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My boyfriend broke up with me


andell
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My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday because he’s going through some personal problems with his family to do with his 3 close family members dying within the space of a few months. 
he said he wanted to be friends but this is my first heartbreak and the love that was and still is there is unexplainable. I’m not sure of what to do. 
 

we have been through a lot of drama worse than this one and still came out strong. I can see he’s hurting over something but he doesn’t want to talk about it but I still want to be there for him because I still love and care for him. 
 

do I text him and let him know that I’ll give him the space he needs but I will check up on him (because I’m worried about his mental health and when we broke up it didn’t feel like we were both on the same page) or leave it?

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Did he ask you to check up on him? 

If not, you need to respect his wishes.  You need to allow him to come to you if and when he's ready.

Remember, his grief is not about you.  So please don't try to make the situation about you.

Leave it alone, send him a message wishing him a Happy New Year and do NOT add in that you will always be there for him.  Just a simple Happy New Year.

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Nah he didn’t ask me to check up on him and I guess you’re right 

It’s just that the call we had for the breakup didn’t end well. He was thinking I was trying to get him to still stay in the relationship with me when I just wanted to understand what he was expecting me to do. I don’t want him thinking that I’m not there for him or that I’m going to move on just like that 

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45 minutes ago, andell said:

Nah he didn’t ask me to check up on him and I guess you’re right 

It’s just that the call we had for the breakup didn’t end well. He was thinking I was trying to get him to still stay in the relationship with me when I just wanted to understand what he was expecting me to do. I don’t want him thinking that I’m not there for him or that I’m going to move on just like that 

He was expecting you to give him space. He cannot be responsible for your happiness right now. Leave him be. Let him deal with his grief and live your life. He may circle back when he is not so overwhelmed...or not. He may feel quite numb about a lot right now

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1 hour ago, andell said:

He was thinking I was trying to get him to still stay in the relationship with me when I just wanted to understand what he was expecting me to do. I don’t want him thinking that I’m not there for him or that I’m going to move on just like that 

 

1 hour ago, andell said:


 

do I text him and let him know that I’ll give him the space he needs but I will check up on him (because I’m worried about his mental health and when we broke up it didn’t feel like we were both on the same page) or leave it?

He ended the relationship for a variety of reasons and you said yourself, he felt you were trying to keep him in the relationship.

He didn't ask for space.   He wanted to end it. 

So, a plan to insert yourself and check up on him is just more of the same, isn't it?

Having said that, I am sorry.  It's typical for our brains and heart to scan scenarios that provide us an excuse to stay attached.  Letting go is never easy, but often necessary.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Thank you guys for your advice! I’ll just send a happy New Years message but just leave it at that. 
I know how he is and i can see he is hurting and going through personal issues and this is a natural thing for him to do (pushing people away). 
im hoping he knows I’ll always support him 

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You can choose to hang back and that is still a form of support if you allow someone to make their own decisions or mistakes or whatever he needs to do for himself. The point is that you are no longer in a relationship. The caretaking aspect and involvement as partners ends. 

Most break ups still have some form of residual (emotional) attachment and it lingers for awhile. This is what moves many people to suggest staying friends. It rarely works. If you really do care for each other, love each other enough to let go permanently. 

Take care of yourself a bit more and focus less on supporting him. The person who needs the most support from you right now is ..you.

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This is your break up too, and your feelings matter as well. You must be going through a lot of heartache as well, and I am sorry for that.

Ending are never easy, especially when you didn't want them to end.

I don't think there is anything wrong at all with telling him Happy New Year and reminding him that you're there for him if he needs.

If your heart needs to say the words as part of coping and knowing you said it, then so be it. BUT just don't have high expectations of him contacting you, or sitting around waiting till you hear from him. If you do, you may have a lot more disappointment and heartache in the future.

Losing loved ones like that is traumatic. It can change a person. Right now he is trying to figure out how to deal with all of it and is in deep mourning.

