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My boyfriend does not want to spend New Years with me


Juno43
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My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 3 months. I work, he is inbetween jobs at the moment and paying rent with savings. I was working Christmas eve and day, so he decided to go to his family home the week before Christmas. This hurt a little but I understood, he didn't want to spend Christmas day waiting for me from work, and his family paid part for a taxi for me to come see him on Christmas day after work.

I am now back home, and I was expecting my partner to come with me to spend New Years eve and day together. I have both these days off, and there's not much point (I thought!) Going out as in the UK pubs won't be open till midnight. He doesn't want to spend the days with me, not because he wants to spend it with family, but his friends, drinking outside. 

He told me this the day after Christmas, and I was upset and told him so. This has not changed his mind, even though he also has said he knows it's not a nice thing to do. It is likely the UK will have another lockdown soon due to the high infection rate here, so he says he wants to be with his friends before he can't see them for a month or two. Is that fair?

 

It would be fine any other year - but my friends, quite predictably, aren't meeting up because its a pandemic so I will be alone. His family were a bit incredulous too that he wouldn't be spending it with me - I couldn't spend it with him last year as I was working. I can't spend it with my family for a myriad of reasons. He knows that I will be alone.

Is it fair to be as annoyed as I am? We have just moved in, but it's really making me question it all

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15 minutes ago, Grimez said:

My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 3 months. I work, he is inbetween jobs at the moment

He doesn't want to spend the days with me, not because he wants to spend it with family, but his friends, drinking outside. 

 It is likely the UK will have another lockdown soon due to the high infection rate here, so he says he wants to be with his friends before he can't see them for a month or two.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he puts you at great risk with irresponsible behavior. You'll have  to ask him to quarantine at his parents for several days after his drinking without masks in a group of people.

How long have you been dating? Is he looking for work?

Edited by Wiseman2
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That's really intelligent to go to the bars at the height of Covid!   Good grief.  So selfish!

 

Boyfriend does not sound very smart, nor does it sound like he values you.     I'm certain that this is not the only incident where he has demonstrated a lack of care and love.  

 

Time to find a new bf!  Expect more for yourself, sister.

Edited by Hollyj
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8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You'll have  to ask him to quarantine at his parents for several days after his drinking without masks in a group of people.

How long have you been dating? Is he looking for work?

This is what also is annoying, I got tested before I went to theirs and have been socially distancing to reduce my risk to them and myself,  and it is concerning he is still mingling. 

Coming up to two years, and he is but not really proactively, we have just graduated University and he tutors, but he feels he wants a break before a proper job 

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I can see it from both sides, you want to stay home safe, and he wants to socialize with some of his friends. You both have pick your choices so let it be. This Covid thing has created the great divide in relationships BUT either you accept, or end it. There is nothing else you can do about it. Me I would would reassess the relationship. There is this, and his lack of work ethic to get out there and earn a living. I'm sure there are other things too that is making it difficult for you to be hanging on.

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6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I can see it from both sides, you want to stay home safe, and he wants to socialize with some of his friends. You both have pick your choices so let it be. This Covid thing has created the great divide in relationships BUT either you accept, or end it. There is nothing else you can do about it. Me I would would reassess the relationship. There is this, and his lack of work ethic to get out there and earn a living. I'm sure there are other things too that is making it difficult for you to be hanging on.

Yes I suppose so but there is also the issue I am not invited to spend New years eve with them. It was made very clear that I was not. Sorry, I realise I didn't make this clear in my original post

Edited by Juno43
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His selfishness could end with both of you sick with covid.  I'd be really concerned about a guy who would hang out with buddies drinking, when we are in a pandemic.  England has some pretty strict rules now and it sounds like he is going to break them with friends.  

It's selfish he didnt invite you along on this potential fiasco.  You need to rethink this relationship.

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I would really be rethinking the relationship, in your shoes. I don't really think this has anything to do with the pandemic, honestly, but simply to do with him being young, selfish, and not yet mature enough to understand that partnership only really works if you have it in you to consider your partner (their life, their feelings, their time) in making choices. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Juno43 said:

He told me this the day after Christmas, and I was upset and told him so. This has not changed his mind, even though he also has said he knows it's not a nice thing to do. It is likely the UK will have another lockdown soon due to the high infection rate here, so he says he wants to be with his friends before he can't see them for a month or two. Is that fair?

I don't know how much of an argument you can make for fairness, especially when 1) he didn't spend the Christmas holiday with you, 2) he knows you're upset about him spending New Year's with his friends and not you, 3) he knows you're concerned about getting Covid, 4) you're not invited and are actually being excluded--forcing you to spend the holiday by yourself, and 5) he can hang out with his friends any time between New Year's and now.

