Feeling worried and confused, do I like the guy?!

[Charlie19]

Hi everyone,

I hope you're all okay and have had a lovely Christmas despite the current state of the world!

Sorry if it's a long one... I'm 21 and the guy I'm dating is 23.

I've been dating him four months now. Sometimes we've gone two weeks between seeing each other due to covid. By the time it comes to seeing him again I'm nervous and don't want to go but I relax as soon as I'm with him.

I think that I really like this guy, but I like him so much that it's scaring me and I'm thinking of ways to get out. I've not had a relationship for three years and in the three years I've dated a lot. I tend to run from guys that like me back and cling to guys that don't actually want me for anything other than sex.

This guy is amazing, he's just so nice, we have so much in common and have a laugh together. Plus there's so much chemistry.

He's not my usual type looks wise and he isn't the funniest guy I've been with. I find myself hyper focusing on his flaws despite how he makes me feel. If I start feeling like I'm missing him I panic and won't reply to his messages. I hate feeling like I need or want someone.

I just feel like I need some advice on how to stop myself from running! I don't want to lose this guy but my brain keeps finding reasons I should go. Perhaps I don't even like him that much?! I keep thinking I wouldn't feel like this if he were the right guy, but I think I'll feel this way for every guy I date!

I'm just so confused, this is the exact reason why I stay away from dating 😞

[Batya33]

So in the past have you gone for unavailable men -either not single or they blow hot and cold with you so you're excited by the challenge of it? Seems so -but the excitement you feel from those guys has nothing to do with potential love or compatibiity -it's the thrill of the chase - so it's safe -you never really have to be close to that person because they're not available to you and certainly don't want to be committed to you for the long term.

 

 What do you mean by "nice" - is he insecure or passive? Does he just go along with whatever you want to do?  What's so amazing about him? Is he amazing for you or just "amazing on paper?" How does he show he likes you back? Does he keep you on your toes in a good way -meaning is he confident enough in himself that you know if you crossed a line -you know - said something thoughtless or acted in a flaky way -he'd call you on it - I mean politely call you on it but not just "let it go" no matter what?

[Charlie19]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So in the past have you gone for unavailable men -either not single or they blow hot and cold with you so you're excited by the challenge of it? Seems so -but the excitement you feel from those guys has nothing to do with potential love or compatibiity -it's the thrill of the chase - so it's safe -you never really have to be close to that person because they're not available to you and certainly don't want to be committed to you for the long term.

 

 What do you mean by "nice" - is he insecure or passive? Does he just go along with whatever you want to do?  What's so amazing about him? Is he amazing for you or just "amazing on paper?" How does he show he likes you back? Does he keep you on your toes in a good way -meaning is he confident enough in himself that you know if you crossed a line -you know - said something thoughtless or acted in a flaky way -he'd call you on it - I mean politely call you on it but not just "let it go" no matter what?

Oh no I never date anyone in a relationship, I tend to stick around for the guys that blow hot and cold. Or I guess I used to, the last year I've stayed away from any guy that seems like trouble because I know deep down I want a real relationship, I really want stability with one man.

He's lovely and thoughtful. I was feeling ill for one of our dates and I told him but we didn't want to cancel. He bought blankets and pillows and chocolate for me so we could chill and talk in his car if I felt too unwell on the date. He's really confident and that may be one of the best things about him, he doesn't care what people think, he'll just be silly and funny wherever he is. He makes me feel comfortable and secure. 

He would 100% call me out on something if I said something wrong or out of line. He says what he wants to do too, if I want to watch something or go somewhere and he doesn't, he will say. That kind of thing.

I guess I haven't been dating him for long enough to know if he is amazing for me or just amazing on paper. I'm not quite sure how to tell if he's just amazing on paper or if we actually work together 🙄

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Charlie19 said:

Oh no I never date anyone in a relationship, I tend to stick around for the guys that blow hot and cold. Or I guess I used to, the last year I've stayed away from any guy that seems like trouble because I know deep down I want a real relationship, I really want stability with one man.

He's lovely and thoughtful. I was feeling ill for one of our dates and I told him but we didn't want to cancel. He bought blankets and pillows and chocolate for me so we could chill and talk in his car if I felt too unwell on the date. He's really confident and that may be one of the best things about him, he doesn't care what people think, he'll just be silly and funny wherever he is. He makes me feel comfortable and secure. 

He would 100% call me out on something if I said something wrong or out of line. He says what he wants to do too, if I want to watch something or go somewhere and he doesn't, he will say. That kind of thing.

