriate and it will make you feel worse. There is nothing fair about trying to explain your side of your story to her family or friends. This is manipulative and controlling as it appears that you're trying to win favours and get people on your side to see your point of view. It backfires badly. Give the break up space and both of you time to breathe. There's a lot of resentment because you're trying too hard to control the situation. Let it be. You can't control anyone. 

The only thing you can do that is fair to both of you (most of all, yourself), is to keep focusing on your own self-development and pay attention to your emotions and thoughts. Any time you feel the urge to control the situation or change what it is, check yourself. The break up has happened. Stay respectful and don't keep trying to change this. 

When you start understanding that you can't trust someone or feel that the trust or respect has eroded in a relationship, try stepping back. Don't push forward. You didn't feel comfortable about a few things. Trust your instincts. Never ever override your instincts. 

Keep working on you. Things will start to clear up soon. I promise. That focus though needs to be on you and your future from now on, without her. Keep looking forwards.

 

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Sorry this happened. What did she mean by "living arrangements"?

Unfortunately the relationship was unraveling for quite some time.

She should have ended it sooner rather than seeking attention elsewhere.

Take this time to go to a physician for an evaluation and a referral to a therapist. It would be best to address any physical or mental health issues.

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To give you my fair assessment of what you wrote, I don't think this relationship has a chance. I feel it is truly over, I'm sorry for that.

 You and she have both made mistakes that caused this whole thing to go wrong and it's not reversible.

The best you can do now, is to try to find acceptance that it's over. Mourn the loss, and find ways to let go and to move on.

 

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