Also, he's living with you and not actively pursuing fulltime employment? Ridiculous.

I think you should end this relationship and tell him to move back in with his family. 

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And why did you move in together?

Honestly, i think it was unfair to expect him to sit home on Christmas when you were working. 

I think that it also is not fair to expect him to sit in the apartment for New Year's day and eve holding your hand the whole time, but you should have been included in the plans.

I think that its not a case, though, where you are amazing and he is a bum.  I think its 80% him and 20% you --the you part -- did you head this off and say "how would you like to ring in the New Year together? when you knew you would be working Christmas.  If you just sat and sort of "set a trap" for him - didn't express the desire for plans, but was just waiting if he gave 'the right answer ' - then that's not fair either.

what did he do for last Christmas?  and New Year's? Did you spend the whole time together or did you spend time with your family and he spend time with his?

Its up to you -- if you want this to be the straw that broke the camel's back, fine, but you need to also learn how to express your wishes and leave out the tit for tat (he owes your for Christmas).

 

 

 

 

 

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The thing I would be really upset about is the fact that he knows you'll be all alone on New Year's Eve but he hasn't invited you to join him and his friends. To me that shows that he doesn't really care about you or your feelings. And also that he doesn't include you in his life. There doesn't seem to be any reason why you can't come along with them other than that he's selfish and wants to exclude you. I mean, it's a no brainer that you should be invited. 

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Not sure why you started the post with him paying the rent with savings. Are we supposed to feel sorry for him?  The fact of the matter is that you are not invited to spend New Year’s with him.  

I joined ENA approximately 10 years ago because the boyfriend who was living with me rent free in a home owned by my father decided to take off on his birthday weekend without me (also a “long” weekend in the summer).  I waited around for 3 days expecting him to come home.  Guess what I decided to do on day 3?  I changed the locks of the house.  Boy was he surprised when he finally came home on the Monday evening.  I asked ENA if it was the right thing to do.  In hindsight, yes it was.

Please do not waste any more time with someone who doesn’t want to invite you to a holiday.  You can thank me later.  It has nothing to do with COVID.

 

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

To me that shows that he doesn't really care about you or your feelings.

Agreed. Who wants a partner who doesn't care for their feelings? You should reserve that position in your life for someone who cares. Never give it to someone who drags you down and makes you feel bad. This is the perfect time to start a new year off right. Don't waste another minute.

1 hour ago, sadchick83 said:

Guess what I decided to do on day 3?  I changed the locks of the house.  Boy was he surprised when he finally came home on the Monday evening.

Great move!

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

The thing I would be really upset about is the fact that he knows you'll be all alone on New Year's Eve but he hasn't invited you to join him and his friends. To me that shows that he doesn't really care about you or your feelings. And also that he doesn't include you in his life. There doesn't seem to be any reason why you can't come along with them other than that he's selfish and wants to exclude you. I mean, it's a no brainer that you should be invited. 

I agree with this ^ 

These are strange times and things can get pretty divisive.  Covid, logistics, family and working aside, the deal breaker for me is he has chosen to deliberately exclude you from his plans.  This is not a partner.  Certainly not one that cares about you.

I am sorry.

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21 hours ago, Juno43 said:

Yes I suppose so but there is also the issue I am not invited to spend New years eve with them. It was made very clear that I was not. Sorry, I realise I didn't make this clear in my original post

Well there you go. You are not part of his life, he's pushing you out. Some would say this type of action is a coward trying to create a breakup, they just don't want to do it themselves.

As they say the writing is on  the wall.

Edited by smackie9
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Being accountable to each other is paramount a healthy, mature partnership. Instead of telling a partner how it's going to be for major, important stuff, there needs to be a discussion and consensus. He is acting like a single person, so that's what he should be.

And since he's supposed to be accountable to you by sharing finances, he shouldn't be so naive as to think a phenomenal career can be had at the snap of his fingers when he's done with his break. He's being childish in work ethics. What would happen when his savings dried up and he's still jobless? You'll be the one paying all the bills while he acts like he's the victim of bad timing and poor job opportunities.

Take this as a youthful lesson learned about your "starter" relationship. It's taught you about who is not the ideal partner, and the experience will prepare you for better vetting in future dating prospects.

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If he's not on your lease, I'd tell him to stay with his family and live there.

If he's on your lease, I'd negotiate to make it worth his while to get off the lease and go live with his family.

This isn't a guy who's ready to leave adolescence and become an adult partner, so why pretend?

You can't force someone to want what he doesn't want. And in your shoes, I'd want better for myself than THAT.

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