I guess I haven't been dating him for long enough to know if he is amazing for me or just amazing on paper. I'm not quite sure how to tell if he's just amazing on paper or if we actually work together 🙄

Ahh.  So someone can be Mr. Right on Paper -ticks off all the boxes - but he doesn't do it for you - you don't click in that way.  You "decided" you wanted stability -a great goal - but your heart has to want that too -your mind and heart have to be ready to click with someone who is available to you, reliable, thoughtful.  You don't worry about whether he'll call, or call you again.  It's not like buying a car "I think I'll buy the safer model instead of the snazzy sports car" - you can tell yourself you want stability - and partly you do -but you have to still feel reasonably sure and reasonably excited when you find that in a romantic relationship.  It sounds like you feel comfortable with him and that you pick him apart in your head when you're apart - you focus on his "flaws" - what are they? Do you miss him when you're apart?

[Charlie19]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Ahh.  So someone can be Mr. Right on Paper -ticks off all the boxes - but he doesn't do it for you - you don't click in that way.  You "decided" you wanted stability -a great goal - but your heart has to want that too -your mind and heart have to be ready to click with someone who is available to you, reliable, thoughtful.  You don't worry about whether he'll call, or call you again.  It's not like buying a car "I think I'll buy the safer model instead of the snazzy sports car" - you can tell yourself you want stability - and partly you do -but you have to still feel reasonably sure and reasonably excited when you find that in a romantic relationship.  It sounds like you feel comfortable with him and that you pick him apart in your head when you're apart - you focus on his "flaws" - what are they? Do you miss him when you're apart?

I really do crave stability in my every day life and subconsciously I think I crave it in a relationship too. 

It's funny because I've recognized that the "flaws" I don't like in him are exactly the same as the flaws I hate in myself. It's like I focus on those parts of him because I hate those parts of myself.

One is that he is quick to anger. He has never been angry with me and I don't think he would be easily but he has told me that he can have a short fuse. I think I've noticed it a few times but that may just be because he said it and I'm now looking for signs of it. I have a short fuse sometimes too so I really can't judge him on that one but I still do.

Another is his teeth which is crazy! I hate my own teeth so much and his aren't even bad but it's like my brain is desperately searching for a reason to leave. 

I miss him terribly when we're not together and I'm always sad when we leave each other after a date or a night together 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Charlie19 said:

 I'm just so confused, this is the exact reason why I stay away from dating 

😞

It seems like you're afraid of getting hurt and somehow built these walls around yourself. 

Is that a possibility?

[Jibralta]

15 hours ago, Charlie19 said:

I think that I really like this guy, but I like him so much that it's scaring me and I'm thinking of ways to get out. I've not had a relationship for three years and in the three years I've dated a lot.

15 hours ago, Charlie19 said:

I find myself hyper focusing on his flaws despite how he makes me feel.

Oh lord, I was very similar at 21 (minus the added complication of social media and smartphones (thankfully)). I was unapologetically skittish where romantic relationships were concerned. In retrospect, I feel thankful for that.

Personally, I don't think it's anything to worry about. Relationships ultimately lead to major life commitments down the road. Better to take your time with these decisions. And be selfish about it.

And don't let yourself get used for sex! Jeez.

You are just starting out and will sort yourself out as time goes on. May you have many happy adventures!

 

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, Charlie19 said:

I really do crave stability in my every day life and subconsciously I think I crave it in a relationship too. 

It's funny because I've recognized that the "flaws" I don't like in him are exactly the same as the flaws I hate in myself. It's like I focus on those parts of him because I hate those parts of myself.

One is that he is quick to anger. He has never been angry with me and I don't think he would be easily but he has told me that he can have a short fuse. I think I've noticed it a few times but that may just be because he said it and I'm now looking for signs of it. I have a short fuse sometimes too so I really can't judge him on that one but I still do.

Another is his teeth which is crazy! I hate my own teeth so much and his aren't even bad but it's like my brain is desperately searching for a reason to leave. 

I miss him terribly when we're not together and I'm always sad when we leave each other after a date or a night together 

Deciding someone is incompatible is not "judging".  You are required to "judge" when it comes to a romantic relationship even if you have the same flaw.  That is not the same as when let's say you're married and the spouse does something annoying (imagine that, a spouse doing something annoying during a pandemic!) - then it's fine to self-talk with "well yes he didn't put the milk away but I'm sure I do things that annoy him so I'll put it away and not bother him about it.").  You can't just want stability in a romantic relationship "subconsciously" whatever that means -i'm a layperson not an analyst - if you want that you have to want that totally on the surface -totally transparent as part of specifics you want in your life. 