No one and nothing can fix that for him. He needs his own space and time to work it out and to find his footing again.

But you're trying to find your way through heartache too and if you need to gently remind him that you're there for him, then do so. But no long message, no pressure and no expectations.

I know it's so hard and it more than likely doesn't feel fair for either one of you. Do your best to heal in your own time and to keep moving forward, best you can.

Edited by SherrySher
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8 hours ago, andell said:

. I don’t want him thinking that I’m not there for him or that I’m going to move on just like that 

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating?

Unfortunately he wants you to move on and let go.

This means stop contacting him. 

Take this time to reflect on what you want in a relationship.

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10 hours ago, andell said:

 He was thinking I was trying to get him to still stay in the relationship with me when I just wanted to understand what he was expecting me to do. I don’t want him thinking that I’m not there for him or that I’m going to move on just like that 

He isn't expecting you to do anything. 

I doubt he thinks you're going to move on just like that; to be honest, it probably isn't a concern for him at this time. When someone is breaking up with you, they're generally not that worried about whether you move on or not. They're tacitly giving you the all-clear to do so by ending the relationship. Are you projecting a little here, perhaps? And worried he is going to move on?

I can see why you're hurting too, to be very clear. It sucks when you didn't see it coming and don't want it to end, especially at this time of year. It's human to try to hang on, even if it's not the best move. But, he is indicating that he wants to be alone and isn't asking for support or for you to wait for him. I see nothing wrong with wishing him a Happy New Year but I would also work towards letting go. 

Out of curiosity, how had you relationship been going prior to this? 

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8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

He isn't expecting you to do anything. 

I doubt he thinks you're going to move on just like that; to be honest, it probably isn't a concern for him at this time. When someone is breaking up with you, they're generally not that worried about whether you move on or not. They're tacitly giving you the all-clear to do so by ending the relationship. Are you projecting a little here, perhaps? And worried he is going to move on?

I can see why you're hurting too, to be very clear. It sucks when you didn't see it coming and don't want it to end, especially at this time of year. It's human to try to hang on, even if it's not the best move. But, he is indicating that he wants to be alone and isn't asking for support or for you to wait for him. I see nothing wrong with wishing him a Happy New Year but I would also work towards letting go. 

Out of curiosity, how had you relationship been going prior to this? 

Our relationship was actually great considering it was long distance. I’m not surprised he’s done this because he naturally likes to deal with his issues alone. And you are right he told me he didn’t want me to wait for him but at the same time he did? 
I don’t know if he’ll move on or if he’ll even try to because he was saying I was the best thing that happened to him but he thinks I could do better. 
Idk if this is him thinking I’m going to hurt him so he’s leaving before that happens?

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11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating?

Unfortunately he wants you to move on and let go.

This means stop contacting him. 

Take this time to reflect on what you want in a relationship.

It’s been 8 months

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13 hours ago, SherrySher said:

This is your break up too, and your feelings matter as well. You must be going through a lot of heartache as well, and I am sorry for that.

Ending are never easy, especially when you didn't want them to end.

I don't think there is anything wrong at all with telling him Happy New Year and reminding him that you're there for him if he needs.

If your heart needs to say the words as part of coping and knowing you said it, then so be it. BUT just don't have high expectations of him contacting you, or sitting around waiting till you hear from him. If you do, you may have a lot more disappointment and heartache in the future.

Losing loved ones like that is traumatic. It can change a person. Right now he is trying to figure out how to deal with all of it and is in deep mourning.

No one and nothing can fix that for him. He needs his own space and time to work it out and to find his footing again.

But you're trying to find your way through heartache too and if you need to gently remind him that you're there for him, then do so. But no long message, no pressure and no expectations.

I know it's so hard and it more than likely doesn't feel fair for either one of you. Do your best to heal in your own time and to keep moving forward, best you can.

Thank you! I think you’re right we’re both hurting in some way maybe him more than me. Thank yiu so much for your advice 

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