 

I consciously wanted someone with certain qualities, goals, values.  I was able to tell a person who asked what I actually wanted, in real life - I didn't have to search my subconscious to know what I wanted in a mate.  You need to know that for  yourself.  So you can be the right person to find the right person. Because when you're feeling anxious and doubtful telling yourself "well I know subconsciously I want stability" isn't gonna work - because unless you're committed -on the surface -down to the nitty gritty - to being in a long term romantic relationship where you're up for the challenge -at times -of keeping things interesting, alive, fresh - you're not going to be able to access your "subconscious" need for stability when some cute hot/cold hottie turns your head at work or at a party, etc.  

Also I'd stop the overthinking unless you want to see a therapist -then let the professional guide you in how to evaluate your concerns.  Playing the "well it must be that what I am afraid of in him is exactly what I don't like about myself" might be interesting but it won't get you to the "should I stay or go" resolution.  

What does your new boyfriend say he wants to do about his short fuse?  What does he do about it? What do you do about it?  How does that look for the long term if you are with someone with a short fuse -especially if you want maybe to share living space, perhaps have  a pet or a child or both?

[Charlie19]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you're afraid of getting hurt and somehow built these walls around yourself. 

Is that a possibility?

That could possibly be part of the problem. I'm also afraid he will get to know me and hate me. I also worry a lot about breaking his heart if we do end up staying together and I realise it's all wrong for me!

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Charlie19 said:

That could possibly be part of the problem. I'm also afraid he will get to know me and hate me. I also worry a lot about breaking his heart if we do end up staying together and I realise it's all wrong for me!

 

9 minutes ago, Charlie19 said:

That could possibly be part of the problem. I'm also afraid he will get to know me and hate me. I also worry a lot about breaking his heart if we do end up staying together and I realise it's all wrong for me!

So part of dating involves risk taking -you balance the risks.  In the past you really didn't take the risks that count because deep down you knew the guy was not that into you so if you got bored of him no one would get hurt and you knew he'd probably never be "yours".  He's an adult.  As long as you are not lying to him you're good  -even if you have doubts -if you have sincere intentions of wanting to get to know him better to see if you are a match long term that's fine.  

[greendots]

If you think you really like this guy and he's treating you well, what have you got to lose? Take your time to enjoy these moments together and get to know him better.

I ran away from plenty of good opportunities before. I wish I hadn't done that. Best to enjoy them and appreciate them when they are there.

[Louisiana33]

This is very interesting. Because you’re saying there’s so much passion there and you actually are very emotional about this person, I would say it’s worth sticking it out. I remember feeling, in my last relationship, the person’s smile literally looked like my cousin and it just annoyed me so much! I was afraid it would be a dealbreaker. Over time, our love grew so much deeper and I don’t think I’ve thought about that in years. It certainly wouldn’t bother me because as time went on, I found out what was really important and how glued I felt to this person, in my heart. I’m definitely someone who pushes people away, so I totally understand those tendencies, early on.  It was such a right fit in so many ways but we are in different countries and there’s all sorts of other reasons it can’t work; however, the smile issue did dissipate LOL. I definitely think the tissue teeth issue is something to bring up to friends or on a forum, but in a couple months to a year you will not worry about it, if you grow closer.

 

everything else is there so my vote is to stay in!

 

All the best and stay safe and well!

[Andrina]

We subconsciously choose who we think is worthy of us. If you have poor self worth, being with a sub-standard person feels right. If you don't think you're worthy of someone who treats you right, being with them feels off.

There are upsides and downsides to every situation, so instead of worrying, accept that that's reality. You have compassion, so of course it'll be upsetting if you choose to stop dating him which will upset him. If you didn't feel that, you'd be a cold robot. It's also normal to be into someone, enjoying their company, and hoping it will continue while worrying he'll lose interest. You don't know how it will pan out, so you'd be naive to know with certainty the outcome of a new relationship.

Give yourself a break for having complex feelings that run the gamut during the beginning. Take a wait and see, day by day attitude instead of projecting to the future. It's best to think how you will enjoy his company for those few hours, and you will learn what you need to know about him in good time.

In this case, of course you can ask him more about the short fuse and keep an eye on that. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list to gain more clarity on what you're looking for and who you should reject. Good luck and keep us updated.

[Charlie19]

Thank you for your responses everyone🙏🏻

I saw him again today and everything just feels so right when I'm with him. This time when I felt myself thinking about whether we would work out I bought myself back to the present.

I found myself staying in the moment a lot more and just enjoying the date🙏🏻

[smackie9]

Over thinking is a total buzzkill. If it doesn't work out oh well, no one ever has control over that. That's the dating process.